MsCezanne's Odyssey

It’s funny, by reading this diary you’d think I hate myself, my life, my boyfriend etc. That’s not true, I don’t.

I guess I just use this as a tool to get all my ‘dark feelings’ exorcised, so I can come up with healthy, constructive ways to deal with them. So they’re public, so what? Why not? Sort of gives me impetus to fix them. Also, anyone who reads them might just have something constructive to say. If I wrote all the good things, what would people say? ‘Yay’? ‘Good for you’? Fine and dandy, but that doesn’t help, does it?

Having said that, what piece of crud am I writing about this week?

Surprise, I’m writing about Ian, again.
I really MUST love him, how else could I end up with someone I find so physically repulsive. It may literally have to do with me not being a hypocrite, that if I weighed less, it would be easy for me to leave someone who looks like Ian.

Certainly, I hate to get caught up on looks. I didn’t fall in love with Ian because of his looks. And certainly, if I outweigh him by 100 pounds… I can’t really leave him because of his weight, can I?

So that assumes that if I were thinner than he was, that I would leave him.

Only one way to find out eh?

But it’s going to take a while for me to slim down. Even though he is grossly fat, I’m still 100 pounds more than he is! Even if I lose 2 pounds a week, and he gains 5 pounds a week, that would be about 3 months.

Hmmm, three months. That’s not all that long. We’ll be about 430 pounds then. That’s pretty fat still, but from then on, HE would be the fat one, and I wouldn’t be a hypocrite any more. Then I would be able to evaluate our relationship with a clear conscious.

I guess Ian has until September to get his ass in gear! Of course, that presupposes I can lose weight that fast, and Ian will continue to gain that fast. I doubt that’ll happen, so I’ll give him to October. And, I suppose a month leeway would be fair… to November. Who am I kidding? He’s got until New Year’s. But by then, if I’m NOT slimmer than he is, then there is some serious re-evaluation going on!

So what’s brought me to this? Well Ian has gotten so large he can’t use his precious scale. He’s over 350 pounds now. He’s trying to find a scale that we can both use, but they’re fucking expensive, and we’ve got other costs right now. It doesn’t help when our grocery bills seem to escalate!

I’m trying to lose weight, I really am. I hate being this big. 300 was fine for me, hell, I’d be happy at 350! But 450 is just wearing on me. My legs hurt, the clothes suck, and I’m getting a feeling like I just don’t belong. Yes, I used to enjoy the feeling of being apart from society, but this is getting ridiculous. At 300 pounds I was still eye-catchingly fat, but if I really wanted to, I could squeeze in just about anywhere I wanted. Even at 350 I wasn’t missing too much. But too many things are designed for smaller people.

Of course, trying to lose weight with Ian around is not an easy task. He’s always eating. To be fair, he picked that habit up from me! And his weight crept up as he was eating but not noticing because I was eating. Now the tables are turned. I’m sure I’m still gaining weight, but I can’t weigh in anywhere, so I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m just paranoid eh?

And Jeri continues her stunning weight loss! She’s down to 196 pounds. She’s looking good. Just kind of round now. Bulky. Not fat. She jogs, she play sports. She’s looking better than ever really. She’s not the tight little teenager she used to be, but she’s less than half my size. It wasn’t long ago I thought it would be cool to be twice her size, but that’s only 392 pounds. I’d KILL to be twice her size (one guess who I’d kill, lol, just kidding, I’d never kill). Heck, I remember when I still had MY tight little body and she was twice MY size! That’s when she was pregnant, she was absolutely HUGE, a WHALE! I’d never been friends with anyone that enormous before. She just ate and ate, it was quite a site. And she was 220 pounds. How’s that for a depressing thought? She was 220 pounds, and I thought she was impossibly large, and now I’m more than twice that size, more than 4 times my weight of just a few years ago.

So, it’s time to lose weight. I need to find a way to do it. I just want to be able to stick it to Ian on a level playing field.

Maybe I can find someway to fatten him up quicker eh? Find something… SOMETHING that helps me lose and him gain.

Stay tuned, I’ll come up with something, right?

Oh mother of god!

What have I done?

I just had one of the greatest weekends I’ve had in a while! So, why don’t I feel like it right now? Easy… Ian and I made complete PIGS of ourselves on the weekend.

So how did this come about?

Well, while waiting in line Thursday to see Star Wars (Ian’s friend got us tickets), Ian and I were talking. Well, he was complaining that his knees hurt! Well duh, he’s got 350 pound of lard, of course they hurt. Mine hurt, but I don’t complain, it’s my own choice to be 400+ lbs, so I just live with it. Of course, 2 hours of standing around wasn’t all that much fun!

