MsCezanne's Odyssey

Not much has changed in a week.

I’m just looking back at my last post. Still feel that way. Need to shake things up, but no idea how.

Maybe I’ll start applying for new jobs.

I guess that never hurts.

I have no idea what kind of job I want now. I’m sure I’ll find something.

It’s not that I hate working here. Quite the opposite… hmm, not opposite. I’m just ambivalent about working here. I like the guys I work with. But the challenge isn’t there anymore. Besides, I know the owner would like to put someone a wee bit slimmer at the front desk. He’s been polite about it (the last few months anyway), but I know what he wants. I ALSO know that it has like zero affect on his business, as a matter of fact, I think business is better the bigger I get.

Of course, that’s just my gut feeling, but how can you argue with such a huge gut?

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Jeri and Amanda, getting their place sorted out just so. Jeri’s sweet, but she has no idea how to set things up. Of course James is a guy, so he could care less! Amanda likes spending the time with me, and she loves to imitate the way I look around to get things ‘just so’. Of course, she ends up making a mess, but it’s still cute.

Ian’s still great to me. I’ve never known a guy this long and never had any problems. Well, we have had problems, of course, but obviously nothing to break us up. I wonder if that means my standards have lowered, or, more likely, I’ve found someone with whom I have a mutual balance… I can stand him more than I can’t stand him, and he with me!

We don’t argue as much as we used to. I do kind of miss that, nothing let getting your passions inflamed to get your passions inflamed. Maybe I’ll pick a fight with him tonight. I’ll tell him that 412 pounds is too fat, I loved him much more at… oh… 393. I wonder if he’d lose weight now if I asked him to? I wonder if I’d like him more or less if he did?

Maybe I’ll try to lose some weight again. It’s funny, I don’t really mind that I’ve hit 450 again. I don’t know what’s changed since last time. Of course, Ian is bigger than last time, there’s little difference between us now. Jeri has been gaining weight. That might be it. I never really resented her losing weight, I enjoyed the prospect of being bigger. But maybe at some level I did. We spent a long time as thin friends, I was always proud to be slimmer than her, so now that she’s slim and I’m not, it must eat away at my inner child or something. Now that she’s gaining weight, it’s okay for me to be big again.

Or maybe it’s just the weather. The evenings have been so nice, just driving home from Jeri’s is calming.

James bar-b-cues a lot. I’m sure that’s why Jeri is gaining weight (probably me too). I know he actually preferred Jeri when she was ‘full sized’. But they’re so much in love that he doesn’t really care how she looks, and he knows that she longs to be her former fit self.

I don’t know for sure if Ian would accept me at 110 pounds or not. I’m not sure it’s important to know that. Of course, since it’s not an issue that will come any time soon, I don’t have to worry about it.

I’ve been thinking about Joanne a lot lately. I haven’t seen her in years. I wonder how she’s doing. I wonder how she looks. I really wonder what she’d think of me now! I would guess she’s gained a little more weight. I can easily see her at 250 pounds, maybe even 300. She never liked her weight, but she never did anything about it either. She might have found someone who did like her size, or someone like Ian who wanted to see her bigger. God, imagine if she was over 400 pounds like me? She’d absolutely dwarf me! Wouldn’t that be something? Two 400+ redheads? One 5’10”, the other 6’3”? I’ve looked for her online, but her name is way too common. Maybe I should toss in the word ‘fat’. I could get lucky!