Wednesday, October 25, 2006

450+.... Yeah Baby!

I've officially broken 450 pounds, I weighed in at 451 this morning! While it's not my first time being 450+, I'm enjoying it much more this time around. Maybe having a fatter Ian around helps. Maybe a different weight distribution helps. Maybe things have just changed in my body, and it's ready for the size this time. Who knows? Who cares? I'm fat, and I'm LOVING IT.

Ian's weight loss is slowing down recently. Sherry says she expected it, he's lost the 'easy' weight, the water weight, the weight that was there from just over eating. Now his body is in a routine, and it'll be more work to shed the weight. Also, since he's been doing weight training he's probably been gaining muscle mass, so the amount of fat being lost is still up there, just not the total weight loss. She's very happy with his progress, quite surprised by it really. I'm happy with his progress too, and surprised that I'm enjoying it so much.

I've written about the contrasts between us before, and I'll do it again too. Like right now. Ian's energy levels have grown tremendously. While he's still over 500 pounds, and 78 pounds bigger than I am, it just doesn't seem that way. He's the one running the errands, he's the one tidying up all the toys at the end of the day, cleaning up the kitchen etc. While I do help out around the house, the fact of the matter is, the bigger I get, the lazier I am. Ian's letting me get lazy, he likes to spoil me, and is making up for the time I spent spoiling him. There are times I wish I was doing more, but they're outnumbered by the times I wish i was eating more. I've become a princess. Ian is my rugged stableboy. It works.

Luckily, he's still plenty fat, I love playing with his fat, and the less there is, the more precious it becomes. While I'm looking forward to the day I'm fatter than he is, I'll be a little sad that there's less of him to play with too. He has been adapting to his weight loss pretty quickly, although it really is easier to adapt to being smaller. His waddle is really sexy now, with his extra strength and energy he moves quicker, so he wiggles and jiggles a lot more, his waddle is wider, so he can balance while moving with his new found speed. Watching him adjust his clothes when he gets dressed is fun too, they go on differently, hang differently, go together differently. We've been digging out some of his older sizes, it's funny to see him go from loose to tight!

Sherry and I have the day care thing sorted out. We'll be getting the kids used to it by dropping them off a few times before we go back to work. I hope it all works out! I don't know why it wouldn't but I just worry that I'd be a horrible mother if I didn't worry.

Ian: 529
Me: 451
Difference: 78 pounds

Monday, October 23, 2006

The Chase

Sherry and I have been busy finding a day care for the kids when we go back to work. I had no idea how tough it would be, you look for credentials, referrals, prices, policies. We're looking for a place that's convenient for both of us, that's got room for both kids and doesn't cost more than we're getting paid. (Seriously, there's plenty of places where I'd be forking over more than my pay cheque... why bother!?) We're ready to make a decision this week, so once that's sorted out, there will be one less thing stressing me. Of course, I'm one step closer to being back at work, which is stressing the hell out of me.

Besides that, I've been spending my free time as an eating machine. Weighing in at 449 this week, so close to 450, I really want to make sure I get there. I've been tempted by the scale, but waiting until Wednesday like always. I'm pretty sure I'm past 450 by now, I've been eating so much it doesn't seem possible that I couldn't be.

I don't know what it is, but I'm a lot more comfortable with my weight this time around. I'm guessing that having a baby really changed the way my body works, and it's just better suited to being fat now. Or maybe having a lot more weight in my belly makes a big difference too. Ian was comfortable with a lot more weight, and his weight is all in his belly too.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Snacks for a Rainy Day

It's another grey day in London. Not much to do but chores, snack and blog. I have no desire to do chores.

I don't actually know Alex's weight. I do know that he's exceeded Amy's old 440 pound scale. I don't know if he weighed in while Michel and I were making dinner, though it's tough to say if he'd have mentioned it with Ken and Sherry around anyway. If I had to guess, I'd say Alex is between 480 and 500 pounds. It's tough to get a good estimate, everyone is built differently, carries their weight differently, and even the same person can look bigger or smaller at similar weights (such as myself!). Next time I see Alex, I'll let him know that there are inquiring minds.

