Tuesday, May 27, 2003
I had a dream last night that I was my old self.
Hmm. I guess I need to qualify that, as there are now two ‘old selves’. One old self would be when I was skinny. And the other old self was when I was fat. Well, since I’m still fat, it would be when I was really fat, 460 lbs fat.
Okay, from now on ‘my skinny self’ means ‘my old self several years ago when I was 110 lbs’, and ‘my fat self’ refers to the end of 2002 when I was 460 pounds. And ‘myself’ refers to how much I weigh when I wrote ‘myself’. For example, myself is now 418 pounds. Still fat, but not ‘my fat self’.
Now that that’s clear (yeah, right), I had a dream last night that I was my fat self. It wasn’t all that much of a dream, just me living out an afternoon of how I used to live. I was on the couch watching something on TV (I think it was something about Manet, which is weird, there’s never anything about him on TV!) I was also, of course, eating. I don’t remember exactly what I was eating, but I ate lots of it.
Eventually Amy came out to see what I was doing, and the dream became a third person, fly-on-the-wall dream. She was her ‘old self’ (that is, how I remember her from high school: tiny), so the contrast between me and her was drastic, to say the least.
At this point I became suddenly aware of just how large I was, and suddenly felt weighed down. I tried to get up to see what Amy wanted me to see, but it was a huge effort, so I just told her I’d see it later.
Then Ian brought me out a tray of something (chocolate, I think), and proceeded to feed them to me. Ian, by the way, was his skinny self. Actually, I think it might have been Thomas, but Ian. Like Ian with Thomas’s body, which he never had, but dreams are weird this way.
At which point I woke up, startled to be myself.
Now, when I was gaining weight, I had lots of dreams where I was skinny, so maybe now that I’ve finally lost enough weight to feel the difference, I’ll be having dreams where I’m fatter?
Or maybe my subconscious misses those days of indulgence, maybe I’m due for something like that.
I’ll think about it, or not, and see where I am in a few days.
I’ll be seeing Ian again this weekend, it’s Jeri’s birthday, maybe we’ll find something to occupy my mind!
Hmm. I guess I need to qualify that, as there are now two ‘old selves’. One old self would be when I was skinny. And the other old self was when I was fat. Well, since I’m still fat, it would be when I was really fat, 460 lbs fat.
Okay, from now on ‘my skinny self’ means ‘my old self several years ago when I was 110 lbs’, and ‘my fat self’ refers to the end of 2002 when I was 460 pounds. And ‘myself’ refers to how much I weigh when I wrote ‘myself’. For example, myself is now 418 pounds. Still fat, but not ‘my fat self’.
Now that that’s clear (yeah, right), I had a dream last night that I was my fat self. It wasn’t all that much of a dream, just me living out an afternoon of how I used to live. I was on the couch watching something on TV (I think it was something about Manet, which is weird, there’s never anything about him on TV!) I was also, of course, eating. I don’t remember exactly what I was eating, but I ate lots of it.
Eventually Amy came out to see what I was doing, and the dream became a third person, fly-on-the-wall dream. She was her ‘old self’ (that is, how I remember her from high school: tiny), so the contrast between me and her was drastic, to say the least.
At this point I became suddenly aware of just how large I was, and suddenly felt weighed down. I tried to get up to see what Amy wanted me to see, but it was a huge effort, so I just told her I’d see it later.
Then Ian brought me out a tray of something (chocolate, I think), and proceeded to feed them to me. Ian, by the way, was his skinny self. Actually, I think it might have been Thomas, but Ian. Like Ian with Thomas’s body, which he never had, but dreams are weird this way.
At which point I woke up, startled to be myself.
Now, when I was gaining weight, I had lots of dreams where I was skinny, so maybe now that I’ve finally lost enough weight to feel the difference, I’ll be having dreams where I’m fatter?
Or maybe my subconscious misses those days of indulgence, maybe I’m due for something like that.
I’ll think about it, or not, and see where I am in a few days.
I’ll be seeing Ian again this weekend, it’s Jeri’s birthday, maybe we’ll find something to occupy my mind!
// posted by Charlotte @ 12:40:00 PM 
