Monday, October 24, 2005

Waiting

The nursery is ready.

I’m ready.

I don’t know if Ian will ever be ready, but he’s got an SUV, that’s all we can ask of him.

So now we wait.

One thing I want to put in, before I forget: I’ve been trying to update, I really have. It’s not that I don’t have the time, I have nothing BUT time. Instead, I have lucidity in short supply. In other words: I can’t stand what I write, so I delete it rather than post it. I’ve always said I’d never do that, but I wasn’t pregnant when I said that, so it doesn’t count. I fully embrace the fact that I’m insane right now, and completely unaccountable for my actions, including any and all hypocrisy.

The last month of our lives has been pretty straight forward. Ian does everything, I do nothing. I’m at the point in my pregnancy where I have no energy, no drive, and am quite happy to let the world happen without me. Luckily, Ian’s adapted quite well to being responsible. Even luckier, he seems to have accomplished it without sacrificing his weight gain. He’s up to 580 pounds, and carrying it quite well.

My own weight is highly classified. Even writing this, I can see the absurdity of it. I’m not 460 pounds, which I’m happy about. My ‘official weight’ (that is, if anyone asks) is 330 pounds, but, I’m certainly more than that. Even though I’ve lived a life where I’ve never wanted to hide the number, for some reason, I want to hide the number. It’s more than I want, and simply acknowledging that is a personal failure.

Anyone who’s never been pregnant won’t understand why that makes sense to me.

Anyone who has been pregnant, well, hopefully you remember what it’s like to see a world where the sky is green and grass is purple. Hopefully I’ll remember. Or else this won’t even make sense to me.

It’s not that I even hate that I’m fat. I love it. I missed it so much, it’s like I’m on a holiday where I get to be big and fat one last time. I envy Ian his mass. I want to spend a day in his shoes to experience that beautiful body he’s achieved.

Until then, I satisfy myself knowing that I can do more, but am happy to realise that I’ve realised I don’t have to do more.

I’m happy.

I may well be happier than I’ve ever been in my entire life.

I’m ready to do this again.

I really am.

Until then… I wait.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

In Command

Big Thanksgiving dinners are always a collaborative effort, people are given tasks to carry out, responsibilities are assigned, and hopefully everything comes together. In the past I've been a foot soldier, or perhaps a bit of a commando, told to bring something. I've also run my own kitchen, asking people to bring things. This year was my first time running the dinner with genuine subordinates.

I loved it.

Everything came out just how I had hoped it would. Everyone listened, everyone got along, there was no shouting, no messes, and no complaints.

I loved it!

The hardest part about this year was calculating how much food we'd prepare. I've got a good feel for how much Ian eats. I'm not quite as expert on my own appetite or Amy's, but I can ballpark us pretty good. Feeding skinny people is pretty easy, even on Thanksgiving. The biggest question mark is Michel's boyfriend Alex. I know he can eat, but I don't know his tastes or pacing very well. In the end, we were pretty close to spot on, over preparing only by a serving or two. Michelle couldn't believe how much food we had, but by the end of the night, she was a believer.

Tommy had made up a pumpkin cheesecake, and this was our only miscalculation: it was a big hit, and everyone wanted more.

The best reward to a well prepared meal is getting to watch people enjoy it. I've managed to find myself a very appreciative audience for my meal. Ian and Amy are the ones who I know best, so the meal was definitely skewed towards them. Alex ate as much as they did though, so I know that I'd put together something he enjoyed. All the skinny people ate what I expected them too, and they all enjoyed it as much as anyone else. I do think Ian enjoyed it the most, but maybe I just respond to him better than anyone else who was there.

Now, as much as I enjoy watching people enjoy their meal, to someone with my sensibilities, I'm also interested in how much they've eaten. I'm ALSO interested in the effects of their meal. Without a doubt, Alex had the biggest effect. Watching him get off the couch when it was time to head out was comical, in fact, he reminded me of me getting up! He's not as used to the weight as Ian and Amy, so I'm sure that's part of it. Amy and Ian both have developed techniques for getting up that work for them. I suppose Alex will learn.

With that in mind, I think Amy's parting waddle was quite nice to watch. I could see she was trying to keep her steps small so as to keep her body's movement as small as possible. It took her a while to get out the elevator, it was very cute.

