Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Taking Stock
As my weight hits 425 pounds this week, I've taken a moment to pause, to take stock, to think about my life.
Straight up, I'm very happy. I'm happier now than just about any other time in my life. I can't even imagine being happier.
With that said, there are certainly things I'm not happy about.
First of all, I'm not pregnant! I loved the whole experience so much with Paul, I miss it dearly, and would love nothing more than to be pregnant with another baby right now. There are a few reasons why this hasn't happened yet, mostly: I'm too big. I'm not saying that women my size shouldn't get pregnant but (skip this if you don't want too much info) my body isn't yet prepared to engage in the reproductive cycle. We don't know definitively if it has to do with my weight, my breastfeeding, or something else. Since my weight is the only factor I can control, I have to lose weight.
Second of all, my food addiction continues. It's something I'm not happy about, at the same time, it's not something I'm all that upset about either. I love to eat. The problem is, I can't really stop eating. I want to lose weight, because of the aforementioned problem as much as anything else. I know that I have to cut back what I'm eating to do so, but I just can't find the will power. It scares me a little, since this is really the only time I haven't had the willpower I wished I had. Somewhere in the back of my mind I KNOW I can do this. I've overcome it before, so I should be able to do it again. I just wonder how I'll get to that point again.
Third up is my weight. Like the food addiction, I don't really hate my body. In many ways, I'm quite happy with what I've got. There are times that it just seems to work against me. Paul's getting around a lot more now, and I find myself exactly where I didn't want to be: I can't interact with him the way I want to. I can't really just flop down on the floor with him, and then get up to get back into whatever I was doing. My weight is distributed much higher than before, so getting up from the floor is really tough for me now. I'm always winded after playing with Paul, and I'm worried that if I don't turn it around, he's going to leave me behind, in some figurative manner (or even literally!).
Ian's changes, again, there's more good than bad to be had. He's very happy with the way he's feeling these days, and I'm very happy for him. I miss what we had before, and wish we could have that again. I know we can't, so it's simple matter that we can't have our cake and eat it too. I guess we'd rather have than eat it, so to speak. Part of what bothers me is that Ian is so excited about it, he'll talk about it endlessly when we're alone. It's partly my fault for indulging his excitement, but far be it for me to douse his enthusiasm. I suppose part of my concern is that he's changing, and I'm not. I don't seriously believe that's going to be a problem in his eyes, but there is a dark part of my mind that fears that as he sheds his fat, he might find he doesn't like a fat wife. (Please, these are my own thoughts, don't accuse Ian of my paranoid delusions!)
Next up, we've got Sherry. She's become my best friend. We have babies the same age, we're going through a lot of the same things. We spend time together when our husbands are at work, we look after each other's kids when someone needs a break. We have a lot in common personality wise. We've taken very different paths in our lives though, and given how much Sherry and I see eye to eye, it sort of pains me to know that she doesn't understand my outlook on food/fat. It's so tough to explain, especially to someone who works as hard on keeping herself in shape as Sherry does. I know what she thinks about my fat though, because that's what I used to think about fat. I never got it until I gained the weight myself. I know that Ian appreciated fat, but never for a second thought he'd enjoy being fat until he got fat himself. Without that experience, Sherry just can't understand that one part of my life that I need a friend in.
I know... there's Amy. Since Paul's been born, since Ian started losing weight, and since Thomas moved to Calgary, I've been seeing less of her. I still love her, and I know she's there if I ever need her, but she's at a different place when it comes to food/fat than I am too. She's crossed a threshold that I never could, and I wish her the best of luck, simultaneously wishing it was me, and being thankful it's not.
So, that's what's on my mind these days.
I hope that makes sense.
Straight up, I'm very happy. I'm happier now than just about any other time in my life. I can't even imagine being happier.
With that said, there are certainly things I'm not happy about.
First of all, I'm not pregnant! I loved the whole experience so much with Paul, I miss it dearly, and would love nothing more than to be pregnant with another baby right now. There are a few reasons why this hasn't happened yet, mostly: I'm too big. I'm not saying that women my size shouldn't get pregnant but (skip this if you don't want too much info) my body isn't yet prepared to engage in the reproductive cycle. We don't know definitively if it has to do with my weight, my breastfeeding, or something else. Since my weight is the only factor I can control, I have to lose weight.