Amy has found a group of friends who aren't Thomas's friends. In any relationship, it's important to have friends who aren't your significant other's friends. In our case, they're mostly Ian's coworkers, since I moved to London to join some friends and he followed. Since Amy's co-workers are Thomas's friends, she needed some other people to hang out with, and she's got them. She never thought she'd be hanging out with construction workers, but she seems to be getting along pretty well with the guys doing her office work. She's been out with them a few times to watch the hockey games, and they're quite impressed how much she can eat.

Amy also says her appetite is getting stronger by the day.

Now that they're out of the way, I can report that Ian did enjoy a hearty Thanksgiving 2 on the weekend, he's basically back into his routines of cardio, weight lifting and responsible eating. I'm still stuck on the half proud/half sad view of him. It's incredible that he's stuck to it, the changes are nothing short of spectacular, and I love that he's got this iron will. At the same time, I miss doting on my big soft cuddle-bear.

The good does outweigh the bad though, as while I'm losing my cuddle-bear, I'm becoming a cuddle-bunny, and that's just as much fun, albeit in different ways. Closing in on 450 pounds, my weight really is catching up with me. On days where I'm up and about, it's not such a big deal for some reason, but on a quiet rainy day where I'm apartment bound, I get a little more in touch with my outer BBW. I feel the weight pulling me down a little more, I feel myself spreading out a little more, I'm more aware of the extra effort 450 pounds requires to get around a tiny apartment. I really enjoy that though. I like days where I'm busy, of course, but having these quiet down days, so I can contemplate my expanding belly are nice. It won't be long before all my days are busy, and I just won't be as in touch with my body as I can be today.

There's just something very satisfying about being fat, and sitting still.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Thanksgiving 2 (And an Amy Update)

Well, I wasn’t sure what to make this year, but Michel had something in mind: A Greek Thanksgiving! We had leg of lamb, and some other Greek dishes. I’ve never made that sort of stuff, so Michel helped out, and we managed to put together a pretty good dinner.

In addition to Michel and Alex, we also had Sherry and Ken over for the evening. It’s been a while since I saw Alex, and he’s gained a lot of weight, even though he’s still smaller than Ian, I’m pretty sure by BMI he’s bigger by now. He certainly seems like it. He reminds me of when Ian was 600 pounds, the way he moves and carries himself.

Michel is a complete contrast with Alex though! He’d always been pretty thin, but usually a fit thin, now he’s gotten even smaller. He’s not exactly skeletal, but certainly headed that way. Maybe seeing him next to Alex and Ken just makes him look that that much smaller, I don’t know.

As for Amy, I will try to post more about her. I figured there was a demand, but wasn’t sure. Thanks for letting me know.

She’s still busy, they’re renovating their office space, so Amy’s been supervising a construction crew. She tells me they call her ‘the fat chick with the doughnuts’. With everything coming together her stress has been going down, and her appetite has been coming back. She tells me she hasn’t weighed in, which I’m pretty sure means she’s still under 494.

Well, that’s all, it’s sunny out, I’m taking advantage.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Amy Updates?

Amy thought people would like to read a little bit about her here. I posted a few entries about her, but didn't get much of a response.

Does anyone want me to write about Amy's Odyssey?

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thanksgiving: 2006

Nick: A world of 500 pound women? Dare to dream my friend. Would make it easier to find some decent clothes though.

We went to Toronto for Thanksgiving again, I made dinner for Ian's family Sunday, and then helped out my mom with our family's on Monday. I love Thanksgiving. The food is something everyone knows, so there is a standard. You know what turkey tastes like, you know when it's good, and when it's bad. Thanksgiving is a chance to really show that I understand 'good food', and what people like.

Thanksgiving is also a chance to let someone else look after Paul for a while. I love him dearly, but, it's nice to get some time away, lol.

I didn't get a chance to visit with Jeri and Amanda, they were out of town. I'll need to make another visit or two while I'm still on mat leave. I miss them far too much.

