Friday, August 30, 2002
Friday Five
I copied the questions from another blog: The World According to Andi
Originally from: http://smattering.org/
1) Favourite Piece of Clothing that I currently Own
Hmmm… it’s the 8X pyjama pants I bought in Buffalo. They’re HUGE, but they’re so comfy, I love to wear them when I’m home.
2) What piece of clothing do I most want to acquire?
Blue jeans! I haven’t worn any in over a year.
3) What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?
My old jeans… they’re size 26, but they’re the last pair I’ve ever worn. I refuse to not own jeans!
4) What piece of clothing do you look your best in?
I ordered a bikini online earlier in the summer. I know a lot of people didn’t care for it, but I loved it! Gotta flaunt it, right?
5) What is your biggest fashion accident?
Wearing Green. It offsets my hair, but at this size, it’s just TOO MUCH green.
I copied the questions from another blog: The World According to Andi
Originally from: http://smattering.org/
1) Favourite Piece of Clothing that I currently Own
Hmmm… it’s the 8X pyjama pants I bought in Buffalo. They’re HUGE, but they’re so comfy, I love to wear them when I’m home.
2) What piece of clothing do I most want to acquire?
Blue jeans! I haven’t worn any in over a year.
3) What piece of clothing can you not bring yourself to get rid of? Why?
My old jeans… they’re size 26, but they’re the last pair I’ve ever worn. I refuse to not own jeans!
4) What piece of clothing do you look your best in?
I ordered a bikini online earlier in the summer. I know a lot of people didn’t care for it, but I loved it! Gotta flaunt it, right?
5) What is your biggest fashion accident?
Wearing Green. It offsets my hair, but at this size, it’s just TOO MUCH green.
I’m going to do it.
I’m going to update my resume this weekend and start looking for a new job. I need different challenges, and a pay raise certainly wouldn’t hurt!
I don’t know exactly what I want to do. I’d love to break into museum work, but all the places I’ve wanted to go, I couldn’t stand the people I’d have to work with! I’m just not good at working with people I can’t get along with.
Maybe I can become a full time mural artist. Do they even exist? Maybe I can do that parttime, and find something else to do parttime. Maybe I’ll go to work at a plus size shop. I could use the discount! But I’d rather not be on my feet all day.
I’d like to become a cook or chef, but I think they like people with formal training to do that stuff, and I don’t have that.
I’ll also try looking up old friends, see what they’re upto, if they know anyone hiring for anything. Any change of pace would be nice. I’m just getting sick of doing office work. I can work in an office, but it can’t be standard bureaucratic crap like I’ve been doing.
Not that I don’t like the people I work with here. Or the pay, it’s not bad. But there isn’t much of a future, I can’t sell cars. Or maybe I can. I’ll ask about that too.
Maybe I could become a mechanic in the shop, wouldn’t THAT be funny? I doubt it, I’ve never done anything mechanical. But how hard can it be to learn?
It would be fun to work with Jeri, she’s always working with different people at different places, but she’s a computer geek, and I have none of those skills. Still, maybe there’s something I could do for them. Her company is doing way good business. Maybe they need someone to decorate the offices they setup!
Oh well. Should be fun. It’s been a while since I was actively looking for work, my last few jobs were either from agencies, or I was contacted by previous employers!
I’m going to update my resume this weekend and start looking for a new job. I need different challenges, and a pay raise certainly wouldn’t hurt!
I don’t know exactly what I want to do. I’d love to break into museum work, but all the places I’ve wanted to go, I couldn’t stand the people I’d have to work with! I’m just not good at working with people I can’t get along with.
Maybe I can become a full time mural artist. Do they even exist? Maybe I can do that parttime, and find something else to do parttime. Maybe I’ll go to work at a plus size shop. I could use the discount! But I’d rather not be on my feet all day.
I’d like to become a cook or chef, but I think they like people with formal training to do that stuff, and I don’t have that.
I’ll also try looking up old friends, see what they’re upto, if they know anyone hiring for anything. Any change of pace would be nice. I’m just getting sick of doing office work. I can work in an office, but it can’t be standard bureaucratic crap like I’ve been doing.
Not that I don’t like the people I work with here. Or the pay, it’s not bad. But there isn’t much of a future, I can’t sell cars. Or maybe I can. I’ll ask about that too.
Maybe I could become a mechanic in the shop, wouldn’t THAT be funny? I doubt it, I’ve never done anything mechanical. But how hard can it be to learn?
It would be fun to work with Jeri, she’s always working with different people at different places, but she’s a computer geek, and I have none of those skills. Still, maybe there’s something I could do for them. Her company is doing way good business. Maybe they need someone to decorate the offices they setup!
Oh well. Should be fun. It’s been a while since I was actively looking for work, my last few jobs were either from agencies, or I was contacted by previous employers!
Thursday, August 29, 2002
Not much has changed in a week.
I’m just looking back at my last post. Still feel that way. Need to shake things up, but no idea how.
Maybe I’ll start applying for new jobs.
I guess that never hurts.
I have no idea what kind of job I want now. I’m sure I’ll find something.
It’s not that I hate working here. Quite the opposite… hmm, not opposite. I’m just ambivalent about working here. I like the guys I work with. But the challenge isn’t there anymore. Besides, I know the owner would like to put someone a wee bit slimmer at the front desk. He’s been polite about it (the last few months anyway), but I know what he wants. I ALSO know that it has like zero affect on his business, as a matter of fact, I think business is better the bigger I get.
Of course, that’s just my gut feeling, but how can you argue with such a huge gut?
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jeri and Amanda, getting their place sorted out just so. Jeri’s sweet, but she has no idea how to set things up. Of course James is a guy, so he could care less! Amanda likes spending the time with me, and she loves to imitate the way I look around to get things ‘just so’. Of course, she ends up making a mess, but it’s still cute.
Ian’s still great to me. I’ve never known a guy this long and never had any problems. Well, we have had problems, of course, but obviously nothing to break us up. I wonder if that means my standards have lowered, or, more likely, I’ve found someone with whom I have a mutual balance… I can stand him more than I can’t stand him, and he with me!
We don’t argue as much as we used to. I do kind of miss that, nothing let getting your passions inflamed to get your passions inflamed. Maybe I’ll pick a fight with him tonight. I’ll tell him that 412 pounds is too fat, I loved him much more at… oh… 393. I wonder if he’d lose weight now if I asked him to? I wonder if I’d like him more or less if he did?
Maybe I’ll try to lose some weight again. It’s funny, I don’t really mind that I’ve hit 450 again. I don’t know what’s changed since last time. Of course, Ian is bigger than last time, there’s little difference between us now. Jeri has been gaining weight. That might be it. I never really resented her losing weight, I enjoyed the prospect of being bigger. But maybe at some level I did. We spent a long time as thin friends, I was always proud to be slimmer than her, so now that she’s slim and I’m not, it must eat away at my inner child or something. Now that she’s gaining weight, it’s okay for me to be big again.
Or maybe it’s just the weather. The evenings have been so nice, just driving home from Jeri’s is calming.
James bar-b-cues a lot. I’m sure that’s why Jeri is gaining weight (probably me too). I know he actually preferred Jeri when she was ‘full sized’. But they’re so much in love that he doesn’t really care how she looks, and he knows that she longs to be her former fit self.
I don’t know for sure if Ian would accept me at 110 pounds or not. I’m not sure it’s important to know that. Of course, since it’s not an issue that will come any time soon, I don’t have to worry about it.
I’ve been thinking about Joanne a lot lately. I haven’t seen her in years. I wonder how she’s doing. I wonder how she looks. I really wonder what she’d think of me now! I would guess she’s gained a little more weight. I can easily see her at 250 pounds, maybe even 300. She never liked her weight, but she never did anything about it either. She might have found someone who did like her size, or someone like Ian who wanted to see her bigger. God, imagine if she was over 400 pounds like me? She’d absolutely dwarf me! Wouldn’t that be something? Two 400+ redheads? One 5’10”, the other 6’3”? I’ve looked for her online, but her name is way too common. Maybe I should toss in the word ‘fat’. I could get lucky!
I’m just looking back at my last post. Still feel that way. Need to shake things up, but no idea how.
Maybe I’ll start applying for new jobs.
I guess that never hurts.
I have no idea what kind of job I want now. I’m sure I’ll find something.
