Thursday, July 29, 2004

Twice the size, Twice the love

Some days I wish I’d studied more psychology.  Certainly art has it’s own aspects of psychology:  you’re trying to get someone else to feel the same thing you were when you painted/sculpted/whatever your piece.

That doesn’t explain the new light I see Ian in.

As of yesterday he is absolutely gigantic!  I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.  Not much changed between Tuesday and yesterday.  But when I look at Ian, he looks 10 times bigger than before.  This guy weighs twice as much as I do.  And I still feel like I’m enormous.

I feel like I need to grab a thesaurus just to talk about him now.  Enormous, gigantic, humongous; I could go on and on, and I’d feel the need to go on more.  Anyway, the point is, for some reason, presumably psychological, knowing that Ian is twice my size has opened my eyes.

First of all, last night we celebrated in style.  I made up garlic bread, stuffed mushrooms, chicken fetticini with al fredo sauce.  For dessert he had a cheesecake, an ice cream sundae, and a bag of Oreos.  It took a while to get it all into him, but it was amasing just seeing him eat that much.  Any time he slowed down, I cuddled into him and began to massage his stomach, which always increases his appetite.

His stomach is absolutely .  It’s soft and fleshy, yet taught from being full of food.  I absolutely loves how it feels in my hands.  It’s tough to get just the right touch on him, he’s become incredibly ticklish with the extra flesh.

After he finished eating we went to bed.  Just lying down next to him, it’s almost surreal.  His stomach sticks way up, but it also spills over his sides.  The fat on his back is pressed out, he looks almost like a stack of bean bags! 

When his stomach is full he gets aroused very easily.  His senses are strained, so it doesn’t take very much for him to get off.  It means I need to plan ahead to ensure everyone’s happy.  We usually finish off in a missionary position these days, with myself on the bottom.  With my stomach getting smaller, there’s room for him to manoeuvre over me. Having that much weight on top of me is incredibly erotic.  He presses all over me, his stomach flattening mine, spilling over.  I’m pinned there, but I love it anyway.  I’m not sure how long I could handle it, but he’s not long.

Just sleeping next to him is great too.  I can put my arm over him, but not around him!  These days I have to snuggle in, brace myself on a pillow to get the height I need for even that.

Seeing him not as  a fat guy, but a someone twice my size has really opened my eyes, my heart and my imagination.  He’s a stupendous example of humanity.  I love him, and I only wish there were more of him to love.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Big Ian, Small Char

We did it!

Ian’s gained enough weight that he weighs fully twice what I weigh:  I’m 259, he’s 518 pounds.

I’ve certainly been pushing him these last couple weeks.  With it being so close, I just couldn’t wait any more.  Ian’s definitely responded well.  He seems to be eating more than ever before, which is certainly an accomplishment.  I’m sure now he’ll slack off a bit, but I hope he doesn’t lose any weight, I like where we are now.

It’s certainly a great deal of credit to Ian that he could actually achieve this, but I know I’ve put a lot of work into both his weight gain, and my own weight loss, which certainly helped speed the process of him doubling my weight.  It was tough changing my lifestyle around, but it feels absolutely worth it now.

I’ve long felt that Ian’s expansion was an artistic endeavour.  Through my encouragement, my cooking, my help, Ian’s acquired this flesh.  He’s become everything I had hoped he would.  He is a living, breathing, eating piece of art.  I’m so proud of him.

It’s hard to express exactly what I’m thinking.  This has been something we’ve been working towards for so long.  It never occurred to me that I’d need to make a ‘victory entry’ in my diary.

Tonight things will have settled in a little.  We’ll know what’s next.  We’ll definitely talk this out.  I know that Ian has long maintained that he’d like to stop gaining once he reached twice my weight.  I’d thought he’d be closer to 550 when it happened.  I hope he’ll keep going, I know he’s got it in him.  550 would be something incredible to share.

Perhaps if I start gaining weight again it’ll push him up faster.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Shelley’s Turning 30!

I haven’t thought much about her in the last few years.
 
Now I feel bad about it.  But after she graduated, she went to work at the National Gallery.  We saw each other a few times, but not often, and by the time I graduated, well, I don’t think I’ve seen her since.
 
Now she’s turning 30, has gone out of her way to invite everyone up.  It’s not until mid August, so I can still set aside time to make it up there.  That’s great!
 
So much has changed since I saw her.  When I first read the invitation, I wondered what she’d think.  I don’t know.
 
I’m really worried what she’d think too.  She’s definitely an important person in my life.  She wasn’t the first girl I was with, but she was the first girl that I held hands with in public.  So… she’d be the person that let me show the world that I was bisexual.  Such an odd memory.  I wasn’t scared of anything.  It was mostly a matter of worried if I’d eventually be worried.  So many people seemed to problems with it, I wondered if it would ever come back to haunt me.  Aside from this awkward paragraph, I’d say it hasn’t.  It was a big step, and yet it was a non-step.  Of course, I’ve never told Ian about Shelley.  He’s one of the people I was worried this might come back to haunt me, even though I didn’t know him.
 
I’m not sure I’ll tell Ian or not.  Maybe let him find out if it comes up.  If it doesn’t come up, then it wouldn’t hurt him.  Of course, if he reads this, then he’ll know.
 
What I’ve been thinking about is what she’d have thought about my weight.  I doubt she’d have gone for it.  Although, if I was with her, I doubt I’d have gone for it either.  She was a swimmer, and kept fit, and quite powerful too!  Of course, Ian was in pretty good shape when I met him, but he already knew he liked bigger girls.  Maybe Shelley secretly wanted to date fat women too?
 