But the movie was! Of course, going to movies is where I most acutely hate being fat. Public places just aren’t designed to hold me. I know that, I acknowledge that, and I generally try to avoid being in places that are just too small. But we had to see this movie, so we crammed our butts into the seats! We made sure we sat in the middle of the theatre, because once I’m there, you can’t get past me, lol.

The movie was great! Lots of action, lots of great sound effects. A plot that is more complicated than ‘Look bad guy, shoot’! Even with the atrocious dialogue, it was pretty good to sit through! Definitely worth the bruises I get on my hips from those god awful cupholders.

So, as I was saying, to kill time Ian and I debated fat. Our fat. Our decisions to be fat. I really would like to drop a couple (hundred) pounds, and would just as soon Ian would too. He’s not ready to do it, like I am, which makes it a little hard for me. He got fat because I was eating so much, and I’m staying fat because he’s eating so much! It’s not a matter of will power, but a matter of snacking. If good food is there, it’s too easy to munch without even noticing. It comes in under the will power radar, so to speak.

I’ve told Ian flat out that I just can’t afford to be 500 pounds. The weight would be too much of an encumbrance, getting clothes just too hard, and lord knows life just isn’t going to be easier as I get bigger! That for me, he has to start eating ‘normally’ so I can start eating normally. If he can’t do that, then I can’t stay with him, it’s just not practical.

So, he proposed that we talk about it this week, but have one last ‘eating binge’ over the weekend. I used to LOOOVE my eating binges with Jeri. We’d hole up, buy a tonne of groceries, get take out/delivery, and just eat until we couldn’t move. I did it a couple times with Ian, back before I noticed him getting fat. (I guess this may be my fault eh?)

So, I decided we might as well. Wow. It’s been a long time since I pigged out, and a long time since I actually SAW what Ian could eat if he put his mind to it. I haven’t been so full since I moved out of Jeri’s place.

We just ate and ate and ate! It was the first time in months that I’d been able to look at food and actually think ‘god, I can’t eat that!’ It’s kinda funny when a new thought like that pops into your head, and I think it popped into my head like four or five times over the weekend!

So lets think about this. I’m about 450 pounds now. Last time I ate with this much abandon must’ve been when I was living with Jeri, I was 340 pounds when I moved out! So this is the fullest I’ve been in over 100 pounds!

Ian ate an incredible amount of food. His face was constantly chewing it seemed. He could easily have gained 10 pounds over three days! (Yeah, okay… me too)

I haven’t been too interested in my weight lately. I know I’m fat, and what’s the difference, seriously, between 450 and 460? 10 pounds for me just isn’t what it was in High school. Really, I can’t see much about me changing until I get to about 500 pounds. Hell, think about it. When I was 110 lbs, 10 lbs was less than 10 % of my body weight, so that is literally like 50 lbs, which is about 10% of my body weight now!

And I’ve come to LOATHE Ian’s weekly weigh ins, where he brags about closing in on the limits of his scale. Hmmm, his scale goes to 350, and he was 344 last week. I think he might have to find a new scale. Oh I so didn’t want that to happen.

Well, despite all that, I really do want to know what he weighs now, what I weigh now! Am I really upto 460 pounds? Is Ian over 350? That’s a lot of weight! I was 110 in high school, so the two of us would account for almost EIGHT of what I was in highschool! That’s just an unreal number.

I’m going to miss some parts of being fat. There really is nothing like spending three days eating. There isn’t. You can’t describe the feeling, you can’t replace the experience. I’m glad Ian and I got to share it just this one time, but now it’s time to move on, to find a new adventure to share together.

Otherwise, I’ll have to find an adventure of my own.

I get my new car tonight!

It's a 2002 Ford Focus ZX3!
Cute little hatchback. It's midnight blue, very sexy!

I guess that means I miss opening night of Star Wars.
On the other hand, that's good, I'm not into standing in line like I was even 100 pounds ago, lol. Ian wants to see it on the digital screen, he says it's playing at the AMC, so that's good. I HATE normal movie theatres, the seats are too narrow, I get giant bruises on my hips when I jam myself into them.

Maybe I can see it at the drive-in in my new car!

What an idea that would be eh?

Okay, now I don’t know what to think.

Ian’s weight continues it’s ongoing march, he’s 341 pounds now! And he shows no signs of slowing down either.

I’ve tried to reason with him. I’ve tried to empathise with him. I’ve tried to cajole, I’ve withheld sex, I’ve hidden the good food, I’ve mocked him, I’ve embarrassed him. It’s not working, and he’s just getting too huge!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ve made a few ultimatums, he’s just ignored them, as though my feelings count for shit. Now he’s accusing me of NOT hating his fat, but that my inner feelings are confused, and I’m lashing out at the easiest target. In all likelihood, he says, I probably LIKE him fat, or else I’d have followed through on my threats.

I don’t know what to say! Certainly I think he looks ridiculous. I don’t find him sexually attractive.