It’s not that I hate working here. Quite the opposite… hmm, not opposite. I’m just ambivalent about working here. I like the guys I work with. But the challenge isn’t there anymore. Besides, I know the owner would like to put someone a wee bit slimmer at the front desk. He’s been polite about it (the last few months anyway), but I know what he wants. I ALSO know that it has like zero affect on his business, as a matter of fact, I think business is better the bigger I get.
Of course, that’s just my gut feeling, but how can you argue with such a huge gut?
I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jeri and Amanda, getting their place sorted out just so. Jeri’s sweet, but she has no idea how to set things up. Of course James is a guy, so he could care less! Amanda likes spending the time with me, and she loves to imitate the way I look around to get things ‘just so’. Of course, she ends up making a mess, but it’s still cute.
Ian’s still great to me. I’ve never known a guy this long and never had any problems. Well, we have had problems, of course, but obviously nothing to break us up. I wonder if that means my standards have lowered, or, more likely, I’ve found someone with whom I have a mutual balance… I can stand him more than I can’t stand him, and he with me!
We don’t argue as much as we used to. I do kind of miss that, nothing let getting your passions inflamed to get your passions inflamed. Maybe I’ll pick a fight with him tonight. I’ll tell him that 412 pounds is too fat, I loved him much more at… oh… 393. I wonder if he’d lose weight now if I asked him to? I wonder if I’d like him more or less if he did?
Maybe I’ll try to lose some weight again. It’s funny, I don’t really mind that I’ve hit 450 again. I don’t know what’s changed since last time. Of course, Ian is bigger than last time, there’s little difference between us now. Jeri has been gaining weight. That might be it. I never really resented her losing weight, I enjoyed the prospect of being bigger. But maybe at some level I did. We spent a long time as thin friends, I was always proud to be slimmer than her, so now that she’s slim and I’m not, it must eat away at my inner child or something. Now that she’s gaining weight, it’s okay for me to be big again.
Or maybe it’s just the weather. The evenings have been so nice, just driving home from Jeri’s is calming.
James bar-b-cues a lot. I’m sure that’s why Jeri is gaining weight (probably me too). I know he actually preferred Jeri when she was ‘full sized’. But they’re so much in love that he doesn’t really care how she looks, and he knows that she longs to be her former fit self.
I don’t know for sure if Ian would accept me at 110 pounds or not. I’m not sure it’s important to know that. Of course, since it’s not an issue that will come any time soon, I don’t have to worry about it.
I’ve been thinking about Joanne a lot lately. I haven’t seen her in years. I wonder how she’s doing. I wonder how she looks. I really wonder what she’d think of me now! I would guess she’s gained a little more weight. I can easily see her at 250 pounds, maybe even 300. She never liked her weight, but she never did anything about it either. She might have found someone who did like her size, or someone like Ian who wanted to see her bigger. God, imagine if she was over 400 pounds like me? She’d absolutely dwarf me! Wouldn’t that be something? Two 400+ redheads? One 5’10”, the other 6’3”? I’ve looked for her online, but her name is way too common. Maybe I should toss in the word ‘fat’. I could get lucky!
Thursday, August 22, 2002
I’m feeling like
... that guy from Office Space. I don’t know his name, or even the actor’s name. But he’s the one that got halfway hypnotised, so he just sort of stopped caring.
Right now I’m just letting life go by, not really too interested in work, not really too interested in home. Not too interested in anything really. I know the weather is part of it. I know that work isn’t exactly challenging for me.
I know that going on vacation really let me clear a lot of junk out of my mind. I was expecting to find something interesting behind that junk.
I didn’t.
I need to shake something up, but no idea what right now. Maybe it’s enough to know that I need to shake something up.
... that guy from Office Space. I don’t know his name, or even the actor’s name. But he’s the one that got halfway hypnotised, so he just sort of stopped caring.
Right now I’m just letting life go by, not really too interested in work, not really too interested in home. Not too interested in anything really. I know the weather is part of it. I know that work isn’t exactly challenging for me.
I know that going on vacation really let me clear a lot of junk out of my mind. I was expecting to find something interesting behind that junk.
I didn’t.
I need to shake something up, but no idea what right now. Maybe it’s enough to know that I need to shake something up.
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
We did our weekly weigh ins today.
