MsCezanne's Odyssey

Ellen looked in the mirror, examining herself from different angles. She couldn't see the problem. Sure, she was fat, but she had excellent skin, luxurious hair, and her face was at least 'girl next door'. She knew she was biased, but she had been told enough times that she had 'such a pretty face, if she only lost some weight', it was probably true.

Ellen had always been fat. Her parents were fat, many members of her family were fat. Some of them tried desperately to lose weight, but some of them, like Ellen, just accepted themselves the way they were. She was born fat, she had grown up fat. She was fat. Why fight who you are?

Ellen sighed and looked in the mirror. It was Friday night. She was home alone. Again. Maybe that's why she had to fight it.

***

When she'd started high school she was amongst the biggest students in the school. By graduation she was clearly the biggest. It didn't bother her, she was working hard to getting into university.

When university came, she was among the biggest students in the school. By the time she graduated, she was again clearly the biggest. It didn't bother her, she had a full scholarship, she was a sought after Teaching Assistant. She had offers for graduate studies, as well as lucrative job offers.

She'd focused on studying for so long, she knew that her social life had suffered. It was time to get on with life, it was time to get a job and be a grown up. Getting the job was tougher than she thought, too many people judged her by her weight. It didn't bother her too much, she knew these people couldn't help being narrow minded. She did eventually get a job that turned out to be better than what she'd hoped for anyway.

With her professional life established, Ellen finally tried to get her personal life in order. She spent more time with friends, getting to know them better outside the academic setting she'd always focused on. She was surprised to learn that they unanimously believed she needed to lose weight. She didn't need to lose weight, she'd simply find someone who could look past it.

She went on a few blind dates that didn't go well. She tried to meet men by going out with her friends, and had even less luck.

***

Another sigh, another look in the mirror. She started to look up gyms in her neighbourhood. It didn't feel right, changing for some unseen, unknown man, but not changing for some unseen unknown man just wasn't working for her.

It wasn't long before friends and co-workers were heaping praise on her. Ellen just smiled awkwardly and steered the conversation in another direction. She was following her diet and exercise regime with the same fervour she had brought to school, and the effects were clearly noticeable on her. Despite her friends' commendations, Ellen just didn't feel right. She felt as though she was depriving herself, she felt as though it was a self imposed torture. As her weight dropped, she became miserable.

Her friends noticed this change too, and Ellen found herself more lonely than ever. She hadn't lost enough weight to become 'desirable', she hated what she was doing to herself, and she couldn't help but take it out on others. She just kept her focus on work and on losing weight, hoping that something good would come of it soon.

***

One day Ellen got on the subway to work. She sat down and smiled to herself, now that there was room to sit next to her, she couldn't think of anyone she wanted to sit beside.

A stop later someone did sit down beside her. Ellen's smile turned to a frown, she wasn't used to sharing her space on the subway. Chalk up one more reason to hate what she was doing to herself. She recognised the man sitting beside her. She'd seen him on the subway many times before. They'd exchanged glances a few times, but they'd never sat together. Of course, Ellen realised, she'd never sat with anyone, not just him.
He smiled and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Ryan".

Still miserable about having her space invaded, Ellen was taken aback by how friendly Ryan sounded. "Um, hi. I'm... I'm Ellen."

"It's nice to meet you Ellen. I've seen you on the subway before."

"Yes, I've seen you too," she felt dumb for saying it, but wasn't sure what else to say. He was smiling at her. A man, was sitting, talking, and smiling with her.

"I notice you've lost some," Ryan offered nervously.

"Yeah, I've been on a diet and exercising," she shrugged. She felt awkward that he'd noticed.

"Um," Ryan hesitated for a moment, apparently trying to decide if he should ask or not, "why?"

Ellen was ready to snap at him for asking, but she could see the look on his face. He really wanted to know, there was a look in his eyes that asking this question would be the most important thing he'd do all day. He deserved a polite answer. "It's simple," she sighed, "I haven't had any luck finding a boyfriend. Men just don't want fat women."

"Not all men."

"Pardon me?" Ellen couldn't have heard him right.

"Not all men don't, I mean, some men like fat women."

"And where would I find these mythical men?" Ellen rolled her eyes, desperate to end the conversation now. Wishing she could just go back to normal, never have to sit next to anyone again.

"On the subway. Right next to you." Ryan's voice was quivering.

Ellen realised that he was being honest, actually, more than that, he was baring his soul to her, on the subway of all places. She turned to him and smiled. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

The next few minutes passed in an awkward silence as Ellen's stop eventually came. As Ryan moved out of her way, he finally spoke, "Ellen, it was a pleasure to finally meet you. I'll see you soon."

Ellen could not take her mind off her discussion with Ryan all day long. She wasn't sure what to think. What he said seemed right to her. Why would he lie about that?

On the ride home she looked all over the subway for him. Even with the weight she'd lost, she couldn't really squeeze through the throngs of people to find him, she wasn't even sure if they were on the same train or not. She didn't find him, and was very disappointed.

In fact, for the rest of the week she was on the look out for him, but she just couldn't seem to catch a break. What had happened to him? When would she see him again? Could she even hope to see him again?

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain