MsCezanne's Odyssey

I write what's on my mind. Ian's fat is on my mind far more than my own. My fat is constant, it's there, but, I'm more interested in Ian's changes. So that's what I write about.

But, I also like to have an audience, and sometimes that means giving them what they want. You want to hear about my fat? I'm certainly not disinterested in it, just more interested in Ian's. I'll write about it, but be warned, I'm of 2 (probably more) minds; this entry might seem a little disjointed, a little contradictory and downright crazy. That's fine. That means I've captured my thoughts on my body, my weight and my own changes.

As of yesterday, I'm 424 pounds. We still keep up with our Wednesday weigh-ins. I don't always participate, but I did yesterday. As much as my life changed when I met Ian, my life changed 10 times as much when Paul was born. I don't talk about him much on here, I've stated why. But having a baby is by far the best thing that I could ever wish for. I'm dying to do it again!

I loved being pregnant, I've loved the whole process of watching Paul grow, and I just can't wait, I want to do it all again. And again. And again. I could have babies forever. At least, that's how I feel now. The problem is, neither Ian nor myself are in great physical shape to keep up with active kids. I know there are great parents our size, or bigger, and I certainly don't mean any disrespect. We're probably just missing something. The point is, before I get pregnant again, I've got to lose weight.

I think 280 pounds is a great size for me, and I'm looking forward to getting to 280 again so I can get pregnant. Now, obviously 424 pounds is a far cry from 280, and 424 is MORE than I weighed last month, so I'm not heading in the right direction. Why, oh why am I gaining weight when I want to be losing weight?

Is it a lack of willpower? Sort of, I guess.

The fact is, I love to cook, I love to eat, and I love the changes that overindulgence brings in the form of weight gain. It's almost narcotic, waking up and not knowing quite what your body has in store for you. Will your clothes fit? Will the doorway be too narrow? Will there be a new roll, fold or jiggle? There are changes when losing weight and they ARE nice, but, they're not really surprises.

Getting into a groove losing weight can be very pleasurable too: realising you have more energy one day, discovering you can reach something, you can turn around in a store without worrying about knocking anything over, and, yes, fitting into that itty bitty dress that's so cute but just doesn't look good on fatsos.

The question, what changes have I had? Well, this time around, my weight is distributing differently. My belly got all stretched out when I was preggo, so that's where the fat has decided to hang out. I could easily pass for 9 months preggo: but I know better. When preggo you get awesome mood swings. Not now.

My tits are gigantic. Like fake stripper gigantic. When I was younger, I dreamed of having breasts like this, now, well, they're a bit of a pain really! It's tough to get a decent bra that fits, is comfortable, supportive and looks nice. Even though I complain, I still love them. I can't keep my hands off 'em, and will spend as much time enjoying myself in the mirror as I can. They really are huge! I catch people checking them out in public. Always brings a smile to my face.

While my ass hips and legs aren't as considerable as they were in the past, they're not exactly skinny. They've got a sort of flabby quality about them, like they're not packed as much with fat, just a little looser I guess. I liked them better before, but at the same time, that extra jiggle does feel nice when I stop to think about it.

Compared to the last time I was this big, I'm more active, I've spent a long time dealing with being a fat chick, so it's not as alien, not as difficult to deal with as before. So, whether or not I truly have more energy, I feel like I can do more. It could be perception. It could be truth. I can't say, and it doesn't really matter, does it?

The best part about getting fat again is: interacting with Ian's fat. So few people get it. So few people have truly experienced supersized sex. It's too bad, and it makes me feel pretty special. Yes, tiny fit bodies can do more, but I think big soft bodies can enjoy it more. There's more of you to enjoy sex, and, with a partner who understands this, who is willing to let the fat do the work, there is a lot of pleasure to be had.

More than once as Ian approached 600 pounds there were times I wanted to be his equal, to be truly massive, and have our bellies pushed together in a mass of sensation. We'll never be 600 pounds together, and as Ian keeps losing weight, and as I approach 280 myself, our chances of being supersized together diminish. I want to get the most out of life that I can, if I can meet Ian halfway, I have a feeling that's what I'm going to do.

I don't know how fat I'm going to get 460, 500, it's impossible to say. I might stop tomorrow, I might never stop.

I want everything out of life, and I'll do my best to get as much in as I can. It's all an adventure. It's all an experience. I wouldn't give it up for anything, except another adventure, or another experience.