MsCezanne's Odyssey

Well, it's my first official weigh in since deciding to gain weight again. It's nice when the scale is your friend and not your enemy! Not that I hated gaining before, but since I was hoping to lose weight I did cringe a little bit everytime I hopped up and saw a bigger number. Now it's different, now those bigger numbers are what I'm aiming for, and it was nice to see.

Now that I am gaining, rather than just getting fatter, I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with my body. Things haven't changed all that much, but I've just been feeling warmer, softer and just more content now that I'm in control, rather than just along for the ride. Ian's been very helpful keeping my tummy full, and Sherry has been very nice too when she visits. We still go on our walks, but now she'll suggest I sit down for a few minutes while she goes off on a brisk jaunt by herself. It makes the whole thing a lot easier on me, and it feels better for her, not having to stay at my pace the whole time.

Ian: 544
Me: 434
Difference: 110

Today was the first day that I let Sherry really watch me eat. Obviously she's seen me eat before, but not like this! We did a quick run to the store, I bought a bunch of crap, some healthy stuff, and stuff to make dinner (which we had for lunch). She got to see me at work in the kitchen, she got to see me at work planted on the couch enjoying a good extended gorge.

She was impressed, but not all that surprised. She had seen Ian go a few times, and she's seen Amy go too. It was the first time seeing me do it though. She really can tell that I enjoyed it, and she's looking forward to seeing me work in the kitchen again.

Sometimes life just doesn't do what you're expecting. We like to call those surprises. Some can be good, some can be bad, and some are certainly more surprising than others.

I was surprised to learn that Shelley is... supporting my choice to gain weight. I was expecting a bit of conflict from her on the issue. I was sure she'd let it go, she certainly is into fitness, but she also knows me well enough that she's not going to preach to me either. I guess she knows me well enough to know that when my mind's made up, there's not a lot of discussion left. (I hope I don't sound too closed minded, lol.)

Since she didn't hang around too much while Ian was gaining, getting closer to him when she started working on his diet and exercise, she really doesn't know what it's like, and I think that's part of what has made her so interested in my own gaining. She sees it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to see something so bizarre first hand, who am I to disagree with her?

We're not sure if she'll 'participate' at all. For sure she's not going to gain herself, she has a career as a nutritionist to consider, and we both know that not many people are going to pay top dollar for a fat nutritionist.

So, besides that, been eating like crazy, and loving every second of it ;-)

Okay, maybe it was a little more than a light snack. Maybe it was like an evening long food fest. Okay, no maybe.

It's been a while since I've seen Amy, and the word that best describes her now is 'wide'. Sure, you could also use 'happy', 'fat', 'beautiful', 'hungry', but when she first came into our apartment, I was taken aback at just how wide she's become. Her BMI is now larger than Ian's ever was. Add that to the fact that she accumulates her weight in her hips and thighs, that leads to a very wide woman.

In fact, she weighed in at 490 pounds! At the size she's at, it's tough to guess, I figured she was closer to 480, so I was pretty close I guess. She does handle her weight well, better than I'd been thinking. She seems to have gotten a little more used to it lately, so while she's not fast, she has lost that awkward quality she once had. When she's moving, there's a little more sense of purpose, like she's in control of her body. Previously I'd gotten the feeling that her body was in control of her.

When it comes to eating, it's pretty clear that her tummy's the one in charge though. I've been eating with Amy for a long time, but yesterday was different. I've really accepted that I'm going to be gaining weight for the near future, and I feel a little like I've let the beast out of the cage. May appetite has become insatiable (and I know this word better than most!) and Amy still manages to eat more. I feel like if I were to eat constantly for 24 hours, she'd find a way to eat constantly for 36 hours. Being with her, and letting go, there is a little rivalry. It's unspoken, it's friendly, but whoever eats that last piece of pizza is the winner.

