Thursday, May 29, 2003

Ah, my poor little Ian.

He’s gone a week without gaining any weight! Granted, at 456 lbs, he’s done a fantastic job of gaining so far.

I must admit as he closes in on my previous high weight, I’m getting very excited. Even though he’s almost 40 pounds bigger than me, I still have the title of having been bigger than he is. Once he’s past 460 pounds, then that sets me free from my previous life of being huge. Well, I guess I need to lose some more weight too, but still, that one strand where I was bigger than him will be gone.

I’d like to put him past 460 this weekend, but I don’t know if he can gain weight that quickly any more. Besides, with it being Jeri’s birthday, I’ll be spending a lot of time with Jeri, Amanda and James, so I won’t be able to stuff Ian like I’d need to.

But I’ll do what I can!

It is Jeri’s birthday this weekend, very exciting stuff. I’m still not sure what I’ll get her. I was thinking of getting her a painting for her living room. It’s just screaming out for one, but art is always such a touchy gift. Maybe what I’ll do is take her shopping for one, if we can find the time. Otherwise, maybe I’ll get her a bikini, she needs to show off that bod of hers!


Tuesday, May 27, 2003

I had a dream last night that I was my old self.

Hmm. I guess I need to qualify that, as there are now two ‘old selves’. One old self would be when I was skinny. And the other old self was when I was fat. Well, since I’m still fat, it would be when I was really fat, 460 lbs fat.

Okay, from now on ‘my skinny self’ means ‘my old self several years ago when I was 110 lbs’, and ‘my fat self’ refers to the end of 2002 when I was 460 pounds. And ‘myself’ refers to how much I weigh when I wrote ‘myself’. For example, myself is now 418 pounds. Still fat, but not ‘my fat self’.

Now that that’s clear (yeah, right), I had a dream last night that I was my fat self. It wasn’t all that much of a dream, just me living out an afternoon of how I used to live. I was on the couch watching something on TV (I think it was something about Manet, which is weird, there’s never anything about him on TV!) I was also, of course, eating. I don’t remember exactly what I was eating, but I ate lots of it.

Eventually Amy came out to see what I was doing, and the dream became a third person, fly-on-the-wall dream. She was her ‘old self’ (that is, how I remember her from high school: tiny), so the contrast between me and her was drastic, to say the least.

At this point I became suddenly aware of just how large I was, and suddenly felt weighed down. I tried to get up to see what Amy wanted me to see, but it was a huge effort, so I just told her I’d see it later.

Then Ian brought me out a tray of something (chocolate, I think), and proceeded to feed them to me. Ian, by the way, was his skinny self. Actually, I think it might have been Thomas, but Ian. Like Ian with Thomas’s body, which he never had, but dreams are weird this way.

At which point I woke up, startled to be myself.

Now, when I was gaining weight, I had lots of dreams where I was skinny, so maybe now that I’ve finally lost enough weight to feel the difference, I’ll be having dreams where I’m fatter?

Or maybe my subconscious misses those days of indulgence, maybe I’m due for something like that.

I’ll think about it, or not, and see where I am in a few days.

I’ll be seeing Ian again this weekend, it’s Jeri’s birthday, maybe we’ll find something to occupy my mind!


Monday, May 26, 2003

Basketball!

Okay, I’ve got a new goal in life. I want to play basketball again! I used to play, when I was in highschool. And at university I played some pickup ball with some friends. It was fun, a good way to stay in shape, and you get to yell at people a lot when you play basketball. Before I discovered eating, it was my favourite way to escape, when painting wasn’t enough.

So where does this come from? Well, it’s a long story, but, that’s the point of this, right?

Saturday, after work we went to a party for a guy who used to work at the gallery and had just come home. Actually, in some ways he’s the guy I replaced. He’d been in England working with some friends from Queen’s who were cataloguing works for one of the museums they have there in the ‘other’ London (as people from London, Ontario call it.) While there he took a few trips to France, Italy, Austria to see some of the museums over there. Lucky lucky guy!

