Friday, April 12, 2002
I was hoping to create a listing of everything that has happened in the last years that happened since I last kept a diary.
But then I realized that a lot has happened, and, well, maybe it’s best left at that. I’ll just put whatever the hell I want here. If I want to recollect some memory from the past, I’ll do that. If I want to bitch about something bugging me today, I’ll do that. If I want to write a poem, solve world hunger or see how many times I can type the word ‘booger’ before I get bored, I’ll do those too!
So, without further ado, here is today’s installment of Charlotte’s Odyssey.
I want to write more about why I’m keeping track of this diary. Life is a series of events. They all happen, whether you want them to or not. You can choose to control the events (or at least try), or just lay back, and enjoy the ride. Well, there is a whole spectrum of midway points, but that’s still the general idea.
I’ve always been a big fan of seeing where life would take me, rather than trying to force life to be what I want it to be. This way I learn more, experience more, and I’m disappointed MUCH less often. (If you don’t want something, then you can’t miss it, right?)
To some people, my life might be a bit of a waste. I never had a steady relationship with a boyfriend (or girlfriend…). I never had anything I’d call a career. My talents go to waste, because I don’t want to play the games needed to use them in the ‘real world’. And, of course, I’ve gained a few pounds.
So, how do I respond to this criticism?
Sure, I never got very close to anyone. But why get close to the wrong person? That can be a big waste of time. Heck, if you spend 5 years with someone JUST to be with someone, that’s worse than seeing 50 people in those same 5 years. Yeah, you know more about them, but it still leads nowhere. If I can’t strike something up quickly, or I get bored, then OBVIOUSLY I’m not with the right person.
On top of that, by dating a variety of people, I’ve learned more. You have to see the world a different way with every person you date. You have to accommodate, you have to negotiate, appreciate in order to have quality time together. The more people you do that with, the easier it becomes, so that when you DO meet better people, it’s much easier to get into things.
Some people would call me an unfulfilled slut. Well, of course, if I was unfulfilled, what else was I supposed to do? Look for fulfillment. Fortunately, I HAVE found fulfillment with Ian. I think (more later…).
I’ve never had a career. I can’t get a job that I like, with people that I like. I guess I find it difficult to be patronized, to be condescended to. And you have to do that in most ‘entry level’ jobs. So you go from job to job, trying to find a place you fit in. Working in a few different industries, with lots of different people, again, is good for getting a better view of the world. Not so good for the pocketbook though!
I really would like a career in the art world. But the ones that can sustain you are so far and few between, and I’ve ticked off too many of the ‘right’ people. I guess I need a new dream.
And the last criticism, is my weight. For a lot of people, their weight is a touchy subject. Even for me, back in highschool, weight was more important than grades it seemed. But not now. I’m 445 pounds, and I’m quite forthcoming with that. To a degree, I’m proud of my weight. I enjoy it! People just don’t seem to understand that.
I’m sure there are some bizarre psychological explanations for my extreme obesity, but I don’t care. Not right now. So how did I get this big?
For the longest time, I was very thin: 110 lbs on a 5’10” body. I was skeletal, and I loved it. Hell, I made fun of fat people! Not just big fat people, but women who were like 160 lbs. How mean is that!?
So what changed? My best friend, Jerica (Jeri) got pregnant. She’s a great friend, smart, active. She always was into sports, she played soccer, she was VERY good at that. We played basketball and volleyball. She was never as thin as me, but she was curvy, trim and relatively muscular (not like bodybuilder, but there was some definition there). She had a tendency to put on a bit of a ‘winter coat’ which I always bugged her about.
But with the pregnancy, it hit her really hard. She’d already broken up with Michael, because he was a cheating louse. The company she worked for went under, shortly after she found out. That’s a whole lot of crap to deal with all at once. So, in a predictable fashion, she sort of retreated from the world, and took control where she could. She ate.
So many things were out of her control, and everyone was telling her to watch what she ate. Rather than bend to anyone’s will, she stood defiantly, and pigged out! It made her feel better. She learned to appreciate food (something that a 125 pound athlete just never really does). She ate treats, it made her feel better. She cooked a good meal for her friends, she felt accomplished.
In many ways, it helped her survive a very harrowing 9 months of her life. Of course, the downside was she did gain a lot of weight. Towards the end of her pregnancy she was a hormonal mess. She had come to depend on the food a little too much. Indeed, she could be a huge pain to be around, unless she was snacking, in which case she was ‘normal’.
So how does this affect me? Well, she really needed her friends then. We were good friends before, but since I had no life then, she turned to me more and more. And I was there for her. We’d been friends, why not become best friends? She needed it, and well, it’s nice to be needed, right?
I saw how her life, her body, had transformed. She was no longer my friend from school. She was a different person. She wasn’t a 125 lb athlete, she was a 200 lb woman who had a desperate love for life that was more important than anything.