This is the first weekly weigh in where I actually gained more than Ian!
I’m so excited! Well, I’m not, and I am. I think it’s funny that I’ve beaten Ian at his own game. But I’m really close to breaking 450. Again.
Not like it’s a huge difference between 440 and 450, but it’s when I start drifting to 460… 470 that I have to start worrying again. I guess I’m just getting ahead of myself. It’s just a number, it’s not how I feel.
I also took a little solace when Jeri told me that she’s back upto 180. I shouldn’t be happy when friends gain weight, and I’m not. I’m happy that I’m not alone. Of course, 180 isn’t really all that big, but she’s been gaining all month, undoing a lot of hard work she’d done over the last year. I’m still more than twice her size, which still gives me a little chill.
Jeri’s always been my benchmark when it comes to weight. In school I was always thinner than her, and when I started gaining, all I wanted to do was be bigger than her. Once I’d gotten that, I wanted to be twice her size. Now that I have that… not many goals left.
I really do need to shift my goals to include Ian. I know he wants to be bigger than I am. I want him to be bigger than me too. I’d love for him to be twice my size, but I don’t think having him be 900 pounds is exactly what I have in mind. I’d LOVE to be 110 again, I think it would be so cool if Ian was 4 times my weight! (Yeah, he’s got a few pounds to go, but I think he’d love that idea too.) But it’s not something that really sticks in my mind.
This is the first weekly weigh in where I actually gained more than Ian!
I’m so excited! Well, I’m not, and I am. I think it’s funny that I’ve beaten Ian at his own game. But I’m really close to breaking 450. Again.
Not like it’s a huge difference between 440 and 450, but it’s when I start drifting to 460… 470 that I have to start worrying again. I guess I’m just getting ahead of myself. It’s just a number, it’s not how I feel.
I also took a little solace when Jeri told me that she’s back upto 180. I shouldn’t be happy when friends gain weight, and I’m not. I’m happy that I’m not alone. Of course, 180 isn’t really all that big, but she’s been gaining all month, undoing a lot of hard work she’d done over the last year. I’m still more than twice her size, which still gives me a little chill.
Jeri’s always been my benchmark when it comes to weight. In school I was always thinner than her, and when I started gaining, all I wanted to do was be bigger than her. Once I’d gotten that, I wanted to be twice her size. Now that I have that… not many goals left.
I really do need to shift my goals to include Ian. I know he wants to be bigger than I am. I want him to be bigger than me too. I’d love for him to be twice my size, but I don’t think having him be 900 pounds is exactly what I have in mind. I’d LOVE to be 110 again, I think it would be so cool if Ian was 4 times my weight! (Yeah, he’s got a few pounds to go, but I think he’d love that idea too.) But it’s not something that really sticks in my mind.
Monday, August 19, 2002
A nice quiet weekend.
We didn’t get up to too much excitement over the weekend. We stayed in, watched a few movies, did some chores that needed doing.
Saturday I looked after Amanda while Jeri played soccer. We did finger painting. We made a whole farmyard of animals, including unicorns, who were the queens of the farm.
Sunday I did a little shopping, I need to round out my wardrobe a little bit. I tried to drag Ian with me, but he was watching racing on TV.
Sunday evening we had BBQ with Ian’s family. That’s always nice, just getting together with family like that. He’s not close with his family, but they’re not strangers either. There’s just a mutual respect, and a knowledge that they’re there if they need it, though the seldom do. In some ways it’s nice that you aren’t expected to do family things.
We didn’t get up to too much excitement over the weekend. We stayed in, watched a few movies, did some chores that needed doing.
Saturday I looked after Amanda while Jeri played soccer. We did finger painting. We made a whole farmyard of animals, including unicorns, who were the queens of the farm.
Sunday I did a little shopping, I need to round out my wardrobe a little bit. I tried to drag Ian with me, but he was watching racing on TV.
Sunday evening we had BBQ with Ian’s family. That’s always nice, just getting together with family like that. He’s not close with his family, but they’re not strangers either. There’s just a mutual respect, and a knowledge that they’re there if they need it, though the seldom do. In some ways it’s nice that you aren’t expected to do family things.
