MsCezanne's Odyssey

Every once in a while I get reminded that whatever my wishes and desires might be, I'm still an animal with animal instincts. It's spring, and in spring the instincts are to just get outside. I have, it's been absolutely glorious. The cost has been my appetite. I have no desire to cook. I have no desire to eat. There's that part of me that wants to get to 500 pounds, and right now it's stuck in the back and I'm just enjoying life.

I guess there are worse things than putting your dreams on hold and just enjoying life.

And I do enjoy being reminded that whatever I think I'm in control of my life, in actuality, my body is in control, and always will be the final arbiter of what I will do.

I like that I'm an animal.

I'm having a fat day. Now, before you go running off to tell the media that the 496 pound woman feels fat, let me explain. Amongst the various facets of any given day, I've always had 'fat days', 'skinny days', and 'normal days'. Doesn't matter my size, I've always had them. True, a 'normal day' is pretty much a 'fat day', and 'skinny days' are far less frequent than they used to be, but they do come up (I had one on Sunday, so it's probably weather related).

Fat Days usually come after I've been gaining weight for a sustained streak, or after a sudden gain, but not always. And not this one, not really. So what brought on today's 'fat day'? It always starts in bed, like most days. On a Fat Day I have trouble getting out of bed. Normally I've got a bit of a rhythm for getting out of bed, and on Fat Days I just don't get into that rhythm, so I struggle to sit up, and today I gave up and just sort of rolled out of bed. I had my shower, and while it's been a while since the towel wrapped all the way around, it felt like I was trying to cover up with a hand towel this morning. Breakfast took a lot of energy to get together, and the walk to the car just too FOREVER. The seatbelt was tight, I got a crappy parking spot in the garage at work, the elevator was crowded on the way up and I can feel my ass hanging off the chair more than usual.

So that's what a fat day is.

On a normal day, nothing's different, but I just don't feel aware of it.

On a skinny day, everything just seems easier, even though it's not really.

I used to hate Fat Days, of course, when I was skinny a 'Fat Day' meant I was a little bloated and my waistband just didn't feel right. Now, I love them, they help me get in tune with my life, get in tune with my day, and get in tune with my body. It's still miserable those moments where things aren't 'right', but the moment I realize that I've realized it's not right, it puts a smile on my face. Maybe a 'Fat Day' is a kind of 'manic-depressive' day.

Okay, so one day of rain after a string of beautiful days isn't really something to complain about, and I know that rain leads to a verdant scene out my window, but damnit, it's no fun to look out the window and see a gloomy rainy day.

There was no hockey on last night, so I actually got to see Ian for the whole night, that was nice! He continues to make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world, and he also helps me to feel incredibly huge. As of this morning there's 38 pounds between us, but I feel like there's a hundred, or more. He just loves to spoil me, and I'll take it while I can!

At work they've formed a 'Weight Watcher's Group'. I'd join as a joke, but it's $200, that's a pricey joke. Although if I am having trouble losing weight, I wouldn't be too closed minded to try. I'll be working with Sherry though, and she's done great work with Ian, I don't see why we won't be able to do the same with me.

So today's tally: Me: 496 - Ian: 458

Oh my gosh, the weekend was so beautiful outside, it was just incredible. If Paul didn't need to have a nap I'd have spent the whole time in the park.

Thanks for the stats. I love that stuff. Char 4.5. Not sure that has a great ring to it, but there's certainly something there!

I assure you that any impression of 'oppression' or 'lack of interest' is to be found the medium: I like writing my blog, and post when I don't really have much to say. There's a little bit of anger at myself for not posting something creative or interesting, and I'm sure that comes out in the writing. I am absolutely in love with the process, but it's been all I write about (it's about all that I do!), and it's tough to keep that fresh and interesting.

With that said, I'm also looking forward to the next stage, it can't come soon enough. My ultimate goal, for now, is to have another baby. That means getting to a smaller size. Since I plan to lose a lot of weight, I want to have something to look back on, and I really want to be able to look back and see that I wasn't 'fat', but in fact 500 pounds. It might seem like the same thing, but I can be 150 pounds and 'fat', having something specific just helps cement this phase of my life. The sooner I reach that goal, the sooner I can reach the next one. This goal really has consumed me, the number one aspect of my life is my weight and my weight gain. That includes coming ahead of being a parent, and as awful as that sounds, it's really a sign of how effective Ian has been, and how lucky we are that Paul doesn't require more of my attention. Paul does get as much attention as I feel he needs, he still comes first as far as I'm concerned, but the fact is, when I'm at work, and when he's in bed, that's the majority of my day, so the majority of my life truly is Paul free. Ian handles much of the routine for now, so while Paul is priority #1, he's just not very time intensive, and thus the majority of my life right now is focused on getting and being fat.

