MsCezanne's Odyssey

Well, everything seems to have gone to plan, and with any luck we'll have a baby within a year!

I'm tipping the scales at 282 pounds, not quite the 260 we were shooting for, but close enough that we're happy with it for now. I'm very happy about this, and very excited. Maybe even very very excited...

Before moving on to the next stage of my life, it's time to look back at the stage I've come out of. It's been a few years of constant change. Paul's growing up, with all the daily miracles that entails. We've moved into a new house, which was a LOT more work than I ever expected (it's one thing to move from house to house as a poor student... quite another for a mature family to rearrange their entire lives into a larger space!) Finally, there's the changes in me.

I've lost a lot of weight in the interest of 'health'. It's been a lot of work, and there were many many (many) days where I wasn't sure if it was going to happen, if it was going to be worth it. Now... with my goals in sight, I'm glad that I did it, that I stuck with it, that I've managed to become Charlotte the Lesser.

As excited as I am to move forward, there is a sense of loss, both literally and figuratively. Part of my life is gone, probably gone forever, and I miss it.

I miss sitting down to a pile of food, knowing that I get to eat all of it.

I miss sitting down on a couch, always in the back of my mind wondering if it's going to hold me this time.

I miss waddling into a room, and seeing everyone's eyes go wide when they realise how big I am.

I miss simply sitting, being in tune with my body. I can do that now, but there's just so much LESS to be in tune, it's like comparing Cezanne's studio with The Louvre. I'd love to check out the studio, but I can happily be lost in The Louvre forever.

I even miss folding my laundry, wondering why my clothes looked so much bigger than I felt.

In the interests of fairness, there are some things I don't miss:

I'm quite happy that my plans now include what I want to, rather than what I can do. (Alas, most of my plans are things that HAVE to be done... but even still, a lot more of those get done these days.)

I guess that's all that comes to mind right now.

I'm not happy that I 'get' to do the laundry, or the chores, or the errands. It's nice to be able to do it all, but I don't LIKE doing them, lol.

I can buy clothes much easier, which is also nice, but the giant clothes should be as easy to get.

Labels: Char, diary, weigh in, weight loss

It's been busy!

I know I always say that, but who knew life could be so busy!

Anyway, without any effort to post the long story, Amy was back in Ontario for two weeks, and I'd forgotten just how big she is!

I will try to write more later.

And to those who care: I'm currently 367 pounds (I was 363 before she visited...)

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, weigh in, weight gain, weight loss

Well, Easter has come and gone. It's always a time to eat, and I got a free pass from Sherry. I only gained one pound this year though, lol.

I got to see my niece again, which just makes me want a baby of my own!

I got to see Jeri again, and I can't believe how big she's getting. I remember when she was pregnant the first time she seemed just so huge, and yet I don't think she was more than 200 pounds. I guess our perspectives change with time!

Finally, hockey has started up, which means I won't get to see much of Ian until June.

Maybe I'll finally find some time to get my diary back on track!

Weigh in: 393 pounds

Labels: Char, diary, weigh in, weight gain, weight loss

Again.

For the last time for a couple years, I hope ;-)

Labels: Char, diary, weigh in

My favourite time of year, Thanksgiving! I haven't had time to really post about it. I've committed to finishing up Matt and Annie, so I polished off a couple chapters, it just seems to keep going and going though. I'm sure no one's complaining though...

I had a nice dinner with my family back home on Thanksgiving weekend.

This past weekend I made a dinner for my friends here in London. Then Paul got sick, and I haven't had the time or energy to really write it up.

I'm sick now, so not really up to a full write up.

Suffice it to say, I'm now 403 pounds.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Labels: Char, diary, thanksgiving, weigh in

Well, I've broken 400 pounds again. I think this is my 4th time now, 2nd time going down.

400 is one of those psychological barriers. I feel thinner. I see a thinner person in the mirror. My energy levels haven't changed much since the summer though. I'm in good shape, despite my weight. I move around great, and seem to always be ready to go, even if there's nothing to do!

In other news, I'm not finding the time to write like I'd like to. I'm still working on my drawn out weight gain story that doesn't have any weight gain to start. I want enough of it done that there IS weight gain before I post it! Also, someone has finally made the effort to edit my stories! They're being posted in the Dimensions Library. I'm kind of excited about it. Reading my stories is a lot of fun!

In further news, my friend, Amy, has resumed posting in her diary. I know I haven't updated much about her lately, mostly because she wasn't so keen on being updated. Now you can learn whatever you want about her.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, weigh in

I haven't written much in terms of fiction or personal biography. Why? I guess I've been busy. I haven't been busy with anything I felt the need to write about, because while I've enjoyed it, I don't know that I'd want to read about it.

For both Ian and I, life is routine. I never wanted a routine life, but having one is pretty good, I've got to admit. I don't like having an office job, but do like having a job I can do and take pride in, I like having co-workers I get along with.

Ian's job is more exciting than mine. He's with a small company that is both shrinking and growing. They've got less people doing more work. Ian's getting a bigger piece of the pie, and the pie is getting bigger. It keeps him really busy, but he enjoys the challenges, and makes time at home that much more special.

Having our personal trainer living two floors away means that our exercise routines are are always on pace. I've been swimming, walking in the park and working out with free weights. I'm in better shape than I've been in a decade, despite still being quite fat. I love how it feels, I love how it looks.

Ian gets in his workouts when he can. He doesn't get in as much as I do, but he's cute anyways.

I know people still ask about Amy, and I haven't written much about her either. She's had some health scares, and she's now actively losing weight. She's in touch with Sherry, and they're working on a programme like the one she worked on with me and Ian. It'll be tougher for Amy, she doesn't have Sherry there to kick her ass! Thomas probably will though, so hopefully Amy'll be doing fine in a few months' time.

Weigh ins:
Char: 415 pounds
Ian: 319
Amy: Approx 535

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in, weight loss

Okay, it's not really lost. It's not even going to be long either. It IS an update though!

London is doing it's damndest to get from winter into summer. Spring seems to be a bit of an oversight this year, it's either blazing hot, or freezing, neither of which really appeal to me.

At least the park is green and free of snow! I've been doing lots of walking in the park, in addition to swimming and weights. I'm feeling fantastic. I've lost about 70 pounds since last fall, and I do feel like a different person. Sometimes I forget that at 447 pounds, I'm still quite large!

Ian's own weight loss continues. He's got more time now that things at work have settled down he's got time to hit the gym more seriously. He's about 320 pounds now, and a lot of it is muscle!

Life has been routine. Ian's work has settled some issues they had, so he's at home a lot more now, which is nice for everyone. We're looking at houses, again. It's nicer in the spring, you get a better idea of how the house really looks when the garden is alive. People fix their houses up in the spring, everyone sells houses in the spring, I'm having more fun looking than anything else.

Labels: Char, diary, Ian, weigh in, weight loss

There's a LOT of snow today! Really killed traffic flow, but everyone got where they needed to go, safe and sound.

House hunting has been going well. It's tough to say exactly what I want, but the more I see, the better idea of what we're going to get is emerging. Originally we'd planned to buy an existing house, but now we're leaning towards building one. It doesn't really cost more, and it's easier to get exactly what you want, and can actually cost less since there's no redecoration, no (expensive) surprises, and the house is under warrantee! The stuff you learn when doing something new eh?

Though it's not really a 'new year' any more, I still think of it that way. The new year has been going well for my new lifestyle. I swim when I can. Sherry has given me some aerobic and light weight exercises I can do on my own too. Being active feels great, and I sort of wish I'd never given it up. I do find myself missing my weight though. I've lost about 40 pounds total, and just don't jiggle like I used to. It's weird feeling my clothes getting looser, rather than tighter, but if that's what I've got to do, that's what I've got to do.

My weight is 480 pounds.

Ian's been keeping busy too. He does a lot more weightlifting now, as well as the treadmill and swimming. He's still busy with work, but again Sherry has given him some exercises he can do on his own. He's down to 347 pounds, and is looking really great now. As much as miss my big soft Ian, I've got to admit I am enamoured with his soft but powerful physique.

I haven't heard much from Amy lately, she's busy with taxes and RSPs and all that accountant stuff. She tells me her weight has been up and down, but finally more up than down. She's bigger than ever now at 543 pounds.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in

It is amasing how fast a winterwonderland can turn into a frozen hell. (To anyone who uses the expression 'when hell freezes over' has never been outside when it's minus 20. It is hell.) Everything is covered in a dull frost, the salt on the roads turns a pasty white; however if you're actually outside, you can't look around for fear of the wind blasting your eyeballs out.

