MsCezanne's Odyssey

People have posted some congratulatory comments, it's only fair to give them a response.
First of all, thanks for your comments. I write this blog for myself, but I make it public in hopes of getting a response, and I love to get it, so thank you.

Second, there is an undercurrent of regret. I understand that I've got a bit of an audience who enjoys weight gain, and I'm pleased to have entertained you with my writing, I AM happy with the direction of my life, I will miss the weight, it is a big part of my life (so to speak), but there are other things for me to do, and being 500 pounds just doesn't fit with them.

Look at it this way: very few people climb a mountain to STAY at the top, a gold medal Olympic sprinter aspires to run their fastest for those 9 seconds, not their entire life, an artist makes a painting, a sculpture, a plate of food not to keep, but to give up so that they may produce their next work. In all cases, the climber, the runner, the artist, they enjoy the efforts they make, in fact, they may well live for the effort itself, rather than the goal. With the goal accomplished they may move on, they may attempt to do it again. Sometimes attaining the same goal can be sweeter than the first time, sometimes it is a very dull exercise, and sometimes they realise that once the goal is accomplished, maybe the effort wasn't worth it.

I feel that the goal of 500 pounds itself... well, reaching 500 isn't all that special in and of itself. It's the effort that I've enjoyed, the process of eating, of gaining weight, of subsuming my lifestyle to this process. Like the runner, I'm ready to let in other things that mean I just can't put forth the dedicated effort required. Like the climber, I'm not sure that I can endure the process again. And like the artist, it is time to set aside my accomplishment and focus on something else.

In other words, don't feel bad for me. I'm happy, and simply existing at 500 pounds, for the sake of being 500 pounds would not satisfy me. If you want to read about me gaining weight, try going back a few years and read again. Leave a comment on an old post, I still get those comments, and I'll respond to them. Email me, ask questions, I have had this experience and I think it's pretty obvious I'd love to share it. I'm just ready for something else.

Huge:
500 isn't the best time of my life, though it's certainly high on my list, and will always be special to me. It's a far cry from being the worst of times! Taking the time to BE 500 pounds, rather than worrying about reaching it, is quite incredible. Once I'm on Sherry's diet and exercise regime, then we can talk about 'worst of times'. I'm going to be 500+ for a little while, we haven't quite worked that out yet. In fact, I'm not in any hurry to set a time table.

Jay:
Thanks. It's funny, the goal of 500 pounds sort of just happened. Without it, it's tough to say what would've happened. I am a goal oriented person, and without a weight gain goal, I might've just kept gaining, like I did a few years ago, and be rather miserable with it. Back then, the idea of wanting to be over 400 pounds... it wasn't for me, but somehow having the goal has made it that much more exciting for me. There is still part of me that can't believe I'd even consider it, much less do it!

And I will be enjoying it for at least a couple of months I think.

Like em Big:
I'm not losing what I've worked for. In many ways, it was the 'work' itself that I truly enjoyed, and no matter what happens from here out, I've had the experience of being 500 pounds, that won't get taken away or 'lost'. Yes, I will lose the weight, but look at it this way: it leaves room for me to gain weight again! I might not be planning on it, but I certainly can't rule it out entirely. After all, when I was 460 pounds a few years ago, I vowed to never get that big again, and, well, that didn't stick, did it?

As for Ian's thoughts, he's certainly conflicted. He's quite open about enjoying big girls, and he's loved my weight as much as me, probably more. He realises that this is something I'm going to do, with or without him, and he'd much rather that I did it with him, he loves me more than my fat, just as I love him more than his fat. We're going to do this together (just as it was a collaborative effort to get me this big), so he's looking forward to it. In the mean time, he's enjoying my fat as much as he can, and so am I.

Forglum:
Wonder no more ;-)

I'm not exactly sure what I wished for. Part of this experience was to just see what it's like. I've certainly attained that wish. I know what being 500+ pounds feels like, and I know what it's like to get here.

Now, if you want to get nitpicky, is this what I EXPECTED? More or less, yes, I guess so. If I'd set this goal when I was a 110 pound teenager, no, I wouldn't have known what I was in store for, but the goal of 500 pounds came when I had already gained a considerable amount of weight. I was a little worried that it might feel like I used to, but I decided that was as much a frame of mind as anything, so, being more open to the experience, I did get to feel what I expected to feel. What surprises me the most isn't so much how it feels, but how it appears to me, visually. I can't get used to looking down and seeing so much! Or I'm still surprised when I catch myself in a full length mirror, especially next to someone who I thought looked fat until seeing them right next to me (or, in front of me, leaving me clearly visible on either side!)