Tuesday, July 29, 2003

For Harry

Thanks for your comment. I do enjoy reminiscing about my weight gain. I know that seems weird to some, but then you can find someone who thinks EVERYTHING is weird. I just know there is somebody, somewhere who cringes with each and every breath he takes, his very core believing that drawing oxygen from the atmosphere is weird.

Um.

Anyway.

By far the weirdest part of gaining weight was back when I was starting out. I was learning how to cook, and I was learning to truly enjoy food. It was hard for me, I’d spent so long thinking of food as an enemy, something to be consumed to keep me going. I ate the bare minimum, and was happy with that. Up to that point, joy came from taking in art, going out with friends, having promiscuous sex. What could food possibly offer that I wasn’t getting from any of those things!?

I hate to think of myself as close minded. But what the hell was I thinking? I had never tried to enjoy food, so of course I never could. But Jeri was enjoying it so much that it got me curious. I tried different treats that she enjoyed. I tried to let the food ‘get to me’. At first it was… well weird. Just like anytime you eat a new cuisine it usually tastes odd, not bad or good. It’s not until you repeat it that you start to form a good opinion of it. I was like that with ALL food.

So, of course, it took a little time for me to really enjoy the food. It helped that when I was cooking I started seeing it as an art form, this time a coalescence of smells and flavours, instead of mixing of oil colour on canvas. With a new perspective, I really did start to enjoy eating.

Once my body was past the weirdness of spending time actually enjoying food, it began to crave it (I’ve never done anything in moderation. Why? Why not?). So very quickly I went from eating barely nothing to eating virtually everything. I wanted new tastes, new sensations, and I also wanted to repeatedly enjoy the ‘old’ tastes that I loved. It takes a lot of eating to get all that in.

What happens to a metabolism that is used to hoarding each precious calorie when it is suddenly inundated with vast amounts of food? It stores it as long missing fat! As my appetite grew, so did I.

That was weird. I’d never, ever been ‘fat’. I’d never been chubby, soft, voluptuous, anything. And within a few months, I was indeed starting to soften up. My clothes didn’t fit. My clothes had never not fit since I stopped growing!

At this point I was intellectually mortified. I was getting fat! I’d always hated fat people (obviously not any more), and to become fat!? Except, deep inside, I didn’t care. It was weird to have two parts of me with different feelings. Once I realised I didn’t care, then it was no big deal. And it was easy to not care. Jeri had gotten fat. And she looked GOOD fat. So, why wouldn’t I?

This was the turning point. This is when in my life I decided to try being fat. At that point ‘fat’ was 200 pounds. I figured that I’d gain 90 pounds and be HUGE, and then probably lose weight after that.

Seemed like a lot of weight at the time!

Story Teller

So I’ve been getting some feedback about my stories. Not much criticism, which is good, means I’m a good writer.

I’ve gotten some interesting feedback though. People wonder if the stories are based in reality, or just my imagination. The answer, of course, is both. The works are fiction, and not meant to indicate real people or events. However, that’s not to say that certain events I’ve witnessed don’t at least spark events in the story. And certainly the old adage ‘write what you know’ means that characters in the story have to do things that I’d do, or else it’s hard to know what they would do!

Because of my nature I’ve got several half written stories kicking around. I’ve decided to use this nature to my advantage, and I’ve decided to serialise one story, tentatively called Bastien and Georgia. I’ve already written four ‘chapters’ to this. I don’t plan on the episodes to be necessarily linear, and the overall picture will come out in bits and pieces. In some ways, I like this presentation, it’s more like a meal where the chef controls the pacing of the courses, using time as well as food to create a sensuous treat.

Now, I’m not a proud authour, mostly ‘cause I’m new at it! One thing I’m really having trouble with is names. If you’d like to see any specific names show up, that would help me out a lot. Until now I just look them up on baby name websites! Or if there’s anything you’d like to see written, an event, an outcome, a motive, I can give it a shot.

I am having fun with this, I love exploring new creative outlets, and since I’m not cooking much these days, nor really painting, this is it!

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

Well, I've done it

I’ve found a way to put my stories on the web.

Sure, I could ask Ian, he’s good at this sort of thing, but I wanted to do it myself.

Granted, the formatting is nothing special, and don’t expect to suddenly find the meaning of life after reading my stories. They’re just goofy little things I wrote to pass time. If you like them, let me know. If you don’t like them, let me know! If there’s anything I can change, then tell me, and I’ll make the story better. Otherwise, if you read the story and say nothing, you’re just acknowledging that I’m perfect.

I have yet to revisit the stories myself. There might be all kinds of typos or bizarre continuity errors, name changes and the like. I assume I’ll reread them at some point!

Anyway, they’re hiding on the menu thingy to the left. Or here.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003

Still not much news!

By far the worst part about being fat is the toll it can take on your body. Your knees ache, your back hurts you get winded easily. Granted, this applies to different people at different weights. But for me, these were a few of my biggest complaints, especially when I was waddling around at 460.

Now that I’m more active, I wonder if it was so much the weight, or just the lack of activity. My knees are doing better, and my stamina is way up. My back still hurts if I’m not careful, but I’m getting to know what sets it off and what doesn’t. An ounce of prevention is worth a hour of physiotherapy.

