MsCezanne's Odyssey

Ian’s at work.

I’m at the apartment (our apartment).

I slept in today, it was a busy weekend!

In addition to feeding Ian, going out with friends, watching Jeri play soccer and playing with Amanda, I finally got to see how much weight I’ve lost. I’m downto 403 pounds! That’s incredible.

Not long before I’m UNDER 400 pounds.

It’s weird, I never thought about it much, until now. Sure, I’ve had my fantasies where I’m my skinny self again, but I’ve never given much thought to being ‘fat, but not huge’. I must say, the prospect is pretty exciting!

And I can notice the difference, I’m quicker on my feet, my stomach isn’t really in my way any more (it is, but I’m so used to it being HUGE, that now it seems like nothing.) My appetite really is under control. When Ian is eating a bowl of ice cream, a bag of chips, his third stack of pancakes, there is nothing inside me wishing to join him. I really am not all that hungry any more!

As for Ian, the weight he lost is pretty unnoticeable. Of course, 5 pounds on 450 isn’t much to speak of, and has as much to do with his digestive tract as anything!

I did my best to help him back. Pancakes, sausages and bacon on Saturday. Sunday I made up eggs, hashbrowns and toast. Lunch was a picnic on Saturday, we had KFC. I never really liked KFC, and yet got hooked on it in my ‘gaining’ days. Ian does like it though, so he ate most of it.

We went out with friends Saturday night, Ian just ate pub food for most of the evening, but that’s fun too. I got a little sloshed myself, glad he was driving.

Sunday I was playing with Amanda, and went to watch Jeri play soccer. I do love spending time with the both of them. Makes me feel like I’m home, since I did live with them for so long.

In the evening James barbecued some chicken, it was pretty good, but it’s not his forte. I’ll have to learn how to BBQ someday, but not yet.

Today Ian got up for work before I was awake, I hope he ate okay! We’re going out with one of his friends for dinner tonight. It’s actually an ex-girlfriend of his! I guess that’ll be interesting.

We’ll see!

Thomas has become a bit of a fixture around our apartment

... and I can’t say that I mind! He’s a great guy, I like to talk with him. He’s also quite fond of Amy, and she’s quite happy with him too.

I also think that I’ve awaken the FA inside him. I know he’s fascinated by my size, and I know that he enjoys Amy’s ampleness (if you can call her ample!). Certainly he enjoys the fact that she eats more when he’s around.

We all talk, Amy’s learning a lot about art from us. I’m not sure if she cares, but she’s making the effort, and who knows? She’s actually been teaching Thomas a lot about movies. He’s seeing things that just never occurred to him before. He always thought of movies as ‘art for stupid people’.

But Amy’s pointed out that a lot of artists have to come together to make a good movie. Directors, writers, actors, cinematographers, set designers, costumers… they’re all actors. And if they can come together in a singular vision, well, what’s more artistic than that? He’s not sold on the idea quite yet, but on some movies he’s really paying attention now. He’s become quite fond of Se7en especially.

As for me, I think I’m still losing weight. Michelle has commented on it, which is nice. I hope to get to Toronto soon, so I can see what I’m weighing in at.

Also, I need to get to Toronto soon to stop Ian from wasting away! He’s lost another 2 pounds, all my hard work is just melting away. I know he’s been spending time with some of his old friends from when he was into fitness. I didn’t think it would be a problem… but maybe it is!

Since getting home from England ...

...Thomas has been… lazy. He’s living at a friend’s place right now, and he hangs around the store. I think he sort of wants his old job back, but can’t ask Michelle because, well, he knows that we’re fully staffed.

Although, I suppose it does let me off the hook for staying on, because if I leave than Thomas could have my job. But I’m not ready to leave yet. So who knows what will happen?

I’m actually seeing a lot of Thomas, since he comes over and watches movies with Amy. Thomas doesn’t really like movies, I can see it when he’s watching them. He’s there because Amy is! She’s taking things super ultra slowly though. I wonder what Thomas is expecting from her.

