Sunday, June 03, 2007
Life on the 500 Side
Well, it has been a few days of life on the 500+ side, so I guess it's time to really get into it.
First off, the changes aren't drastic, I didn't really expect them to be, but in the back of your head, sometimes you expect a ray of light to open up direct from heaven or something. I was smiling ear to ear when the scale showed 501, but no cherubic choir singing in the background.
It is also a weight off my shoulders, I'm not a goal oriented person precisely because I am a goal oriented person. When I set my sights on something, it can completely consume my life trying to achieve those goals, and they often come at a price. Since I've come to realise this, I try to live life a little more day by day and avoid setting goals, no matter what they might mean to me. This goal has consumed my life, and while it's been a lot of fun, it's been hanging over me. Now that I've reached 500 pounds, I can really enjoy it, the last few pounds have been good, but just not enough. Not it's enough, and now, it's time to just... time to be fat.
That's a key phrase, now that I see it. I've spent my time GETTING fat. It's not the same as BEING fat. Getting fat I count calories, make decisions based on how much energy I'm going to spend, but being fat, that's gone. Food is just food, going for a walk is just something to do.
Being 500 pounds is a mental thing as much as a physical thing. I'm certainly more comfortable with myself now than I was a few years ago at 460 pounds. When I was 460 I didn't really want to be, but with this, it's more on my own terms, so while my body is bigger, tougher to shop more, more unwieldy than ever before, it's my body, and it's what I've wanted.
And I am big! I fill my peripheral vision, from boobs and belly in front to my shoulders and arms to the side, practically everywhere I look I see me. Even though I'm a sea in my own eyes, I can't see how far I go, not really. My belly is there, sure, but my hips and my bum really stick out, and I just can't see them, not without some real contortions! I do have a mental map of how much space I take up, so I'm not really crashing and smashing about, but stopping to realise how much of the couch, the bed, or the space in my car that I'm taking up, it's still impressive.
Unwieldy is something else I've come to expect being. I let Ian take care of a lot of chores as a lifestyle choice. He's happy to let me save my energy, and I was certainly happy to let him do so. Now that I don't need to save my energy, things that I haven't really done, I'm not sure I can really do. I tried laundry, reaching into the washer is uncomfortable, and reaching into the dryer is an exercise in balance I wasn't up to. I ended up just sitting on the ground to do it. Luckily getting up from the ground isn't so big a deal, that's how I play with Paul!
I still get around okay. We live in an apartment, it's a long haul to the elevator, and I always enjoy going to the park, regardless of lifestyle choices.
Going forward things are going to become easier, and while that will be nice, there's a part of me that truly enjoys this feeling of magnitude that only comes from being this big. I will always remember it, but even memories aren't the same as day to day living.
We haven't quite decided on a course of action for now. I'm in a rhythm, it will take work to get out of it, motivation to control my appetite, effort to, well, make sure I make an effort to do more.
I've just completed my last goal though, it's time to enjoy life before I set my next goal.
It's time to be Fat Char.
