Friday, May 07, 2004
Charlotte's Jealousy
Charlotte's Jealousy
I’ve decided I’m officially jealous of Ian. He’s the luckiest person I know. He’s got an intelligent, beautiful woman who dotes on him. He gets to eat everything he wants. He’s got a majestic body that provides him correspondingly immense pleasure.
I know Ian works very hard at work. He makes tonnes more money than I do, so I don’t really mind keeping up my end by doing most of the chores around home. Also, I don’t mind doing the shopping and the cleaning, it’s easier for me, and I’m happy to let him conserve his energy, use his time better.
But god I’d love to be in his position!
He’s much larger than I ever was, by almost 50 pounds now. I felt absolutely humungous, and he’s bigger. I’d love to know how that feels. Of course, I wasn’t as comfortable at 460 as I’m fantasizing now, so it’s kind of a tough call. Perhaps I’m jealous that he doesn’t resent the weight at all. Either way, his stomach is simply enormous, and I’ll never know how it feels to lug around such a prominent paunch.
This morning he woke up before I did, but just sitting up rocked the bed enough that I woke up too. Seeing him sitting there, with his fabulous expanse of flesh piled high and wide beside me, gave me a shiver. I just cuddled up with him, enjoying how warm and soft he is now. I love trying to reach my arms around. I love how his fat yields to mine as we press together for a kiss.
Now, at the same time I wish to become mammoth like Ian, I’m also wishing to have my old, sleek body back. I can barely imagine to know what it would be like to have my totally flat abdomen rubbing against that massive belly of his. Or when we kiss, the squishing is my ribcage against his flesh. Right now I feel like I’m in a sort of limbo. I’m fat, but not huge. I’m smaller than Ian, but not really all that small. I feel like I’ve got the worst of both worlds.
I’m sure this will pass, although I wonder if losing another 10 pounds will make me happy. Will I keep losing weight? How much do I have to lose before I’m feeling better? Or should I give it up and start to eat again?
Then, I come back to my main goal. Having kids. It doesn’t seem to fit into my heart right now. I’m desperate to have children. I want it more than anything. Except to have control over my body. I want to be fat/skinny more than I want kids, except I don’t know how fat/skinny I want to be.
So, I continue along, keeping active, eating ‘right’ and hoping that I’ll be happy with my appearance come September.
I’ve decided I’m officially jealous of Ian. He’s the luckiest person I know. He’s got an intelligent, beautiful woman who dotes on him. He gets to eat everything he wants. He’s got a majestic body that provides him correspondingly immense pleasure.
I know Ian works very hard at work. He makes tonnes more money than I do, so I don’t really mind keeping up my end by doing most of the chores around home. Also, I don’t mind doing the shopping and the cleaning, it’s easier for me, and I’m happy to let him conserve his energy, use his time better.
But god I’d love to be in his position!
He’s much larger than I ever was, by almost 50 pounds now. I felt absolutely humungous, and he’s bigger. I’d love to know how that feels. Of course, I wasn’t as comfortable at 460 as I’m fantasizing now, so it’s kind of a tough call. Perhaps I’m jealous that he doesn’t resent the weight at all. Either way, his stomach is simply enormous, and I’ll never know how it feels to lug around such a prominent paunch.
This morning he woke up before I did, but just sitting up rocked the bed enough that I woke up too. Seeing him sitting there, with his fabulous expanse of flesh piled high and wide beside me, gave me a shiver. I just cuddled up with him, enjoying how warm and soft he is now. I love trying to reach my arms around. I love how his fat yields to mine as we press together for a kiss.
Now, at the same time I wish to become mammoth like Ian, I’m also wishing to have my old, sleek body back. I can barely imagine to know what it would be like to have my totally flat abdomen rubbing against that massive belly of his. Or when we kiss, the squishing is my ribcage against his flesh. Right now I feel like I’m in a sort of limbo. I’m fat, but not huge. I’m smaller than Ian, but not really all that small. I feel like I’ve got the worst of both worlds.
I’m sure this will pass, although I wonder if losing another 10 pounds will make me happy. Will I keep losing weight? How much do I have to lose before I’m feeling better? Or should I give it up and start to eat again?
Then, I come back to my main goal. Having kids. It doesn’t seem to fit into my heart right now. I’m desperate to have children. I want it more than anything. Except to have control over my body. I want to be fat/skinny more than I want kids, except I don’t know how fat/skinny I want to be.
So, I continue along, keeping active, eating ‘right’ and hoping that I’ll be happy with my appearance come September.
// posted by Charlotte @ 2:31:00 PM 