Ian was having a great evening. I suspect that his wildest dreams just might include watching a couple of massive women eating until they can't move. He was buzzing around the apartment, keeping us well fed, keeping us comfortable, and keeping the place clean. If we'd asked him to serve us green cheese from the moon, I think he would have.

Comparing Ian and Amy, one getting smaller, one getting bigger, is a lot of fun. You can tell straight off, just by looking, that both of them are very happy with the way things are going for them. Ian's enjoying his increased energy, and Amy's enjoying her increased mass. It wasn't long ago when Ian dwarfed her, and while he's still about 60 pounds bigger, and half a foot taller, she does seem to be bigger. Her round hips go a long way to that illusion. Her slower gait, her rounded features and her tendency to eat constantly also add to the effect.

I couldn't sleep last night, I was just so excited! I'm going to get fat, really fat! I'm going to eat and eat, and I'm going to get fat like Ian!

I still don't know how big I'll get, but the idea of being 500 pounds is the thought that kept rolling around my head last night. By the time I get to 500 pounds, I will be bigger than Ian.

My appetite has already responded too. Like I said, I couldn't sleep last night, so I was up, I had some cookies, I had some chips, and I had some fruit and yogurt. Already this morning I had oatmeal with Ian, finished off the yogurt, had some waffles, finished off the chips and had some ice cream. I'm working on some fruit, and will have to head out when Paul gets up.

There was a time in our relationship when Ian was twice my size.
There was a time in our relationship when Ian and I were the same size. In face, I was about the size I am now then.
There was a time in my relationship when I was 150 pounds bigger than Ian.

Currently Ian is 115 pounds bigger than me. The gap is shrinking fast, and I'm enjoying that. The fact of the matter is... while I've been this big before, we're interested in trying it again. Baby plans are on hold, I'm going to gain the weight.

We're not sure how much I'll gain yet. The tentative plan is to match our weights and then see what happens.

I know this is right. Why?

Because I'm scared of it. Anytime I do something 'scary', I love it.

I had lunch with some of the girls from work. I haven't seen a few of them since I left work last fall, and I wasn't really there long enough to get too close with them, so it was nice to get together with them for lunch.

There were a few uncomfortable minutes at lunch though. I showed up a little early, and I'm a tad bigger than I was when I was last at work (and by 'tad' I mean about 50 pounds or so). They were used to me being the biggest, but were expecting me to be smaller than I was preggo. It's not such a big deal, as long time readers have noticed, I'm certainly aware that I'm fat. It was awkward though when another girl who had a baby a few months ago joined us, and everyone fell over themselves telling her how great she looked, and then realised that they'd said nothing to me. So, of course they lied about how great they thought I looked too. It's not that I mind when people realise I'm fat, but it does bug me when they get uncomfortable about it. No one wants to hang out with uncomfortable people though!

I did make the best of it though, I ate a tonne for lunch ;-) We had a good spread of appetizers, and I graciously finished them all up whenever someone asked if 'anyone wanted any more'. I'm the only one who had dessert as well. I might not like it when people are uncomfortable, and yet, I do enjoy putting them off balance from time to time...

It's been a busy week, and yet I didn't really get much done. Amy's out of town, Sherry's out of town, so I've had a lot more time with just myself and Paul during the days. I'd hoped to do some writing, make some journal entries, but anytime I got on the computer, I just ended up chatting. I do prefer chatting to diary updates; a diary update is a chance to think, but a chat is a chance to think with feedback.

I do get feedback from the diary though. A lot of people are suggesting I go for 460 again. I'm still not sure about that, but since I'm now 430 pounds, whether I choose to or not, it's looking more and more likely!

Ian's down to 550 pounds. I'm impressed with his determination, even without Sherry here to keep him on track he seems to be pretty good at keeping himself motivated. His energy levels are way up. It's surprising how much he can get done, although I wonder if I'm just comparing him to his fatter self, and my own fatter self for energy levels. Whatever it is, he's keeping this place running smoothly, and I greatly appreciate it.

...how fat she'll get? Nobody knows!

