Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Just thinking about Ian today.
I really do love him. I’ve only other person I’ve ever loved before was Jeri. Well, I love Amanda too, but it’s not the same.
If you took the me of, oh, 5 years ago, and introduced her to the Ian of today, she would have nothing to do with him, I don’t think. She was still thin, she would never date a fat guy.
Heck, even if you take me now, all 440 pounds of me, and introduce me to the Ian of today, I’m not sure I could look past his fat! I know it’s hypocritical, but fat guys just don’t do it for me.
Fortunately I’ve gotten to know Ian as he got fat, so I’ve been able to see past the fat. He’s very smart, very quick witted. I like that in someone. He’s very determined, and firmly believes in what he believes. But he’s also open minded. Just because he believes something, doesn’t mean he can’t be convinced he’s wrong. It might take a lot of convincing sometimes, but it can be done.
When he becomes interested in something, he puts his whole self into it. His car, his work, his computer, his relationships and, yes, his eating. It’s rare to find someone so passionate. Even rarer to find someone who is so unapologetic for it. He knows what he likes, if you don’t, then keep out of his way.
It’s easy to admire someone who is smart and driven. I love to debate with him, he’s very good at it, and always learning to improve his technique.
But admiration is but a part of ‘love’.
Ian also does what he can to help me see my own admirable traits. He always supports my art, finding the good in my bad paintings. He is never without compliments for how I look, how I’m dressed or how I’m carrying myself. He’s always there if he senses anything is wrong, even the times that I think I want to be alone. He’ll quietly listen to my problems. Sometimes he’ll make me so angry by taking the other guy’s side, but he’ll show me how I was wrong. I’m always learning from him. Because of Ian, not only am I a better person, but I KNOW that I’m a better person.
And then there’s Ian’s fat. It’s funny, I love Ian’s fat. I love Ian being fat, I love Ian getting fat, I love Ian loving his fat.
And yet, I still have this little place crammed in the back of my brain that hates fat guys. This little, mean, twisted piece of my mind shouts out that he’s not in shape, he doesn’t care about himself, he looks absurd. I hate this little corner of darkness, but I cannot truthfully deny that it is there.
But fat Ian is somehow different. He does care about himself. He does not look absurd. He has such a self love that I cannot deny feeling it in myself. I love Ian’s body because Ian loves his body. Every pound, every roll, every ripple is Ian’s testament to himself. Every fold, every jiggle, every ounce is just more about him for me to love.
One day I will crush that virulent doubt in my brain.
One day I will love Ian with every fibre of my mind, body and soul.
That day cannot come soon enough.
I really do love him. I’ve only other person I’ve ever loved before was Jeri. Well, I love Amanda too, but it’s not the same.
If you took the me of, oh, 5 years ago, and introduced her to the Ian of today, she would have nothing to do with him, I don’t think. She was still thin, she would never date a fat guy.
Heck, even if you take me now, all 440 pounds of me, and introduce me to the Ian of today, I’m not sure I could look past his fat! I know it’s hypocritical, but fat guys just don’t do it for me.
Fortunately I’ve gotten to know Ian as he got fat, so I’ve been able to see past the fat. He’s very smart, very quick witted. I like that in someone. He’s very determined, and firmly believes in what he believes. But he’s also open minded. Just because he believes something, doesn’t mean he can’t be convinced he’s wrong. It might take a lot of convincing sometimes, but it can be done.
When he becomes interested in something, he puts his whole self into it. His car, his work, his computer, his relationships and, yes, his eating. It’s rare to find someone so passionate. Even rarer to find someone who is so unapologetic for it. He knows what he likes, if you don’t, then keep out of his way.
It’s easy to admire someone who is smart and driven. I love to debate with him, he’s very good at it, and always learning to improve his technique.
But admiration is but a part of ‘love’.
Ian also does what he can to help me see my own admirable traits. He always supports my art, finding the good in my bad paintings. He is never without compliments for how I look, how I’m dressed or how I’m carrying myself. He’s always there if he senses anything is wrong, even the times that I think I want to be alone. He’ll quietly listen to my problems. Sometimes he’ll make me so angry by taking the other guy’s side, but he’ll show me how I was wrong. I’m always learning from him. Because of Ian, not only am I a better person, but I KNOW that I’m a better person.
And then there’s Ian’s fat. It’s funny, I love Ian’s fat. I love Ian being fat, I love Ian getting fat, I love Ian loving his fat.
And yet, I still have this little place crammed in the back of my brain that hates fat guys. This little, mean, twisted piece of my mind shouts out that he’s not in shape, he doesn’t care about himself, he looks absurd. I hate this little corner of darkness, but I cannot truthfully deny that it is there.
But fat Ian is somehow different. He does care about himself. He does not look absurd. He has such a self love that I cannot deny feeling it in myself. I love Ian’s body because Ian loves his body. Every pound, every roll, every ripple is Ian’s testament to himself. Every fold, every jiggle, every ounce is just more about him for me to love.
One day I will crush that virulent doubt in my brain.
One day I will love Ian with every fibre of my mind, body and soul.
That day cannot come soon enough.
// posted by Charlotte @ 3:29:00 PM 
