MsCezanne's Odyssey

I still wish I'd kept a weight gain diary when I first started gaining weight, as excited as I am about gaining 2 pounds, it's not all that much to write about. 440 is a pretty good milestone number, anything ending with 0 is, but 2 pounds is a small gain for me these days.

In the greater scheme of things, I really am enjoying my gain. My belly is bigger than ever! It's bigger now than when I was 460 pounds, it's bigger than when I was pregnant. Of course, when I was pregnant I was merely 370 pounds. It does make me sort of feel like I'm pregnant. It's not the same thing, the hormones aren't nearly as whacky, and there's a lot less general discomfort, but I really waddle around like I'm a preggo, with my belly leading the way.

In the past I've been jealous of Amy's body, being much wider than mine, while she was jealous of my belly. While I'm still eager to try her body, I'm really enjoying my belly the bigger it gets. When I was pregnant, I enjoyed seeing it stretch out, and now, well, I'm dying to see how big it's going to get. I'll never have anything like Ian's former belly, but it's doing pretty good so far.

Speaking of Ian's belly, it's getting a lot jigglier these days. Since he's been losing weight, the fat isn't packed in as tight, so even though he's not as fat, he seems fatter. And since he's got more energy, there's a bounce to his step. I flabby belly, a bounce step = super jiggles! I never thought I'd see him get jigglier as he lost weight, so this is an added bonus. His belly is still bigger than mine, but they're becoming much more comparable in size.

Me: 440
Ian: 533
Difference: 93 pounds

Changes is a topic I enjoy. People are famous for not liking change, and that's sort of true. People do like certain changes, although perhaps that's because they're rhythmic changes. People love the change of seasons, they love the first snow fall, the first day you can wear shorts, the first leaves appearing on the trees and the leaves changing colours in the fall. Of all the change of seasons, fall is by far the best. All the other seasons are monochromatic, but fall, that's where it all comes alive. Blue skies, green grass, and leaves of every other colour. You can go to the park and pick out the different colours, you can drive the countryside, watching as stands of trees form rainbows over time.

Fall is just a natural change that people expect and crave. Our bodies respond to the fall too. It's the harvest season, it's time to eat! It's no coincidence that all the good holidays come with when food is naturally plentiful, when the body wants to bulk up for the winter. This is the time of year when food is king, and everyone can indulge a little. Food is at work (for those of you who work... ha ha), food is at home, food is everywhere. It's the time of year when our skinny brethren look upon us with a secret admiring, with a secret smile, knowing that it's okay if they eat like us, just for a little bit.

As for my own fall changes, there are some pretty big ones. This fall I'll be going back to work. Paul will be starting day care. Paul will learn to do so many things, really, I look forward to his changes daily. I'm just hoping that he's okay with a change of scenery! He seems to be pretty good at it, but I do wonder if I just want him to deal with it okay. Ian will continue to change, he'll be losing weight and getting fitter. Finally, I'll be gaining weight, and getting fatter.

It's really tough to say which changes I'm looking forward to the most. I'm not eager to get back to work, but I am eager to be in the company of more adults. I'm not too excited to let Paul be someone else's responsibility on a daily basis, but I'm excited that he'll have a host of new experiences. I will miss Ian's fat, but I'm enjoying his newfound vigour. Finally, I'm scared that I'm going to gain enough weight that I'm not happy with my body again, but I'm looking forward to experiencing a body that I've never had before.

I don't know if the changes will bring happiness or sorrow. I'm sure there will be a mixture of both, and genuinely believe that they will create more happiness than sorrow. If I didn't believe that, I'd stop them right now! Everything is going to be different, and that's how I like it.

Me: 438
Ian: 535
Difference: 97

I've closed the difference between me and Ian to a mere 97 pounds (when you're 438 pounds, 97 is 'mere'). Making this much progress is really quite exciting. I'm far more comfortable with my size now than the last time I was this big. A lot of that has to do with Ian being the fat one, I don't feel quite as awkward as before. Also, while it's a new experience in many ways, it's also something I've done before, so I know what to expect, and that makes it much easier to accept.