So why don’t I leave him? Simple, I do love him! He’s smart, he’s creative, he can be funny. In many ways he’s a counterpoint to me. We don’t agree on a lot of things, but we know where we stand, and we feel more complete having each other’s influence in our lives. I don’t want to be with someone just like me.

I want the opposite. Is that the problem?

Do I see more and more of myself in Ian? Do I feel threatened that I’m not the fat one anymore? (Well, I still outweigh the guy by 100 pounds… but he’s still huge by just about any standard)

Maybe Ian really is losing what made him special to me, and the fat is just the easiest way to spot it.

Or maybe I’m a perfectionist, and I feel that I can still get the ‘perfect Ian’ back.

I don’t know, and this accusation, that I love his fat… I don’t like it, but I don’t know what else to do.

I just want him back to the way he was so badly. I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can ‘put up’ with him!

As for myself, I’m not as happy with my weight as I used to be. 450 pounds is NOT as much fun as it sounds. (lol, to most people, it probably doesn’t sound like fun at all!)

What I’d like to do is lose weight, maybe Challenge Ian… make sure that he always weighs less than me J Of course, if I can get my weight below his, then I can legitimately make fun of him!

I do admit, I rather enjoy coming up with creative fat jokes. I’m not sure Ian appreciates it, but you have to keep in mind, anything I say, reflects back on me, plus 100 pounds. If he can’t stand it, he can leave me.

If he can fit through the door.
lol

The world is a wild and crazy place.

Certainly, one thing I’d like to get out of a diary is to track how my thoughts, my views, my opinions of the world change over time. I used to ‘believe in Santa Claus’. It would be interesting to look back at how I saw the world then as to how I see the world now.

So how do I stand? Well… I guess I consider myself ‘liberal’, though would never want myself associated with Jean Chretien and his goons. But like most people, my views vary between liberalism and conservatism on any number of issues.

Abortion: I’m for it. Can’t imagine I’d ever want to do it myself, but it sure beats the hell out of having children no one wants living in the world. I’m sure many of them would grow up to be productive people, but without guarantees… seems kinda cruel.

Capital Punishment: I was against it for the longest time. It’s not an effective deterrent, and the costs involved are never less than ‘life imprisonment’. However, I recently read that MORE death row inmates who are innocent have their sentences overturned than ‘lifers’ who are innocent. From that point of view, with all the extra money and attention yielded to people facing the death penalty… it seems that justice is in fact better served! I don’t believe in an eye for an eye or any of that shit, but if more innocent people are freed, how can that be bad?

Cloning: It’s funny, even five years ago, this wasn’t an issue to be seriously discussed! And now every one and their mother are vocally against it. I’m not sure what the big deal is. Most people say ‘it’s wrong’ and kind of leave it at that. Why is it wrong? Because it’s play God? It’s not like 8 million other things we do every day isn’t. Besides, what’s wrong with playing God? It’s not like He simply came into existence, omnipotence and all is it? He had to practice a little. Besides, if we are created in His image… why is it wrong to do what he does?

War on Terrorism: hopefully I can look back on THIS and it won’t be an issue. Terrorism is a cowards way of fighting a losing cause. Gandhi freed one of the largest nations on earth, didn’t level a single skyscraper, pizza parlour or city bus. The American’s gained independence by fighting the English army. Israel was created by international accord to the plight of Jews. There are a lot of ways to get what you want without killing people. The world will be a better place when terrorism is dealt with by unequivocal violence. Fire with Fire. If you’re not going to reason with me, I’m not going to reason with you.

Obesity: Five years ago, I found the idea of being overweight quite… unappealing. If I’d known that I’d ‘blow up’ to 400 pounds, I probably would have killed myself! But like many other lifestyle choices, it has its myths, its advantages and its disadvantages. The key is, I think fat women are attractive, and fat men aren’t. Just the way the fat sits I suppose. For example, I’m generously curvy at about 450 lbs, and Ian is awkwardly bulbous at 337 pounds. I would date someone like me, but if I didn’t already know Ian, I wouldn’t give him the time of day.

Ian: I love Ian, very much. He makes my life interesting, which is the most you can ask from anyone, right? He’s got a wry sense of humour. Sometimes he pushes that too far, but that happens. He’s very bright. He may not know everything, but he’s very good at seeming like he does. I’m always learning from him, my world views are shaped by his world views. We argue a lot, but it’s usually a beneficial, structured debate, we don’t just shout. Of course, the main sticking point these days is his weight gain. I know, I’m still 100 or so pounds bigger than he is, yet I can’t stand his weight! It’s hypocritical, but at least it’s honest. He loves my weight, he was attracted to me when I was fat (not this fat, but it was his encouragement that brought me to this level of obesity). But when I was first attracted to him he was fit, muscular. I’ve done what he wanted, why can’t he do what I want?