The worst part is that it rained last night, so all the snow is gone, so under the frost is brown. Ick.

I'm in the market for a new car, haven't quite decided which way to go yet. Still have friends in high places at a Ford dealership, so we might see about getting something from them. Not sure what I want to drive yet. I like Ian's Murano, but since my car is the 'grocery runner', I don't need an Explorer or anything! Ian thinks we should get a Mustang.

In the world of Wasting Away, Ian's now down to 361 pounds. He's very happy with where he is now, he's big and strong without being particularly awkward. I like that he's got plenty of energy to get things done these days. I think we might be in a position where we can really keep up with buying a house.

We haven't discussed that yet though.

Maybe we will.

I've become a svelte (and palindromic) 494 pounds. I can handle stairs now. I don't want to handle stairs, but if I, oh, say, owned a house with stairs, I'd be fine.

You know what? We're going to buy a house, whether Ian wants to or not. I'm ready, he's ready, we're ready.

Labels: Char, diary, Ian, weigh in

I know that winter can be long, dreary, cold and miserable. I also know that winter can the source of a light, fluffy, magical snowfall. I can say this because I don't have to shovel, but the last couple of days we've gotten magnificant snow falls, couldn't ask for anything better really. They're not enough to bring the city to a standstill, but plenty enough to cover trees, houses and everything else in a nice, soft, puffy shell. Everything looks different, even if it is the same underneath, and I just love it.

The irony of course is that my own outside continues to become less puffy, while there are changes underneath. Just last night someone asked me how it felt to lose 25 pounds. I don't feel like I've lost 25 pounds, I feel like I've lost 100. Or more. It isn't the weight that gets me down, it's the fitness. I've been working hard in the pool, and my body is responding. I'm getting stronger, my stamina is building up, and life is just EASIER. I almost regret that it's cost me 25 pounds to get this feeling.

My goal does continue to be 280 pounds, but it's going to feel much different than I was thinking it would. I've been asked if this is still my 'long term goal'. I always reply that I don't have long term goals. Planning to hit 280 is the longest I've ever planned anything. I can't say what I'll choose to do next once (if) I reach this goal, and I'd be quite disappointed in myself if I could.

Thanks for the suggestions for writing. I haven't even tried writing since last week, I guess my creative urges have been supplanted by my efforts in the pool. I'm a little sad to see that I have to sacrifice one aspect for the other, but I'm sure over time my creative juices will begin to flow again.

I also think I said too much about Amy last week, in trying to not say too much. I'm sorry. She's fine, she really is. For most people losing a couple of pounds isn't a big deal, or even noteworthy. Everyone has ups and downs, and she's no different. It won't be long before she's fatter than ever!

Labels: Char, diary, weigh in

I broke 500 again. This would be my third time, twice going over, once dropping under. Won't be long before I break 500 a fourth time. I hope.

Obviously, at 503 pounds I've been enjoying my holidays, and haven't been doing a lot of genuine exercise. I'm back home now, it'll be easier to get back on track with eating normally and getting in the pool. It will be a bit tougher without Sherry, it's her busy time as everyone tries to get their New Year's resolutions underway.

Ian's been bad too, he's up to 375 pounds. He's not too concerned about it. He's becoming very comfortable with his body lately, and I'm happy about that. He's still got his commanding size, but now he's got a fitness and agility that he likes, and really belies his size.

Surprisingly, Amy is only 542 pounds. That's what she weighed a few weeks ago, which means she didn't gain at all while visiting. I was SURE she was good for 2 pounds just visiting with us. She did spend a few days at her parents', she doesn't eat as much there, and plenty of time at the airport, as well as in the car, so maybe she didn't get to eat nearly as much as normal.

We didn't do anything fancy for my birthday, just a quiet dinner with a few friends. I just don't have the energy for anything fancy any more! It's very nice though, just a quiet night. Guess I'm getting old.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in

It's time for another Wednesday Weigh In!

Charlotte (that's me): 501 Pounds

I've been working pretty good. I'm still mostly working the pool doing aquafit stuff, but a couple times a week now I'm doing weights with Sherry. Nothing impressive, I've probably eaten lunches bigger than the weights I'm using, but I can feel it. She's got me dialed in where it hurts, but not so much that I hate it. Just kind of annoyed by it, but I can feel the results. I've got more energy than I've had in years. 501 seems like a big number, but it doesn't FEEL big. If I had to say, I'd say I feel... oh, maybe 380.

