MsCezanne's Odyssey

Gosh, I never knew I had so many admirers, or at least people who like to read my diary. Thanks for all the emails, I do enjoy having fans! Keep emailing, I'll always email you back, even if I'm not posting to my diary.

So why haven't I been posting?

What can I say? It's been a busy life.

Work finally went from being part time to full time. That's great for my EI when I'm on mat leave. It leaves me with less time to goof off writing diary entries though.

Ian's appetite has grown significantly. A meal from a few months ago is a mere snack for him now. If it were up to him, he'd spend all his time eating I think. I'm doing whatever I can to encourage him, which means getting out shopping often, and spending plenty of time in the kitchen. I love watching him eat, I love the weight he's gained. I'd gladly give up writing my diary if it meant another pound added to his majestic body.

Like I should be talking about his appetite, mine's as big as ever. One of the best parts about being pregnant is the sensory enhancement: I hear better, I see better, I smell better and I taste better! I just can't get enough of my own cooking, even if it weren't for Ian, I'd still be spending my time in the kitchen. I'm not sure why I'm not gaining as fast as Ian, I'm sure eating as much as he is. It's tough to get to the computer when I'd rather make up one more plate of linguine.

Once this pregnancy thing is done, I'm going to have a child. A child requires a large time commitment, I'm going to have tonnes of responsibility, I'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices. I need to burn up my wanderlust before this happens! I 've been going out with friends, who are happy to take advantage of my designated driver status. Ian's not really keen on heading out a lot, but he understands why I have to do this now, while I can.

As for my 'work boys' (I won't name them, the internet is forever, I don't know if they want to have their friends and family find them in my diary!), I have been spending a lot of time with them. They're fun, they make me feel young, they're out on their own for the first time: they NEED ME!

In terms of something inappropriate going on, I might as well be honest. The thoughts have crossed my mind, but the opportunity hasn't come up. I can't say for sure what I'd do, I'm ashamed to say. Given my past history, and present state of mind, I can't swear that I'd do right by Ian.

It's tough when you can't trust your self. I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but that's a cop out, isn't it? Ian's the only boyfriend I've ever had that I've never cheated on. That's why I married him, I knew he was special, and that I'll never meet someone like Ian again. So it really bothers me that I could even consider losing him. The problem is... my feelings for him HAVE changed. I still love him, and yet... the connection is gone. I desperately want it back, but, I can't lie and say it's there.

I am in absolute lust of Ian though. He's 557 pounds, and to me is a God. I've never thought a man could drive me so incredibly wild just sitting there. Just the way he sits, the way his fat spreads when he lies down, the way he eats, the way his whole body moves in it's on rhythm. I really find it tough keeping my hands off him.

I hope that lust will pull me through!

So, that's why I haven't been updating.

I hope I'll get more out there. My mind is working like never before. Maybe that's the other problem, it's tough to focus on something for long!

// posted by Charlotte @ 9:02:00 AM