Ian's bought some weights and has begun doing some simple weight training in the apartment. We don't have any big bulky equipment, there's no where to put it, but he's got some dumbbells to start with, and a barbell that he hasn't touched yet. Sherry figures that his body is getting used to using its muscles, and it's time to start pushing them. It'll help him burn calories quicker which should help him both lose weight, and increase his mobility, flexibility and balance.

I talked with Amy a bit. She says she's crazy busy and doesn't have much of an appetite. Thomas pointed out that she's still eating tonnes, so her idea of 'no appetite' might be a tad skewed these days. I asked her about the blog, again, and she hasn't consulted a lawyer about the legality of her contract, but the last thing she wants is for her contract to be declared void. No blog for now. When you consider a scientist can be fired for not referring to the government as The New Government, I'm thinking that she's not in a hurry to test any theories. If you have any other ideas, I'll pass them along.

I don't think that's what Sherry's seeing. I could be wrong. I think she's just fascinated by the general weirdness of it. While she's looked past it to be a good friend with me, she still sees the whole weight gaining thing sort of like a train-wreck, it's awful, and yet it's interesting to see.

She does generally approve of my diet from a pure nutritional balance point of view. She is curious to know if the dietary needs of the obese have been studied at all, and if we need a different dietary balance than fit folk do. She has given an ear to my 'crazy' theories about the dangers of obesity being far more social than 100% physiological. (For example, many of the leading 'complications' of obesity are identical to the leading 'complications' of stress. Having every stranger give an opinion on what you should eat and why you should lose weight is VERY stressful.) So, she wonders if people of size (she's so polite) would be healthier if they ate portions of food more appropriate to their body type, rather than the mystical 'ideal' menu that various diet plans always focus on.

It was a beautiful weekend, we finally got to go out to the park for a stroll, we even got to take Ian and Ken along too. The leaves are already starting to turn, I guess that's going to make for a long winter! I hope things don't go too fast, I want a chance for Paul to enjoy his first fall.

Besides that, not much to say about the weekend. Ian ran most of the errands and did most of the chores. He's so good to me when he's letting me get fat. I'm trying not to get too lazy, but I'm not trying all that hard.

Today has been another story, it's been rainy all afternoon, and I never made it out this morning. Good day to snack though. Ian's got his knack for buying just the right things for me to snack on. Although, I think he buys so much he can't help but keep the perfect snack on hand. Today I've been munching on brownies, peanuts and Oreos. I took some time at lunch to make ham and cheese panzerottis, they turned out pretty well too.

Amy's safe and sound in her new home, and starting her new job today.

She wanted to clarify the whole blog thing: she's not forbidden from updating at work, she's forbidden from keeping one at all. She's a corporate officer, so anything she says reflects on the company, even though it is 'personal'. She can't write letters to the editor, she can't endorse political candidates, she can't sit on the board of any other company (not even a charity) without permission. There's other stuff too, like she can't go skydiving, and she can't visit a region that is at war.

She's pretty excited about the job itself. It's a sort of agency for artists, helping artists cut through red tape to get showings, to get government grants etc. It's a small company, but she and Thomas are both on the executive board. They'll be busy for the next while just getting everything sorted out.

They're staying at the same place as when she visited earlier. It was okay for a visit when you're passionately visiting your long absent love. It's quite another thing to squeeze a 490+ pound woman into a bachelor apartment for day to day living. They're going to look for another place to live as soon as they can, but Calgary's pretty pricey, and they don't really know where the good places are yet.

The drive out wasn't any more pleasant than the flight was. While she enjoyed setting her own schedule and hitting the road in her Honda, it's been a long time since she put in that much driving, and it was far more enjoyable a few years ago. I guess that means it'll be a while before I get to see her, unless I manage to make my way out there.