Look at me ramble.  We only dated for a few months, never exclusively.  On the other hand I’ve never been one to go back and restart life with exes.  Of course, we were exes and friends for a while too.  It was sort of like it never happened with us.  I wonder how she feels about that?
 
I can’t wait to see her.
 
She meant so much to me.  I hope she still does. 
  


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

The Folk Festival

Not nearly as exciting as Sun Fest, unless you’re into folk music I suppose.  I’m not.  We did pretty good sales actually, despite the weather being unpredictable.  It’s tough when you’re constantly taking down or putting up displays.  At least we knew which works to put where for maximum close up time!
 
Amy and Ian put my and Thomas’ busy time to good use:  they ate.  In many ways, it’s nice having Amy in Ian’s life.  It gives him someone to eat with.  It’s tough to explain, but much easier to indulge when you’re doing it with someone.  That little part at the back of your brain that says ‘I shouldn’t’ gets easily overridden when someone else is there.  ‘I shouldn’t… but she is, so what the heck.’
 
It puts less pressure on me to eat with him, which is good for me losing weight.  I still can’t believe how I’ve melted away, but I’m not going to argue with success.  This summer is definitely a big change from last summer!  And I feel much better than I did 2 summers ago.
 
Someone once suggested that my goal was to reach an ‘agile weight’.  I think that’s a perfect summation of my goal.  I don’t want to be ‘skinny’.  I just want to be able to get around easily.  I think I’ve definitely hit that range.  I’m not sure how much more weight I’ll lose.  I’m kind of used to my lifestyle now, so we’ll see where it goes.  If I plateau at 260, 200, whatever, I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy with it.  Of course, this is just temporary until I get pregnant!
 
What else is on my mind?
 
Not too much really.
 
Just… hoping to get pregnant soon!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

The SunFest Diet

Everyone’s got a sure fire diet these days. I’ve discovered one of my own: spend three days manning an outdoor booth in 30 degree heat. In the sun. High humidity. No wind. I lost 6 pounds doing that!

Sure, most of it is probably water, and I’ve probably gained it all back. But Diets are all about losing 10 pounds, right? Imagine if Sun Fest lasted a week? I’d have wasted away completely.

Ian’s weight didn’t change this week. I guess I’m going to have to start feeding him more. Of course, even maintaining 515 pounds is requiring a hefty portion of food. He even tells me that he and Amy ate a lot while I was busy over the weekend. I guess take out just isn’t as good for gaining as my home cookin’!

On the other hand, it seems to be doing Amy’s butt some good. She’s upto 314 pounds. In other words, a full 50 pounds heavier than me. I know I’ve written about this before, but I still don’t think of her as being bigger than I am. I’ve still got the mindset of when I was 400 pounds and bigger than everybody. So I look at her, think ‘she’s pretty fat’, not ‘wow, she’s 50 pounds fatter than me’.

Thursday, July 08, 2004

Lazy Ian

I hope this doesn’t come out wrong. These thoughts, on their own, might seem like a complaint. They’re 100% not. I’m just not sure I can provide enough context to paint them in the right light.

I don’t remember ever being as lazy as Ian is.

Now, when I was at my full size, I was much smaller than Ian is now. So perhaps it’s not a fair comparison. Also, people always see their contribution as more valuable than other people do, so perhaps I was that lazy, but felt like I was doing something.

So why do I say this? Running our household is pretty much my job. Of course, it’s just an apartment, so it’s not a huge deal. I do the cooking and the cleaning. The cooking is an every day thing, as is the cleaning, but the cleaning can be done in patches, one room at a day. Certainly when I was bigger and Ian was smaller we split the cleaning duties up.

I don’t really mind. Ian would do more chores if I asked him to. I let him get away with being lazy precisely because I’d rather see him gaining weight. And more activity means I’m burning more calories and losing weight quicker. It’s an ideal solution that meets our goals so perfectly.

So why bother writing this down?

Why not? It’s my diary, I’ll write whatever the hell I want.

Monday, July 05, 2004

Cottage Country

Friday Ian and I headed upto Cottage Country to visit with some of his friends. They try to get together every summer at least once. It’s kind of a fun pilgrimage, and his friends are all pretty cool. We don’t see them as much as when we lived in Toronto, but that’s to be expected really. It’s times like that when I realise that Ian really has made sacrifices for me. He came to London because I’m here.

It’s good to get out in the sun too, and throw back some beers with friends. Also good to see Ian floating around in a bathing suit! We’d had to buy some new ones for the trip because last year’s didn’t fit, of course.

I love that first shock when Ian’s friends realise how big he is again. Since we hadn’t seen some since last summer, when Ian was a mere 450 or so, there is quite a change. Especially compared to me, I was in the high 300s then myself!

A couple of the girls even congratulated me on the weight loss. I told them to hold their congratulations. I really hate when people say that too me. It’s just… I don’t know. To me it’s just a small change really. I don’t feel like I’m really accomplishing anything, not like when I was gaining weight. Living life at 460 pounds IS an accomplishment. Doing something I did before… where’s the big deal in that?

You lose a volleyball game, no one congratulates you. You lose your keys, no congratulations. You’re congratulated when you win the lottery, when you graduate from school. You congratulate someone for GAINING something!

Of course, one girl had gained maybe 30 pounds. I knew better than to congratulate her. She seemed extra embarrassed that I would dare to swim when she wouldn’t. Too bad for her I suppose.

The biggest downside to these trips is that Ian has to eat normally. There just isn’t the logistics for him to feed like we do at home.

But that’s fine, going to the cottage isn’t about daily life, it’s about relaxing, having fun with friends. I’d rather spend the time like that than watching Ian gain another pound.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?