My final reward for the night was snuggling up with Ian in bed. He always looks so happy after a great meal (I try to make him as happy as good wife cane). I love how he looks now more than ever, fat just has a beauty all its own. In some ways, Ian's fat controls him more than he controls it. It dictates how he lives his life, how he walks, where he goes, what he wears. It moves with a rhythm of its own. In bed, it takes over as well.

He's been so good. He really deserves to reach 600 pounds. I hope we can make it happen.

Friday, October 07, 2005

The Feedee Quiz

I've gotten in touch with a few other blogging newbies about my feedee quiz. I figured this was a good time to revisit it myself:

-- Some History --

1. At what age can you remember having your first fat fantasy?
23

2. Who was the first fat person you admired/envied?
They have formally requested not to be named. If you know me, then you know.

3. As a kid did you ever tell anyone you wanted to be fat or pad while playing?
Never.

4. At what age do you first remember overeating to intentionally get fatter?
24

5. Did you have any fat friends as a kid?
Nope

6. Where you a fat kid?
No

7. What is the heaviest you weighed before the age of 18?
112 pounds

8. What is the heaviest you have weighed after the age of 18?
460 pounds


-- Relations --

9. Have you ever dated a Fat Admirer?
Oh yes!

10. Have you ever dated an Feeder?
Most definately

11. Have you ever been fed?
And how!

12. Would you rather be hand fed or encouraged to eat in other ways?
Food should be enticing. Food should invite you to eat it, it should speak to you, call to you, fulfill you. There is little in life that appeals to more senses than food. If you need any more encouragement than that, then I feel sorry for you.

13. Is gaining a sexual "thing" for you?
Gaining is an incredible experience that has many many facets. Yes, sexual experiences are a good reason to gain.

15. Are you strictly a Feedee or do you have Feeder tendencies also?
I'm actually more feeder than feedee. In some senses, I've been my own feeder ;-) I love the changes wrought on my body when I gain, but as a feeder I've brought changes to the bodies of other people, it feels good to have that effect, in some cases control, on other people's lives.

16. Is it important to you that your partner know about your desires and goals in regards to weight gain?
It is vitally important that my partner knows all my desires and goals. What's the point in having a partner if they're not there with you?

17. Would you date another Feedee?
Besides the one I'm married to? That's not such a good idea...

-- Right now --

18. What do you weigh today?
352 pounds

19. What would you like to weigh?
280 pounds

20. If possible, would you just fatten a certain part of yourself? What part?
well, since I've got a huge preggo belly, we'll rule that out. Maybe something weird, like superfat feet. I doubt I'd enjoy that, but it would be interesting. Or getting a huge ass like Amy has. Yeah, she seems to be dealing with it well, I'd probably like that.

21. Are you more into the gaining, the eating, or both equally?
It depends on the day. Some days, I'd wake up and spend the entire day in wonderment over how fat my belly had become, or rejoice in the ripples in my fat caused by waddling. Other days, just the thought of dinner could leave me day dreaming for hours, and lamenting that I'd cleaned three plates and there was nothing left to eat.

In the greater scheme of things, it's the eating. There's no way I'd give up eating to be fat, but I'd give up being fat to eat.

22. Who are your gaining idols?
Absolutely Ian. 573 pounds of pure sexy. And gaining.

23. If you could switch bodies with anyone else on Earth, who would it be? (person can be alive or dead)
Ian. I loved being fat, but my body couldn't handle being 460 pounds. Ian, on the other hand, seems to be doing just fine with 573. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I was in his place. (Would be nice for him to feel what I'm going through these days too...)

24. What did you eat at your last meal?
Let's see... someone brought me a turkey sandwich. Then I had a can of chunky soup, and then someone else brought me a bagel and some doughnuts from Tim Horton's.

25. What will your next meal be?
Probably pizza. I'd love to cook something, but I don't think I'm going to, and I know Ian hasn't been to the store anyway.

26. What is your favorite meal?
When I feel that Ian needs a little push, I'll make up cheesey garlic bread, ceasar salad and grilled chicken fetticini al fredo. It's not all that tough to make, but Ian will always eat however much I make. He can't say no to it.

27. What is your favorite dessert?
Cherry Cheesecake

28. What is your favorite beverage?
Right now, I drink chocolate milk like my life depends on it.

29. Are you a vegetarian?
Um. No.

30. Does your family know about your gaining?
Yeah

31. Your friends?
Yes

32. Co-workers?
I've been pregnant the whole time I was here.

33. Anyone?
I share my ups and downs through virtual friends in my diary.

34. Do you ever regret your gaining? Why?
I wish... I don't feel comfortable being a parent and being indulgantly fat. I do believe I'd be a more effective parent if I was smaller.