I haven't talked with Amy in a little while. With the tax deadline coming up, and the Flames being in the playoffs, we just don't have our schedules in synch right now. I know she's busy, on top of everything else, they've got a house to move into soon. Amy has committed to returning to blogging when she's legally permitted to. Right now, she's hoping to return in a year or so, but it's tough to say. She does do a newsletter through email though, so if you'd really like to know what she's up to, you can always email her: thedvdbabe@gmail.com

I haven't really been in touch with Alex either. He's a nice guy and all, but we just don't have enough in common to be 'friends' these days. His attitude towards weight gain is dissimilar to mine, so we don't even share that, really.

The Big Day approaches, it's quite exciting, not knowing exactly when I'll become a Big Girl. Most things in life have definate dates, birthdays, graduations, vacations, weddings. But some of the best things don't work on a schedule, don't adhere to a deadline. Shakespeare's plays were written until they were done. Michelangelo's sculptures waited in the marble until he could free them. My weight will hit 500 pounds when I'm ready for it. Although, I suppose I'll get to 500 ready or not.

How does one prepare for being 500 pounds? I haven't done anything, just making the effort to actually attain it. I don't really believe life will be different with another 5 pounds. My life will be different for a multitude of reasons, but 5 pounds aren't going to make such a big difference that I have to prepare, will they?

I'm not sure that makes sense. I know what I mean though, and I suspect you do too. I'm just so damned excited, it really is tough to focus. I'm going to be FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS. I'm going to be BIG. I'm going to be so Big.

On the weekend I realised that Ian's made a transition: he's not a fat man any more. No, now Ian's a huge guy. What's the difference? A fat guy is relatively benign, someone who eats too many doughnuts, may or may not be jolly. A huge guy, in contrast, is someone intimidating, might eat dogs, and may or may not be a biker, bouncer or professional ass kicker. (I would point out that he doesn't eat dogs, not that I've ever seen...). He doesn't really have that scruffy or intimidating look about him, but his waddle has turned into more of a swagger, and his shoulders are definitely broad, probably bigger now than when he was 600 pounds. If he grew a beard and slapped on some shades... I might cross the street when I came across him!

Of course, when he's vacuuming the apartment, or changing Paul's diapers, I can tell he's still my big fat teddy bear.

Sherry has also changed a lot over the past year. When we first became acquainted she was, well, she considered herself to be fat, but most people would have considered her curvy, at most. To me, she seemed soft and feminine. Now, she is not. She has managed to work a lot of the fat off her body and put on some muscle mass. She's got that sort of 'sparkplug' appearance like nothing would ever stop her. I know she's worked very hard to get where she is, and I have to admit I'm a little jealous, I'd like to know what a body like hers feels like. If she had my height, she'd definitely be an 'Amazon'.

Okay, I'll admit I'm having fun. Huge is right, I'm being a provacetreuse. I enjoy it. It's just fun to see people react. I probably love Kate; I love people who disagree with me, but are willing to explore that disagreement. In fact, Kate and I probably agree on far more things than we disagree about, and, probably, we actually agree on some things we wouldn't care to admit. I put words in her mouth because, well, it's fun. It's how I debate, it's how I get someone to clarify themselves. I know Kate doesn't hate fat people, but if I paint her that way, then she very bravely steps up to clarify... my lie leads to the truth. I know a lot of people don't like that, but it's a good way to get rid of people I genuinely hate too.

Huge, I'm certainly not trying to co-opt your own thoughts on labelling. Just writing as it comes, I'm glad you pointed it out. My thoughts are not as unique as I'd like, and basically my point was that the labels vary from person to person. It's not just the 'fat' labels either, pretty much anything means something different to everyone. BBW and SSBBW just happen to be relatively rare terms. Don't for a second consider this journalism. That implies research, balance, and all kinds of other things that I'm not going to do. At most, consider it editorialising.

Bob, you're free to take offence from Kate. I know she didn't mean it, but at the same time, a lot of people cause offence without meaning to. Some people are overly sensitive. Some people are insensitive. Most people are just honest, and are willing to open their eyes to new experiences, and are willing to step in the proverbial shit, as often happens when dealing with something new. Whatever anyone here thinks of Kate, I can't help but admire that she's been sticking around.