So we saw Spider Man Saturday night. And thank God! That stupid hockey game went FOREVER, I'd have had to kill Ian if we'd watched it all.

Also thank god for those 'Loveseats' at AMC. I just can't wedge myself into the seats at the Famous Players any more. And if I could, who wants to be wedged anywhere for 2+ hours? (Well, I can think of one place I'd like to be 'wedged' for 2+ hours... but that's neither here nor there, is it?)

Anyways, enough about my fat ass.

On to Ian's fat ass. No, just kidding, getting tired about unloading on Ian all the time.

The movie was pretty good! Not the be all and end all of Cinematic Experiences (hmmm... does that mean I have to tell you the best Cinematic Experience of all time? Probably Raiders of the Lost Ark.) But a good movie. Certainly better than those crappy Batman movies. It's been a long time since I saw Superman... I wasn't too impressed by that, so I'll have to say it was better than the Superman movies. Although I really liked that old cartoon from what.. the 60s? That show was a lot of fun, and that fun wasn't in this new movie very much. Every one seemed to be having fun EXCEPT Spider Man. Well, that's not entirely true, but he seemed like he was acting like he was having fun, rather than just having fun.

The cast was pretty good. Willen Dafoe was very good, no surprised there. Kirsten Dunst had nothing to work with, so the fact that she was noticeable means she did a good job. Tobey Maguire seemed like he was acting like Spider Man/Peter Parker, rather than BEING Spider Man/Peter Parker. (I mean, that's what he was doing, of course, but never did I really BELIEVE him) Sort of reminded me of Ewen McGregor acting like Alec Guiness being Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I digress.

The supporting cast was pretty good too. That kid that played Harry Osborn did look like he could be Willen Dafoe's son. And they seemed to have the right spirit for JJ Jamison. Without him, the movie is not 'Spider Man'. And of Course, Bruce Campbell. An exboyfriend taught me all about Sam and Ted Raimi, and Bruce Campbell. Their work in the Evil Dead movies, in Hercules/Xena... it's just... cool! And Brucie boy did not let me down in this one! He played the ring announcer to a T, even coming up with the name 'Spider Man'... the Amazing Spider Man no less!

The story itself worked pretty well, the underlying theme of Power vs Responsibilty. The way Parker/Spiderman have to be different people. I certainly wanted a more in depth story, but you've only got 2 hours, and this almost worked like a teaser for the NEXT Spider Man movie, rather than a movie made in and for itself.

So what didn't work? Aside from Maguire feeling out of place, the effects were... not up to current snuff. 10 years ago, they would have been fine, but in this post Jurassic Park/Terminator 2/Star Wars/Shrek world, we KNOW what computers can do for a movie. And they can do more than that! Certainly in the next movie the effects budget will be that much grander.

Leave the same team together (find a way to bring back Campbell!), hope Maguire can grow into the role, and the effects can be pumped up, and the sequel can be every bit the winner this one is.

Well, I've got a thought I want to put down today!
(Well, I do most days, but remembered this today! Gotta get into the habit, this thing won't write itself, will it?)

Ian had another of his ‘official weigh ins’ this morning. My god is that that guy getting fat! Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s the cauldron calling the kettle black, but still, he likes me fat, I hate him fat, so that’s fair, right?

Anyway, he’s like three hundred and thirty something pounds. He was a trim 200 when I started dating him! I know, it’s important to love the person inside, but still, that’s a lot of fucking fat!

And it’s weird, I outweigh him, but in clothes, he looks bigger than me! It’s because of the way the clothes he wears drape, which sort of create a ‘filling in’ effect, where as my clothes are tight, and don’t leave a lot to the imagination (I can’t hide that I’m fat, so why try?).

It’s because his stomach is simply HUGE! His waistline has got to be larger than mine ( maybe we’ll try to find out sometime). Of course, the rest of me is way fatter, but it’s all about the illusion, right? It makes him look somewhat comical really, when he’s naked.

His gut protrudes and hangs down. It’s soft, covered in stretch marks. (Of course, this could describe me too… am I a big fat hypocrite or what?). He has to sort of waddle, like a pregnant woman, because of the center of gravity.

What’s funny is that his legs are MUCH smaller than mine. You can see the muscles through the fat (can’t on mine), and his legs are quite large, but just not in proportion to his belly. And his arms seem spindly, and they rest on his the sides of his stomach, rather than hanging at his side. Even my arms don’t do that!

He’s started complaining about back trouble. And the constant treadmill to keep clothes clean (stop spilling you slob!). He’s just not meant to be fat. I really and truly DO think that I was meant to be fat. I like how I look. Ian likes how I look. If I could get back to Ian’s weight, I’d be very happy indeed!

But I don’t like Ian being fat.