He’s a great guy too. In some ways, he reminds me of Ian. Well, Ian if he were into Art, any weighed 300 lbs less. Thomas is about Ian’s height, and is bright, like Ian is. But he’s more into art than cars and computers. But he’s smart about a lot of stuff, and he just loves to learn.

Anyway, he is Ian’s height, so he played basketball a lot (how Ian never played basketball, I’ll NEVER know!) when he was younger. He even used to enter the ‘street ball’ tournaments before he went over to England. There was one this weekend here in London (Ontario), and he wished he could have played in it. I guess there’s not as much roundball to be found in jolly old England, and he was never good enough at soccer that he wanted to play with the guys there. (Jeri should go to England, I’ll be she’d love it there!)

Anyway, we got talking, about what he’d done in Europe, how I found the gallery, etc. He did bring up the basketball, and how much he loved it, and I mentioned that I used to play, but didn’t miss it all that much. He seemed pretty dumbstruck to discover I played ball. I don’t’ blame him, not a lot of fat chicks play basketball! It requires a lot of lateral movement, starts and stops, balance, and about 50 other things that this body of mine just cannot do.

But talking with him about it made me realise that I DO miss playing basketball. It’s like when Jeri suddenly decided to lose weight so she could start playing soccer again. At the time, I didn’t quite get it. Certainly when I got to 460 pounds, I understood her complaints about being uncomfortable with the weight. My threshold was just a little higher than hers.

So, while I’m losing weight for a few reasons, I think playing basketball again is my number one reason. Well, co-number one. Well, it’s an important reason, and it’s put the fire in my belly again.

I told Thomas how I used to play, why I stopped, and all the things that have been going on in my life. Well not EVERYTHING, but I gave him the quick spiel I have about how I got so fat, and how I’m trying to be not so fat.

He’s like most people, he doesn’t get it. If you’ve never let yourself enjoy being fat, then you’re really depriving yourself. Yes, I’ve had to make sacrifices, but my only regret is letting myself go past 400 lbs.

Anyway, maybe by next summer I’ll have lost enough weight to at least be a ‘bad’ basketball player! And who knows? Maybe I can find some way to get my game into a decent enough shape, surely I’ll be able to pass and shoot okay. I wonder how the refs would call me on charging? I wonder if other players may be surprised at what I can do? Never underestimate your opponent’s ability to underestimate you!


Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Ah, finally a nice, long weekend!

I got to go back to Toronto and see Ian, Jeri and Amanda!

Saturday morning I made Ian one of my trademark BIG BREAKFASTS. Pancakes, bacon, sausage, juice, fruit etc. I love to cook for him, and I love watching him eat. He enjoys it so much, how can you not love it when someone you love is enjoying themselves?

For the rest of the day we were over at James and Jeri’s. I got to play with Amanda. I love playing with her, and it’s been so long since we spent any time together. She’s gotten into playing with dolls, tea parties and all that fun stuff! She tried to get me to sit on one of her little chairs. She doesn’t quite get the fact that I’m way to big for something like that! I don’t think she remembers when Jeri was too big for things like that either.

In the evening we had a bbq. James just loves having a place where he can bbq all the time! Jeri thinks he does it too often, but hey, you gotta do what you enjoy when you can, right? Ian was relatively restrained during the evening. Of course, a restrained Ian still eats what 3 normal people might eat…

Sunday brought another big breakfast for my white whale. This time I was playing around with waffles. Just the frozen type, but I put on a few different toppings: strawberry, blueberry and chocolate. Instead of lunch, we just sort of grazed for the rest of the morning. We had some bagels, some fruit, some cookies, danishes. Probably more, I didn’t keep track. I probably ate more than normal, but that’s what a long weekend is for, right? Oh. For the record I’m downto 418 pounds, while Ian is tipping the scales at 454 lbs.

In the afternoon I went out with Jeri and Amanda. Jeri was playing soccer with her friends. She’s really regained a lot of her form, I’m a little surprised! She’s still not the dynamo she was when she was younger, but she keeps up with the guys okay. To be fair, a lot of them aren’t in the shape they were a few years ago either!

I played with Amanda in the park. God it’s a lot of effort to chase her around! I totally understand why Jeri had to lose the weight. It would kill me to try to keep up with Amanda on a daily basis at this size!

