MsCezanne's Odyssey

My transformation back to fat is now well underway. Just this morning Shelley noticed that I had a bit of a waddle! Once she pointed it out, it was as clear as day to me. I never waddled at this weight before, but, I guess that’s how the fat’s gonna fall this time. I didn’t realise that I missed waddling, but now that I’m doing it, it’s like being home again.

The other changes are subtle too, but poking up from time to time. My clothes have all gotten tight, I’m moving up a size. It’s been a long time since clothes got TIGHT, another feeling that is surprisingly comforting, if not comfortable. My tummy’s getting in the way again. Just that extra little bit always takes you by surprise, but it’s been so long since there was that ‘extra little bit’, it really is surprising. I’m noticing that my chair at work fits ‘differently’.

It’s not all fun and games though. My endurance is out the window. Despite living with two fitness fanatics I’m barely lifting a finger if I’m not holding a fork! It’s been pretty much cold turkey from exercise, but I don’t miss it one bit. Sure, the weather really impacts my desire to go outside for a jog, but, whenever that was a problem in London, I wanted to get out and do SOMETHING, but here… just another excuse to snack.

Shelley and Jamie are pretty good about it. They tried to get me in the gym when I first came here, but never really pressured me. With the new weight getting to be pretty obvious, they’re barely batting an eye. Sure, Shelley noticed the waddle, but to her that’s a pretty drastic change. She ain’t seen nothing yet!

I knew Ottawa got a lot of snow, but until you actually experience it, it’s hard to understand how much ‘a lot of snow’ really is. This sucks. It seems like we’re always shovelling. Luckily, Shelley and Jamie are built for it. Maybe Ottawa’s not the right place for me and Ian!

Ian’s coming up this weekend for his birthday. I’m really looking forward to that. It’s been far too long since I saw him last. He says he’s been gaining weight, and is now fatter than ever. I’ve GOT to see, and feel, that!

Work’s going okay. I’ve gotten into the swing of things, and it is starting to feel comfortable now. I know everyone, I know what’s expected of me, so now I’m just learning what I can expect from other people. I know why they wanted me though: too many of these people find office work distasteful, so they find it tough getting to know the tricks that make it go easier.

Perception may well be the meaning of life.

I definitely intend meaning of life in lower case, not to be confused with The Meaning of Life. Perception is pretty much ‘I think, therefore I am’ anyway, so this is hardly an original thought.

So what am I perceiving that requires such a trite preamble? My body. In the absence of Ian’s fat, I’m becoming much more aware of my own. Also, in the absence of any fat on Jamie or Shelley, it contrasts that much more with my own. In short, I’m starting to feel quite large again.

Living with Ian, it was easy to forget how fat I was. He was twice my size! Compared to him, I was svelte and nimble. Compared to Jamie especially, I feel like a lumbering barge.

At the store in London, I was aware of my size, however, since I’d lost weight working there, there were constant reminders that I was smaller. I could fit down aisles or into the store room much easier. It made me feel thin to work there. Now I’m at an unfamiliar office, I’m bigger than everyone else, and I find myself squeezing into store rooms or around people to get to desks.

So what’s my perception of all this?

I feel pretty much like I did when I first moved to London and I was 460 pounds. It’s odd, there’s the part of me that relishes being different. But I’m like anyone else, I want to be accepted by my peers too, to fit in. Moving to London, I was fat, and on my own. Moving to Ottawa, I’m fat, and I’m on my own.

It’s easier to be different when you’ve got someone who really appreciates it!

At the same time: I miss being truly huge. I feel big, but I know what it feels like to be bigger. I’ve been gaining weight here in Ottawa, there’s no doubt about that. I’m hoping to gain more, I’d like to be 300 pounds when Ian makes his way up here.

I’ll think about it over the weekend, maybe there’s more to worry about.

Or less.

It’s been a while since I updated here.

There’s plenty of reasons, some ring hollow, but, ultimately, it’s not as though my life (nor anyone’s life) depends on daily entries to my diary, so if I don’t feel compelled to write here, then I don’t. No big deal.

First up, Christmas.

It was good to see Ian again, and yet, there was a certain agony to it too! We were staying at his dad’s place in Toronto, so we didn’t have REAL privacy NEARLY as much as we’d hoped for. We did enjoy the time to ourselves, of course, but it was over in a flash (multiple flashes, actually. Grin.)