The biggest question mark of Thanksgiving was Ian's appetite. How much was he going to eat? Was he going to restrain himself? Was he going to eat more than ever? Would it be a test of his self restraint? The start of something new? Well, I have to say, I was surprised. Ian ate a lot of food, as everyone is wont to do on Thanksgiving, but it was only a lot by 'normal' standards. I ate far more than he did, he ate far less than he has in many Thanksgivings. He said he was going to eat as much as he could, and I believe he did. His capacity really has shrunk over the last few months! Back home in London he's been eating as per usual (usual being the last few months, not the last few years). I thought there would be something of a re-awakening, but he's been 'good'. Granted, he didn't lose any weight this week, but he did have a few big meals, and far less exercise than normal. Next week will be a better indication of how his appetite has been sticking.

My own weight, on the other hand, has benefitted greatly from socially sanctioned gluttony. I'm up to 446 pounds this week. I can't help but think 'damn that's big'. It seems bigger as a number than it does as a reality. I don't FEEL like I'm 446 pounds. At 446 I should be feeling slower, I should be experiencing more difficulty getting around, I should be taking up more space. But I don't feel that way. I feel 400, maybe 430, tops. By that standard, I'd put Ian around 300 pounds these days, he moves too fast, too well balanced for someone his size!

Thanksgiving isn't done though, I'll be having my 'gourmet thanksgiving' this weekend. Not sure exactly what I'll serve yet, I'll be hitting the store tomorrow to finalise everything. It'll be tough to figure out how much to serve, last year there was Amy, Ian, Alex and preggo Char to feed, this year, the only big eaters are me and Alex. We'll see how close I can get it.

Friday, October 06, 2006

Sherry

I've been writing a lot about the changes in me, and the changes in Ian, and how those changes play out in our lives. I could talk about it endlessly, as I can just sit here and think about it endlessly. Both of our changes are very exciting to me, both individually, and as a couple.

I haven't been writing about Sherry's changes. Lately, I've been enjoying our contrasts as much as I've been enjoying my contrasts with Ian. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When I first met Sherry, we both had teeny tiny little babies. I was pretty out of shape, 380 pounds or so. She felt she was still pretty out of shape, but she was no more than 140 pounds. Granted, when I was skinny, I'd have called her fat, but in all honesty, she was just 'curvy'. Since that time, my weight has obviously increased a little bit, and her weight has decreased a little bit. In fact, she got to be in great shape, in my skinny days, I'd have been envious of her. (To be honest... as much as I'm enjoying life, I am envious of her body too.)

That was a few months ago though. Since attaining her teeny tiny little body, Sherry's continued to change. She has, in fact, gained weight. Now, I know there have been a few suggestions here that I encourage her to gain weight. Don't get me wrong, there are times that I'd love to. She knows it, but it's not happening. No, I mean that she's been putting on muscle weight. She's not one of those quasi-male bodybuilders or anything, but she's become very solid, very well defined. She carries it very well.

The contrasts between our bodies are very striking of course. Even though she's buff, she's still tiny next to me. One other thing, her appetite has grown, since her body is burning more calories, she's eating more. She's not really in my league, but she really has become a bit of an eating machine herself. It's something that we do share, even if she's a little more particular than I am.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Weight Gain and Art

Sorry, I meant to write about this yesterday, but it kind of slipped away.

Comparing the art of Fat Char vs Thin Char is just about impossible. The only changes in my life are not limited to my weight... thin Char was single, Fat Char lives with Ian. Thin Char was in school, Fat Char is a grown up and is beginning to act that way. Thin Char's only creative outlet was painting, Fat Char loves to cook, spends time with her child, her husband, and even writing a blog from time to time. Thin Char was troubled by many inner demons, Fat Char's inner demons are well fed.

I painted a lot more when I was skinny. Depending on what else was going on, I could crank out paintings like a printing press. As I said yesterday, my painting is therapeutic, and I needed more therapy then that I did now. Also, as I said above, I have so many more outlets for my creative energies, the NEED to paint just isn't there any more. An artist without a need to create is no artist at all, just a craftsman. (Don't get me wrong, a craftsman is capable of creating some incredible 'art', probably better than most 'artists', but I'm not a craftsman.)

So, while I've practised and refined my technique, and my painting may be technically better now, without the drive, it's probably not as good. I don't take up the brush as often, so maybe even though I know more, my hands are capable of less.

I don't miss it.

Fat Char may not be living the dreams of Thin Char, but Fat Char is happier than Thin Char ever imagined. If I had to give up painting tomorrow to keep this life, I would. (Luckily, I can have my cake, and my painting too.)

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Char and Art

Every artist has their own view of their own work. Their own reasons for doing it. Their own expectations for others to understand or interpret it. Their own ambitions for what they want their art to represent. These views change over time, like anything else in life. Progress in the modern world has vastly changed the parameters that art can be viewed in. Indeed, one could argue that just about any man made object/idea is art, and even simply capturing nature can be art as well.

So what is my 'art'?

I'm referring specifically to my painting here. I have other arts I engage in, and, frankly, enjoy more than the painting at this point in my life.

The style I enjoy most is impressionism. I like it for the reasons it was originally demonised: I'm not painting what's there, I'm painting what I see. Impressionism combines reality and imagination without any real rules. What I'm feeling is as important as what I see, while what I see can influence what I'm feeling, so can an argument I had 20 minutes earlier.

Originally I wanted to be a famous painter: misunderstood in her own time, but fabulously popular to future generations. As I really learned to understand my techniques, I learned why the impressionists did as they did. They had to make money to survive, they had to sell their paintings. They painted what they wanted to paint. They painted because they had to paint. They only sold paintings because they needed to eat, and that was the skill they had.

I don't need to sell paintings to eat. I have a bureaucratic job that isn't spiritually fulfilling, but I don't need that from my job, I have my art. It fills my spiritual side. When I'm painting, I'm sorting through my feelings, and while creating it, it's vitally important to me, but when I'm finished (rarely is the painting itself finished), I've moved on. When I look at an old painting, I remember what I felt, I'm reminded what I've learned, and I'm surprised that I've grown (spiritually, my paintings don't remind me how fat I am...). No one will ever understand my paintings, they can't. I don't want them to. It's not that I want to be misunderstood. I don't care if anyone understands them or not. They're mine.

I love painting in the fall. It's a season of change, there is a fantastic palette available, and there's always something on my mind. By the time I've captured a forest of colours, my mind is at peace, and I'm ready for the rest of the day.

In other news, I have grown, both as an artist and a BBW. I've reached a nice jiggly 442 pounds, while Ian's dropped to a svelte 531 pounds.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Weekend Update

After a LONG dreary week, things finally perked up on Sunday. The sun was out, the air was warm, and the trees were on full display. We're just transitioning into that sweet spot where some trees have changed colours, but leaves haven't started falling en mass yet. It was a great day to go for a walk in the park, and take some time to do some painting. I brought Ian and Paul, and Sherry and her family. The guys looked after the kids while Sherry watched me paint. She's never really seen me at work before (mostly because I hardly ever paint any more). I figured it was only fair, since I've seen the results of her work on Ian.

It's always a little odd when a non-painter watches a painter. For the longest time, I could never understand why everyone can't paint. It's so easy, you just paint what's in your mind. Some people see 'reality' in the their mind, other people see 'impressions', and others... well... imagination lives in the mind. It took me time to learn that not everyone has developed the coordination to let your hands create what's in your mind. It's the same thing when Ian sets up some fancy computer programme, and then tears his hair out when I can't figure out where to click. I can learn it, but I can't just figure it out like he can. Or when Amy went over my budget. I understand what the numbers mean, and with time can figure out what's 'best', but she can just take a quick look, tell me where everything should go and I'm just 'wow'.

Sherry is definitely not artistically inclined, so she really enjoyed watching the process. She didn't ask about it at all, which is good, I can't explain it. I just paint!

Saturday was definitely a day to stay in. Ian didn't have any exercises planned, so he took a day to spoil me. I'll never get enough of those! These days spoiling me is pretty simple, some low light, some warming massage oil, and enough chocolate to fill... um... me. I'm sorry, I just can't come up with a good chocolate eating metaphor. Doesn't matter, I'm sure by now you're guessing I can eat a lot, lol. There really is a special pleasure to be full of chocolate and having your husband's powerful hands deliver an expert massage.

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