Wednesday, May 29, 2002
It’s funny, by reading this diary you’d think I hate myself, my life, my boyfriend etc. That’s not true, I don’t.
I guess I just use this as a tool to get all my ‘dark feelings’ exorcised, so I can come up with healthy, constructive ways to deal with them. So they’re public, so what? Why not? Sort of gives me impetus to fix them. Also, anyone who reads them might just have something constructive to say. If I wrote all the good things, what would people say? ‘Yay’? ‘Good for you’? Fine and dandy, but that doesn’t help, does it?
Having said that, what piece of crud am I writing about this week?
Surprise, I’m writing about Ian, again.
I really MUST love him, how else could I end up with someone I find so physically repulsive. It may literally have to do with me not being a hypocrite, that if I weighed less, it would be easy for me to leave someone who looks like Ian.
Certainly, I hate to get caught up on looks. I didn’t fall in love with Ian because of his looks. And certainly, if I outweigh him by 100 pounds… I can’t really leave him because of his weight, can I?
So that assumes that if I were thinner than he was, that I would leave him.
Only one way to find out eh?
But it’s going to take a while for me to slim down. Even though he is grossly fat, I’m still 100 pounds more than he is! Even if I lose 2 pounds a week, and he gains 5 pounds a week, that would be about 3 months.
Hmmm, three months. That’s not all that long. We’ll be about 430 pounds then. That’s pretty fat still, but from then on, HE would be the fat one, and I wouldn’t be a hypocrite any more. Then I would be able to evaluate our relationship with a clear conscious.
I guess Ian has until September to get his ass in gear! Of course, that presupposes I can lose weight that fast, and Ian will continue to gain that fast. I doubt that’ll happen, so I’ll give him to October. And, I suppose a month leeway would be fair… to November. Who am I kidding? He’s got until New Year’s. But by then, if I’m NOT slimmer than he is, then there is some serious re-evaluation going on!
So what’s brought me to this? Well Ian has gotten so large he can’t use his precious scale. He’s over 350 pounds now. He’s trying to find a scale that we can both use, but they’re fucking expensive, and we’ve got other costs right now. It doesn’t help when our grocery bills seem to escalate!
I’m trying to lose weight, I really am. I hate being this big. 300 was fine for me, hell, I’d be happy at 350! But 450 is just wearing on me. My legs hurt, the clothes suck, and I’m getting a feeling like I just don’t belong. Yes, I used to enjoy the feeling of being apart from society, but this is getting ridiculous. At 300 pounds I was still eye-catchingly fat, but if I really wanted to, I could squeeze in just about anywhere I wanted. Even at 350 I wasn’t missing too much. But too many things are designed for smaller people.
Of course, trying to lose weight with Ian around is not an easy task. He’s always eating. To be fair, he picked that habit up from me! And his weight crept up as he was eating but not noticing because I was eating. Now the tables are turned. I’m sure I’m still gaining weight, but I can’t weigh in anywhere, so I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m just paranoid eh?
And Jeri continues her stunning weight loss! She’s down to 196 pounds. She’s looking good. Just kind of round now. Bulky. Not fat. She jogs, she play sports. She’s looking better than ever really. She’s not the tight little teenager she used to be, but she’s less than half my size. It wasn’t long ago I thought it would be cool to be twice her size, but that’s only 392 pounds. I’d KILL to be twice her size (one guess who I’d kill, lol, just kidding, I’d never kill). Heck, I remember when I still had MY tight little body and she was twice MY size! That’s when she was pregnant, she was absolutely HUGE, a WHALE! I’d never been friends with anyone that enormous before. She just ate and ate, it was quite a site. And she was 220 pounds. How’s that for a depressing thought? She was 220 pounds, and I thought she was impossibly large, and now I’m more than twice that size, more than 4 times my weight of just a few years ago.
So, it’s time to lose weight. I need to find a way to do it. I just want to be able to stick it to Ian on a level playing field.
Maybe I can find someway to fatten him up quicker eh? Find something… SOMETHING that helps me lose and him gain.