I have to say, if their company does take root, I would be quite tempted to head out there. I've actually done some of the work they're planning to do, and would love that chance. I'm sure Ian could find a good job out that way too. I'm just hesitant to move so far away from my family. Mom already complains she doesn't get to see Paul enough, so this would probably kill her!

Amy is still online, you can always email her: thedvdbabe@gmail.com

She is busy, so be patient.

Gaining weight is a very unusual process. Everyone gains weight, and it's how different people deal with it differently is what makes it unusual, or perhaps unique. Certainly those of us who embrace their weight gain are unusual.

Through my years I've talked about weight gain with a surprisingly broad spectrum of people, and every one that I speak with has a unique perspective that I've enjoyed learning about. There are so many facets of weight gain, the food, the physical changes, the social aspects, numerous logistical aspects, psychological impacts, and everybody sees their own mixture of what's important, what's fun, and what gets in the way.

My own fascination has changed focus over the years. Food is still central to the whole experience. I love to cook, I love to prepare meals that are as tempting as possible, whether to myself, Ian, Amy or other friends and family. I would keep cooking and eating like this if I never gained an ounce. There are times over my weight associated history that the gain itself was the goal, with the food being a happy benefit. I looked forward to waking up with a 'new' body as often as I could, and then spending the day marvelling how even the most minute change can affect everything, if you think about it hard enough. (To be honest, this applied to both gaining and losing weight.) Lately I've been enjoying the sensations of pushing my capacity: getting as full as I can! While this has been fun before, it's different now, and it does seem to be my priority. I'm still loving the food, I'm still enjoying all the changes that each pound brings, but sitting there stuffed to the gills is heavenly.

I've been explaining all of this to Sherry, for someone who's not interested in weight gain, she does seem to be very interested in weight gain! She certainly finds a lot of things pretty repulsive. I don't blame her, while I've gotten to understand and appreciate everyone's views, I do remember when some seemed pretty repulsive to me too. She'll learn, everyone's different, everyone has their own view. I've told her that there are people who would be repulsed by her bony body.

I'm 437 pounds. Ian is 538 pounds. He's a mere 101 pounds bigger than me, and shrinking.

The weather continues to be a little 'blah' around here. It's still summer, but it doesn't feel like it! I was hoping to get in some more time at the park, so I hope it clears up later this week like they're promising. We'd love to take the kids for a picnic. I think they'd love it. Not to mention, depending on what happens to my weight this winter, it might be my last chance for an easy picnic!

With Amy going on and on about her new job, it's given me a bit of an itch to get back to work. I've loved my time off, and wish it could go on forever, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to become a productive member of society again. We could probably get by with me staying home, but now that we don't have a personal accountant, it might get tougher...

It's not even really the work that I miss, just the separate life, the non-mommy life, the non-wife life. I go to work, I've got things to do, people to interact with, responsibilities that vary from day to day. It's not much, but it's a change, and it will be a welcome one. Just remind me to read this post on my first day of work and see what I think then.

She's all packed up, and heading out west. She picked a pretty miserable day for it, it's cold and rainy out. I know she loves a nice sunny day for driving, but who doesn't?

She did pop over yesterday for her final weigh in and good bye. Actually, we had a party for her Sunday night, but it turned out a little more sombre than we'd intended, and she didn't want to go out on that. Plus, she'd forgotten to weigh in. Can't head out west without knowing that! For the record, her last London weigh in was 494 pounds.

I know a lot of people had hoped she'd reach 500 pounds, but I guess it didn't happen. I'm sure she'll hit it eventually, just not here.

Not much else to say really. Amy gave me all her skinny clothes for me to grow into. A few of them are my old fat clothes, so I guess what's old is new again.

We were going to go to the park today with Sherry, but the weather appears to have conspired against that. Pretty crappy day to have a crappy day I guess.