I know that I have fans of this diary who aren’t too keen on me writing about losing weight. If that’s you, then leave a comment; tell me what you want to hear about! I don’t have much going on, so I’m more than happy to reminisce something specific for you.

Or alternatively, I’m trying my hand at short stories. I’m thinking about putting them online somewhere, but if you’d like to read one, email me, I’ll send one to you. But you have to criticise it. I’m just starting out, I need to know what works and what doesn’t.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

Not much news.

There’s not much excitement going on in my life. Where’s the fun in that?

Ian’s work situation continues to be in flux. He’s happy to have a good job, but upset that without forward progress, WE can’t make forward progress. Maybe I just need to go home to Toronto more often to spice things up.

What else can I complain about?

Well, I’m still eating well. It’s not a huge deal. Thomas spends a lot of time here, and he loves my cooking. But cooking for him and Amy isn’t the same as cooking for Ian. It’s fun, but it’s only half the enjoyment.

I’ve tried getting out my paints, but I’m just not inspired. I’ve done enough morose paintings, I don’t need to start any more!

I’ve been writing silly little stories, and… I’m kinda having fun with that. I don’t know what I’ll do with them. Something. Nothing. I don’t know.

To top it all off, I’ve been thinking about an old ‘friend’. I won’t mention her here, out of respect for her privacy. I’d love to see what she’s done in the last few years, and I’m really curious to know what she thinks about what I’ve done these last few years…

Ah well.

Thursday, July 10, 2003

I’m on a bit of a new kick.

I’ve been typing out stories at the computer when I’m bored at work.

I’m not sure what I’ll do with them, they’re really short, right now. But too long to post here.

What are they about? So far the only one I’ve ‘finished’ is about a girl moving in with a guy and making him fat. Hey, they say ‘write what you know’, don’t they?

*grin*

I haven’t reread it yet. I wonder if I’d like it if I did.

Monday, July 07, 2003

London’s a pretty good place!

This weekend they had something called ‘Sunfest’. London doesn’t have tonnes to do, but they’ve actually got some good stuff. Sunfest was just a bunch of tents with people selling stuff from around the world; Guatemalan food, Caribbean dresses etc. It was kinda fun, just walking around, seeing what there was.

There was also some music from different places. Mostly drums, and it’s sometimes hard to tell where it’s from, cultures sometimes end up with the same sound, despite being 1000s of miles apart. Ah well.

I’m getting better about being on my feet for a long while. At the store I’m not always sitting, that stool just ain’t made for my butt. Plus I’m walking more, trying to do it in the evenings when the heat isn’t quite so oppressive. If I plan my route right, I get to stay in the shade most of the time. It helps that there’s less of me to carry about! Someday I’ll graduate to jogging, then maybe even running!

On the gossip side of things, Amy seems to be very happy with Thomas, and I think he finds her very intriguing. I get the feeling that she’s not like anyone he’s ever dated, and I KNOW that he’s not like anyone Amy’s ever dated. It could work out, same sort of think Ian and I have. Except they weigh much less than we do…

Thursday, July 03, 2003

Ah Canada Day

Gotta love a day off in the summer!

I know I’ll enjoy them more when I don’t sweat like a hog though.

But let’s back up a day. Monday night Ian and I went out with an ex-girlfriend of his, and her boyfriend. Jamie is a fitness freak who has recently discovered (through Ian) the beauty found in an overweight man.

She was actually very nice to meet. It’s been a while since I got to meet a boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, and certainly the relationships were of much less serious natures than the ones we’re in now. But there wasn’t much to worry about. Jamie was nice, and she’s certainly infatuated with her guy (Ryan), so there wasn’t much in the way of bad vibes at the table.

Ryan’s a great guy too. Smart and funny, he’s in sales, and I see why. I’d buy stuff from him! He’s a big guy, about 300 pounds I figure, so not in the league of Ian or myself. I do get the impression that Jamie is looking to get him into Ian’s size range though. I’m not sure he’s ready for that, he seemed a little overwhelmed meeting me and Ian. I do hope they find something that works for them though! I’d certainly like to spend more time with them.

Maybe Jamie can give me some fitness pointers!

Actually, I guess Jamie’s sister is a personal trainer, maybe I’ll look her up if I move back to Toronto.

Canada day was pretty good. I gave Ian another big breakfast, and we had a leisurely morning before spending the afternoon at the park with Jeri, James and Amanda. Amanda was splashing in the pool, Jeri was wearing a bikini. Damn she looks good in that! A lot of people were giving her looks, I guess she might be a little… chubby… for people to accept her like that, but that’s okay. I think she looked hot. And James certainly did too, and that’s what’s most important.

Amy seems to have had quite a good time with Thomas while I was gone. They got to have the run of the apartment without me getting in the way! They did order out a lot, but I don’t blame them. Sometimes it’s nice to just indulge.

I think Thomas is a genuine FA, and might be trying to get Amy to gain weight. I’m not sure if she will or not. It’s hard to get a read on her that way.

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