Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Okay, I give up.
If Ian wants to be fat, I may as well let him be fat. He won’t give it up until it’s out of his system. I guess I really should’ve known. I was the same way when Jeri wanted to lose weight.
So this leaves me with a few options.
1… I can keep up with the eating, and grow god knows how large
2… I can try to cut back, staying at whatever size I am now (can’t wait until Ian gets his new scale, the curiosity is killing me!)
3… I can try to diet. I don’t think it’ll be easy, not while Ian sits there gorging, but who knows? If I don’t try, it’ll never work, right?
And that’s just my personal options. I have to worry about if I can still love Ian. I love him now, but don’t find him all that attractive. The fact that he would do this sort of flies in my face. Can I love someone who doesn’t respect me? I don’t know. But the less attractive he is, the more our love would be tested.
Actually, that’s something of a lie. I keep telling myself that I don’t find him attractive, and when he was 300 pounds, I really didn’t. But he’s starting to grow on me, if you’ll pardon the expression. He’s 350 pounds now. And it’s weird, but I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before. I don’t know if I’m seeing something of myself, or seeing his raw passion. But there is part of me that wants to see him continue to gain weight.
To be sure, there is that wild fantasy part of me that wants him to be much larger than me. I’ve never dated a fat guy while I was skinny (I hated fat people when I was skinny!). I’m always up for new things, and THAT would be new!
Or there’s even the possibility of dating a guy fatter than me when I’m fat myself! I’ve never done that either.
For either scenario, I’ll have to lose weight, which I desperately want to do. The problem is… I can’t motivate myself to lose weight. It seems desperation isn’t enough! There’s part of me that is just enjoying it too much to give it up.
I think the next few weeks should bring about change. I know that Ian is going to be getting fatter like never before. The question is… what will happen with me?
If Ian wants to be fat, I may as well let him be fat. He won’t give it up until it’s out of his system. I guess I really should’ve known. I was the same way when Jeri wanted to lose weight.
So this leaves me with a few options.
1… I can keep up with the eating, and grow god knows how large
2… I can try to cut back, staying at whatever size I am now (can’t wait until Ian gets his new scale, the curiosity is killing me!)
3… I can try to diet. I don’t think it’ll be easy, not while Ian sits there gorging, but who knows? If I don’t try, it’ll never work, right?
And that’s just my personal options. I have to worry about if I can still love Ian. I love him now, but don’t find him all that attractive. The fact that he would do this sort of flies in my face. Can I love someone who doesn’t respect me? I don’t know. But the less attractive he is, the more our love would be tested.
Actually, that’s something of a lie. I keep telling myself that I don’t find him attractive, and when he was 300 pounds, I really didn’t. But he’s starting to grow on me, if you’ll pardon the expression. He’s 350 pounds now. And it’s weird, but I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before. I don’t know if I’m seeing something of myself, or seeing his raw passion. But there is part of me that wants to see him continue to gain weight.
To be sure, there is that wild fantasy part of me that wants him to be much larger than me. I’ve never dated a fat guy while I was skinny (I hated fat people when I was skinny!). I’m always up for new things, and THAT would be new!
Or there’s even the possibility of dating a guy fatter than me when I’m fat myself! I’ve never done that either.
For either scenario, I’ll have to lose weight, which I desperately want to do. The problem is… I can’t motivate myself to lose weight. It seems desperation isn’t enough! There’s part of me that is just enjoying it too much to give it up.
I think the next few weeks should bring about change. I know that Ian is going to be getting fatter like never before. The question is… what will happen with me?
// posted by Charlotte @ 9:15:00 AM 