On a more positive 'regret', I wish I'd gained slower, then perhaps I'd have been more comfortable at my larger size, and enjoyed it more than I did.

35. What is your most recent fat fantasy?
Since I'm basically bedridden anyway, I've been wondering what it would be like to be so fat I was bedridden.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Fat people and Hockey

Fat girl came over last night to watch hockey with fat boy. Again, either it's been too long since I checked Amy out, or she's getting fat very quickly again.

I really like the way she's filling out. For a long time, she was all about having a big bum and hips, but now the weight seems to be distributing a little more evenly across the rest of her. She's handling the weight really well too. When I was the size she is, I was getting pretty unhappy, but she seems to love it as much as ever.

Seeing her next to Ian deliciously emphasises their differences, it really brings out how big that belly of his is! But like Amy, Ian's recent weight has been distributing more evenly across the rest of him. Just recently I've noticed how big his arms have gotten. Seeing him reaching out for chips, it crossed my mind that one of his arms has got to weigh as much as Kate Moss.

Just thinking of Ian's changes of late.

He's got a softer, rounder look to him. It's tough to see when he's clothed, but naked, he's getting to have a rather feminine form. He's developed curvy hips, his man-boobs are obviously growing quicker than the rest of him, and even the way he walks has a certain something I can't quite put my finger on, but just seems more girly than before.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Preggo News

Pregnancy is the most marvellous thing I've ever experienced. It's really such a huge change in my life, it's a huge collection of experiences, and an almost unlimited series of ups and downs.

But, I'm stuck in a bit of a down cycle right now. I'm trying to enjoy it, but it's tough. I've been told to take it easy, so I am. I'm putting in limited hours at work so I can qualify for the maximum maternity leave benefits. Besides that, it's pretty much bed rest.

I've typed up a million journal entries, but never quite feel like publishing them

I've avoided chatting online, because I've realised I'm not pleasant company when people ask me stupid questions (and, you'd be surprised how many questions are stupid when you're this pregnant!). So, if you've missed me online, I’ve missed you too, but I'm not in a mood to inflict myself on you.

Being on bed rest is good for weight gain at least. I'm definitely feeling like a big blob right now. I miss the days when I was a truly big blob. Whenever I get out of bed I realise why I hated being a big blob though: it hurts my back, my knees and my hips.

Ian's been doing just about everything now, the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry and even the cooking.

It's killing me!

I want to do it all still. It's one thing to choose not to. When Ian and I first lived together, and I was a fat blob, he did everything, and that's what we wanted. But... I still want to do it!

The other thing that's killing me is it's fall, the leaves are changing, and I can't go to the park. I tried, but... it just hurt too much. I've got a decent view out the window, but it's not the same. I'm hoping to give it another shot this weekend.

Ian's being really good though, he's incredibly supportive. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he was supportive back when I was a big fat lazy 460 pounds. He was a lot slimmer then, so it's fair to be surprised that 570 pound Ian is doing the same things that 200 pound Ian did.

In some ways, it's really nice that he is doing it. He doesn't complain. He's still eating well, he's been gaining weight even though he's spending a lot more energy than normal. I think the sense of accomplishment is really good for him, like he realises that he can really do it still. It gives me a good excuse to give him a nice massage. Not that I really need an excuse, but it feels better anyway.

There are still some things I love about the pregnancy: my memory holes are a lot more fun than I'd have ever thought. I can't remember anything. While it is frustrating, there's a certain freedom when people aren't expecting you to remember anything. It's a great accomplishment when I do, and people tend to do things they think I'm going to forget.

The mood swings are fun too. I can feel the downs coming, sort of, and they don't really feel like downs, except I know they are. I think I just enjoy the changes enough that it sort of blunts it. Or more likely I just enjoy them more after the fact, when I know they're done. It's tough to say.

I've already said it, but... I like being a fat blob again. Yes, I'm still a tiny blob next to Ian, but I don't care. I love being big enough that people do double takes. I love being soft and squishy. I love that I seem to have my unstoppable appetite again too.

Finally, I love how all that adds up together: I'm not really Charlotte. I'm some lazy forgetful emotional food crazed blob! It's as close to being someone else as I'll ever be, so I'm absolutely loving it.

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