MsCezanne's Odyssey

Yikes

Okay, I know I told Ian that I would marry him.

And I know that we decided to wait to have kids until I got down to around 300 pounds.

And I know that we decided to be old fashioned and start trying for kids on the honeymoon.

Well, Ian has figured that I’ll be 300 pounds by next May or June, so if we want a wedding, we really need to start planning it NOW.

I’m not ready to plan a wedding.

It’s been years since I fantasised about my wedding. I was still SKINNY the last time I gave it any serious thought!

Why? I don’t know, I’ve been engaged for 10 months now, I should have given it a little thought eh?

Where will we do it? Who’s going to come? Where will we go for the honeymoon? What will I wear? What will Ian wear? How do we figure that out when we know that we’re going to change between now and then!?

And that’s the easy stuff! Flowers, music, photographer, seating arrangement, invitations. There’s more, I know there is.

I’m not ready for that. Not yet.

But it’s what I promised to do.

So…

Fuck.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when I have to know what to do. Or what I want to do.

It’s not cold feet. I do want to marry Ian. And I want it to be right.

I just can’t imagine myself at 300 pounds so soon!

But he’s right, I’ve been doing pretty good at losing weight. Of course, if we set a date, I’ll probably gain 100 pounds right back.

I’ll think about it.

I know it’s going to happen. I guess it may as well be sooner rather than later!