It rubbed off on me. She got so much satisfaction from eating. I saw it in her. I wanted that. But also, seeing her new body… the contrast to what it was, to what my body was… I don’t understand exactly, but I found her fat to be intoxicating. It wasn’t long before I was enjoying the same frequent snacks and large meals that she was!
After Amanda was born, to share costs the three of us lived together. That was great for her, she didn’t have to be a ‘single mom’. It was great for Amanda, she had two full time parents. It was great for me, giving me a meaning to my life! Jeri was still in her eating habits, and I was growing into them too. It wasn’t long before she was even bigger than when she was pregnant, it wasn’t long before I was getting pretty soft!
I guess there was this weird synergy. Jeri was already fat, maybe 230 pounds. So she didn’t care. And I was having so much fun that I didn’t care. Hell, we got to go out and buy new clothes, how can that be bad!? The more we ate, the more we could eat. It became a game of one-ups-man-ship. We would eat more at a sitting, we’d have more snacks. It just snowballed.
Eventually Jeri got upto 350 lbs, I was about 250 myself. She realized that she was getting too fat, she wanted to play and run and do things with Amanda, and her size would get in the way. She started to diet.
About this time I’d met Ian. He had the same fascination with me that I’d had with Jerica. He liked seeing me gain weight, to change who I was. We had a lot of other things in common. Since I was still ‘pigging out’ when Jeri was trying to diet, that produced a lot of friction.
But she was doing well at work, and was getting much more support from Ian. They didn’t really need me anymore… so I decided to move in with Ian. Let’s see, if memory serves, I would have been about 340 lbs by then, and Jeri had successfully dieted to 370…
So, now I was living with Ian. I was 340 lbs… that was fat! I was huge, and I loved it, and he loved it J I loved how my body felt. I loved the attention I got.
And with Ian, he spoiled me like never before. He’s smart, educated, has a great job. He could afford to lavish attention and spoil me like I’ve never been before. I was eating VERY well, and VERY often, I loved it!
I’d always secretly dreamed of being the size of Jeri. That started when she was about 200, well, I was way past 200 now, but she was still bigger. But only a few months after I’d moved out, Jeri became quite ill, and dropped weight quickly. And with Ian’s enthusiasm, I was gaining rapidly. It wasn’t long before I was larger than her.
So that brings us to today, Jeri is down to about 220 pounds, and I’m fully twice her size at 445. The whole thing started when she was twice MY size.
But then I realized that a lot has happened, and, well, maybe it’s best left at that. I’ll just put whatever the hell I want here. If I want to recollect some memory from the past, I’ll do that. If I want to bitch about something bugging me today, I’ll do that. If I want to write a poem, solve world hunger or see how many times I can type the word ‘booger’ before I get bored, I’ll do those too!
So, without further ado, here is today’s installment of Charlotte’s Odyssey.
I want to write more about why I’m keeping track of this diary. Life is a series of events. They all happen, whether you want them to or not. You can choose to control the events (or at least try), or just lay back, and enjoy the ride. Well, there is a whole spectrum of midway points, but that’s still the general idea.
I’ve always been a big fan of seeing where life would take me, rather than trying to force life to be what I want it to be. This way I learn more, experience more, and I’m disappointed MUCH less often. (If you don’t want something, then you can’t miss it, right?)
To some people, my life might be a bit of a waste. I never had a steady relationship with a boyfriend (or girlfriend…). I never had anything I’d call a career. My talents go to waste, because I don’t want to play the games needed to use them in the ‘real world’. And, of course, I’ve gained a few pounds.
So, how do I respond to this criticism?
Sure, I never got very close to anyone. But why get close to the wrong person? That can be a big waste of time. Heck, if you spend 5 years with someone JUST to be with someone, that’s worse than seeing 50 people in those same 5 years. Yeah, you know more about them, but it still leads nowhere. If I can’t strike something up quickly, or I get bored, then OBVIOUSLY I’m not with the right person.
On top of that, by dating a variety of people, I’ve learned more. You have to see the world a different way with every person you date. You have to accommodate, you have to negotiate, appreciate in order to have quality time together. The more people you do that with, the easier it becomes, so that when you DO meet better people, it’s much easier to get into things.
Some people would call me an unfulfilled slut. Well, of course, if I was unfulfilled, what else was I supposed to do? Look for fulfillment. Fortunately, I HAVE found fulfillment with Ian. I think (more later…).
I’ve never had a career. I can’t get a job that I like, with people that I like. I guess I find it difficult to be patronized, to be condescended to. And you have to do that in most ‘entry level’ jobs. So you go from job to job, trying to find a place you fit in. Working in a few different industries, with lots of different people, again, is good for getting a better view of the world. Not so good for the pocketbook though!