Stay tuned, I’ll come up with something, right?
I guess I just use this as a tool to get all my ‘dark feelings’ exorcised, so I can come up with healthy, constructive ways to deal with them. So they’re public, so what? Why not? Sort of gives me impetus to fix them. Also, anyone who reads them might just have something constructive to say. If I wrote all the good things, what would people say? ‘Yay’? ‘Good for you’? Fine and dandy, but that doesn’t help, does it?
Having said that, what piece of crud am I writing about this week?
Surprise, I’m writing about Ian, again.
I really MUST love him, how else could I end up with someone I find so physically repulsive. It may literally have to do with me not being a hypocrite, that if I weighed less, it would be easy for me to leave someone who looks like Ian.
Certainly, I hate to get caught up on looks. I didn’t fall in love with Ian because of his looks. And certainly, if I outweigh him by 100 pounds… I can’t really leave him because of his weight, can I?
So that assumes that if I were thinner than he was, that I would leave him.
Only one way to find out eh?
But it’s going to take a while for me to slim down. Even though he is grossly fat, I’m still 100 pounds more than he is! Even if I lose 2 pounds a week, and he gains 5 pounds a week, that would be about 3 months.
Hmmm, three months. That’s not all that long. We’ll be about 430 pounds then. That’s pretty fat still, but from then on, HE would be the fat one, and I wouldn’t be a hypocrite any more. Then I would be able to evaluate our relationship with a clear conscious.
I guess Ian has until September to get his ass in gear! Of course, that presupposes I can lose weight that fast, and Ian will continue to gain that fast. I doubt that’ll happen, so I’ll give him to October. And, I suppose a month leeway would be fair… to November. Who am I kidding? He’s got until New Year’s. But by then, if I’m NOT slimmer than he is, then there is some serious re-evaluation going on!
So what’s brought me to this? Well Ian has gotten so large he can’t use his precious scale. He’s over 350 pounds now. He’s trying to find a scale that we can both use, but they’re fucking expensive, and we’ve got other costs right now. It doesn’t help when our grocery bills seem to escalate!
I’m trying to lose weight, I really am. I hate being this big. 300 was fine for me, hell, I’d be happy at 350! But 450 is just wearing on me. My legs hurt, the clothes suck, and I’m getting a feeling like I just don’t belong. Yes, I used to enjoy the feeling of being apart from society, but this is getting ridiculous. At 300 pounds I was still eye-catchingly fat, but if I really wanted to, I could squeeze in just about anywhere I wanted. Even at 350 I wasn’t missing too much. But too many things are designed for smaller people.
Of course, trying to lose weight with Ian around is not an easy task. He’s always eating. To be fair, he picked that habit up from me! And his weight crept up as he was eating but not noticing because I was eating. Now the tables are turned. I’m sure I’m still gaining weight, but I can’t weigh in anywhere, so I’m not really sure. Maybe I’m just paranoid eh?
And Jeri continues her stunning weight loss! She’s down to 196 pounds. She’s looking good. Just kind of round now. Bulky. Not fat. She jogs, she play sports. She’s looking better than ever really. She’s not the tight little teenager she used to be, but she’s less than half my size. It wasn’t long ago I thought it would be cool to be twice her size, but that’s only 392 pounds. I’d KILL to be twice her size (one guess who I’d kill, lol, just kidding, I’d never kill). Heck, I remember when I still had MY tight little body and she was twice MY size! That’s when she was pregnant, she was absolutely HUGE, a WHALE! I’d never been friends with anyone that enormous before. She just ate and ate, it was quite a site. And she was 220 pounds. How’s that for a depressing thought? She was 220 pounds, and I thought she was impossibly large, and now I’m more than twice that size, more than 4 times my weight of just a few years ago.
So, it’s time to lose weight. I need to find a way to do it. I just want to be able to stick it to Ian on a level playing field.
Maybe I can find someway to fatten him up quicker eh? Find something… SOMETHING that helps me lose and him gain.
Stay tuned, I’ll come up with something, right?
// posted by Charlotte @ 2:20:00 PM 
