MsCezanne's Odyssey

Pregnancy is the most marvellous thing I've ever experienced. It's really such a huge change in my life, it's a huge collection of experiences, and an almost unlimited series of ups and downs.

But, I'm stuck in a bit of a down cycle right now. I'm trying to enjoy it, but it's tough. I've been told to take it easy, so I am. I'm putting in limited hours at work so I can qualify for the maximum maternity leave benefits. Besides that, it's pretty much bed rest.

I've typed up a million journal entries, but never quite feel like publishing them

I've avoided chatting online, because I've realised I'm not pleasant company when people ask me stupid questions (and, you'd be surprised how many questions are stupid when you're this pregnant!). So, if you've missed me online, I’ve missed you too, but I'm not in a mood to inflict myself on you.

Being on bed rest is good for weight gain at least. I'm definitely feeling like a big blob right now. I miss the days when I was a truly big blob. Whenever I get out of bed I realise why I hated being a big blob though: it hurts my back, my knees and my hips.

Ian's been doing just about everything now, the shopping, the cleaning, the laundry and even the cooking.

It's killing me!

I want to do it all still. It's one thing to choose not to. When Ian and I first lived together, and I was a fat blob, he did everything, and that's what we wanted. But... I still want to do it!

The other thing that's killing me is it's fall, the leaves are changing, and I can't go to the park. I tried, but... it just hurt too much. I've got a decent view out the window, but it's not the same. I'm hoping to give it another shot this weekend.

Ian's being really good though, he's incredibly supportive. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, he was supportive back when I was a big fat lazy 460 pounds. He was a lot slimmer then, so it's fair to be surprised that 570 pound Ian is doing the same things that 200 pound Ian did.

In some ways, it's really nice that he is doing it. He doesn't complain. He's still eating well, he's been gaining weight even though he's spending a lot more energy than normal. I think the sense of accomplishment is really good for him, like he realises that he can really do it still. It gives me a good excuse to give him a nice massage. Not that I really need an excuse, but it feels better anyway.

There are still some things I love about the pregnancy: my memory holes are a lot more fun than I'd have ever thought. I can't remember anything. While it is frustrating, there's a certain freedom when people aren't expecting you to remember anything. It's a great accomplishment when I do, and people tend to do things they think I'm going to forget.

The mood swings are fun too. I can feel the downs coming, sort of, and they don't really feel like downs, except I know they are. I think I just enjoy the changes enough that it sort of blunts it. Or more likely I just enjoy them more after the fact, when I know they're done. It's tough to say.

I've already said it, but... I like being a fat blob again. Yes, I'm still a tiny blob next to Ian, but I don't care. I love being big enough that people do double takes. I love being soft and squishy. I love that I seem to have my unstoppable appetite again too.

Finally, I love how all that adds up together: I'm not really Charlotte. I'm some lazy forgetful emotional food crazed blob! It's as close to being someone else as I'll ever be, so I'm absolutely loving it.