Ian (that's the cute guy I sleep with): 375 pounds.

He's on a crazy schedule for work, always there to keep an eye on Paul when I'm working out, doing his fair share of the errands and chores AND still finding the time to get to the gym by himself. Sherry still keeps tabs on him, of course, but she's not there to motivate him. I think he's just enjoying his new, slender body. I know it seems crazy to call 375 slender, but that's the word that comes to mind when I see him now. He's still fat, of course, but I guess I've just got a slightly warped view.

He kind of reminds me of Mister Incredible.

Amy (a friend that people seem to enjoy hearing about): 542 pounds.

There were people who were sure I was going to catch her. Now there's 40+ pounds between us. She says she's not adapting to her weight gain as easily as before. She absolutely loves it though, because the fact that she's always thinking about her fat just reminds her how fat she's become.

Also, she's finalised her plans for Christmas, and I get to feed her again for a day.

It's the best gift I could get.

Besides diamonds.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in, weight gain, weight loss

We had out American Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday, since we had to work on American Thanksgiving (and Stephen Harper was supposedly going to turn us in mini-USA).

It's the first big meal I've made since Canadian Thanksgiving, so I was looking forward to it. I didn't to anything extraordinary, turkey, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, steamed veggies, gravy, stuffing, store bought cranberry sauce.

It was just me, Ian, Sherry and Ken (and the kids, who have no appreciation for fine dining), so it was tough to know how much to make. I planned on having leftovers, and while we did, we had less than I'd expected.

For me it was my first time turning my appetite loose since I've started my New Life. I didn't eat as much as I could have in the past, but was still quite full. I did eat a little more than I was expecting, so that was a pleasant surprise. Ian ate about how I figured he would. These days his appetite is surprisingly normal. He can eat if he really pushes, but really, he ate about as much as Ken, who's half Ian's size. My biggest surprise was Sherry. I always forget that with her metabolism, she eats a lot more than a women her size normally would. She still ate less than everyone, but a lot more than I would have at her size!

Today's weigh in was what we were expecting: I maintained a weight of 505 pounds, while Ian gained a pound to reach 381.

It was fun to take a little break from our new lives, but on Monday we settled right back into it. I wasn't too surprised by that. Sherry can be a stern taskmaster, but she really does make it easy.

The part that sucked the most is that now Ian expects me to help clean up! He was more than happy to do it when I was gaining, but not now. I gotta get preggo so he'll do all the work again!

Labels: Char, diary, Ian, thanksgiving, weigh in

I've hit a bit of a creative dry spell. I've written dozens of fragments, but nothing that I'm happy with, certainly nothing with a 'beginning, middle and end'. It's possible that I'm raising my standards, or it's possible that the well has run dry for now.

I've been trying to write another chapter of Geraldine's story, not as an episode of the show, but how her life is changing. It's hard for me to come up with a complete story though.

I've been trying for another chapter of Karen and Michael, but it's getting repetitive, and I'm not sure where I'd like to take the story. It might be time to end it, but I really do like the premise, even if it's tougher to write now.

I've had fun writing Ellen's story, but again, now that things are set up, I can't think of anything interesting to put in there. For anyone who doesn't know, I actually posted an original 'Ellen' story at Fantasyfeeder.com. I might repost it here. Let me know what you think.

If anyone has any story they'd like to see, let me know, it might be all that I need to get something up.

So that's my excuse for not having any interesting stories to post. As for having nothing interesting about my life to post: same old same old, I find my life dull, and just not compelled to write it up.

I've been busy at work, getting everything in order for the end of the year so that when January comes we'll hit the ground running. It's been quite a change, but with any luck, changes for the better.

My pursuit of the New Char continues. I'm starting to wonder at the wisdom of having my best friend be my trainer. I love her to death, of course, but there are times I just want to kill that skinny bitch. She knows me well, so she can push me just right, which means that I'm always right along that line of 'no pain no gain'. She is getting results though, I'm already down a total of 11 pounds, which isn't too bad for a month. I'd like to say I have more energy, but I'm spending so much of it in the pool, I don't really. I guess I can feel that I'm working more now, so I guess that's evidence of more energy. The changes I feel mostly are being a lot stiffer than before.

