MsCezanne's Odyssey

I'm not sure which is harder to believe, that I was once 110 pounds, or that Ian was once 200 pounds.

I still sometimes have vivid dreams where I'm 110 pounds. I sort of freak out when I wake up because my brain and reality are at odds. Sometimes, I'm freaked out because in my dream I'm skinny, and I wake up scared that I really AM skinny. Sometimes I'm freaked out because when I wake up, I still think I'm skinny and my body feels like a heavy blob.

Ian at 560 pounds is simply massive. He's like nothing I've beholden before. He's a full 100 pounds bigger than I ever was. It's changed everything about him. His personality hasn't changed completely, but his lifestyle certainly has affected his attitudes and certainly has narrowed some parts of his personality and opened up other parts. His body has changed, of course. His face has changed; he's not unrecognisable, but more a 'familiar face' than 'definitely the Ian of yore'. He was always broad-shouldered, but now he's broad everythinged. I do love how his hips have really spread out with these last few pounds.

I wanted to write more, but now I forget...

Ooops.

Over the weekend Ian convinced me that we should replace his Neon with the Nissan Murano. It seems like a nice enough car/truck/whatever it is. It's easy to get in and out of, there's plenty of room for us, and for all the stuff we'll need to put in it. It's well appointed, it's comfortable, and it's got a nice look to it.

In other news, everything's cooking nicely with the baby. My ob/gyn isn't so impressed by my weight, but so far so good. He's worried that I'll develop diabetes, which makes things complicated. But, so far my tests have been fine. He wants me to keep out of the sun too, because of my fair skin and how hot it is this summer.

Ian's still 560 pounds, but he's been busy car shopping, and I've been busy with the various festivals going on (I've given Michelle a hand on logistics. Not the sitting in the sun for 8 hours thing though!), so I can forgive him for that. When we are together, he's eating as much as he can, and that's all I ask.

My own weight is a nice round 333 pounds. I kind of like how that looks, maybe once this is done, I'll aim for getting to 333 instead of 280. Sure, 280 feels better, but saying I'm 333 pounds is fun! I guess I can just lie about my weight. I wouldn't be the only woman on the planet doing that. I won't be 333 by this week's weigh in either, so I need to enjoy it while it lasts.

Overall, I'm loving the whole pregnancy thing. In some ways, it's exactly what I expected, at the same time, it's not what I was expecting at all. I've got those wonderful hormones pumping through my system, and I can feel them changing just about everything, I love that feeling. At the same time, I'm surprised by the changes, and periodically terrified by things I do and feel. It's like I'm totally aware of what I'm doing isn't 'me', and yet I go right on ahead with it. So far, nothing particularly wrong, but I still wonder if there's a critical decision that's going to let me seriously fuck up. Whenever I think like that for too long, I can usually eat my way out of it. Of course, I don't have to feel that way to feel the urge to eat. In fact, I'm not sure there's anything I can do that curtails my urge to eat. Even now, I'm starving.

It's really nice not having to worry about all the festivals in London this year. They're fun to attend, but a lot of effort to sit outside all weekend tending a booth. At the same time, I'm missing that excitement that goes along with it. Some of the people in the office are going, but they're not super excited about it or anything.

Michelle did ask me if I wanted to help out though...

Ian hasn't decided if he wants to go yet. I hope he does. I know it's not really his thing, even at the best of times, but I think he does need to get out more. If nothing else, I'm entitled to show him off!

He's upto 560 pounds now, and isn't showing much signs of slowing down either. I doubt we can keep this pace up, but there's a long shot of getting him to 600 pounds by the end of the year. He's carrying the weight better than I'd hoped, so I'm sure that he'll handle 600 pounds exquisitely.

His latest gains are possibly the most intriguing yet. Up until now, it's mostly been a matter of inflating his belly, with just enough fat everywhere else that it didn't look absurd. Now, it seems that the rest of his body is determined to catch up with his belly. His face has filled out, his arms have become gigantic. In fact, the arms might be the change that he's having the hardest time dealing with. He's not used to them being so big, so it's funny watching him try to do things where his arms get in the way. Usually it's just reaching for something in front of him, like when he's eating or at his computer, until he gets into his rhythm, he'll make a few efforts to reach across himself. It's so damn cute.