The funny thing is, he never ever asks me about her when he’s visiting the store! I’d tell him anything, if he just asked. But I’m not going to volunteer random info either. I do think they’d get along, once they get a dynamic, just like Ian and I. They’re not opposites, but they have about as much in common as they don’t.

I do think that whatever happens, it will be just what Amy needs!

I also think that Michelle is a little jealous that Thomas is spending time talking to me at work. I think she’d like to have him a little more to herself. He’s quite the talker, he can go on and on about anything. But he can also tell when he’s gone too far, which is nice. Nothing’s worse than someone who is oblivious to boring you to tears!

Look at me, all gossipy.

I need something more serious to write about!

Um… gay marriage: why not? The people who oppose it, why? What do heterosexual couples lose when gay people marry? Already homosexual relationships are covered by common-law laws. Marriage is just a piece of paper really. Actually, it’s a piece of paper that costs money. This is a governmental revenue stream! As for marriage being a requisite of adoption, well, even hetero married couples must go through a selection process to determine parental capacity. Home couples would too. Fit parents are fit parents, irrespective of sexual orientation. Besides, it beats closet gays lying to adopt kids!

Lol

There, much better.

A little retrospection, if you don’t mind.

I’ve never been one who enjoyed labels. Yes, they make things really easy, but I find that once someone is stuck with a label, it’s hard to break free of it, it’s hard to not be that label.

Obviously I don’t care about the obvious titles: girl/woman, redhead, artist. I certainly fit those categories, and generally wouldn’t do anything to escape them. Well, I do dye my hair, but it’s red if I don’t. And the word ‘artist’ means different things to different people, and I think that’s what I love most about that ‘label’.

Certainly when I played basketball, there was no problem being labelled a guard, that’s what I was. And in high school I had no problem being labelled skinny, because, at 5’10”, 110 lbs, that’s much more polite than skeletal, beanpole etc. To a 16 year old girl, there are few labels that are more satisfying to achieve than ‘skinny’. It’s wrong, and I’ve contributed to that negative label. Oh well. Shit happens.

Since gaining weight I cheerfully accepted the labels of chubby, voluptuous, curvy, heavy, fat and huge. I even cheerfully accepted some of the more derogatory labels, they were proof that I was changing, and that I was better than someone else who felt that putting me down somehow made their world a better place. (I hate to be judgemental, I was unenlightened once myself. Ironically, I was unenlightened when I was lighter…)

Indeed, I actually rather enjoyed the derogatory labels a little bit more. I LIKED that I could embrace something that other people would cast off. I LIKED that I was being different. Did it prove I was better than them? I don’t know, but I certainly like that theory!

So that brings me to more current labels. I do enjoy a good internet chat. I know it’s not for everyone, but it is for me. I like being able to get to know people in an environment where your words and thoughts represent you more than anything else. Anyway, I like to chat on Dimensions Chat, which of course is centred around bigger people, and people who admire them.

The chat further breaks down, and as usual, it breaks down along labels. At this point, no arguing that I’m a BBW (Fat Woman), and no point in arguing that I’m an FFA (I like Fat Guys – one fat guy in specific). The other labels are a little more nebulous to me. They are feedee, feeder, and a bit of a new one (to me) foodee.

Feeder is the easiest to define. It’s someone who really likes the idea of their partner (or people in general I suppose) eating excessively. There are a few reasons people would be ‘feeders’. They like the idea of others enjoying food. Or, much more commonly, they enjoy the prospect of others gaining weight! Usually it’s a mix of both.

A feedee would then be someone who likes to indulge a feeder. That would mean they enjoy eating excessively, usually with an eye to gaining weight.

A foodee would be like a feedee, except they’re more interested in the experience of eating. Enjoying the aromas, the flavours and textures brought about by a good meal, a divine snack or even simple candy.

So, given these definitions, how do I see myself?

Obviously it has changed over time.

At first, I believe I was a ‘foodee’. Jeri had gained such enjoyment from eating that it was infectious, and I learned how to love to eat too. We did gain quite a few pounds in the process, but we just loved to eat!

