MsCezanne's Odyssey

Okay, I haven't posted this week.

I've been working with a friend on a piece of fiction. It's just sort of for fun, we've been going back and forth, and we've been having a lot of fun with it. We don't have any real plans for it, but maybe we'll discuss that at one point.

Recently I introduced a bit of a tangent to the story, and I've written an extended 'short story'. It's taken up most of my creativity this week, hence no diary entry. I dont know that I'll post the story, as it is structured as a tangent to a larger work (I use the word 'larger' loosely, I believe the tangent is now longer!). Maybe I'll find the time to clean it up to stand alone.

If not, I might try my hand at writing some more fiction to post.

I've been informed that Amy's mailing list has been infrequent at best, and that there is a call for information.

So.

Amy's doing well, she's learning all kinds of new things at work. At first she was learning about setting up a business, and building contacts, now she's learning about using those contacts, seizing and creating opportunities, and how to make the difficult decisions. As good as the business is there are some aspects that don't work out, and it breaks her heart to have to tell people that she just can't make their dream come true.

Their home is really coming together. While she wasn't sure what Thomas had in mind for it, she is very happy with how it's come together. She calls it a sort of funky modern feng shui. I'll have to talk with Thomas about it to get a better idea.

They're not too busy to keep Amy's appetite stimulated though. As of this Wednesday she's 526 pounds and enjoying every ounce.

So that's the story out west.

I can't say I've been keeping a list of 'stupid questions', in fact, beyond responding to any questions that might come up, I don't really keep track of questions at all. Maybe I should. With that, I doubt this is the stupidest question I've seen. Certainly a unique question, but those are the fun ones anyway.

In case any more missed it, Tim asks: "During the course of this weight gain adventure - has your voice changed? Most of the heavier folks I've known have deeper, throaty voices. And you hear about opera singers, where there is some connection between voice and size."

In my observations, people's voices change over time, and there are a multitude of reasons. People speak differently in public than in private, differently with friends than with co-workers, differently with family than lovers. Maybe not everyone is like that, but I'd bet they are. It has to do with comfort, if you're nervous, your voice changes, because the muscles tighten up etc. Opera Singers have to have deep throaty voices because, they believe that's the only way to be an opera singer (I have no scientific evidence, so shall continue to use 'believe' as a weasel word, okay?). Similarly, there's a belief that opera singers can attain their deep throaty voices by increasing their mass. It's a matter of being comfortable, if they're comfortable on stage with more weight, they're going to sing better.

As people gain/lose weight, they will similarly gain/lose confidence in various speaking situations, and their voice will change. Is it because of the weight? Again, without any real scientific evidence, physiologically, not really. If they're out of shape, their lung power might decrease, so that would affect your voice I suppose. Also, sleep apnea/snoring is caused by fat accumulation in the throat, so I suppose that could affect your voice too. I think any changes in the voice would have more to do with the speaker's comfort with their appearance and place in life. Some people gain weight as they mature, as they mature, they become more confident, and people associate confidence with a deep throaty voice, therefore, their voice changes as they age, not as they gain weight, so it's a coincidence.

I can't say that I've noticed my voice changing, certainly no one has commented on it. I have noticed Ian's voice change, though I feel it has more to do with the development of our relationship than his weight. Maybe I'm wrong?

Anyone else have a question that might feel is a stupid one? I'm sure it's not. If you don't want to publicly post it, then email me: charmcd@gmail.com

Sometimes it's tough to come up with a title.

Matt: I'll be honest, without a specific weight goal, the numbers on the scale aren't of all that much interest to me. I realise that they're a quick way to illustrate changes in a blog, so I've enjoyed weighing in for those purposes. I admit there were times where I felt like a slave to the scale, so it's nice to get away from that. Ian really IS a slave to the scale, he's the one behind the weekly weigh ins, so this is tougher on him than on me. I have no doubt he'll cheat at some point, it's pretty simple to find a scale at a gym, I just don't care to hear the number.

It's going to be a good summer though, I think. We'll be focusing more on how we feel, how we fit into the world, rather than just some numbers that really don't mean as much as how we feel does.

I HAVE been eating plenty, Ian's sure I'm bigger now, and I can't really say I disagree with him, I think I am. In the past the numbers haven't always agreed with the feelings though, so it'll be nice to get in touch with my body this way.

We went back home for the weekend for Father's day. Saturday we went to James and Jeri's place. I was a little sad to miss Amanda, but she was with her daddy, so I can't really begrudge her that! My sister kept Paul, so it was nice for the four of us to have an 'adult' evening. It's funny how your perception of the world 'adult' changes once you've got kids. Sitting around, drinking beer and not worrying about keeping things quiet is now my definition of an 'adult evening'. Lame or not, it was fun.

