MsCezanne's Odyssey

Perception may well be the meaning of life.

I definitely intend meaning of life in lower case, not to be confused with The Meaning of Life. Perception is pretty much ‘I think, therefore I am’ anyway, so this is hardly an original thought.

So what am I perceiving that requires such a trite preamble? My body. In the absence of Ian’s fat, I’m becoming much more aware of my own. Also, in the absence of any fat on Jamie or Shelley, it contrasts that much more with my own. In short, I’m starting to feel quite large again.

Living with Ian, it was easy to forget how fat I was. He was twice my size! Compared to him, I was svelte and nimble. Compared to Jamie especially, I feel like a lumbering barge.

At the store in London, I was aware of my size, however, since I’d lost weight working there, there were constant reminders that I was smaller. I could fit down aisles or into the store room much easier. It made me feel thin to work there. Now I’m at an unfamiliar office, I’m bigger than everyone else, and I find myself squeezing into store rooms or around people to get to desks.

So what’s my perception of all this?

I feel pretty much like I did when I first moved to London and I was 460 pounds. It’s odd, there’s the part of me that relishes being different. But I’m like anyone else, I want to be accepted by my peers too, to fit in. Moving to London, I was fat, and on my own. Moving to Ottawa, I’m fat, and I’m on my own.

It’s easier to be different when you’ve got someone who really appreciates it!

At the same time: I miss being truly huge. I feel big, but I know what it feels like to be bigger. I’ve been gaining weight here in Ottawa, there’s no doubt about that. I’m hoping to gain more, I’d like to be 300 pounds when Ian makes his way up here.

I’ll think about it over the weekend, maybe there’s more to worry about.

Or less.