His legs have also filled out nicely. He's got some fantastic curves going on! (But don't tell him that.) It's probably the other change that's really affected him: he keeps bumping things with his hips. He's gotten used to leaving a clear berth for his belly and bum, but having hips is new to him. They jiggle nicely, from side to side when he's walking, so I don't get to see that very much. I can tell when he is walking though, because he seems to always bump into something. Even if it's just brushing against the wall or a door frame, you can hear when he's on the move. (Of course, even when you can't hear him, you can feel him on the move, the floor in the apartment does shake when he's walking!)

Finally the fat on his torso (his chest, his back, and, yes, his belly) seems to have softened up. It gives him this great look, almost like he's been inflated. The fat is softer too, I can really dig my hands into it like never before. He's got the texture of a breast all over his body. Ian, my human boob... (don't tell him I said THAT either.)

Watching adapt to his new body has been tremendously fun. There's the aforementioned problems with his reach and with his hips of doom. There's his new 'waddle', which has universally been reclassified as a 'plod'. He's definitely slow on his feet, and the side to side motion is virtually gone, aside from the hip wiggle. Each step is an exercise in shifting his weight forward, I don't think he's got the balance for the side to side motion of a waddle.

His centre of gravity has changed too, which means that getting up isn't the same as before. He's been pretty good at it though, he just keeps adapting his rolling technique. I never get tired of watching that either: he pivots his body (which usually involves jiggle inducing squirming) so that he can plant a foot on the ground. Then, he shift his ass up in the air so he can roll over and put his other foot on the ground. With both feet planted, his ass up high, his arms supporting his weight, and his belly resting on the couch/bed/where ever, he finally stands up and turns around. The process almost looks awkward, and yet he makes it seem majestic, like the slow motion revelation of a massive sculpture.

What's not majestic is watching him get up from a small chair (like a dining room chair or an office chair. He opens his legs up, basically straddling the chair. He leans forward and then throws a leg out to catch himself, bringing the other leg up before he falls. That's awkward. To his credit, he hasn't fallen while doing it.

Finally, there's the sex. I really can't keep my hands off him. If I'm within arm's reach of him, then I'm touching him. He's so soft and warm and squishy, I can't help myself. It gets to the point where he's got to tell me hands off when he wants to sleep. That works about half the time.

The problem is with bun in the oven, I can't have him on me. I'm absolutely DYING to feel what it's like to have him on top of me, but I can't. So usually I'm on top of him, or we're using a more vertical position. I love the feeling of his belly resting on my ass. It's been creeping down, I can feel his belly on my back sometimes! It's hot and heavy, but still gives me that extra little stimulation, so I get off a lot quicker. It also helps that since being pregnant, I can get off pretty much by thinking about it.

lol.

Oh yeah, it's not just Ian who's getting fat, there's me too! The whole pregnancy thing is like temporary insanity. My mind is all over the place, I don't know what the hell I'm doing half the time. If I've got something to focus on, I'm pretty good, but if something catches my attention, I'm lost. The worst is at home, Ian's a living distraction. He can't come into the kitchen, or else I'll ruin whatever I'm making. He can't come in while I'm getting dressed, or else I'll never get dressed. God help us all if he happens to drop by work!

The pregnancy has amplified my senses to the point where I can always smell something delicious, which means I'm always hungry. I salivate like crazy now, if someone has lunch at their desk, I'm sure I look silly wiping my mouth. I eat whenever I can, and the people at work have figured that out, everyone seems to keep treats at their desk, which they're happy to offer me.

It's the same thing at home, I'm spending a lot more time in the kitchen than before, and loving it. I'm snacking while I'm cooking, and it's becoming a bit of a challenge to keep ahead of myself, and make sure I actually get enough made up to satisfy Ian, knowing that he's gotta share with me.