One thing I did notice was that Jeri's getting pretty big again. It's tough to say how big she is now, certainly not my size, but getting close to her old top weight. James has gained a lot of weight too. That was the bigger surprise really, he's always been in pretty good shape, now I'm trying to remember if he was in shape the last few times we saw him or not!

We've put away the scale. For this summer, Ian and I are going to be weightless. I'm going to eat what I want, when I want. Ian's going to continue his regime. I'll see how my lifestyle adapts to my size, I'm hoping to become more active, but that remains to be seen.

When September rolls around, Ian and I will weigh in again, I'll get serious about losing weight and getting in shape and we'll plan from there.

I hope to keep writing in my diary all summer, but don't look for Wednesday weigh ins, as there won't be any from me.

Tee hee hee.

Ian gained weight this week, first time all year he's done that. We've been having so much fun celebrating my own gain we haven't really been watching what he eats, plus with the hockey playoffs and Sherry being sick, he hasn't been to the gym at all. So he's up a pound to 436.

I checked in with Amy a bit last night. She's still in hog heaven with her new place. She spends her time watching hockey games or movies on DVD. She's been thinking about getting a new video player, but she doesn't know which one yet. She's up to 524 pounds, but swears she'd be 530+ if it weren't for the stairs in their place. They're busy with work, summer's a busy season for bookings I guess. She's happy that she's only got one business to account for rather than several, since this used to be her busy time of year.

My own weight continues to climb! Now that I've blown past 500, eating seems more fun again, my appetite is something I just listen to, rather than try to figure out. My appetite has figured out that I can eat a lot if it wants to, and these days, I feel like I'm eating more than I was a few weeks ago. It could be all in my head, but it's tough to argue with 503 pounds to carry around.

Boyscout: don't think I haven't caught myself wondering what 600 pounds would feel like. I'm not planning on it, but I try to keep an open mind....

People have posted some congratulatory comments, it's only fair to give them a response.
First of all, thanks for your comments. I write this blog for myself, but I make it public in hopes of getting a response, and I love to get it, so thank you.

Second, there is an undercurrent of regret. I understand that I've got a bit of an audience who enjoys weight gain, and I'm pleased to have entertained you with my writing, I AM happy with the direction of my life, I will miss the weight, it is a big part of my life (so to speak), but there are other things for me to do, and being 500 pounds just doesn't fit with them.

Look at it this way: very few people climb a mountain to STAY at the top, a gold medal Olympic sprinter aspires to run their fastest for those 9 seconds, not their entire life, an artist makes a painting, a sculpture, a plate of food not to keep, but to give up so that they may produce their next work. In all cases, the climber, the runner, the artist, they enjoy the efforts they make, in fact, they may well live for the effort itself, rather than the goal. With the goal accomplished they may move on, they may attempt to do it again. Sometimes attaining the same goal can be sweeter than the first time, sometimes it is a very dull exercise, and sometimes they realise that once the goal is accomplished, maybe the effort wasn't worth it.

I feel that the goal of 500 pounds itself... well, reaching 500 isn't all that special in and of itself. It's the effort that I've enjoyed, the process of eating, of gaining weight, of subsuming my lifestyle to this process. Like the runner, I'm ready to let in other things that mean I just can't put forth the dedicated effort required. Like the climber, I'm not sure that I can endure the process again. And like the artist, it is time to set aside my accomplishment and focus on something else.

In other words, don't feel bad for me. I'm happy, and simply existing at 500 pounds, for the sake of being 500 pounds would not satisfy me. If you want to read about me gaining weight, try going back a few years and read again. Leave a comment on an old post, I still get those comments, and I'll respond to them. Email me, ask questions, I have had this experience and I think it's pretty obvious I'd love to share it. I'm just ready for something else.

Huge:
500 isn't the best time of my life, though it's certainly high on my list, and will always be special to me. It's a far cry from being the worst of times! Taking the time to BE 500 pounds, rather than worrying about reaching it, is quite incredible. Once I'm on Sherry's diet and exercise regime, then we can talk about 'worst of times'. I'm going to be 500+ for a little while, we haven't quite worked that out yet. In fact, I'm not in any hurry to set a time table.

Jay:
Thanks. It's funny, the goal of 500 pounds sort of just happened. Without it, it's tough to say what would've happened. I am a goal oriented person, and without a weight gain goal, I might've just kept gaining, like I did a few years ago, and be rather miserable with it. Back then, the idea of wanting to be over 400 pounds... it wasn't for me, but somehow having the goal has made it that much more exciting for me. There is still part of me that can't believe I'd even consider it, much less do it!

And I will be enjoying it for at least a couple of months I think.

