Thursday, April 28, 2005
Baby Time
I have wanted a child for about 6 years now.
Finally, I got my life in order, and I felt that I was ready to have a baby.
And it’s just 6 months away.
In November I’m going to have a baby boy or girl!
Over the 6 year wait for this, I’ve been excited about the prospect of being pregnant. So many changes, so many new experiences, and pregnancy is different from woman to woman. I’m guaranteed to have something that’s all mine. I’m loving it.
I’m loving it so much, I’m feeling unstoppable (well, now that I’m past throwing up every once in a while). I just have so much energy, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been working part time, so I’ve got time to hit the markets (they opened a bunch here in London while I was gone!) to find food to make for Ian. It’s fun pushing myself and him.
I can feel my body changing. It’s tough to see, already being fat, my belly’s just a bit bigger. I’m not sure how I’ll look when I’m done, but I’m patient. I know I’ll be bigger, I’m eating tonnes.
My doctor has warned me about that. But when pressed, the stats aren’t really that bad. Just a few percentage points here and there, some hearsay. The bottom line is that a happy mom is a healthy mom. This isn’t the time to change my lifestyle too radically.
Ian’s reaction has been… well… it’s not what I expected. Except, I don’t know what I expected from him. He’s very happy at the prospect of having a child. I think he also understands that means he won’t be the only #1 in my life any more. It’ll take some time for everything to settle in. He’s going to be a great daddy.
People have been asking me my plans for after the baby’s born. I’ve never been strong at long range planning. Any decision I make today is likely to be undone, or forgotten by month’s end. When the time comes, I’ll know what I want to do. Not much sense in planning something I don’t know.
Finally, I got my life in order, and I felt that I was ready to have a baby.
And it’s just 6 months away.
In November I’m going to have a baby boy or girl!
Over the 6 year wait for this, I’ve been excited about the prospect of being pregnant. So many changes, so many new experiences, and pregnancy is different from woman to woman. I’m guaranteed to have something that’s all mine. I’m loving it.
I’m loving it so much, I’m feeling unstoppable (well, now that I’m past throwing up every once in a while). I just have so much energy, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been working part time, so I’ve got time to hit the markets (they opened a bunch here in London while I was gone!) to find food to make for Ian. It’s fun pushing myself and him.
I can feel my body changing. It’s tough to see, already being fat, my belly’s just a bit bigger. I’m not sure how I’ll look when I’m done, but I’m patient. I know I’ll be bigger, I’m eating tonnes.
My doctor has warned me about that. But when pressed, the stats aren’t really that bad. Just a few percentage points here and there, some hearsay. The bottom line is that a happy mom is a healthy mom. This isn’t the time to change my lifestyle too radically.
Ian’s reaction has been… well… it’s not what I expected. Except, I don’t know what I expected from him. He’s very happy at the prospect of having a child. I think he also understands that means he won’t be the only #1 in my life any more. It’ll take some time for everything to settle in. He’s going to be a great daddy.
People have been asking me my plans for after the baby’s born. I’ve never been strong at long range planning. Any decision I make today is likely to be undone, or forgotten by month’s end. When the time comes, I’ll know what I want to do. Not much sense in planning something I don’t know.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Ian: 550. Char: 320
Ian reached his goal of 550 pounds, and I’m as excited as all hell. It’s an incredible accomplishment, I think. It speaks to a lot of effort he’s put forward. The weight hasn’t crept on over time, he’s forced himself to gain weight steadily for a few years now. Few people could accomplish this. He could have easily stopped at 400, 500 or even 520 pounds. But he didn’t. He stuck to it, and here we are!
Probably the best part about the size he’s at is that the changes are becoming visible again. Past 400 pounds, there’s really not much change going on. Even at 500 pounds, it’s tough to really see where a pound or two goes. But since maybe 540, it’s been showing up quite a bit. His stomach’s so large now, that an extra pound on it pulls it a bit lower, or spreads it out when he’s lying down. It’s affecting his mobility, every morning he seems a little bit more awkward, a little bit more off balance, a little more plodding.
