MsCezanne's Odyssey

First, this belongs in Char vs the World, but I'm lazy.

Saddam Hussein has been executed, and it gave me a tingly feeling. Why? It's history. It's a pivotal event. I can't say what's going to happen, I wouldn't dare say if it was right or wrong. I just have a feeling that people will look back and see something special, maybe the beginning of the end of something, maybe the beginning of something awful. It happened so suddenly, there wasn't a lot of 'debate' about it, that gives it a bit of a history in the making feeling. These days everyone discusses everything, so by the time it happens (or doesn't) it's just not a surprise. History is surprising, and Hussein's execution was a surprise, and it is history.

Next up, I'm not going to post Jeri's weight. 1) I don't know, and 2) she didn't ask me to. I'll let her know there's interest though.

Finally, yes, Amy misses her blog. We still chat and email and talk on the phone, that's her 'weight outlet'. She was hoping more people would email her though. She's more than happy to keep people up to date, she just can't do it in a public forum.

Hardly an original sentiment, but for those of us who celebrate Christmas, it is, it really is. There are so many different aspects to Christmas, so many different interpretations, so many things happen that you're bound to love one or two of them. We're certainly in a culture where giving/receiving gifts has become the best part. I won't argue against that, I've always loved it, and I don't care if it makes me look shallow, lying about it is worse. There's getting to see your family, which is a bigger deal when you live out of town, and an even bigger deal when you have kids. I love Paul, but knowing that my mom has him while I'm doing whatever is just an awesome feeling of freedom. You get to see friends, you get to decorate (a lot of people are very bad at it, but if they enjoy it, I can see the beauty in it), and of course you get to EAT!

This year was probably my most perfect Christmas of all. Giving/receiving was probably the least interesting part of the whole thing (and it was still fantastic. I love sparklies, and I love seeing Paul become enamoured with every new thing put under his nose). Like I said, it was nice being with family, I appreciate it all so much more now... to anyone who is ambivalent about family, have kids, you'll get it. And I loved the food. This is my fattest Christmas ever, and boy did I let go and eat! Cookies, chocolates, candy canes, coffee cakes, turkeys, hams, potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberries, vegetables of all kinds, pies of all kinds. The surprise isn't that I gained 3 pounds, the surprise is that I ONLY gained three pounds. I could have eaten so much more, I wish I had, but I was enjoying my time with family and friends.

I thought the holidays would be a little tough for Ian, this is his first Christmas on his diet, we were going to be out of town, so hitting the gym wasn't an option either. He did gain 3 pounds as well, but he's been fine with it. I think he'll get back into his routine now that we're back home, but we'll know later. He did enjoy 'letting loose' for a week though, and I enjoyed eating along with him, it's been far too long! Everywhere we went though, everyone noticed how much weight he's lost. He really was enjoying that, and he should, he's worked very hard, and it's nice to get some recognition for it. Many of these same people also said that I was 'looking good as well'. I know they didn't mean it, for the most part, but I don't mind, I enjoyed their reactions too.

Speaking of eating with someone after far too long, we got to see Amy and Thomas for a little bit. I was so sure Amy was going to be my size, but she's not. Not even close, she's bigger than ever, bigger than Ian, I'm sure. I know that time and memory can play tricks, but when she says she's 470 pounds, and I'm 467 pounds, we should be about the same size, and we're not. I'm SURE she's bigger than the 494 that I saw her at in September, though she insists otherwise. Now, she does look a lot different, she's got a sparkle in her eye, a joy in her smile, and a lot of energy in her step. She is certainly a happier woman than she was in September, so I guess that makes her feel slimmer? Ian's got more energy than I do, so even though he's bigger than me, he seems slimmer, maybe she's got the same thing going on. I don't know, I just can't wait to hear what she weighs in at on New Year's eve.

We did get to sit down and eat together for a few hours. It wasn't nearly enough.

I also got to see Jeri and Amanda (and James, lol). Everytime I see them, I miss them so much. Amanda's growing up, she's not a baby, I mean, of course she's not a baby, but last time I saw her, I swear, she was just a little girl. Not now! She's growing up, she does so much, she's so bright, she knows so much, I hate that I missed that. I'd spend every day with her if I could. I can't wait to have my own little girl, I want her to be as special as Amanda (nothing against Paul, I love him like anything, but he's not a girl, lol.) I don't really know her any more, and she doesn't really know me. She knows who I am, she knows that I'm special, but there's just not the connection that we used to have, and I miss that. Over the years, it'll keep changing.

Seeing Jeri was fun too. We've grown apart, that makes me a little sad, but having Paul gives us something else to bond over, so we talked plenty about that too. We also ate plenty, just like the old days. In fact, Jeri's gained a lot of weight this past year, so it's a lot like old times! Except I'm the fatter one now, lol. She doesn't mind that at all, and I don't mind one bit either. Back when I was first gaining, I never even dreamed I would become this big, and now I dream of nothing but becoming bigger.