Friday, August 16, 2002
The Muse
I'm not really one for doing online polls, or publishing them here. But I'm hot, I'm tired, I found this at another journal I was perusing. I really liked the results, so here it is:
You are a muse.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
I'm not really one for doing online polls, or publishing them here. But I'm hot, I'm tired, I found this at another journal I was perusing. I really liked the results, so here it is:
You are a muse.
What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox
Thursday, August 15, 2002
Nazism = Cubism?
Okay, I understand that in the art world, there are a lot of people who are out there. Who's creative impulses necessarily remove them from societal norms of behaviour and perception of the world.
But this makes me sick. I’d hate to think I have ANYTHING in common with these people. They have put together a collection of Hitler’s artwork (yes, WW2 insane dictator Adolph Hitler). Okay, that’s fine, art is art I suppose.
But they go further, hypothesising how his art influenced his life, and what secret workings of his mind might be revealed by studying his art.
Okay, I guess that’s one way to go. It’s important to understand where such evil can arise.
But they’ve concluded that his efforts were simply for artistic effort.
That’s right. He released a scourge on civilisation, he massacred millions of people, all to satisfy his artistic aesthetic.
Art is a hard concept to pin down, to explain in exhaustive detail. There are lots of things that are art to a small group, or even individuals that are nothing to other people. A filing cabinet can be art to a bureaucrat. A pipeweld can be art to a plumber. Making that final stride in a race can be art to an athlete. Creating an elaborate ceremony to appease a bloodthirsty god, as despicable and misguided as it may be, can be art to the masons who build the altar.
Killing people is not art.
Destroying civilisation is not art.
Okay, I understand that in the art world, there are a lot of people who are out there. Who's creative impulses necessarily remove them from societal norms of behaviour and perception of the world.
But this makes me sick. I’d hate to think I have ANYTHING in common with these people. They have put together a collection of Hitler’s artwork (yes, WW2 insane dictator Adolph Hitler). Okay, that’s fine, art is art I suppose.
But they go further, hypothesising how his art influenced his life, and what secret workings of his mind might be revealed by studying his art.
Okay, I guess that’s one way to go. It’s important to understand where such evil can arise.
But they’ve concluded that his efforts were simply for artistic effort.
That’s right. He released a scourge on civilisation, he massacred millions of people, all to satisfy his artistic aesthetic.
Art is a hard concept to pin down, to explain in exhaustive detail. There are lots of things that are art to a small group, or even individuals that are nothing to other people. A filing cabinet can be art to a bureaucrat. A pipeweld can be art to a plumber. Making that final stride in a race can be art to an athlete. Creating an elaborate ceremony to appease a bloodthirsty god, as despicable and misguided as it may be, can be art to the masons who build the altar.
Killing people is not art.
Destroying civilisation is not art.
Monday, August 12, 2002
What a difference a week makes!
I just reread my last entry, if that wasn’t a woman who needed a vacation, then I don’t know who is!
Fortunately, I have had my vacation. It’s the first time I’ve taken a week off to just do nothing.
Well, not nothing, but still, it’s my first real vacation in forever.
What Ian and I did was go up to a cottage of one of his friends from school. Well, his parents cottage. Very nice. His dad is a civil engineer, so I guess the cottage sort of HAS to be very nice, right?
It’s been a while since I went swimming in a lake, sat on a raft, just took my time. I liked it. I liked it a lot! I missed out on the waterskiing though. That’s the first time that my fat has REALLY gotten in the way in a way that bothered me. On the other hand, once the others were skiing (not Ian, of course), I wasn’t really missing it either.
It’s nice to walk around in a wooded area. It was nice driving into a nice little town. Ian loved driving the back/country roads, and I can see why.
Ian missed having his computer. I guess I sort of missed it, but only for fleeting moments, never a burning desire to get online or anything. We talked a lot, I read a lot. Nothing major in terms of books, just some old ones lying around at the cottage.
Of course, we drank a lot! That was fun, haven’t done that in a while. Felt 18 again!
We swam a lot. It’s funny, I hadn’t noticed, but I haven’t actually swam much since getting fat. My bathing suit was a size 22, I can’t even remember what I bought it for, or if I ever wore it! I bought a bikini from the internet though, I loved it, and Ian loved it too! His friends weren’t as appreciative, but screw them, I was happy. Being in the water is a much different experience at this size than it was when I was skinny. I float, a lot more easily. There is a lot more resistance in the water. It was fun, I liked it, a lot. I want to go swimming a lot more now. Maybe I can go with Amanda to a pool somewhere. Hmmm, maybe I can see Jeri in a bikini! Doubt she’ll do that until she sheds a few more pounds though.
