MsCezanne's Odyssey

Online I've come into discussions about the meanings of various expressions, for example, what's the meaning of a feedee. Some people think it's anyone who is force fed, others think it's anyone who just likes to gain. I tend to along with the latter, but I know others consider that more 'gainer'. I understand the need for a variety of vocabulary, and for a common understanding. I also enjoy bantering with someone to find out what the definitions mean to them. Let's be honest, the number of people who differentiate between 'feedee' and 'gainer' is vanishingly small, so it's not surprising that everyone has their own ideas of what these words mean.

It was through Ian that I learned of the online community that enjoys weight/weight gain. There are plenty of people who enjoy it but aren't part of the community, I even know a few. In this community there is this shared vocabulary where everyone kinda knows what everything means, but there is no formalised dictionary. One expression that I found a little peculiar was 'SSBBW'. (BBW = Big Beautiful Woman - politically correct for 'fat chick'. By extension (so to speak) SSBBW = Super Sized Big Beautiful Woman - politically correct for 'holy crap she's a fat chick'.) I never quite knew what the delineation was between BBW and SSBBW. Some people peg it at 300 pounds, some more. Some people consider it more of a feeling, that the BBW herself would know if she was 'just fat', or 'supersized'. I think along the latter lines. Weight and body shape are one thing, but how it feels is something else entirely.

As I approach 500 pounds, there is no doubt in my mind that I'm supersized. For me, I think supersizedom (supersizediness? supersizey? horizontally-advantaged?) kicked in about 400 pounds. That's when being fat really took on a life of it's own, where my size became a dominating factor in my life. That's when it's harder to get clothes, a lot of places become impossibly small, even getting around isn't quite the same as it once was.

There were times as I gained weight it was tough to notice. What's a pound here or there when one pound is a quarter of one percent of your weight? In some ways, that was very fascinating, I could gain 10 or 20 pounds or even more and not really notice, and then suddenly one day the full force of those changes set in. My clothes are too tight, or I can't reach something, or I just look different in the mirror. I loved those moments, it was like being a whole new person. Lately, I'm aware of all the changes, every pound, every ounce. It might just be in my head, I might be trying to feel them, who knows? But every time I get dressed, I feel like a new person. When I look in the mirror, I'm a new person. With each step, with each movement, with each cascade of jiggling, it feels different, new and exciting. From moment to moment I have a new life, new experiences, a new Charlotte. It is simply incredible.

I'm bigger than I've ever been. There are costs associated with that, but the costs are easily born. In fact, like a billionaire happy to waste $500 million on a gold plated Bentley, I revel in my costs. There is a pleasure in knowing that I can go to the mall and not find a single item of clothe to wear. I laugh when I think about the many restaurants that would love my business, and yet I can't possibly comfortably visit. Sitting up to roll over in bed, acrobatic displays to stand up from a couch, taking breaks while climbing a dozen stairs, bumping into things like a bull in a china shop, they all sound terrible but they're me, and they're life, and they're great, and I love it.

With that in mind, I can't stop looking forward to the next phase: losing weight so I can get pregnant again. I've noticed that there are a lot of people who can't reconcile that I very much would like to be 500 pounds, but also want to lose weight. Obviously I can't accomplish both at the same time (until I'm over 500 pounds), but doing one and not the other doesn't seem incongruous to me. As much as I'd enjoy life at a supersized 500 pounds, my body won't get pregnant, so I have to lose the weight and I will. We'll have another baby, hopefully two more, and then we'll decide where my weight will go. To be honest, I doubt I'll ever get so big again, but that all depends on how well I can handle being a 'mere' BBW.