I really would like a career in the art world. But the ones that can sustain you are so far and few between, and I’ve ticked off too many of the ‘right’ people. I guess I need a new dream.
And the last criticism, is my weight. For a lot of people, their weight is a touchy subject. Even for me, back in highschool, weight was more important than grades it seemed. But not now. I’m 445 pounds, and I’m quite forthcoming with that. To a degree, I’m proud of my weight. I enjoy it! People just don’t seem to understand that.
I’m sure there are some bizarre psychological explanations for my extreme obesity, but I don’t care. Not right now. So how did I get this big?
For the longest time, I was very thin: 110 lbs on a 5’10” body. I was skeletal, and I loved it. Hell, I made fun of fat people! Not just big fat people, but women who were like 160 lbs. How mean is that!?
So what changed? My best friend, Jerica (Jeri) got pregnant. She’s a great friend, smart, active. She always was into sports, she played soccer, she was VERY good at that. We played basketball and volleyball. She was never as thin as me, but she was curvy, trim and relatively muscular (not like bodybuilder, but there was some definition there). She had a tendency to put on a bit of a ‘winter coat’ which I always bugged her about.
But with the pregnancy, it hit her really hard. She’d already broken up with Michael, because he was a cheating louse. The company she worked for went under, shortly after she found out. That’s a whole lot of crap to deal with all at once. So, in a predictable fashion, she sort of retreated from the world, and took control where she could. She ate.
So many things were out of her control, and everyone was telling her to watch what she ate. Rather than bend to anyone’s will, she stood defiantly, and pigged out! It made her feel better. She learned to appreciate food (something that a 125 pound athlete just never really does). She ate treats, it made her feel better. She cooked a good meal for her friends, she felt accomplished.
In many ways, it helped her survive a very harrowing 9 months of her life. Of course, the downside was she did gain a lot of weight. Towards the end of her pregnancy she was a hormonal mess. She had come to depend on the food a little too much. Indeed, she could be a huge pain to be around, unless she was snacking, in which case she was ‘normal’.
So how does this affect me? Well, she really needed her friends then. We were good friends before, but since I had no life then, she turned to me more and more. And I was there for her. We’d been friends, why not become best friends? She needed it, and well, it’s nice to be needed, right?
I saw how her life, her body, had transformed. She was no longer my friend from school. She was a different person. She wasn’t a 125 lb athlete, she was a 200 lb woman who had a desperate love for life that was more important than anything.
It rubbed off on me. She got so much satisfaction from eating. I saw it in her. I wanted that. But also, seeing her new body… the contrast to what it was, to what my body was… I don’t understand exactly, but I found her fat to be intoxicating. It wasn’t long before I was enjoying the same frequent snacks and large meals that she was!
After Amanda was born, to share costs the three of us lived together. That was great for her, she didn’t have to be a ‘single mom’. It was great for Amanda, she had two full time parents. It was great for me, giving me a meaning to my life! Jeri was still in her eating habits, and I was growing into them too. It wasn’t long before she was even bigger than when she was pregnant, it wasn’t long before I was getting pretty soft!
I guess there was this weird synergy. Jeri was already fat, maybe 230 pounds. So she didn’t care. And I was having so much fun that I didn’t care. Hell, we got to go out and buy new clothes, how can that be bad!? The more we ate, the more we could eat. It became a game of one-ups-man-ship. We would eat more at a sitting, we’d have more snacks. It just snowballed.
Eventually Jeri got upto 350 lbs, I was about 250 myself. She realized that she was getting too fat, she wanted to play and run and do things with Amanda, and her size would get in the way. She started to diet.
About this time I’d met Ian. He had the same fascination with me that I’d had with Jerica. He liked seeing me gain weight, to change who I was. We had a lot of other things in common. Since I was still ‘pigging out’ when Jeri was trying to diet, that produced a lot of friction.
But she was doing well at work, and was getting much more support from Ian. They didn’t really need me anymore… so I decided to move in with Ian. Let’s see, if memory serves, I would have been about 340 lbs by then, and Jeri had successfully dieted to 370…
So, now I was living with Ian. I was 340 lbs… that was fat! I was huge, and I loved it, and he loved it J I loved how my body felt. I loved the attention I got.
And with Ian, he spoiled me like never before. He’s smart, educated, has a great job. He could afford to lavish attention and spoil me like I’ve never been before. I was eating VERY well, and VERY often, I loved it!
I’d always secretly dreamed of being the size of Jeri. That started when she was about 200, well, I was way past 200 now, but she was still bigger. But only a few months after I’d moved out, Jeri became quite ill, and dropped weight quickly. And with Ian’s enthusiasm, I was gaining rapidly. It wasn’t long before I was larger than her.
So that brings us to today, Jeri is down to about 220 pounds, and I’m fully twice her size at 445. The whole thing started when she was twice MY size.
// posted by Charlotte @ 3:37:00 PM 
