Thursday, January 08, 2004
Weight Loss
Weight Loss
Losing weight, to me, is an incredibly complex matter. One thing about complex matters, they’re virtually impossible to put into words. I could write an entire volume about weight loss (as many people have), and it won’t make sense to anyone, because there are feelings, thoughts, sensations, dreams, nightmares and other intangibles that just defy being expressed in English.
What’s more, I’ve lost 120 pounds in one year. 120 pounds! Many people struggle their entire life and don’t lose that much. Other people spend their entire life weighing less than 120 pounds. I don’t know how I could possibly express my feelings in a way that those people would understand. I wish I could.
Like many people, I see myself as unique. I pride myself on being unfathomable, even though intellectually I know there are many people who are going to be able to understand any given aspect of my psyche. So I always wonder if I’m searching to find someone who understands, or if I’m hoping to find someone who can understand, or if I am really and truly hoping to confuse the hell out of people. Seems like I’m rambling? Trust me, this is related to my weight!
If my experiences as a teenaged girl mean anything, there are a lot of people who hate fat. The thought of their bodies becoming engrossed with fat is as scary as kissing a snake covered with spiders. These people have no compassion for people who are fat. They hate people who are fat, and come up with reasons to hate them: lazy, sick, greedy. And god forbid these people become fat. They are filled with self-loathing for being lazy, sick or greedy. They cannot be happy in this state, and are prepared to assume the entire world shares their view.
I was one of these people. If someone had told me when I was 14 that on my 28th birthday I would weigh 460 pounds, I’d have laughed. If someone could prove I would be, suicide would have been a very possible option. Luckily I changed (or else this diary would have ended depressingly a year ago!)
Why I changed is certainly quite a long story in and of itself. Let’s just skip to the summary. I learned that there was indeed beauty to be found in a rotund female form. I learned that food can be enjoyed as art, combining tastes, smells, textures was just as enjoyable as mixing colours on canvas or musical notes on a CD. I learned that cooking was a fun art form too!
Once I started actually gaining weight, there was more to it than that. I loved the attention gained when someone gains weight. The lingering stares, the unasked questions from friends, the asked questions from loved ones. I loved the excuse to go shopping for new clothes. I enjoyed adapting to my constantly changing reality.
In other words: gaining weight was a way for me to be expressive in a way few other people were.
With my new love for being fat and gaining weight, I was off. I gained a lot of weight, and I gained it fast. I loved it!
But then I got over 400 pounds, and approached 450 pounds, and finally topped off at 460 pounds. It wasn’t that I hated being that big. It was just too much to trade off. It was hard to find good clothes, it was hard to get comfortable, it was hard to find activities I could go to and enjoy. I was just missing too much.
Yet, I was 460 pounds for several months. Why did I suddenly take an interest in losing weight? Ian proposed to me.
I know it’s kind of silly, but at that moment it struck me that I was too fat to get married. It had been a long time since I’d ever thought about getting married, and when my fairytale wedding got pulled out in my mind, it dated to when I was a skinny fat-phobic teenager. I literally couldn’t picture myself getting married.
And yet, that’s not it entirely. I had convinced myself that being fat was okay, surely I could have convinced myself that a fat bride was okay too. The reason I want to get married is so we can have kids. I was too fat to be a mom.
I know, there are plenty of fat moms, and many were fat before they were moms. But that’s not it. I remember Jeri playing with Amanda. I remember when Jeri was fat, how much trouble she had chasing after a baby learning to crawl, or chasing after a toddler who was fully aware that mommy was too big to reach into some areas. Jeri lost a lot of weight, and she has a lot more fun with Amanda than she did before.
That’s what I want. I want to be able to play with my kids, to run, chase and all those things that I just couldn’t do at 460 pounds.
And how come I’ve been able to lose all this weight? Did I stumble across some sort of magic formula? Am I following some plan that will see me balloon right back up? Am I just one of those contemptible people who can lose weight easily?
Honestly, I don’t know. I can say that I’ve cut my food intake way off. I’m still eating balanced meals. I drink lots of water. I’m more active than I was. I don’t deny my cravings.
I think the fact that my weight never stabilised really helped.
I think focusing on getting Ian to gain weight has made it easier on me (if I spend all my time cooking and serving and clearing, I don’t miss not eating!)
Do I expect to regain weight? I don’t know about ‘expect’, but I wouldn’t be surprised. In fact, there are days I miss being really big. I feel so small next to Ian, so weak. I loved the power trip involved in being more massive that someone! Granted, I’m still bigger than most people, but I feel diminished some days.
I still have more weight to lose, I’m aiming for 300 pounds, though the closer I get to 300, the more I think 280 might be a better goal for running around. I don’t want to set unreasonable goals, but my goal isn’t a number on a scale, it’s a feeling. I want to feel energetic, without giving up more size than I have to.