Ian's working out on his own, since Sherry is busy helping me. He's really gotten past needing someone to help him along anyway. Going to the gym is just part of his daily routine. He's still fat: 380+, but looks like a new man all the same. He's got tonnes of energy, and our apartment is in better shape than ever. Everything is clean, everything is put away. It's so very nice. He's still busy with work, but he's been good about it. I think being in better shape has gone a long way to making it easier for him. I still miss supersized Ian, but I'm really enjoying the New Ian too.

Labels: Char, diary, Ian, weigh in

It's time for my Wednesday Weigh-In. Now that Sherry has me into a routine of moving every day, I'm really starting to feel it. At 514 I'm not tiny or anything, but I can feel the difference now. I'm getting past the point of feeling like it's all too much, and starting to feel like it's just another part of the day.

I remember Ian going through this, but I have several advantages over him. First, I was more active this summer than he was when he started working with Sherry. Second, Sherry has learned a lot working with Ian, so it's been easier to get effective exercise for me. Third, I've basically done this once, so I've got a better idea of what it takes than he had at first.

Ian's still losing weight though, he's down to 387 pounds this week. He's really starting to firm up. He's still fat, but the fat seems to cling to him, rather than hang from him. Maybe it's just my perception. He's moving better too.

Amy's reported in. Hockey season has helped her get her gaining weight again, she's up 536 pounds now. She says she can really feel the weight piling on again, and she loves every jiggle of it. She also says that even though she's not gaining very quickly, her body is adjusting. One of her clients is a tailor for her, and says that her measurements have changed more over the last six months than she'd have thought.

As for life, Sherry and I took the kids trick-or-treating around the building. It was a lot of fun, a chance to get to know the neighbours a little bit better, and see just how many kids there are in the building!

I must add that Sherry wore a costume, though I did not. I just haven't had the time to make anything, and have no idea where I'd buy something that fits, much less suits my taste.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Hallowe'en, Ian, weigh in

This is it, I've reached my tipping point. I want a baby more than I want to be fat. Next week I'll begin my new lifestyle. Why now? Well, it makes sense, the holiday season is always a time when routines change, so, if my routine is going to change, might as well make the change I want. Also, if I wait until next year, the gyms will be busy, and Sherry will be busy, so if I want her help, it'll be better to get into a new routine now, than when she can't help out.

I'll be following what worked for me before, adjusting for what has worked with Ian. I'll eat less, I'll snack better, and I'll exercise more (more than none? I think I can handle that.) I've been more active since the summer than normal, so I don't think it'll be as tough as it would have been if I decided to do this in June.

I have no goals set for the near term, simply to get into a routine that I can stick with and fits into my lifestyle.

I'll keep up my diary, though I'm sure I'll lose fans, but I'm okay with that. I do plan to keep up my fiction, but I can't guarantee that a change in my lifestyle won't affect it. Which begs the question: is there a such thing as erotic weight loss fiction? I guess I could always look for it. I'm not planning to write any. Especially if there's no market for it, lol.

As for my writing, I'm really happy with my story from yesterday: Dream a L'il Dream. People have been asking for more stories just focusing on the body itself, so I think I've got that. I surprised myself a little bit with it though. The whole time I was writing the story, I knew she was going to wake up skinny, then call Rob up and say she wanted to get fat, and yet the ending I wrote just came out. It's nice when you can be surprised by your own story! I like the way it works, as it's technically more honest than what I'd intended, I hope it was a pleasant surprise for other people too.

So even though I'm planning to start losing weight, this week brought another couple of pounds my way. I'm up to 521, which puts me just 10 shy of Amy who hasn't been able to gain for a while now. I know there are people who are eager to see me surpass her, and... it's not my goal. I really am big enough. If there was part of me that really wanted to, I probably would, but it's just not something I feel like I need to do. It might be different and we were still seeing each other on a regular basis, but I'm the biggest person I see on a regular basis, and that's enough for me. Besides, if I wanted to be truly bigger, there's always the BMI argument because of my height, so 531 wouldn't be enough anyway.

I notice I've been linked to www.fantasyfeeder.com I think that's pretty cool, so thanks. I'm not a member of the site because I don't really have time for it. I poked around once before without joining, and it's changed since then, I can actually see a lot more now than I could before. Maybe I will join and see about getting my stories in there somewhere. I worry that when they scroll off the main page of my diary they're kind of forgotten. Do the tags help with that? Does anyone have any suggestions for what I might do to preserve my stories in a more convenient format?