Unlike the changes before, his recent gains are actually taking away from his grace. While I loved how graceful he was before, I’m really starting to enjoy the more plodding nature of his waddle. I think that his stride has shortened, so he just goes slower than someone his height should. In some ways, it’s such a small thing, and yet to me, it’s such a big thing. He’s gone from carrying his fat to accommodating his fat. It’s going to keep changing as he gets closer to his limit.
Food wise, he continues to surprise me. I feel like I’m feeding a bottomless pit, I love that he can sit down and literally eat for hours. I just keep his plate topped up, and he keeps emptying it. He’s got a very fine understanding of his appetite, and really enjoys pushing it. Somedays I feel like I’ve made enough food for 8 or 10 people, and yet there aren’t any left overs when we’re finished. There’s a tremendous pleasure to be found in underestimating Ian!
Knowing that he’s reached 550, I see him a little differently. I know it’s in my head, but a new level on the scale means I see him at a new level in the real world. It’s obvious that he’s big, in comparison to objects meant for normal people. When he passes through a doorway, he can’t help but bump into at least one side of it. He twists through, as his arms hang past the door frame. It’s a very natural, fluid motion. I don’t even know if he notices any more. Doors aren’t meant for him. When he sits on a chair, from some angles, he just appears to be floating. His body covers up all evidence of the chair. Angles you can see the chair, it seems absurd that it’s spindly legs are holding him up! Our furniture is heavy duty, so I haven’t seen him wreck a chair yet… but I’d sort of like to. When he lies on the couch, he fills it up entirely, and has quite a lot of his gut hanging past the edge of the couch. He doesn’t lie on his side for very long, as gravity makes it awkward. When he lies on his back, I love how his stomach becomes almost fluid, spreading out, finding low points and hanging everywhere.
In bed is where I enjoy 550 pound Ian the most. His presence is impossible to ignore. When he gets into bed, I can feel it shift under his weight, I always end up rolling up against him (although, I’m sure that happened when he was thinner…) Collectively, we’re big enough that it’s not possible to sleep in our queen size bed without touching each other, or hanging off the edge. Since I’m the agile one these days, I do what I can to make sure he’s comfortable. He can’t sleep on his back any more, his stomach exerts too much pressure, so he usually sleeps on his left side, which gives me his belly to play with. It feels like a large, warm pillow to cuddle up against. I really can’t help playing with it all night, he sleeps with a smile, and he’s told me that I massage it while I’m sleeping. It’s fun pressing my belly into his. It’s a feeling that skinny people simply can’t understand. I can summarise its feeling of warmth, togetherness, yielding, embracing, but that’s just not enough. I’m sure baby’s understand the feeling, like being pressed up to their mother’s bosom.
When he is asleep, I enjoy just watching him. He breathes deeply, his entire body expanding and contracting. He’s so peaceful, so solid, so massive. Like my own personal mountain.
Besides Ian’s weight gain, I’ve been making some major progress of my own. I’m already upto 320 pounds. I’m simultaneously wondering and dreading how big I’ll get. I’m crossing into ‘Supersized’ territory again. I was so glad to get below this size before, I’m worried that I’ll hit a wall and stop enjoying it again. Of course, I AM enjoying it, I want to get bigger, I want to find how big I can get and still enjoy it. I’m going to get bigger this summer, that’s for sure.
I feel bigger than 320, just in relation to my memories from before. I think my body is just ‘different’, so the weight accumulates differently. My fat’s much looser this time around, so it’s affecting my balance and size differently than last time I was 320. It’s actually quite nice having it be different, I don’t feel like I’m reliving the past so much as exploring my future.
It is odd, comparing myself with Ian. He’s much much bigger than me, so I find that I eat an impossibly big dinner, and he’s barely started. Or we’re squeezed on the couch, and it’s easier for me to get up than him. The same thing in bed, I don’t mind making way for him, he’s simply too big to expect him to make way for me. I guess last time I was gaining, he was the one doing everything for me, so it’s different now that we’re both gaining.
Probably the best part about the size he’s at is that the changes are becoming visible again. Past 400 pounds, there’s really not much change going on. Even at 500 pounds, it’s tough to really see where a pound or two goes. But since maybe 540, it’s been showing up quite a bit. His stomach’s so large now, that an extra pound on it pulls it a bit lower, or spreads it out when he’s lying down. It’s affecting his mobility, every morning he seems a little bit more awkward, a little bit more off balance, a little more plodding.