There's always a trip to Angelo's instead...

Last night Amy made her last blog post. While she's not leaving quite yet, she is leaving, and it is a big deal to me. I've been friends with Amy for 17 years, and while her presence in my life has come and gone, I'd have to say she's been one of the most important people in my life, and I'm going to miss her a lot.

I first met her in grade 9. We were in the same gym class, and we formed a clique with three other girls, the five of us were friends throughout high school, with all the normal things that come in that form of relationship, fights over friends and clothes, going to the right parties, not talking to each other for a week and being best friends the next. When high school was done the five of us went our own ways, and while we made the effort to keep in touch, we really did drift apart.

Then Amy managed to get in touch with me, her roommate from university was looking for someone to work at her gallery, and Amy knew that's something I'd always wanted to do. She called me, and asked if I was still interested! Since I was still working at the dealership, I jumped at that chance. I went to London, interviewed for the job and I got it! The irony of the situation was that I was actually replacing Thomas at the job because he'd moved to England. It wasn't until he came back that they hooked up.

Anyway, with a new job in a new city, Amy offered to let me live with her while I got to know the city a little better. She'd just broken up with her boyfriend, and the apartment was feeling a little empty. It was a great chance to get to know each other again, and learn what had changed since high school. Of course, a lot had changed! The biggest change was, of course, me. In high school I was 110 pounds soaking wet, and was now over 400 pounds and a complete food addict. Nor was she the taught volleyball player I'd been friends with either. I do admit that I very much wanted her to learn to enjoy her food and her weight, and even though she asked if I was trying to fatten her up, I lied and said I wasn't. I was. I loved having someone to eat with, to be fat with, and since Amy was already kinda fat, I loved cooking for her, tempting her, and seeing how much she would eat without realising how much she was eating.

She still didn't like being fat, not until Thomas came back. Then it was too easy. He taught her to enjoy her fat like I couldn't, and suddenly I couldn't keep up with her. I was so proud of her, so happy for her! I really enjoyed the formative gaining, accepting the gain, exploring my appetite, just pushing the limits, and getting to relive it through her was great!

Then I moved to Ottawa for a 'better' job. Turned out the job wasn't better at all, so I moved back to London. The new job in London isn't great either, but London was home to me. It's where Ian still was, of course, but it also was where Amy was. She had become my best friend, and I wanted to be close to her if I could be.

I'm so glad I did, seeing her continue to gain, to grow, to love herself has been awesome. She's pushed herself past anything I could do myself. I never ever expected her to get as big as I had, and I certainly didn't think she had it in her to get as big as she has now! Where I admired her, I now envy her. I wish I could have the body she has, I wish I had the courage to push myself like she has. I'm also proud, because I know that she wouldn't have had the courage without me. I can't take total credit for her weight, but I do know that I helped set her course.

So, I am going to miss her. I'm going to miss her as a friend, we get along so well. I'm going to miss her as a sister, she really has been there when I needed her, and I've been there for her. These last few years have been far better than the 5 years of high school! I don't know if there's a much stronger bond than being fat and gaining together, I really don't.

I also admit I'm going to miss seeing her continue developing. I know she's going to reach 500 pounds, and she's going to do it soon, and I'm going to miss it. She's going to get bigger, and I'm going to miss it. I won't be able to watch her navigate a door frame, wonder if she'll be able to get off the couch, or see if that third pizza is the end of dinner, or just the end of the first course. Watching her grow has been as exciting as watching Paul grow!

Finally, I know we'll grow apart, distance does that. We'll try to remain friends, and I think we will. Like I said, our bond is stronger than most. She knows what she means to me. I know what I mean to her. We both know that if she didn't take this job, it would be same as me not taking the job that brought me to London in the first place, and neither of us want that. She will be happy. She will continue to grow, and we will continue to be friends. But, it just won't be the same, and I'll miss her.