Losing weight, to me, is an incredibly complex matter. One thing about complex matters, they’re virtually impossible to put into words. I could write an entire volume about weight loss (as many people have), and it won’t make sense to anyone, because there are feelings, thoughts, sensations, dreams, nightmares and other intangibles that just defy being expressed in English.
What’s more, I’ve lost 120 pounds in one year. 120 pounds! Many people struggle their entire life and don’t lose that much. Other people spend their entire life weighing less than 120 pounds. I don’t know how I could possibly express my feelings in a way that those people would understand. I wish I could.
Like many people, I see myself as unique. I pride myself on being unfathomable, even though intellectually I know there are many people who are going to be able to understand any given aspect of my psyche. So I always wonder if I’m searching to find someone who understands, or if I’m hoping to find someone who can understand, or if I am really and truly hoping to confuse the hell out of people. Seems like I’m rambling? Trust me, this is related to my weight!
If my experiences as a teenaged girl mean anything, there are a lot of people who hate fat. The thought of their bodies becoming engrossed with fat is as scary as kissing a snake covered with spiders. These people have no compassion for people who are fat. They hate people who are fat, and come up with reasons to hate them: lazy, sick, greedy. And god forbid these people become fat. They are filled with self-loathing for being lazy, sick or greedy. They cannot be happy in this state, and are prepared to assume the entire world shares their view.
I was one of these people. If someone had told me when I was 14 that on my 28th birthday I would weigh 460 pounds, I’d have laughed. If someone could prove I would be, suicide would have been a very possible option. Luckily I changed (or else this diary would have ended depressingly a year ago!)
Why I changed is certainly quite a long story in and of itself. Let’s just skip to the summary. I learned that there was indeed beauty to be found in a rotund female form. I learned that food can be enjoyed as art, combining tastes, smells, textures was just as enjoyable as mixing colours on canvas or musical notes on a CD. I learned that cooking was a fun art form too!
Once I started actually gaining weight, there was more to it than that. I loved the attention gained when someone gains weight. The lingering stares, the unasked questions from friends, the asked questions from loved ones. I loved the excuse to go shopping for new clothes. I enjoyed adapting to my constantly changing reality.
In other words: gaining weight was a way for me to be expressive in a way few other people were.
With my new love for being fat and gaining weight, I was off. I gained a lot of weight, and I gained it fast. I loved it!
But then I got over 400 pounds, and approached 450 pounds, and finally topped off at 460 pounds. It wasn’t that I hated being that big. It was just too much to trade off. It was hard to find good clothes, it was hard to get comfortable, it was hard to find activities I could go to and enjoy. I was just missing too much.
Yet, I was 460 pounds for several months. Why did I suddenly take an interest in losing weight? Ian proposed to me.
I know it’s kind of silly, but at that moment it struck me that I was too fat to get married. It had been a long time since I’d ever thought about getting married, and when my fairytale wedding got pulled out in my mind, it dated to when I was a skinny fat-phobic teenager. I literally couldn’t picture myself getting married.
And yet, that’s not it entirely. I had convinced myself that being fat was okay, surely I could have convinced myself that a fat bride was okay too. The reason I want to get married is so we can have kids. I was too fat to be a mom.
I know, there are plenty of fat moms, and many were fat before they were moms. But that’s not it. I remember Jeri playing with Amanda. I remember when Jeri was fat, how much trouble she had chasing after a baby learning to crawl, or chasing after a toddler who was fully aware that mommy was too big to reach into some areas. Jeri lost a lot of weight, and she has a lot more fun with Amanda than she did before.
That’s what I want. I want to be able to play with my kids, to run, chase and all those things that I just couldn’t do at 460 pounds.
And how come I’ve been able to lose all this weight? Did I stumble across some sort of magic formula? Am I following some plan that will see me balloon right back up? Am I just one of those contemptible people who can lose weight easily?
Honestly, I don’t know. I can say that I’ve cut my food intake way off. I’m still eating balanced meals. I drink lots of water. I’m more active than I was. I don’t deny my cravings.
I think the fact that my weight never stabilised really helped.
I think focusing on getting Ian to gain weight has made it easier on me (if I spend all my time cooking and serving and clearing, I don’t miss not eating!)
Do I expect to regain weight? I don’t know about ‘expect’, but I wouldn’t be surprised. In fact, there are days I miss being really big. I feel so small next to Ian, so weak. I loved the power trip involved in being more massive that someone! Granted, I’m still bigger than most people, but I feel diminished some days.
I still have more weight to lose, I’m aiming for 300 pounds, though the closer I get to 300, the more I think 280 might be a better goal for running around. I don’t want to set unreasonable goals, but my goal isn’t a number on a scale, it’s a feeling. I want to feel energetic, without giving up more size than I have to.
// posted by Charlotte @ 2:43:00 PM 