Finally, as always, I'm looking for feedback on the stories. I'm getting up some steam on 'Byline'. 'Karen and Michael' seems to be foundering a little, and 'Matt and Annie' is becoming a little operatic, not sure what I'll do with that. I might write another 'Stuck' story. I've got one in mind, it just needs to be fleshed out, so to speak. I might try some more one off stories like Dream. At least they might point me in interesting directions. Geraldine's story remains on hold. I've got it planned out, but simply cannot get it right on the page/screen.

Also, with Thanksgiving coming up in Canada, why not re-read my old Thanksgiving yarns?

Labels: Char, diary, weigh in

Starting to run a little dry on the story front. Can't quite get the other half of Matt and Annie's cliff hanger solved. I hate when people set something up and then don't pay it off. Now I hate myself for setting it up and not getting the pay off, lol. Karen and Michael is sort of meandering. Something's going to have to happen sooner or later. The Stuck Series has been a lot of fun, I'll probably work on that some more if I can't come up with anything else. I was waiting for some response to byline before continuing that, so I think there will be more of that coming up.

The other story that is really sticking is the Megan/Geraldine story. I was going to write the next installment as the first episode of the TV show, then realised I have no clue how to do that. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd love to hear.

So, with my creative writing on hold, might as well go back to reality. It's my favourite time of year again, the leaves are changing and we're awash in colours. The weather has been odd, it was stinky hot yesterday, London set a record by a few degrees. Now it's rainy, which I don't really like, who wants to see piles of mucky leaves?

As I've been wrestling with the decision of the future, my stomach has been making its vote heard, I'm now 519 pounds. Ian's more than happy to keep me growing, and when someone is bringing you food, and you're used to just eating, it really is tough to stop without making an effort. I don't know how much longer this can go on, though I do know it's going to go on a little bit longer.

Ian's weight is now 395 pounds. He's just a machine, he is very dedicated to exercising and eating right. He says working out is the best way to fend off stress from work, so maybe once his work settles down he'll get fat again. Tough to say. I'm enjoying the ever changing Ian. Having him shrink helps me feel even bigger, which is always fun.Right now he's been talking about getting to 350 and re-evaluating his goals/routine. He's also propose that I keep gaining until then, so we can work out our goals together. That'll probably take us until next year so I don't think I'll wait that long, but I don't really have another plan in place either.

Finally, Amy. She's holding in at 531 pounds. Thomas is truly satisfied with her size, so while she's still trying to gain, she's doing it without his help. Not that he's disregarding her by any means, just not providing all the food she wants. She's doing her best to keep gaining, but she is finding it tough to find the time to really go for it.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in

Ian is down to 400 pounds! He's been working so hard, and he really has been looking forward to this for a while now. He's looking absolutely fantastic, and I'm starting to wonder if this is where he might look his best.

He's still fat, of course, but to me he brings to mind 'bulky' more than 'fat'. He's still got a considerable gut, but it's framed by broad shoulders and some powerful arms. Even through all that fat, you can tell there are muscles at work in his chest, arms and legs. He's starting to remind me of those strong guys from the competitions! I know he's not that strong, but still, the visual effect is there.

As for my own weight, I'm still at 517 pounds. It's been an interesting week, almost like rediscovering myself. Again. It's been fun, the difference between being 517 and knowing that I'm 517 is far greater than I'd ever have imagined. It's been a week of feeling absolutely incredibly big, even though nothing changed. I've been moving slower, noticing how tight everything is, how tiny everyone at work is. My appetite has grown to become insatiable again. It goes to show how much 'being fat' is in your head!

My plans for the future are murky, again. Ian would like me to gain more weight now. We've discussed 530 as a goal, or maybe just starting my diet in the New Year like everyone else. I can't say that in my heart I'm all that opposed to either suggestion. I still know that to have more kids, I really need to get my ass in gear, so we'll see how things pan out.

An interesting twist, though, is Sherry. She's on Ian's side here, she'd like to push me a little bit further! I was really surprised by that. I just might have to indulge her a little on this!

Labels: Char, Ian, weigh in

Holey
Cow

When I hit 500 pounds back in May I'd resolved to just let it go during the summer. I'd eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and I wouldn't step on the scale.