Me: 436
Ian: 540
Difference: 104

I admit it, watching the difference between our weights shrink is becoming very exciting to me!

There are a lot of reasons for this, but ultimately they're all about change. I'm changing, Ian's changing, the dynamic of our relationship is changing. The changes aren't just in our bodies, but in our lifestyles and roles we're playing. Every change, big or small, I'm loving it, and watching that difference dwindle down is just a reminder of how all the changes are adding up and how everything is different, and will continue to be different.

I've been enjoying the changes to my body, though they are very subtle. I do find myself more and more envious of Amy's body, just watching as she moves around, seeing just how much space she takes up these days, I'd like that to be me! I am aware that I'm taking up more space with each day, but not getting a lot of those 'wow I'm fat' moments that I used to when I was gaining. Part of that has to do with the been-there-done-that factor. Part of that has to do with the fact that I'm still 100 pounds smaller than Ian, so now matter how fat I feel, he's bigger. Not for long though.

The changes in Ian have been quite spectacular too. He's dropped 60 pounds, but it looks like more because he's been building up his muscles with Sherry. Even though he's still quite large and cuddly, he's carrying himself better, and I can see and feel those powerful muscles at work under all that fat. He's still got a long way to go, but I had no idea how sexy he could be while being so fat and losing weight! It's always nice when your husband can surprise you like that.

All those poor suckers who work got a day off yesterday. More of the same for us mat-leavers. I'll be joining the suckers next year though.

We took advantage of the long weekend to head back home to Toronto to visit family and friends; to give everyone a chance to see how handsome and intelligent Paul is.

I also got a chance to hang out with Jeri and Amanda. I miss seeing them so much! Amanda's getting so big, she's such a bright little girl, full of energy, reminds me a lot of her mom. Jeri's getting so big too. She's not at her largest, but she's a lot bigger than she was the last time I got to see her. She's carrying the weight very well, she's still got plenty of energy to go with her wiggle and jiggle. I dare say her body is just about perfect, as much as I'm enjoying gaining these days, if I could have her body, I'd be in heaven.

We did end up eating a fair bit when James and Ian went out with the guys. It's not quite like old times, but it's still nice to get something like that in, especially since I'm in the same mindset I was back then, brings back some good memories.

The rest of the weekend was nice, a chance to relax while other people look after the baby. Driving went pretty well too. It's hit and miss getting in the car with Paul, so we really lucked out this weekend.

I'm one happy fat chick! I've been eating like crazy, and it just feels so comfortable, so familiar, so right!

During the day I'm snacking on fruit, bagels, veggies and the occasional cookie. Sherry has been kind enough to keep me company while the little ones try to get into trouble. I'm still surprised that she's more than happy to get up and take care of things for me, but I guess I'm not about to argue either.

In the evenings, it's party time. It's Amy's birthday this week, and rather than getting her drunk, we've been getting her stuffed. Last night she was over for dinner, I got a huge pot of pasta going, a loaf of garlic bread, and Ian just served us all night. When that was gone, we moved on to chocolate cake with ice cream. By the time she left, I couldn't get up, Ian actually went home with her to help make sure she got there okay, it was marvellous! Wednesday night was the same, but with pizza and a pan of Nanimo bars, except Amy made it home under how own power that time.

While the changes in my body haven't been all that dramatic, a couple of pounds is like a change of clothes, my lifestyle has been changing. I've allowed myself to get lazy again. I wasn't exactly a dynamo before, but Ian's happy to do the laundry, and Sherry doesn't mind handling the dishes, so if there's nothing left for me to do, I'm not going to go looking for something to do. The place is still in great shape, so I don't mind leaving it in their hands. My body has very comfortably shifted back into its sedentary mode, I'm enjoying it, and already feeling much more in tune with my body, in tune with my appetite, and in tune with my fat.

The baby's up, so, in short, I'm loving it.