Ahem.
Ian looked great in his ‘swimming trunks’ (he liked the elephantine connotation of ‘trunks’). His stomach is massive, and watching it hang out basically all week was a special treat. I had no idea he could look so poetic.
It was fun for the two of us to lie on the raft. It’s meant for a few people, but it’s almost completely underwater with just us on it, lol.
I enjoyed squeezing myself into Adirondack chairs. I enjoyed needing two guys to help me up. I enjoyed watching Ian needing two guys to help him up. I enjoyed the girls (many of whom I’ve never met) eyeing me in my bikini as they tried to cover up the 10 pounds they’d gained since they last saw each other. The fattest of the bunch must’ve been maybe 180, though she had 3 kids.
Ian and I had time to talk about life. What we want to do, where we want to go. As with the weight thing, I think we’ve decided to just let go. We’re not going to gain on purpose, we’re not going to lose on purpose.
I’m very happy with myself right now. Inside, outside, physically, mentally, spiritually. I’m completely relaxed, satisfied and just gonna be Charlotte.
I just reread my last entry, if that wasn’t a woman who needed a vacation, then I don’t know who is!
Fortunately, I have had my vacation. It’s the first time I’ve taken a week off to just do nothing.
Well, not nothing, but still, it’s my first real vacation in forever.
What Ian and I did was go up to a cottage of one of his friends from school. Well, his parents cottage. Very nice. His dad is a civil engineer, so I guess the cottage sort of HAS to be very nice, right?
It’s been a while since I went swimming in a lake, sat on a raft, just took my time. I liked it. I liked it a lot! I missed out on the waterskiing though. That’s the first time that my fat has REALLY gotten in the way in a way that bothered me. On the other hand, once the others were skiing (not Ian, of course), I wasn’t really missing it either.
It’s nice to walk around in a wooded area. It was nice driving into a nice little town. Ian loved driving the back/country roads, and I can see why.
Ian missed having his computer. I guess I sort of missed it, but only for fleeting moments, never a burning desire to get online or anything. We talked a lot, I read a lot. Nothing major in terms of books, just some old ones lying around at the cottage.
Of course, we drank a lot! That was fun, haven’t done that in a while. Felt 18 again!
We swam a lot. It’s funny, I hadn’t noticed, but I haven’t actually swam much since getting fat. My bathing suit was a size 22, I can’t even remember what I bought it for, or if I ever wore it! I bought a bikini from the internet though, I loved it, and Ian loved it too! His friends weren’t as appreciative, but screw them, I was happy. Being in the water is a much different experience at this size than it was when I was skinny. I float, a lot more easily. There is a lot more resistance in the water. It was fun, I liked it, a lot. I want to go swimming a lot more now. Maybe I can go with Amanda to a pool somewhere. Hmmm, maybe I can see Jeri in a bikini! Doubt she’ll do that until she sheds a few more pounds though.
Ahem.
Ian looked great in his ‘swimming trunks’ (he liked the elephantine connotation of ‘trunks’). His stomach is massive, and watching it hang out basically all week was a special treat. I had no idea he could look so poetic.
It was fun for the two of us to lie on the raft. It’s meant for a few people, but it’s almost completely underwater with just us on it, lol.
I enjoyed squeezing myself into Adirondack chairs. I enjoyed needing two guys to help me up. I enjoyed watching Ian needing two guys to help him up. I enjoyed the girls (many of whom I’ve never met) eyeing me in my bikini as they tried to cover up the 10 pounds they’d gained since they last saw each other. The fattest of the bunch must’ve been maybe 180, though she had 3 kids.
Ian and I had time to talk about life. What we want to do, where we want to go. As with the weight thing, I think we’ve decided to just let go. We’re not going to gain on purpose, we’re not going to lose on purpose.
I’m very happy with myself right now. Inside, outside, physically, mentally, spiritually. I’m completely relaxed, satisfied and just gonna be Charlotte.