Second of all, my food addiction continues. It's something I'm not happy about, at the same time, it's not something I'm all that upset about either. I love to eat. The problem is, I can't really stop eating. I want to lose weight, because of the aforementioned problem as much as anything else. I know that I have to cut back what I'm eating to do so, but I just can't find the will power. It scares me a little, since this is really the only time I haven't had the willpower I wished I had. Somewhere in the back of my mind I KNOW I can do this. I've overcome it before, so I should be able to do it again. I just wonder how I'll get to that point again.
Third up is my weight. Like the food addiction, I don't really hate my body. In many ways, I'm quite happy with what I've got. There are times that it just seems to work against me. Paul's getting around a lot more now, and I find myself exactly where I didn't want to be: I can't interact with him the way I want to. I can't really just flop down on the floor with him, and then get up to get back into whatever I was doing. My weight is distributed much higher than before, so getting up from the floor is really tough for me now. I'm always winded after playing with Paul, and I'm worried that if I don't turn it around, he's going to leave me behind, in some figurative manner (or even literally!).
Ian's changes, again, there's more good than bad to be had. He's very happy with the way he's feeling these days, and I'm very happy for him. I miss what we had before, and wish we could have that again. I know we can't, so it's simple matter that we can't have our cake and eat it too. I guess we'd rather have than eat it, so to speak. Part of what bothers me is that Ian is so excited about it, he'll talk about it endlessly when we're alone. It's partly my fault for indulging his excitement, but far be it for me to douse his enthusiasm. I suppose part of my concern is that he's changing, and I'm not. I don't seriously believe that's going to be a problem in his eyes, but there is a dark part of my mind that fears that as he sheds his fat, he might find he doesn't like a fat wife. (Please, these are my own thoughts, don't accuse Ian of my paranoid delusions!)
Next up, we've got Sherry. She's become my best friend. We have babies the same age, we're going through a lot of the same things. We spend time together when our husbands are at work, we look after each other's kids when someone needs a break. We have a lot in common personality wise. We've taken very different paths in our lives though, and given how much Sherry and I see eye to eye, it sort of pains me to know that she doesn't understand my outlook on food/fat. It's so tough to explain, especially to someone who works as hard on keeping herself in shape as Sherry does. I know what she thinks about my fat though, because that's what I used to think about fat. I never got it until I gained the weight myself. I know that Ian appreciated fat, but never for a second thought he'd enjoy being fat until he got fat himself. Without that experience, Sherry just can't understand that one part of my life that I need a friend in.
I know... there's Amy. Since Paul's been born, since Ian started losing weight, and since Thomas moved to Calgary, I've been seeing less of her. I still love her, and I know she's there if I ever need her, but she's at a different place when it comes to food/fat than I am too. She's crossed a threshold that I never could, and I wish her the best of luck, simultaneously wishing it was me, and being thankful it's not.
So, that's what's on my mind these days.
I hope that makes sense.
// posted by Charlotte @ 3:08:00 PM 
Comments:
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In my experience, the 'inability' to stop eating comes from three sources: 1) You know you're going to have to stop soon, and you want to live it up while you can, 2) you remember how hard you had to work at it when you lost 200 pounds, and you're not looking forward to all the effort again, and 3) you now know how easy it is to undo all that work you put in losing weight, and in the back of your mind, you're wondering, "Why bother?"
# posted by 
: 10:18 PM
: 10:18 PM
Hi Char
If there is ever a subject I am less qualified to talk about, I cannot imagine what it is, but as I understand it, a womans biology is wired to prevent further babies while she is still breasfeeding the current one and in traditional cultures the baby might not be weaned for a couple of years.
Of course we all have moments in our lives that when we look back on them, we wish we had enjoyed more fully and wholeheartedly without worrying about the "what ifs"
All the Best Nick
If there is ever a subject I am less qualified to talk about, I cannot imagine what it is, but as I understand it, a womans biology is wired to prevent further babies while she is still breasfeeding the current one and in traditional cultures the baby might not be weaned for a couple of years.