Sunday night Ian and I went out for a steak dinner. I’ll never get over the attention we get, especially in restaurants. People don’t (always) mean to be rude, but they can’t help but look, I mean, when 872 lbs walks by, it’s hard to miss us!

God I miss spending time with Ian. I want to quit my job so I can be with him all the time, except I like my job, and would hate to have to get one I didn’t like. Bit of a catch-22. Hopefully something will come up soon to make us all happy.

One advantage of being apart for long times is the ‘snapshot’ effect it creates. Everytime you see someone, you get a mental image of them, and that forms your expectation of them. Well, each time I see Ian, he’s a few pounds bigger. If I saw him every day, then I’d never notice, and yet my ‘snapshot’ of Ian is still when he was about 400 pounds, so he’s much much larger than what I’m expecting each time I see him, even though I KNOW he is bigger!

It just gives me a thrill seeing how truly mountainous he has become. I have to remember, that for all his size, I was still BIGGER at one point in my life. I can only imagine how that must’ve seemed to people. Of course, my weight was distributed differently, and Ian’s taller, so who knows?

I’m really starting to feel smaller around Ian though. Being under 420 lbs is a bit of a milestone too. Hell, I’m 36 pounds smaller than he is! And the gulf is always getting bigger.

I know Ian still feels the snapshot effect. He probably has me immortalised at 460, maybe he dreams of me at 500. So when he’s next to me he feels absolutely enormous (even moreso than reality I mean). In some ways, you can see the disappointment in his eyes. He likes me big, he hates to see me ‘wasting away’. But he understands why, and at the same time he thrills that he is so big himself.

Monday, May 12, 2003

I’ve long been a fan of...

Big Fat Blog. It discusses issues in the media that have to do with fat. The focus of the site is how fat is portrayed as a negative stereotype, and how many people take assumptions at face value despite a lack of any real scientific evidence to support it.

Case in point, lately there has been a lot of talk about the link of obesity to cancer. Once the stats are analysed, however, obese people suffer LESS from cancer than ‘normal’ people. What is the truth? I don’t know. But I do like having a forum to discuss these things with like minded (and bodied!) people.

Another discussion has related to obesity and the incidence of birth defects. Again, this is something that is a ‘known fact’, and yet there are no scientific studies to back this up. Perhaps there is no medical reason for me to lose weight before becoming pregnant!

There would still be the comfort factor, of course. And my ability to keep up with a 2 year old will still be awkward at my current weight.

However, the number one concern, increased possibility of birth defects, seems to be an unwarranted fear.

My ‘life plan’, as it was, had me waiting a little longer to have kids. For sure Ian and I aren’t in the best situation for having a family, what with being in different cities and job instability. But we knew we had time to sort that out while I lost weight. Now, the limiting factor may be getting a stable environment!

That’s something Ian and I can sort out quickly. I can move back to Toronto, or Ian can probably find another job somewhere else that is more stable, even if it pays less. It means that, my life is potentially in great upheaval, and yet I’m much closer to being a mother than I’d expected.

Obviously I’ll be working this out with Ian. Maybe I will still aim to lose another 200 lbs. I’d certainly like to experience being slim again after my years of being this size. Just to see which really feels most comfortable on me. I’d hate to live in regret about my weight.

And if it does take three years to get ‘ready’ to have a family, then so be it. But if we can get it underway tomorrow… that’s actually kind of exciting! I know Ian would make an awesome dad, and I’m really looking forward to the changes that motherhood brings.



Thursday, May 08, 2003

God I can't believe how big Ian's gotten!

I saw him a few weeks ago, but I guess without seeing him everyday, my mental picture of him isn't quite cemented to reflect just how enormous he truly is. In some ways, it's kinda cool, it gives the impression that he gained a tonne of weight, when in fact he's only a few pounds heavier than the last time I saw him. Of course, I'm a few pounds lighter, so maybe my mental picture of myself is bigger than real, so he seems all that much larger because he's bigger than I am.

Does that make sense?

I'll put it simple: Ian is huge.

His stomach is gigantic and round.

His face is soft and sweet.

