Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Ruminating on Changes
This past week has been one of the best of my life. Obviously it's hard to compare different times in your life, so I'll make it clear that this has been one of the best weeks in terms of pure physical pleasure.
This week has been a celebration of size. My size.
It has been a celebration of fat. My fat.
It has been a celebration of food. My food.
Reaching a weight that exceeded Ian's seemed, for the longest time, to be a goal on paper. Seeing the numbers of our weights close in was fascinating, but no more fascinating than watching the sunrise, it happens, it's nice, but, well, it's not all that special, really. When those numbers finally came together, and started growing apart though, it isn't 'just another sunrise'. It's that sunrise where the clouds are perfect, the wind is perfect. It comes up right across the horizon forming a perfect silhouette against the landscape and cityscape, and you feel as though a billion colours have been invented for just that moment.
It is impossible to describe what I've been feeling. Where a perfect sunrise gives you a billion new colours, our accomplishment has given me a billion new sensations. I've talked about being in tune with my body before, but never like this, nothing like this. I feel like I've awoken, that I can see where I was blind, like I now hear where I was deaf.
There were times (as my blog friends Kate and Stephanie probably could guess) where I wondered what the hell I was doing, if this was something worth doing. No longer do I wonder. Yes. I'm infinitely glad I've done this. Not everyone will ever see that perfect sunrise, not everyone will achieve perfect attunement with their body. They don't know what they're missing, and I would feel sad for them, if I wasn't feeling so damned happy for myself.
Certainly Ian has gone a long way to helping me enjoy this. He's been elated, and pretty much can't keep his hands off me. He takes care of much around the apartment as he can, leaving me time to simply reflect on my changes and, of course, eat. When he's not busy, he's giving me massages, keeping me comfortable etc. He's very good, and you'd think he'd never seen me fat before!
I am feeling larger than ever, which makes sense since I am, but I'm really feeling it more than ever. I'm aware of just how far out I go now, which is easy to understand intellectually, but sometimes my brain doesn't understand that, yes, I'm now a few feet across, and my bum is going to take up a lot of space when I sit down. Having that awareness presents a very satisfying sense of scale that I'm am absolutely enjoying.
It has been far more amazing than I ever thought it would be, and I am completely in love with myself, Ian, and the world.
This week has been a celebration of size. My size.
It has been a celebration of fat. My fat.
It has been a celebration of food. My food.
Reaching a weight that exceeded Ian's seemed, for the longest time, to be a goal on paper. Seeing the numbers of our weights close in was fascinating, but no more fascinating than watching the sunrise, it happens, it's nice, but, well, it's not all that special, really. When those numbers finally came together, and started growing apart though, it isn't 'just another sunrise'. It's that sunrise where the clouds are perfect, the wind is perfect. It comes up right across the horizon forming a perfect silhouette against the landscape and cityscape, and you feel as though a billion colours have been invented for just that moment.
It is impossible to describe what I've been feeling. Where a perfect sunrise gives you a billion new colours, our accomplishment has given me a billion new sensations. I've talked about being in tune with my body before, but never like this, nothing like this. I feel like I've awoken, that I can see where I was blind, like I now hear where I was deaf.
There were times (as my blog friends Kate and Stephanie probably could guess) where I wondered what the hell I was doing, if this was something worth doing. No longer do I wonder. Yes. I'm infinitely glad I've done this. Not everyone will ever see that perfect sunrise, not everyone will achieve perfect attunement with their body. They don't know what they're missing, and I would feel sad for them, if I wasn't feeling so damned happy for myself.
Certainly Ian has gone a long way to helping me enjoy this. He's been elated, and pretty much can't keep his hands off me. He takes care of much around the apartment as he can, leaving me time to simply reflect on my changes and, of course, eat. When he's not busy, he's giving me massages, keeping me comfortable etc. He's very good, and you'd think he'd never seen me fat before!
I am feeling larger than ever, which makes sense since I am, but I'm really feeling it more than ever. I'm aware of just how far out I go now, which is easy to understand intellectually, but sometimes my brain doesn't understand that, yes, I'm now a few feet across, and my bum is going to take up a lot of space when I sit down. Having that awareness presents a very satisfying sense of scale that I'm am absolutely enjoying.
It has been far more amazing than I ever thought it would be, and I am completely in love with myself, Ian, and the world.
// posted by Charlotte @ 3:52:00 PM 
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