Unlike the changes before, his recent gains are actually taking away from his grace. While I loved how graceful he was before, I’m really starting to enjoy the more plodding nature of his waddle. I think that his stride has shortened, so he just goes slower than someone his height should. In some ways, it’s such a small thing, and yet to me, it’s such a big thing. He’s gone from carrying his fat to accommodating his fat. It’s going to keep changing as he gets closer to his limit.
Food wise, he continues to surprise me. I feel like I’m feeding a bottomless pit, I love that he can sit down and literally eat for hours. I just keep his plate topped up, and he keeps emptying it. He’s got a very fine understanding of his appetite, and really enjoys pushing it. Somedays I feel like I’ve made enough food for 8 or 10 people, and yet there aren’t any left overs when we’re finished. There’s a tremendous pleasure to be found in underestimating Ian!
Knowing that he’s reached 550, I see him a little differently. I know it’s in my head, but a new level on the scale means I see him at a new level in the real world. It’s obvious that he’s big, in comparison to objects meant for normal people. When he passes through a doorway, he can’t help but bump into at least one side of it. He twists through, as his arms hang past the door frame. It’s a very natural, fluid motion. I don’t even know if he notices any more. Doors aren’t meant for him. When he sits on a chair, from some angles, he just appears to be floating. His body covers up all evidence of the chair. Angles you can see the chair, it seems absurd that it’s spindly legs are holding him up! Our furniture is heavy duty, so I haven’t seen him wreck a chair yet… but I’d sort of like to. When he lies on the couch, he fills it up entirely, and has quite a lot of his gut hanging past the edge of the couch. He doesn’t lie on his side for very long, as gravity makes it awkward. When he lies on his back, I love how his stomach becomes almost fluid, spreading out, finding low points and hanging everywhere.
In bed is where I enjoy 550 pound Ian the most. His presence is impossible to ignore. When he gets into bed, I can feel it shift under his weight, I always end up rolling up against him (although, I’m sure that happened when he was thinner…) Collectively, we’re big enough that it’s not possible to sleep in our queen size bed without touching each other, or hanging off the edge. Since I’m the agile one these days, I do what I can to make sure he’s comfortable. He can’t sleep on his back any more, his stomach exerts too much pressure, so he usually sleeps on his left side, which gives me his belly to play with. It feels like a large, warm pillow to cuddle up against. I really can’t help playing with it all night, he sleeps with a smile, and he’s told me that I massage it while I’m sleeping. It’s fun pressing my belly into his. It’s a feeling that skinny people simply can’t understand. I can summarise its feeling of warmth, togetherness, yielding, embracing, but that’s just not enough. I’m sure baby’s understand the feeling, like being pressed up to their mother’s bosom.
When he is asleep, I enjoy just watching him. He breathes deeply, his entire body expanding and contracting. He’s so peaceful, so solid, so massive. Like my own personal mountain.
Besides Ian’s weight gain, I’ve been making some major progress of my own. I’m already upto 320 pounds. I’m simultaneously wondering and dreading how big I’ll get. I’m crossing into ‘Supersized’ territory again. I was so glad to get below this size before, I’m worried that I’ll hit a wall and stop enjoying it again. Of course, I AM enjoying it, I want to get bigger, I want to find how big I can get and still enjoy it. I’m going to get bigger this summer, that’s for sure.
I feel bigger than 320, just in relation to my memories from before. I think my body is just ‘different’, so the weight accumulates differently. My fat’s much looser this time around, so it’s affecting my balance and size differently than last time I was 320. It’s actually quite nice having it be different, I don’t feel like I’m reliving the past so much as exploring my future.
It is odd, comparing myself with Ian. He’s much much bigger than me, so I find that I eat an impossibly big dinner, and he’s barely started. Or we’re squeezed on the couch, and it’s easier for me to get up than him. The same thing in bed, I don’t mind making way for him, he’s simply too big to expect him to make way for me. I guess last time I was gaining, he was the one doing everything for me, so it’s different now that we’re both gaining.