His legs are thick and sturdy.

His ass is wide and wiggles.

Ian is poetry in motion (even if my writing isn't!). Even when he's sitting still, his entire body heaves with each breath, ripples gently everytime he moves a little bit.

I've forgotten how much I enjoy eating a good meal with him. He can eat so much! I'm not used to it, what with Amy and I trying to watch what we eat. I was worried I'd made too much for his dinner, but was only saved by dessert! We started out with a shrimp ring. I commented that Ian's definitely not what he eats if he's eating shrimp. Ian pointed out that shrimp are the preferred food of many whales, so it's got to be good for bulk!

We also had some garlic bread, with cheese and bacon. The main course was linguine al fredo, with grilled chicken and bacon. For some reason I've never put bacon in it before, but I think I'll be doing it again! The look on Ian's face when he tasted it was incredible, and I've seen a lot of 'incredible' looks on his chubby visage!

After the pasta we went straight for a cheesecake I'd bought. I still can't believe that he had room for some, much less most of it! (Hey, I had to have some too, right?)

I gave him one of my trademark stomach massages while he watched the hockey game and then we had some ice cream before bed. It's funny, I put 'some' here, because that's how we treat it. And yet 'some' doesn't being to describe an Ian Sundae. For my part I just had two scoops of mint chocolate chip. Ian, on the other hand, had about 8 scoops, topped with chocolate, walnuts, coconut, cherries, chocolate chips and caramel sauce.

Watching Ian consume one of these sundaes is a treat in itself. He absolutely loves it, and you can see he's torn between savouring each bite, and shovelling it in as fast as he can! It certainly helps that he likes to lick the spoon...

The night was fantastic. One thing I'm going to miss when I lose weight is how our bodies feel when pressed together. There is such a huge amount of heat that it feels like a metaphor for the heat of passion we feel for each other. Sometimes when we're cozied up, it's hard to tell where I stop and he starts! I have NO problem with that.

On the other hand, I'm looking forward to losing some weight. I've been thinking how cool it will be to be a little more nimble in bed. I remember when Ian was still thin and I was the fat one. I can't wait to turn the tables on that. Besides, I just think of the dream I had the other day, and I know he'll love that!

So today I'm going to join Ian for lunch, then head home.

Oh, I weighed myself this morning:
422 pounds.

Looks impressive if I say I've lost 38 lbs!


Wednesday, May 07, 2003

I’ve got today and tomorrow off.

I’m going to sneak home to Toronto and surprise Ian :-). I know he’s been upset with work, so I’m going to help relax him. I’m going to have the best dinner ready for him when he gets home!

I’m not sure what I’ll make yet, but something will come to me.

I also want to use his scale, I want to see if I’ve really lost weight, or if it’s just my imagination.

Okay, mostly I’m just horny as hell ;-)


Monday, May 05, 2003

What would the world look like if…

…everyone looked exactly how they wanted to look?

Would we have a zillion clones? A few different body styles?

Would people look different just to look different?

Would there be fat people?

Would there be short people?

Would everyone be happier? Or would everyone become lost?

If everyone looked like someone else, no one would have an identity, how often can you identify someone from a distance? What about when you run into someone you haven’t seen in a while, you immediately catalogue the changes (your hair! Have you lost weight? Nice tan!)

I know I wouldn’t be happy in a world like that.

Conversely, would the world be great if everyone were satisfied with their current appearance? Would we stop with makeup? Keep the same hair styles all the time? No one going to the gym, or obsessively going to the gym?

I don’t know.

I love the world we live in. Yes, there are multitudes of pain being inflicted as I write this, as you read this. Some pain is worse that other pain. I’d love the world without pain. But would it be interesting?

Pain is but one aspect of life. Would the rest of life be better or worse without pain? Without pain there’d be no fear. Without fear, there’d be no relief, no jubilation (what is jubilation, if not the celebrate the end of fear?).

Without jubilation, there is no celebration. With no celebration, there is no art! Art embodies, imitates life. The less there is to life, the less there is to art. Indeed, without pain, there is no art.

With uniformity, there is no art.

In other words… I should be happy.

Am I happy?

Good question.


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