Friday, March 12, 2004
My Weird Place
My Weird Place
I’m definitely inhabiting a weird place, in terms of overall society. Most women who weigh more than 300 pounds are the biggest people they know. At work, I’m much larger than anyone else at the store, and yet at home, Ian’s almost 200 pounds bigger than I am, I’m small fry in the apartment!
So I still have to deal with the issues of being fat in the real world: I’m still bedevilled by the narrow aisles and crammed store room at work. I still find public seating uncomfortable at best, and I’m always the subject of people staring.
And then when I get home, the world reverses, and Ian is the one who finds that he can’t walk past the bed if the dresser is open, or he has to take a few steps to open the fridge door.
I love it! I get to be two completely different people, and I don’t have to do a thing. I love being fat. I love being thin. I love getting to experience a double life.
Of course, on the other hand I’m really jealous of Ian being so massive. I just wasn’t happy at 460. I won’t argue that. But seeing him happy at 500 pounds, I wish I could’ve experienced that. I want to flop down on the couch in Amy’s place at eat a whole pizza, devour a dozen doughnuts and ask for more. I want to have my massive stomach back, I want my enormous thighs.
Except, I don’t. I don’t want my back to hurt, I don’t want clothes shopping to be an agonising hit and miss safari, I don’t want to give up playing basketball because I need to sit down after being on my feet for 10 minutes.
I love the relationship I have with Ian now. He gets to do the eating I wish I was. He gets spoiled the way I wish I was. I love being able to bring that to someone. I love that I’m such a pivotal person in his life.
I don’t know what I’d do differently with my life now. I am happy. I wish I could do things that are impossible, but who doesn’t? And even if I was doing these things, would I actually be happier? Probably not. Just find other things to complain about I suppose.
I’ve heard the quote that ‘life is defined by your suffering’. Well, how many people’s suffering is encapsulating by wishing they were fatter?
I’m definitely inhabiting a weird place, in terms of overall society. Most women who weigh more than 300 pounds are the biggest people they know. At work, I’m much larger than anyone else at the store, and yet at home, Ian’s almost 200 pounds bigger than I am, I’m small fry in the apartment!
So I still have to deal with the issues of being fat in the real world: I’m still bedevilled by the narrow aisles and crammed store room at work. I still find public seating uncomfortable at best, and I’m always the subject of people staring.
And then when I get home, the world reverses, and Ian is the one who finds that he can’t walk past the bed if the dresser is open, or he has to take a few steps to open the fridge door.
I love it! I get to be two completely different people, and I don’t have to do a thing. I love being fat. I love being thin. I love getting to experience a double life.
Of course, on the other hand I’m really jealous of Ian being so massive. I just wasn’t happy at 460. I won’t argue that. But seeing him happy at 500 pounds, I wish I could’ve experienced that. I want to flop down on the couch in Amy’s place at eat a whole pizza, devour a dozen doughnuts and ask for more. I want to have my massive stomach back, I want my enormous thighs.
Except, I don’t. I don’t want my back to hurt, I don’t want clothes shopping to be an agonising hit and miss safari, I don’t want to give up playing basketball because I need to sit down after being on my feet for 10 minutes.
I love the relationship I have with Ian now. He gets to do the eating I wish I was. He gets spoiled the way I wish I was. I love being able to bring that to someone. I love that I’m such a pivotal person in his life.
I don’t know what I’d do differently with my life now. I am happy. I wish I could do things that are impossible, but who doesn’t? And even if I was doing these things, would I actually be happier? Probably not. Just find other things to complain about I suppose.
I’ve heard the quote that ‘life is defined by your suffering’. Well, how many people’s suffering is encapsulating by wishing they were fatter?
// posted by Charlotte @ 11:13:00 AM 