But, as the weight did pile on, we found ourselves fascinated by it. We loved the new feelings as our bodies changed. It was just amasing. At this point we definitely became feedees. It wasn’t just about good food, but about packing away calories!

At this point I also transcended into becoming a feeder. I was interested in making the best food I could, because greater variety, greater tastes, greater experiences made everything much easier. I’m not sure if there is a term for someone who wants to gain, wants to see others gain and wants to make all the food, but that’s me then!

At the point we were full fledged BBWs is when I met Ian. He was the first person I knew who was ‘into’ weight gain and BBWs. He was my first FA (likes fat women). He was also a feeder, and was obviously impressed by my current pursuits. Ian did become my feeder, and I was his feedee.

Ian did to most of the cooking for a while. I was in heaven, he was being so good to me. He bought a lot of prepared stuff, but he was pretty handy in the kitchen. So I really was a full time feedee at that point. Eventually I got a little bored with that, and wanted back in the kitchen, I continued as a feedee, even though it was technically me who was feeding me, again!

After moving in with Ian it was hard for him to resist the barrage of food that I was preparing, the snacks that were constantly available for me. He had gained 60 lbs, but since he wasn’t trying too, we barely noticed! With the ‘damage’ done, he decided that he wanted in on the fun; he wanted to be a feedee too!

To be honest, I wasn’t very impressed with the idea at first. Was I jealous? Maybe. Was I hypocritical? You bet (or, as Ian called it… hippo-critical). But her persisted. He gained a further 40 pounds before the switch was thrown in my mind! He loved it, who was I to deny something he loved? And, the changes in his body WERE drastic, and I do so love change. It took some time, but I became a feeder again. And I also became an FFA.

As time wore on, and weight piled up, I eventually decided enough was enough, and I had to lose weight. Ian was still gaining, and enjoying it (as was I!), so I became a full time feeder!

So, that’s where I am now. I’m not a feedee. I’m a recovering foodee (or in normal person speak, I’m on a diet). I am a feeder, and I am an FFA.

As much as I eschew labelling myself, this was certainly an enjoyable exercise!

Ah, you’ve got to love ‘friend of a friend of a friend’ things sometimes.

A friend of Amy’s knows a company that is looking to hire a computer guy (or girl, I suppose). I don’t know all the details because, well, I don’t know them. But I’m going to get Ian to give them a call, send his resume et cetera. Maybe he’ll get a job here in London, how cool would that be?!

In other news Thomas and Amy seem to have hit something off. There was a bit of a connection when they first met, and since Thomas has come over a couple times to sample my cooking, they’ve gotten to talk a bit. It was never a set up, Thomas just really wanted to try my cooking! Maybe Amy likes Thomas because she gets to eat the good stuff when he comes for a visit, lol.

I think it’s good for Amy though, she’s been… waiting for her life to get back together. I didn’t want to push her, but you’ve got to be proactive on these things. Whatever happens with Thomas, I know it’s good for her!

She even laughed when he made a joke about how he’s not surprised she got fat eating my cooking. So, I think she likes him, because she’s normally pretty sensitive about that.

As for myself, I know I’ve lost some weight, I can feel it. I’ve been going for walks, the weather is great! There’s something here in London called Storybook Gardens. It’s having a grand reopening soon, I think that might be fun to check out, maybe Jeri and Amanda can come by to see it!

Ian seems to be losing weight too. I’m a little disappointed by that, I rather enjoyed visiting with him, and seeing that he had gotten just a bit bigger while I was gone. On the other hand, I get to help him regain the weight, so how can that be bad?

Sometimes I wish I could have parallel lives.

One life that is my ‘real life’, and then a backup lift (or two or three) where I can choose to do something stupid, and see where it goes. Even though the choice is stupid, and I know that it’s not good for me long term, I’d love to be able to enjoy the short term joy that it brings.

What brings on this introspection? Certainly nothing in specific, but a building of regrets. I know, I try not to live with regret. Whenever I have a choice, I’ll usually taking doing something over doing nothing. The real problems are choosing between two (or more) courses of action.