Kate, I can't help but admire that you're sticking around. I said it before, I'll say it again, you're my foil, you've really invigorated me, and give me a chance to paint you as the bad guy. I do it because I know you can handle it, and because I know that every exaggeration I put out there draws a little more thought, a little more truth. I don't understand life, or even myself, any better than you do. The discussion is therapeutic for me, and I can't thank you enough for that. And you're right, aside from work and parenting, there is little in my life besides food at the moment. I am working towards the end of that, it hasn't always been this way, and it won't be this way forever. I'm enjoying it now, and I'll miss it when it's over, but I'm also ready for other things. The weather is cooperating though! I'm too big to go on long walks, but the weather has been anything but appropriate for long walks, so I don't have a chance to miss those, lol.

As for me, Easter has helped me put on a few more pounds, and kept Ian to losing only a single pound. I'm up to 493 and Ian's down to 467. I haven't heard from Amy in a little bit. I'm sure she's still fat, and probably fatter, but I have nothing to report.

As for my weight goals, 500 is pretty much set in stone. There is no doubt in my mind that I'd like to gain more, perhaps reaching Ian's BMI record, or even shooting for Amy's. But there are other things in life that I want, and it so happens these goals are exclusive with my size, and if I have to choose, it's the other goals. Life is compromise, I'm just picking the path with the greatest rewards, and I'm doing it happily.

Kate, you're absolutely right. Sizism exists, and it does exist in both directions. I don't mind that people like Largebob would objectify me, just as I didn't mind it when I fit a more conventional beauty standard. I don't even mind when 'narrow' minded people just see my fat and have an unpleasant reaction. It gives me a chance to surprise them if I wish, or an easy out to avoid them if I wish. In some ways, going out fat is easier than going out thin. I don't have guys all over me, which is nice in moderation, but really gets tiresome too.

These days a lot of people make a big effort to not put stock in outward appearances, and yet they do anyways. It's nice to see someone honestly say they just don't like fat people because they're fat. It doesn't make you evil, just human. Most people really are open minded enough to get past prejudices if they're given a chance, and if you choose to live outside of societal norms, you must expect that. I do, and like I have said before, I enjoy the extra aspect it brings to my life. I admit to being shallow, I'll judge someone on their appearances. It won't stop me from getting to know them.

In some ways, however, my diary really is the opposite of that. You're not looking at my body, you're reading my thoughts, in essence, you get to see what's inside, and then draw your conclusions about my physical appearance from what I've said. I absolutely love that. I love that my words count here. I love that I can stoke the imagination to the point where Largebob is drooling without seeing me, with Kate believing (if you'll excuse the hyperbole) I'm some cow that just eats all day. They don't know me, and yet they do. They've read what I write, they've formed an image of me, all without the benefit of a single prejudice!

Obviously Kate sees more to me than some cow that eats all day, otherwise she'd have moved on by now. I feel bad to pick on her, though from what I've read of her, I think she'd understand that she's a convenient foil, and there's no genuine animosity. Indeed, a couple of different choices in life and anything she writes would be something I'd write. I used to hate fat people far more savagely than Kate does. 15 years ago I'd never have had a civil discourse with a BBW, unless you count barnyard sounds as civil... So, in some ways it has taken becoming a bigger person literally to become one figuratively. Maybe I'd have matured without getting fat. Maybe not.

For Easter we went back home, of course. Holidays are a chance for the kids to see their grandparents and vice versa. It's tough to tell who's more excited about it, really. Ian and I got a chance to see friends we don't see much. Ian got to watch the hockey game with his friends, I got to hang out with Jeri and Amanda. Everyone had a great time.

I got to make dinner for Sunday night, I always love doing that. I don't get to cook nice big meals very much any more, so it's fun to have a chance. Everyone was happy, but by now it's more surprising when people don't like what I'm making. If I say so myself.

I still like to stir up trouble from time to time, and it's nice to see that I can create a disagreement without trying, thanks Largebob and Kate!

You also prove my point that everyone has their own definitions of BBW/SSBBW. Bob puts them into pretty rarefied categories, if I'm not supersized, there's not really a large number of people who are. If that's what he wants, then that's a great definition. If you think about the number of Super models, it's not a bad idea to have a corresponding number of Super BBWs, is it?

Even though Kate brings BMI tables to the debate, I suspect that she has a different categorisation of the divide. Pardon me while I put words in her mouth here, but I suspect to Kate a BBW is someone who has trouble with daily tasks/things they enjoy because of their weight/size, and an SSBBW would be someone who finds daily tasks/things they enjoy to be impossible, or at least impractical, because of their size. Those're pretty good definitions, and, thinking back, actually fit with Bob's definition pretty well.