Of course we all have moments in our lives that when we look back on them, we wish we had enjoyed more fully and wholeheartedly without worrying about the "what ifs"
All the Best Nick
# posted by : 5:56 PM
: 5:56 PM
Dear Char:
Its a good thing there is so much of you these days since you're being pulled in so many different directions. There's the weight gain and loss issues, the childrearing issues, the new pregnancy issues, the new Sherry friend issues and of course the Ian issues.
There is no one I know who's had a more developed self-analysis of her love/ambiguous/hate spectrum relationship with eating and weight and body size/shape. Now your varying goals seemingly are intersecting in a way which makes your achieving all your goals nigh impossible. Also, it seems like your previous iron will has softened a bit, which is not surprising following the major body change of giving birth. No matter what any science might say I have experienced at close hand that a woman's body and her mental and emotional being are irrevocably changed after carrying a baby to term and then breastfeeding THEIR child. No value judgments are made about the nature of the changes, which are no doubt different for every woman, but I've never seen a woman remaining essentially unchanged by the process.
I have no interest in affecting the process and am not so presumptuous to believe that I have something profound which should shape what you decide. However, I will continue to follow your open dialogue with yourself in the blog with bated breath(okay.. just real interest), and wish you well in navigating your situation, juggling your various goals and loving every minute of the joy that is your son and family.
Huge
Its a good thing there is so much of you these days since you're being pulled in so many different directions. There's the weight gain and loss issues, the childrearing issues, the new pregnancy issues, the new Sherry friend issues and of course the Ian issues.
There is no one I know who's had a more developed self-analysis of her love/ambiguous/hate spectrum relationship with eating and weight and body size/shape. Now your varying goals seemingly are intersecting in a way which makes your achieving all your goals nigh impossible. Also, it seems like your previous iron will has softened a bit, which is not surprising following the major body change of giving birth. No matter what any science might say I have experienced at close hand that a woman's body and her mental and emotional being are irrevocably changed after carrying a baby to term and then breastfeeding THEIR child. No value judgments are made about the nature of the changes, which are no doubt different for every woman, but I've never seen a woman remaining essentially unchanged by the process.
I have no interest in affecting the process and am not so presumptuous to believe that I have something profound which should shape what you decide. However, I will continue to follow your open dialogue with yourself in the blog with bated breath(okay.. just real interest), and wish you well in navigating your situation, juggling your various goals and loving every minute of the joy that is your son and family.
Huge
It must be frustrating that the scales keep going up when you haven't actually decided that you want them to. Yet they probably won't go down until you really commit to making that happen. Food is addictive and it takes effort to break that addiction - it's possibly harder than other addictions since you can't go cold turkey!
It sounds like you have some powerful reasons for wanting to lose weight - your desire to have another baby, your desire to be healthy and active for your children, your fear, justified or not, that Ian will leave you behind in some way.
Since Ian is already on the weight loss journey, it might be a good time for you to join him. (That's if you do want to lose the weight, which is your decision). The same things that work for Ian will work for you and you can support each other through a common goal.
Don't forget the exercise part of the equation. I know you are active with Paul but making a commitment to being as active as possible and making time for dedicated exercise will help a great deal.
PS In response to Nick, I believe that you are less likely to fall pregnant when breast feeding because of hormones but the chances are only slightly decreased. Excess body fat has a far greater depressive effect on female fertility. I presume that this is something that Charlotte has looked into.
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It sounds like you have some powerful reasons for wanting to lose weight - your desire to have another baby, your desire to be healthy and active for your children, your fear, justified or not, that Ian will leave you behind in some way.
Since Ian is already on the weight loss journey, it might be a good time for you to join him. (That's if you do want to lose the weight, which is your decision). The same things that work for Ian will work for you and you can support each other through a common goal.
Don't forget the exercise part of the equation. I know you are active with Paul but making a commitment to being as active as possible and making time for dedicated exercise will help a great deal.
PS In response to Nick, I believe that you are less likely to fall pregnant when breast feeding because of hormones but the chances are only slightly decreased. Excess body fat has a far greater depressive effect on female fertility. I presume that this is something that Charlotte has looked into.
# posted by : 4:14 PM
: 4:14 PM << Home