For example, I’ve chosen to lose weight instead of keeping my eating and lifestyle habits. It’s got it’s ups and downs. I miss eating like I used to. I miss cooking great meals, and looking forward to what I can concoct next. I miss the feelings I would get as I gained weight; the sensations of new flesh, new balance, a new world with every bite of food.

And yet, I’m looking forward to being a little more ‘normal’. Being able to go to any restaurant I want, or sitting comfortably at the movies, shopping at the mall instead of choosing between one or two stores.

I wish I could do both of those.

Or Thomas. I’ve been spending time with him, and it’s a lot of fun. I would rather spend time with Ian, of course, but I feel like I’m missing something. I’d like to know what I was missing. What if I would in fact be happier with Thomas in my life instead of Ian? How can I know?

And yet, if I were to pursue that, how do I know that I would have a better life with Thomas? I know what I’ve got with Ian, and I’m certain that it will lead to a good life, and I have no such guarantees with Thomas, is a week’s fun worth a lifetime of wishing I’d kept what I had?

And my job, what if I wanted to do something else, somewhere else? Will it have a future, would I enjoy it more? Would I have a job that suited my lifestyle, instead of a lifestyle that suits my job?

I know, the mystery of what all these decisions leads to is what makes life exciting. I love excitement, and without it, I’m not so sure that I’d be all that interested in life. But, what about a break?! One day, free of consequence, where I can do whatever I want, without the excitement.

What have I done?

I had told Thomas about my history of making people fat: Jeri, Ian, Myself and lastly Amy. He figured that my cooking must be pretty good to have such an effect on people. (To be fair, Jeri gained weight before I started on her, Ian gained a lot of weight on his own cooking, and Amy wasn’t a bean pole when I moved in!) So he wanted to have a taste himself.

I invited him over for dinner on Sunday night. I made my chicken fettuccini al fredo. He loved it, of course. Amy was excited to have it, since I haven’t made it since we were going ‘healthy’, except when Ian’s visiting.

We got to talking, and I mentioned Elizia Volkmann, the woman who gained weight for artistic purposes. He was blown away that someone would do that, and I told him about how gaining weight has changed my perception of the world, and that people who have never done it should never speak ill of it.

He said he hadn’t thought of it that way, as he’d always been naturally thin (sound familiar?)

I went out with Thomas last night.

I wanted to hear more about what he did when he was in England!

He did all the big museums, of course, but he said there are lots of great private collections that he got to see too. You only get to see them if you’re a friend of a friend, or on rare black tie galas for whatever. He said he kind of liked those better, because it was more intimate than a museum. He saw works that were truly breathtaking, and yet he wasn’t even aware of!

He did do some travelling in Europe, he said it was okay, but was often taken for an American, which doesn’t do you any favours in the current world climate.

All in all we had a fun night. I hope we can get together more often.

Ian’s now officially fat.

I’ll have to qualify that statement. First, yes, I’m still fat: 415 lbs. And, yes, Ian was indeed fat before the weekend.

But, he now weighs 460 pounds, which is equal to my all time highest weight, which makes him the biggest person I’ve ever known!

So, that’s a goal we’d been working on, and I’m glad to get it over with. Next: 600 pounds! (Ian wants to work on 500 first, where’s the boy’s ambition!?)

Anyway, beside stuffing Ian silly over the weekend it was Jeri’s birthday! She’s now 28 years old, so we’re the same age again, no more old jokes. (It’s okay, Ian’s older than me, so I’m forever young.)

For her birthday I bought her a couple of paintings for her living room. We found a local painter whose stuff I really liked, and Jeri agreed that it matched, so I feel good that we achieved that. I think she enjoyed going art shopping with me.

We also went to get bathing suits, well, one for her, we didn’t look for any for me. The one she wore last season just doesn’t fit her now. It was fun, it’s been a while since I went bathing suit shopping! I’d forgotten all about it. Trying them on, getting the one that showcases what you want, hides what you want, and is comfy. Well, hopefully comfy!