Even though it was less than a month apart, the mind plays tricks, and a big diet certainly adds to those tricks. Even though Ian isn’t at his highest weight, he looked much bigger than I remember. Much much bigger, I was kind of surprised. At work, I’m the biggest person. There’s a couple guys who might be around my weight, but most of the women are slimmer. At home, of course, Shelley and Jamie are without excess weight: when you get used to being the biggest person in the room, it’s really shocking to come across someone twice your weight. To call this a pleasant surprise would be an understatement.

Multiple understatements. Grin.

I made up dinner for Ian’s family this year. It’s been a while since I did some serious work in the kitchen. I just haven’t gotten comfortable in Shelley’s kitchen yet, and our schedules make it tough, or I haven’t made the effort. I’m not really sure what. It felt good to get the juices flowing again.

My mom and aunt covered dinner at our family this year. I wanted to help, but, at the same time, I wanted to just sit back with Ian and eat cookies.

For Christmas Ian got me diamond earrings and a matching pendant.

I bought him some prints to hang in the apartment. A Cezanne, a Reubans (of course), and a couple of Picassos. I need to explain Picasso to Ian one day. Even though he likes Reubans best, I think Picasso is the one he would most appreciate. Maybe my mural has a lot to do with that.

New Year’s

Being low-woman on the totem pole, I had to come back to Ottawa to work the three days after Christmas. Then I drove back to Toronto for New Year’s. We just went to Jerica’s. It was great to see Amanda again, and fun to just hang out with old friends for the New Year. Having a kids certainly wears them all out though. Can’t wait for one of my own.

Birthday
I was home at my parents for my birthday. It’s so weird, having Christmas, New Year’s and my Birthday all fall right on top of each other, especially this year because I had that BREAK in between. Normally it’s one big party, but this year it was a bunch of little ones. It’s actually kind of interesting that way!

Ian got me a new stereo for my car, one that plays MP3s on CD. I still have to actually go into Future Shop to get it installed.

Concern

Okay, one reason why I updated today was that I saw there is a spike in traffic from Dimensions.

So, if this is the first time you’ve read my diary, welcome aboard. If you’ve read this far, well, either you like me, or you’re really really trying to avoid something.

It seems that people are concerned with the health risks associated with Ian’s weight gain. That’s fair. It also seems people are considered with my cavalier attitude. Again, that’s fair.

I’ve got some deeply held beliefs that are difficult to spell out. They’re more fundamental faiths, and, quite frankly ‘faith’ is something you can’t explain, no matter how much you want to.

So what does this have to do with Ian becoming dangerously fat?

He wants to. He enjoys it. He knows the risks, and is willing to take them. He would be gaining with or without me, since I love him, I’d rather he gained with me. It’s not my place to stop him. I tried, I really did try to stop him! But, it’s what he loves in life, I can’t deny that from him.

It reminds me of the parable about the rock climber:

A man is well known for conquering many treacherous mountain climbs. He’s famous for saying he climbs them ‘because they’re there’.

One day, a reporter asks him if he’s aware that he’s likely to die climbing mountains.

So the climber turns the question around: “How would you like to die?”

The reporter says that he’d like to die quietly in his sleep.

“And yet you go to sleep every night”.

If Ian wants to die fat, then Ian is going to die fat. If this seems flip, fine. I’m not here to write a thesis about Ian’s enjoyment of life. This is something I’ve lived with for so long it’s fact. I breath air, wear clothes to work, and Ian gains weight.

Ottawa in General

I’m settling into work pretty good. It’s a lot of HR stuff, which is fine. It took a little while to get back into the swing of a ‘desk job’, but it’s going pretty good now.

It’s funny, everyone’s complaining about the weight they gained over the holidays. I guess that’s pretty much a standard thing to complain about. No one’s noticed that I haven’t complained about my weight. None of them know about Ian either. I don’t know when I’ll tell ‘em. Probably once he’s up here, and there’s some excuse to bring him in, or something.

I’d like to write more, I’ll see what I can do. I’m not really supposed to be online at work, and just never feel motivated to write at home.

I hardly even tough Char vs. the World either!