I really have been surprised by this year, acknowledging that, yes, I did want to gain. Helping Ian turn around his lifestyle to lose nearly 100 pounds after working so hard to help him gain them. Last Christmas I was a dainty 360 pounds, he was a monolithic 590, and I never thought that our roles would reverse so dramatically, much less that I would be loving it more now than I was then. I can hardly wait to see what next year holds!

Been busy, we're all doing well, we're all ready for Christmas.

So, let me just say, I'm up to 464 pounds, Ian's down to 502, and we couldn't be happier!

Happy Holidays to one and all.

Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost “The Road Not Taken”

The fact of the matter is ‘health’ is a very big idea. There’s your physical health, there is your mental health, and, if you like, there is spiritual health, emotional health and dozens of other types of ‘health’, depending on what theories you subscribe to.

I have to do what makes me happy, that’s important to my health.

I’ve always liked to take my own path, and while I’m not exactly unique in this path, it is by far the one less travelled. I know it comes at a cost. I also know that choosing the easy path comes at a cost too. I know what the costs are. I seriously believe I cannot live a life of disappointment. I might be weak that way, but I’m alive.

I can’t deny that I live in denial. Even if I recommend such a lifestyle to other people, I’m not in a position to know it’s the best, there’s plenty of evidence against. I can’t dispute it.

I don’t mind people challenging me. I’ve written about this before, trying not to repeat myself.

The key is to have just enough angst to sustain you. Too much will consume you. Too little will diminish you. I guess the tough part is when you take on more angst, finding 'old angst' to let go of. I'm still working on it. Like many though, I've learned that food can balance angst too, lol.

As for me and Amy as book ends... I'm not sure I want to see the books that need 460 pound book ends!

I AM looking forward to seeing her at Christmastime though! Last time I saw her she had 60 pounds on me, and now it's down to 10. She was jealous of my belly then, just wait until she sees it now. She's going to be surprised to see Ian too, he's changed a lot in a few months. Actually, they've lost about the same amount of weight since she left. Maybe Ian's not doing such a good job after all? Or maybe he's been gaining muscle. I can't wait to see them together anyway.

I know my blog has been a little quiet lately.

There have been a few aspects to my life that have been less than fun lately, and every time I started a diary entry, it was just dripping with anger and despair. I don't want that! Certainly not at this time of the year. Further, my creative energies have been focused on another project. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I have been enjoying it, and, as I said, it's been using up my creative energies, leaving the bitterness for my diary.

But I'm better now. Still spending the creative energies elsewhere, but I've got a little to spare for Wednesday Weigh In.

459 pounds this morning, I'm so very close to 460 pounds and being officially fatter than ever! It's really exciting, the changes in my body are nothing like before, or at least nothing like I remember. I don't feel as awkward as before. Ian says that my body is a little more used to it now, and with my weight more in my belly, I'm actually better balanced than I was before. Clothing seems to be a little nicer this time around than it was last time. I still have trouble keeping on my feet for too long, but that's okay, I just avoid being on my feet more than I have to be. Ian's been VERY good about running the errands, keeping up with the chores, and keeping me well fed.

The changes have seemed much more drastic since I've been back to work. I don't eat as much during the day, so I try to make up for that in the evening. It's tough to eat as much as I'd like to, but I'm still happy with the progress I've made. I've really gotten used to the idea of having a big belly. I'd still like a larger bum and hips, but the big belly does feel really nice when I rub it. You can't just sit there rubbing your hips and bum, but you can just sit and rub your belly! I've also decided that a fat belly is nicer than a preggo one. Don't get me wrong, a preggo belly was a lot of fun, but there's so much crammed in there, it's not as soft and jiggly as a fat belly can be. My belly is bigger now than when I was preggo, and sometimes I actually feel like I'm preggo. Not a lot though, there was so much else to go along with being preggo than just the belly, but there are times when I'm doing something where I get this 'woah, it's like being preggo' feeling, and I do enjoy those.

Amy Update

Amy's settling into a 9-5 type job out west, so she's got a lot more time to devote to eating. She's got a staff she trusts, and Thomas is doing a lot of the 'hard work', so the stress is gone. Thomas is busy in the evenings though, so she'll do a lot of pizza and movie nights. She says she's back on the gaining path. Her New Year's resolution is to hit 500 pounds in '07. She'll be getting a scale and weigh in on January 1st for the first time since moving out west. She figures on being 470 or so by then.

Ian Update

Ian is a weight loss machine. He dropped another 4 pounds this week. There's only 50 pounds between us now. Even though he's still the fat one, I'm starting to feel gigantic next to him. I love how that feels. There's still part of me that wishes he was still 600 pounds, but for the most part, I'm very appreciative of the energy he has now, of the time alone I get while he's at the gym, and I just love seeing the changes in him. He's still really fat, but there's a power behind it. You can tell there's muscles under that fat just bursting to get out.

Sherry Update

Sherry's back at work too, though she's enjoying it a little more than I am. She's bracing for the New Year's rush where she'll have a million clients with a million bad habits. She loves the challenge, and everything from here to then is just warming up.

She hasn't been helping Ian with his work outs very much, she doesn't have much time for that, but she's pretty impressed at how well he's been sticking to it on his own. She has been working out more on her own though, and she's getting to be a hard body!