And I did that. No longer did I let my food control me, I ate when I was hungry, not to gain that extra pound. It was good, I really enjoyed the summer, it was really freeing, really. I did a lot more, I ran errands, cleaned up around the apartment. I didn't worry about expending extra energy. I didn't worry about 'sweating off the weight'. I just had fun.

I got to know myself better than I was expecting. I'd sort of gotten into the mindset of being a bit of a lump, an eating machine. I hadn't always been like that, and was hoping to get out of it. Turned out that my body was more than happy to get up and moving again. I certainly didn't have the stamina I had years ago, but I got around better than I thought, and could stay on my feet longer than I'd have guessed.

Not to say there weren't days that I cursed my body for being so big and unwieldy, but, they were certainly outweighed (so to speak) by the days where I just enjoyed the sensations that my body had to offer. I'd spent so much time focusing on eating and getting bigger, I hadn't really taken the time BE bigger. It's tough to explain, but basically, I was so focused on the changes, I wasn't really focusing on what I had. It might seem tough not to realise that you're fat, but there's a difference between knowing it and feeling it.

I'm going to keep trying to explain this, bear with me!

There are two mindsets here. The first one, is when you are fat. This is the standard derogatory sense of the word, the feeling sorry for yourself, inert, big, fat. I didn't feel sorry for myself or anything, but I was in a world where I was fat. It's who I was, what I was, and what I was concerned with. Now, I've moved into being a person who is fat, a person with a body that happens to have fat. You do things, and maybe your fat gets in the way, maybe not. It doesn't matter. You do what you do, and the fat is along for the ride. Sometimes your fat dictates what you do, but for the most part, it doesn't matter.

There we go.

So, rather than being fat this summer, I was Char, who happens to have a fat body, this summer. I hope that makes sense.

I did a lot more than I thought a fat person ever could, and I'm proud of that. I realise that my thinking was wrong, fat people can do pretty much whatever if they allow for being a person, rather than just 'fat'.

Now, I do need to clarify, being 'fat', rather than a 'fat person', can be fun. I certainly enjoyed it. There's a single-mindedness, purposefulness that can really be comfortable when embraced. I loved being fat, but it was good to make the transition too.

Anyways. Since I was no longer big fat foodie Char, but rather dynamic, embracing life, enjoying being fat, but not dwelling on being fat Char, I figured my weight would drop. Food wasn't a priority, and I was far more active. I could feel myself losing weight. I could feel myself gaining energy, it was easier to get around, I fit places I hadn't fit in a while. I liked being 500 pounds, but I didn't let the weight loss stop my summer of fun.

Without weighing in, it's tough to say how much you weigh. Even when you're tiny, sometimes gaining one pound might seem like ten, and losing 3 pounds might seem like 15. At my size, weight is really a product of the imagination. 500 pounds is bigger than 499, so when I'm 500, I feel bigger than 499.

At different times this summer, I've felt different sizes. I know I went over 500 pounds in June. For some reason I ate more just because I didn't have to. It was a lot of fun, really.

Then I got more active, especially our vacation in August, and my weight really started to plunge. It was tough to say, but I figured I was 480, maybe 470... even an outside chance of 490 if I gained a lot in June.

But I've been living these last few weeks as though I was 480 pounds. Big, sure. Jiggly? You bet! I still eat a lot for mere mortals. I love treats, but keep things balanced. I'm still wearing colossal clothing. I still pick my seats very carefully. I still avoid stairs whenever I can.

Today was my weigh in.

Holey
Cow

When it spun up to 517 pounds I could FEEL myself gain that weight in an instant. I went from Char-who-happens-to-be-fat right back to Fat-Char. Gravity reached out and reaffirmed its grip on me. My tummy jutted out 10 more inches. My energy dropped. And my appetite roared. It felt incredible, all that at once, just reminding me how much I love being fat, not just someone who happens to be overweight, but to just be FAT. Feeling gravity pulling on me, feeling my body fold over itself, wiggling and jiggling with every step, every breath. There is just so much! I'd gotten so used to what I could do, I'd gotten away from who I am.

Which brings me to a problem. I do want to lose weight. I'm still aiming to be 280 pounds. But I just don't think I'm ready for it. I'm just having so much fun, sitting here, typing, snacking, being 517 gloriously fat pounds of Char. I don't want to give it up, and yet I want to move on very much so.

It's going to take a little time to decide what happens next.

Incidentally, Ian's down to 404 pounds.

Labels: Char, Ian, weigh in