Like em Big:
I'm not losing what I've worked for. In many ways, it was the 'work' itself that I truly enjoyed, and no matter what happens from here out, I've had the experience of being 500 pounds, that won't get taken away or 'lost'. Yes, I will lose the weight, but look at it this way: it leaves room for me to gain weight again! I might not be planning on it, but I certainly can't rule it out entirely. After all, when I was 460 pounds a few years ago, I vowed to never get that big again, and, well, that didn't stick, did it?

As for Ian's thoughts, he's certainly conflicted. He's quite open about enjoying big girls, and he's loved my weight as much as me, probably more. He realises that this is something I'm going to do, with or without him, and he'd much rather that I did it with him, he loves me more than my fat, just as I love him more than his fat. We're going to do this together (just as it was a collaborative effort to get me this big), so he's looking forward to it. In the mean time, he's enjoying my fat as much as he can, and so am I.

Forglum:
Wonder no more ;-)

I'm not exactly sure what I wished for. Part of this experience was to just see what it's like. I've certainly attained that wish. I know what being 500+ pounds feels like, and I know what it's like to get here.

Now, if you want to get nitpicky, is this what I EXPECTED? More or less, yes, I guess so. If I'd set this goal when I was a 110 pound teenager, no, I wouldn't have known what I was in store for, but the goal of 500 pounds came when I had already gained a considerable amount of weight. I was a little worried that it might feel like I used to, but I decided that was as much a frame of mind as anything, so, being more open to the experience, I did get to feel what I expected to feel. What surprises me the most isn't so much how it feels, but how it appears to me, visually. I can't get used to looking down and seeing so much! Or I'm still surprised when I catch myself in a full length mirror, especially next to someone who I thought looked fat until seeing them right next to me (or, in front of me, leaving me clearly visible on either side!)

Well, it has been a few days of life on the 500+ side, so I guess it's time to really get into it.

First off, the changes aren't drastic, I didn't really expect them to be, but in the back of your head, sometimes you expect a ray of light to open up direct from heaven or something. I was smiling ear to ear when the scale showed 501, but no cherubic choir singing in the background.

It is also a weight off my shoulders, I'm not a goal oriented person precisely because I am a goal oriented person. When I set my sights on something, it can completely consume my life trying to achieve those goals, and they often come at a price. Since I've come to realise this, I try to live life a little more day by day and avoid setting goals, no matter what they might mean to me. This goal has consumed my life, and while it's been a lot of fun, it's been hanging over me. Now that I've reached 500 pounds, I can really enjoy it, the last few pounds have been good, but just not enough. Not it's enough, and now, it's time to just... time to be fat.

That's a key phrase, now that I see it. I've spent my time GETTING fat. It's not the same as BEING fat. Getting fat I count calories, make decisions based on how much energy I'm going to spend, but being fat, that's gone. Food is just food, going for a walk is just something to do.

Being 500 pounds is a mental thing as much as a physical thing. I'm certainly more comfortable with myself now than I was a few years ago at 460 pounds. When I was 460 I didn't really want to be, but with this, it's more on my own terms, so while my body is bigger, tougher to shop more, more unwieldy than ever before, it's my body, and it's what I've wanted.

And I am big! I fill my peripheral vision, from boobs and belly in front to my shoulders and arms to the side, practically everywhere I look I see me. Even though I'm a sea in my own eyes, I can't see how far I go, not really. My belly is there, sure, but my hips and my bum really stick out, and I just can't see them, not without some real contortions! I do have a mental map of how much space I take up, so I'm not really crashing and smashing about, but stopping to realise how much of the couch, the bed, or the space in my car that I'm taking up, it's still impressive.

Unwieldy is something else I've come to expect being. I let Ian take care of a lot of chores as a lifestyle choice. He's happy to let me save my energy, and I was certainly happy to let him do so. Now that I don't need to save my energy, things that I haven't really done, I'm not sure I can really do. I tried laundry, reaching into the washer is uncomfortable, and reaching into the dryer is an exercise in balance I wasn't up to. I ended up just sitting on the ground to do it. Luckily getting up from the ground isn't so big a deal, that's how I play with Paul!

I still get around okay. We live in an apartment, it's a long haul to the elevator, and I always enjoy going to the park, regardless of lifestyle choices.

Going forward things are going to become easier, and while that will be nice, there's a part of me that truly enjoys this feeling of magnitude that only comes from being this big. I will always remember it, but even memories aren't the same as day to day living.

We haven't quite decided on a course of action for now. I'm in a rhythm, it will take work to get out of it, motivation to control my appetite, effort to, well, make sure I make an effort to do more.

I've just completed my last goal though, it's time to enjoy life before I set my next goal.

It's time to be Fat Char.