Bob also brought up an interesting statistic, that I've managed to gain close to 600 pounds! It certainly doesn't feel like that, but seeing that number, and thinking about it a little, that's a lot of weight! I'm sure there are more than a few minds wondering if I'd just gained the weight without taking a break to lose weight as well. I've never been much of a numbers kind of girl, so if anyone else has some insights, I'd be pleased to know, and I'm sure there are readers who would love another perspective.

As for the statistics inquiring minds are here to know: 514, 490 and 468 - Amy's weight, my weight and Ian's weight.

I also managed to track down Alex, I think I promised that a little while ago. We haven't seen each other in quite a while, but he's doing pretty well. He's gained a lot of weight, he's up to 568 pounds! He's shorter than Ian, and didn't really have Ian's athletic back ground, so they weight is really impacting him, but he's enjoying it nonetheless.

Online I've come into discussions about the meanings of various expressions, for example, what's the meaning of a feedee. Some people think it's anyone who is force fed, others think it's anyone who just likes to gain. I tend to along with the latter, but I know others consider that more 'gainer'. I understand the need for a variety of vocabulary, and for a common understanding. I also enjoy bantering with someone to find out what the definitions mean to them. Let's be honest, the number of people who differentiate between 'feedee' and 'gainer' is vanishingly small, so it's not surprising that everyone has their own ideas of what these words mean.

It was through Ian that I learned of the online community that enjoys weight/weight gain. There are plenty of people who enjoy it but aren't part of the community, I even know a few. In this community there is this shared vocabulary where everyone kinda knows what everything means, but there is no formalised dictionary. One expression that I found a little peculiar was 'SSBBW'. (BBW = Big Beautiful Woman - politically correct for 'fat chick'. By extension (so to speak) SSBBW = Super Sized Big Beautiful Woman - politically correct for 'holy crap she's a fat chick'.) I never quite knew what the delineation was between BBW and SSBBW. Some people peg it at 300 pounds, some more. Some people consider it more of a feeling, that the BBW herself would know if she was 'just fat', or 'supersized'. I think along the latter lines. Weight and body shape are one thing, but how it feels is something else entirely.

As I approach 500 pounds, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm supersized. For me, I think supersizedom (supersizediness? supersizey? horizontally-advantaged?) kicked in about 400 pounds. That's when being fat really took on a life of it's own, where my size became a dominating factor in my life. That's when it's harder to get clothes, a lot of places become impossibly small, even getting around isn't quite the same as it once was.

There were times as I gained weight it was tough to notice. What's a pound here or there when one pound is a quarter of one percent of your weight? In some ways, that was very fascinating, I could gain 10 or 20 pounds or even more and not really notice, and then suddenly one day the full force of those changes set in. My clothes are too tight, or I can't reach something, or I just look different in the mirror. I loved those moments, it was like being a whole new person. Lately, I'm aware of all the changes, every pound, every ounce. It might just be in my head, I might be trying to feel them, who knows? But every time I get dressed, I feel like a new person. When I look in the mirror, I'm a new person. With each step, with each movement, with each cascade of jiggling, it feels different, new and exciting. From moment to moment I have a new life, new experiences, a new Charlotte. It is simply incredible.

I'm bigger than I've ever been. There are costs associated with that, but the costs are easily born. In fact, like a billionaire happy to waste $500 million on a gold plated Bentley, I revel in my costs. There is a pleasure in knowing that I can go to the mall and not find a single item of clothe to wear. I laugh when I think about the many restaurants that would love my business, and yet I can't possibly comfortably visit. Sitting up to roll over in bed, acrobatic displays to stand up from a couch, taking breaks while climbing a dozen stairs, bumping into things like a bull in a china shop, they all sound terrible but they're me, and they're life, and they're great, and I love it.

With that in mind, I can't stop looking forward to the next phase: losing weight so I can get pregnant again. I've noticed that there are a lot of people who can't reconcile that I very much would like to be 500 pounds, but also want to lose weight. Obviously I can't accomplish both at the same time (until I'm over 500 pounds), but doing one and not the other doesn't seem incongruous to me. As much as I'd enjoy life at a supersized 500 pounds, my body won't get pregnant, so I have to lose the weight and I will. We'll have another baby, hopefully two more, and then we'll decide where my weight will go. To be honest, I doubt I'll ever get so big again, but that all depends on how well I can handle being a 'mere' BBW.