Friday, June 28, 2002
What does the future hold?
Of course, the fact that this is unknown (unknowable?) is what makes things interesting, right? The mere promise of eternal happiness being around the next corner, over the next hill, or that bottom of the next beer is what keeps people going. Well, keeps me going anyway.
The counterpoint being, since we don’t know if the next corner hides a rabid hyena, or over the next hill is an 18 wheeler with my name on it, or the bottom of the next beer is psoriasis, I’m always trying to make my own eternal happiness. If it won’t find me, I’ll find it, damnit.
So I’ve lead a life of excess. I drank a lot, I was promiscuous, I’ve done several levels of drugs, without complication. Now… I like to eat. Ironically, in and of itself, no one raises a stink if you eat. Sure, people might bug you about your specific diet; pork, red meat, candy, yellow dye #5, but for the most part, people don’t treat you like a leper if you eat. UNLESS, you’re overweight! Alcohol, drugs, sex; doing any of these, under just about any circumstance, you’ll get someone complaining. But eating… as long as you’re not fat, go ahead. Sure, people have a point, fat people can be a drain on the health system, I guess. I don’t know, I haven’t had any health problems. Maybe I’m just lucky?
Do I regret being fat? Sure, sometimes. Anytime you change your lifestyle, you’ll occasionally yearn for your old life. When I was in University, I missed high school, when I was in high school, I missed public school. Just because things have changes, just because you miss something, it doesn’t mean your new lifestyle is wrong, right? I mean, in university, if I’d gone back to public school, how would that make my life better? It wouldn’t, but there were times I missed it.
Likewise, there are times I miss being thin. Would my life be better if I were thin? I don’t think so. I’d have missed out on the last few years. Jeri and I developed a very intricate, very deep relationship, and it had to do with our eating habits. Once that relationship was played out, she changed her lifestyle. I found Ian, and we developed a new lifestyle, and I continued gaining weight. Now that I’ve topped out my weight, I’m entering a new life, where I focus on Ian’s weight.
How long can my new life go before I’m ready to move on? I don’t know. I didn’t know when I was done gaining weight until I was already too fat to do some things. It’s not like school, where you have these distinct days to tell you when something is starting or ending. There is no vacation in the middle to let you adjust how you see fit.
So, for now, Ian is going to get fatter, and I’ll be losing weight. Ian is pressuring me to start gaining weight again, but doing that would be at the expense of his weight gain. I’d be more than happy to discuss something where one week I gain, next week he gains, but I’m not sure that would work. I think my ‘fat days’ are over, and I’ll be slimming down for the next couple of years.
What does this mean for Ian? Well, it means he’ll eventually be bigger than me. Will I continue to be with someone so large? I’d like to think I love Ian more than that… but I have to be honest with myself. For a while I found his fat pretty repulsive, he might get to a stage where I’m again repulsed. What would happen then? I don’t know, but I would have to be honest with him, and with myself.
In the near future, I know Ian will get to 400 pounds. He’ll probably blow right past 400 pounds. With his height, he will probably do 500 pounds about as well as I’m doing 450 right now. Will he get to 500 and stop? Will he go past? Will he stop before that? Will I keep feeding him? I don’t know.
I am excited at the prospect of feeding Ian past 400 pounds. I can even imagine him at 500 pounds! I can even dream about a future where I’m my old skinny self, and he’s large, perhaps 600 pounds. I can see myself doting on him, which is weird, because I never thought of myself as the ‘doting’ kind! Why would I dote on him? Because at 600 pounds, he would be a work of art, unlike virtually any other person. A work of art that requires a lot of work, I don’t mind working for my art. It would take a lot of effort to keep him happy. A lot of food, I’m sure. And to keep him clean, I know that would be an effort. I know it’s a lot harder to keep myself clean than it was when I was skinny! I’m just thinking about the sex. Wouldn’t that be wild? He’d be 6 times my size! Basically immobile, sex would be completely up to me. It would be my creativity that keeps things interesting. I don’t know how I’d over come any problems. I don’t know how accessible he’d be! But just the effort of getting thins to work would be fantastic.