Ian's down to 555 pounds, I'm up to 428 pounds. Even though he's still far larger than me by mass or BMI, our lives almost feel like the position is reversed. Ian's got the energy, the drive, the passion. I'm sitting on the couch stuffing my face. Even as I write this, it certainly doesn't convey that I'm enjoying it. This was the dynamic when we first fell in love, and it's been far too long since life has been this way.

Life is more complicated now than when we were first living together, but going back to those days makes me feel comfortable, makes me more able to deal with the complications, to make me secure in the decisions that I'm making on a daily basis.

It won't last forever, nothing does, especially for me. This might well be the first time I've gone back to something, and it's very nice.

I just might try to revisit 460 pounds ;-)

Dania, sorry, I sort of ran out of time writing my last entry. It seemed to make sense. It kind of does. They were general questions, I hope to answer them, but haven't given them as much thought as I'd hoped.

If you want to answer them, go ahead. I'd love to see what you think.

Nick, you're right I'm probably not cut out for immobility, but weight does change your life, your perceptions, and, to a degree, your personality. I know that Ian isn't the same guy that I met all those years ago, and the weight has been a huge instigator of change. If I gained that much weight, I just might enjoy it! There was a time I wouldn't have even dreamed of going past 130 pounds, so to say I'd 'never' go past 500, 600 or even 700 pounds seems a little presumptuous, doesn't it?

As for the rest of my update, we were back home for the long weekend, it was good to see everyone, and, like always, not nearly for long enough, and yet it was good to be back home to our quiet little lives. It really is a whirlwind when we go home, so many people to see, I never get to see enough of anyone, but I'd rather have a lot of quick visits than regret not getting to see everyone.

Nobody said much, but I could see their reactions to Ian. They can tell that he's changed, I guess if you haven't seen him for a wile the weight loss is evident, as is his increased energy level. He's still fat to me ;-)

Besides that, not too much to report.

Weight without the baby... weight without the baby. That IS a good one.

Actually, redocorating would be perfect except for a few things:
1. 'Redecorating' these days means moving objects higher and higher out of reach. Paul will rue having tall parents
2. We're still toying with the idea of getting a house. We don't want to put forth too much effort to have it undone.

I have floated the idea by Sherry though. She's trying to convince her husband to let us do it. We'll see.

So, back to something I can write about: weight without the baby.

The most I have ever weighed was around 460 pounds. As of today, I'm a mere 427 pounds. The last time I was 460 pounds was before the baby was born, even before the baby was conceived.

In fact, I'd managed to lose 200 pounds in anticipation of becoming pregnant. There were other reasons, due to comfort, due to focusing on my husband's own gain and the increased levels of activity that I wasn't capable of at 460 pounds.

While pregnant i did regain 80 pounds or so though.

And since then another 40 or so.

So, if we simply add any weight I've gained since before 460 I'd be approximately 580 (hey, bigger than Ian!). And if we assume I'd have gained 200 pounds instead of losing 200, then we could put my hypothetical weight at 780 pounds (that's bigger than Ian even dreamed!).

I don't think that's a reasonable estimate, and yet, it's not altogether impossible either, is it? I could be 780 pounds today, instead of my svelte 427.

So let's pretend. I like to play pretend. Let's pretend that I am 780 pounds. There's two questions that immediately spring to mind: how did I get so fat, and what's my daily life like?

Or we could take a more realistic approach: 460 pounds didn't suit me well. I was losing weight anyway. I wanted to get a little more out of life than 460 was letting me. I was focusing on Ian's gain more than my own loss, but they really did go well together. I'm not sure I'd have stayed at 280 or not, but I'm not sure I'd have gotten much past 300, maybe 350.

On the other hand, Ian started losing weight because of the baby. Also, his weight gain did slow down as we were preparing for the baby, and I wasn't as capable of taking care of him as I had been. Ian's weight would remain far above 600 pounds. While he wouldn't have reached 780 pounds quite yet, there is a possibility of him doing so.