MsCezanne's Odyssey

When I hit 500 pounds back in May I'd resolved to just let it go during the summer. I'd eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and I wouldn't step on the scale.

And I did that. No longer did I let my food control me, I ate when I was hungry, not to gain that extra pound. It was good, I really enjoyed the summer, it was really freeing, really. I did a lot more, I ran errands, cleaned up around the apartment. I didn't worry about expending extra energy. I didn't worry about 'sweating off the weight'. I just had fun.

I got to know myself better than I was expecting. I'd sort of gotten into the mindset of being a bit of a lump, an eating machine. I hadn't always been like that, and was hoping to get out of it. Turned out that my body was more than happy to get up and moving again. I certainly didn't have the stamina I had years ago, but I got around better than I thought, and could stay on my feet longer than I'd have guessed.

Not to say there weren't days that I cursed my body for being so big and unwieldy, but, they were certainly outweighed (so to speak) by the days where I just enjoyed the sensations that my body had to offer. I'd spent so much time focusing on eating and getting bigger, I hadn't really taken the time BE bigger. It's tough to explain, but basically, I was so focused on the changes, I wasn't really focusing on what I had. It might seem tough not to realise that you're fat, but there's a difference between knowing it and feeling it.

I'm going to keep trying to explain this, bear with me!

There are two mindsets here. The first one, is when you are fat. This is the standard derogatory sense of the word, the feeling sorry for yourself, inert, big, fat. I didn't feel sorry for myself or anything, but I was in a world where I was fat. It's who I was, what I was, and what I was concerned with. Now, I've moved into being a person who is fat, a person with a body that happens to have fat. You do things, and maybe your fat gets in the way, maybe not. It doesn't matter. You do what you do, and the fat is along for the ride. Sometimes your fat dictates what you do, but for the most part, it doesn't matter.

There we go.

So, rather than being fat this summer, I was Char, who happens to have a fat body, this summer. I hope that makes sense.

I did a lot more than I thought a fat person ever could, and I'm proud of that. I realise that my thinking was wrong, fat people can do pretty much whatever if they allow for being a person, rather than just 'fat'.

Now, I do need to clarify, being 'fat', rather than a 'fat person', can be fun. I certainly enjoyed it. There's a single-mindedness, purposefulness that can really be comfortable when embraced. I loved being fat, but it was good to make the transition too.

Anyways. Since I was no longer big fat foodie Char, but rather dynamic, embracing life, enjoying being fat, but not dwelling on being fat Char, I figured my weight would drop. Food wasn't a priority, and I was far more active. I could feel myself losing weight. I could feel myself gaining energy, it was easier to get around, I fit places I hadn't fit in a while. I liked being 500 pounds, but I didn't let the weight loss stop my summer of fun.

Without weighing in, it's tough to say how much you weigh. Even when you're tiny, sometimes gaining one pound might seem like ten, and losing 3 pounds might seem like 15. At my size, weight is really a product of the imagination. 500 pounds is bigger than 499, so when I'm 500, I feel bigger than 499.

At different times this summer, I've felt different sizes. I know I went over 500 pounds in June. For some reason I ate more just because I didn't have to. It was a lot of fun, really.

Then I got more active, especially our vacation in August, and my weight really started to plunge. It was tough to say, but I figured I was 480, maybe 470... even an outside chance of 490 if I gained a lot in June.

But I've been living these last few weeks as though I was 480 pounds. Big, sure. Jiggly? You bet! I still eat a lot for mere mortals. I love treats, but keep things balanced. I'm still wearing colossal clothing. I still pick my seats very carefully. I still avoid stairs whenever I can.

Today was my weigh in.

Holey
Cow

When it spun up to 517 pounds I could FEEL myself gain that weight in an instant. I went from Char-who-happens-to-be-fat right back to Fat-Char. Gravity reached out and reaffirmed its grip on me. My tummy jutted out 10 more inches. My energy dropped. And my appetite roared. It felt incredible, all that at once, just reminding me how much I love being fat, not just someone who happens to be overweight, but to just be FAT. Feeling gravity pulling on me, feeling my body fold over itself, wiggling and jiggling with every step, every breath. There is just so much! I'd gotten so used to what I could do, I'd gotten away from who I am.

Which brings me to a problem. I do want to lose weight. I'm still aiming to be 280 pounds. But I just don't think I'm ready for it. I'm just having so much fun, sitting here, typing, snacking, being 517 gloriously fat pounds of Char. I don't want to give it up, and yet I want to move on very much so.

It's going to take a little time to decide what happens next.

Labels: Char, Ian, weigh in

// posted by Charlotte @ 5:31:00 PM