Now that I'm over 330 pounds again, it brings me back into the 'fat' range. For me, 330 pounds is 'fat', and this sort of snuck up on me. I've been so concerned with ian's weight, and just the whole pregnancy thing, getting 'fat' again was the furthest thing from my mind. I've been anticipating getting as big as 380 pounds, so it's not a surprise; it's just real now. I can feel the changes in my body, my belly's getting rounder, and getting a solid feeling to it. I can feel my joints softening up. I know that there's some hormone that does that, which helps the pelvis become more flexible. It makes the rest of my joints a little achy if I'm not careful though, and carrying 332 pounds certainly makes it harder to be careful! My waddle has been changing too, I'm not sure if it's the weight or the pregnancy, probably both. I'm enjoying it, people are always watching me, wherever I go, I like that too. People are very helpful, so I think it's obvious that I'm pregnant, not just fat. They weren't very helpful when I was just fat (although I'm still surprised how many guys seemed to like seeing me fat), so it's nice. I'm sure in a few months, people will be more helpful than when I was stick girl. We'll see.

Gosh, how far can I go without getting off on some tangent? I'm sure my English teacher would have a heart attack (not that she would be reading my diary, and if she is... Hello Dr. Burke) at my complete lack of grammar or structure.

Gosh, I never knew I had so many admirers, or at least people who like to read my diary. Thanks for all the emails, I do enjoy having fans! Keep emailing, I'll always email you back, even if I'm not posting to my diary.

So why haven't I been posting?

What can I say? It's been a busy life.

Work finally went from being part time to full time. That's great for my EI when I'm on mat leave. It leaves me with less time to goof off writing diary entries though.

Ian's appetite has grown significantly. A meal from a few months ago is a mere snack for him now. If it were up to him, he'd spend all his time eating I think. I'm doing whatever I can to encourage him, which means getting out shopping often, and spending plenty of time in the kitchen. I love watching him eat, I love the weight he's gained. I'd gladly give up writing my diary if it meant another pound added to his majestic body.

Like I should be talking about his appetite, mine's as big as ever. One of the best parts about being pregnant is the sensory enhancement: I hear better, I see better, I smell better and I taste better! I just can't get enough of my own cooking, even if it weren't for Ian, I'd still be spending my time in the kitchen. I'm not sure why I'm not gaining as fast as Ian, I'm sure eating as much as he is. It's tough to get to the computer when I'd rather make up one more plate of linguine.

Once this pregnancy thing is done, I'm going to have a child. A child requires a large time commitment, I'm going to have tonnes of responsibility, I'm going to have to make a lot of sacrifices. I need to burn up my wanderlust before this happens! I 've been going out with friends, who are happy to take advantage of my designated driver status. Ian's not really keen on heading out a lot, but he understands why I have to do this now, while I can.

As for my 'work boys' (I won't name them, the internet is forever, I don't know if they want to have their friends and family find them in my diary!), I have been spending a lot of time with them. They're fun, they make me feel young, they're out on their own for the first time: they NEED ME!

In terms of something inappropriate going on, I might as well be honest. The thoughts have crossed my mind, but the opportunity hasn't come up. I can't say for sure what I'd do, I'm ashamed to say. Given my past history, and present state of mind, I can't swear that I'd do right by Ian.

It's tough when you can't trust your self. I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but that's a cop out, isn't it? Ian's the only boyfriend I've ever had that I've never cheated on. That's why I married him, I knew he was special, and that I'll never meet someone like Ian again. So it really bothers me that I could even consider losing him. The problem is... my feelings for him HAVE changed. I still love him, and yet... the connection is gone. I desperately want it back, but, I can't lie and say it's there.

I am in absolute lust of Ian though. He's 557 pounds, and to me is a God. I've never thought a man could drive me so incredibly wild just sitting there. Just the way he sits, the way his fat spreads when he lies down, the way he eats, the way his whole body moves in it's on rhythm. I really find it tough keeping my hands off him.

I hope that lust will pull me through!

So, that's why I haven't been updating.

I hope I'll get more out there. My mind is working like never before. Maybe that's the other problem, it's tough to focus on something for long!