Of course, the fact that this is unknown (unknowable?) is what makes things interesting, right? The mere promise of eternal happiness being around the next corner, over the next hill, or that bottom of the next beer is what keeps people going. Well, keeps me going anyway.
The counterpoint being, since we don’t know if the next corner hides a rabid hyena, or over the next hill is an 18 wheeler with my name on it, or the bottom of the next beer is psoriasis, I’m always trying to make my own eternal happiness. If it won’t find me, I’ll find it, damnit.
So I’ve lead a life of excess. I drank a lot, I was promiscuous, I’ve done several levels of drugs, without complication. Now… I like to eat. Ironically, in and of itself, no one raises a stink if you eat. Sure, people might bug you about your specific diet; pork, red meat, candy, yellow dye #5, but for the most part, people don’t treat you like a leper if you eat. UNLESS, you’re overweight! Alcohol, drugs, sex; doing any of these, under just about any circumstance, you’ll get someone complaining. But eating… as long as you’re not fat, go ahead. Sure, people have a point, fat people can be a drain on the health system, I guess. I don’t know, I haven’t had any health problems. Maybe I’m just lucky?
Do I regret being fat? Sure, sometimes. Anytime you change your lifestyle, you’ll occasionally yearn for your old life. When I was in University, I missed high school, when I was in high school, I missed public school. Just because things have changes, just because you miss something, it doesn’t mean your new lifestyle is wrong, right? I mean, in university, if I’d gone back to public school, how would that make my life better? It wouldn’t, but there were times I missed it.
Likewise, there are times I miss being thin. Would my life be better if I were thin? I don’t think so. I’d have missed out on the last few years. Jeri and I developed a very intricate, very deep relationship, and it had to do with our eating habits. Once that relationship was played out, she changed her lifestyle. I found Ian, and we developed a new lifestyle, and I continued gaining weight. Now that I’ve topped out my weight, I’m entering a new life, where I focus on Ian’s weight.
How long can my new life go before I’m ready to move on? I don’t know. I didn’t know when I was done gaining weight until I was already too fat to do some things. It’s not like school, where you have these distinct days to tell you when something is starting or ending. There is no vacation in the middle to let you adjust how you see fit.
So, for now, Ian is going to get fatter, and I’ll be losing weight. Ian is pressuring me to start gaining weight again, but doing that would be at the expense of his weight gain. I’d be more than happy to discuss something where one week I gain, next week he gains, but I’m not sure that would work. I think my ‘fat days’ are over, and I’ll be slimming down for the next couple of years.
What does this mean for Ian? Well, it means he’ll eventually be bigger than me. Will I continue to be with someone so large? I’d like to think I love Ian more than that… but I have to be honest with myself. For a while I found his fat pretty repulsive, he might get to a stage where I’m again repulsed. What would happen then? I don’t know, but I would have to be honest with him, and with myself.
In the near future, I know Ian will get to 400 pounds. He’ll probably blow right past 400 pounds. With his height, he will probably do 500 pounds about as well as I’m doing 450 right now. Will he get to 500 and stop? Will he go past? Will he stop before that? Will I keep feeding him? I don’t know.
I am excited at the prospect of feeding Ian past 400 pounds. I can even imagine him at 500 pounds! I can even dream about a future where I’m my old skinny self, and he’s large, perhaps 600 pounds. I can see myself doting on him, which is weird, because I never thought of myself as the ‘doting’ kind! Why would I dote on him? Because at 600 pounds, he would be a work of art, unlike virtually any other person. A work of art that requires a lot of work, I don’t mind working for my art. It would take a lot of effort to keep him happy. A lot of food, I’m sure. And to keep him clean, I know that would be an effort. I know it’s a lot harder to keep myself clean than it was when I was skinny! I’m just thinking about the sex. Wouldn’t that be wild? He’d be 6 times my size! Basically immobile, sex would be completely up to me. It would be my creativity that keeps things interesting. I don’t know how I’d over come any problems. I don’t know how accessible he’d be! But just the effort of getting thins to work would be fantastic.
// posted by Charlotte @ 1:35:00 PM 
