Thursday, June 12, 2003
Sometimes I wish I could have parallel lives.
One life that is my ‘real life’, and then a backup lift (or two or three) where I can choose to do something stupid, and see where it goes. Even though the choice is stupid, and I know that it’s not good for me long term, I’d love to be able to enjoy the short term joy that it brings.
What brings on this introspection? Certainly nothing in specific, but a building of regrets. I know, I try not to live with regret. Whenever I have a choice, I’ll usually taking doing something over doing nothing. The real problems are choosing between two (or more) courses of action.
For example, I’ve chosen to lose weight instead of keeping my eating and lifestyle habits. It’s got it’s ups and downs. I miss eating like I used to. I miss cooking great meals, and looking forward to what I can concoct next. I miss the feelings I would get as I gained weight; the sensations of new flesh, new balance, a new world with every bite of food.
And yet, I’m looking forward to being a little more ‘normal’. Being able to go to any restaurant I want, or sitting comfortably at the movies, shopping at the mall instead of choosing between one or two stores.
I wish I could do both of those.
Or Thomas. I’ve been spending time with him, and it’s a lot of fun. I would rather spend time with Ian, of course, but I feel like I’m missing something. I’d like to know what I was missing. What if I would in fact be happier with Thomas in my life instead of Ian? How can I know?
And yet, if I were to pursue that, how do I know that I would have a better life with Thomas? I know what I’ve got with Ian, and I’m certain that it will lead to a good life, and I have no such guarantees with Thomas, is a week’s fun worth a lifetime of wishing I’d kept what I had?
And my job, what if I wanted to do something else, somewhere else? Will it have a future, would I enjoy it more? Would I have a job that suited my lifestyle, instead of a lifestyle that suits my job?
I know, the mystery of what all these decisions leads to is what makes life exciting. I love excitement, and without it, I’m not so sure that I’d be all that interested in life. But, what about a break?! One day, free of consequence, where I can do whatever I want, without the excitement.
One life that is my ‘real life’, and then a backup lift (or two or three) where I can choose to do something stupid, and see where it goes. Even though the choice is stupid, and I know that it’s not good for me long term, I’d love to be able to enjoy the short term joy that it brings.
What brings on this introspection? Certainly nothing in specific, but a building of regrets. I know, I try not to live with regret. Whenever I have a choice, I’ll usually taking doing something over doing nothing. The real problems are choosing between two (or more) courses of action.
For example, I’ve chosen to lose weight instead of keeping my eating and lifestyle habits. It’s got it’s ups and downs. I miss eating like I used to. I miss cooking great meals, and looking forward to what I can concoct next. I miss the feelings I would get as I gained weight; the sensations of new flesh, new balance, a new world with every bite of food.
And yet, I’m looking forward to being a little more ‘normal’. Being able to go to any restaurant I want, or sitting comfortably at the movies, shopping at the mall instead of choosing between one or two stores.
I wish I could do both of those.
Or Thomas. I’ve been spending time with him, and it’s a lot of fun. I would rather spend time with Ian, of course, but I feel like I’m missing something. I’d like to know what I was missing. What if I would in fact be happier with Thomas in my life instead of Ian? How can I know?
And yet, if I were to pursue that, how do I know that I would have a better life with Thomas? I know what I’ve got with Ian, and I’m certain that it will lead to a good life, and I have no such guarantees with Thomas, is a week’s fun worth a lifetime of wishing I’d kept what I had?
And my job, what if I wanted to do something else, somewhere else? Will it have a future, would I enjoy it more? Would I have a job that suited my lifestyle, instead of a lifestyle that suits my job?
I know, the mystery of what all these decisions leads to is what makes life exciting. I love excitement, and without it, I’m not so sure that I’d be all that interested in life. But, what about a break?! One day, free of consequence, where I can do whatever I want, without the excitement.
// posted by Charlotte @ 1:40:00 PM 
