MsCezanne's Odyssey

All good things must come to an end.

I’m not really sure what I should be feeling.

I know I’m feeling disappointed.

I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling disappointed, so I’ll just keep writing until I can nail it down.

I’ve really enjoyed the last month, doing what I can to help Ian with his pursuit of weight gain. I didn’t mind doing most of the chores, most of the cooking. I have no idea what came over me, but it was important to help him focus on his quest. Maybe I’m disappointed that it was his decision to stop, and not mine.

Maybe I feel there is more work to be done!

I was also starting to think that he would become bigger than me quickly. I know that I’ve enjoyed my size, I’ve enjoyed eating well, but I’m tired of being the fattest person I know. I was looking forward to Ian taking that mantle from me. I’m sure he’ll still do it, but what if I start regaining weight?

What if I do start regaining weight? I have lost weight while focusing on Ian, that weight could just pile right back on if things go back to ‘normal’. Certainly I was gaining weight before Ian started this binge. I don’t want to go back to that ‘normal’. I don’t want to be more than 450 pounds again. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I don’t have the T-Shirt, they don’t make them that big!

Maybe I just need something else to fill my time. I should start working on Amanda’s mural, that would occupy me, give a little meaning to my spirit. Certainly I don’t want a dark cloud hanging over me when I paint her room, I know it would show up. I’d hate to put some depressing mural on her wall just because I’m all messed up.

Hmmmm… I still haven’t hit on it yet.

I think that I’m missing something. This last month has given me more purpose than I’ve ever felt, I’m not ready to give it up, not yet. But what can I do? Ian doesn’t want to eat that much any more. I certainly don’t want to eat that much any more.

I don’t know what I’ll do just yet.

I hope I think of it soon, I hate this feeling I’ve got now!

So what are my thoughts on this past month?
I’ve absolutely loved watching Ian gain weight. He’s put so much effort into it, watching him eating, enjoying himself, all of it was very nice to see. Seeing him growing bigger, watching as he waddles around the apartment, through the mall, across the parking lot, watching as he struggles to get up from the couch, discover that he can’t put on a pair of pants, realise his seatbelt won’t fit. I’ve enjoyed all of that; enjoyed as he changed but the world stayed the same and he had to learn it.

I’ve gotten chills just staring at him as he snoozed on the couch, his large stomach hanging over the cushions. I’ve admired him as he slept, his enormous guy rhythmically moving up and down. I’ve adored watching him shower, as he tries to find new ways to reach places that weren’t a problem just a few short months ago. I’ve secretly watched as he inspects himself: hefting his considerable belly, exploring his rounded cheeks and doubled chin. I thrill when I see him try to examine his behind. There is no feeling to describe when I can see that look on his face, that look that says to me ‘Oh my god, I didn’t realise that I was this big! I can’t believe how much I’ve changed!’ It’s the closest thing to pure joy.

Of course I’ll miss seeing him eat. He doesn’t always just shovel it back. With my better creations he takes his time. He savours it, he asks if I can make him more so he can enjoy it longer. Just the expressions, the enjoyment, the pure pleasure he can take in such a poetically simple act as taking a bite of dinner. I’m going to miss that.

But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.