MsCezanne's Odyssey

It was just one of those mornings where nothing went right. Ryan forgot to set his alarm, so he overslept. His shower was cold (at least that helped him keep it short), the coffee maker created sludge, and the bagel he hoped to eat on the way was mouldy. Worst of all, he was going to catch a later train, and be late to work.

One thing that Ryantruly hated was taking a later train. He liked to get going early, and catch a train that wasn't busy. He'd get a seat, he'd get some room to himself. Not now. The platform was crammed, he'd be moving along with a mass of people, and standing for 40 minutes while the subway headed downtown.

Suddenly Ryan's day got much better. Suddenly Ryan caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of his eye. Suddenly Ryan had a purpose in life.

Ryan had caught sight of a woman who was beautiful. Many people would disagree with him, for the woman was quite overweight by just about any standard. Ryan's standards were different. This woman was quite beautiful, and at perhaps 300 pounds, was at a very appealing weight to him.

For as long as Ryan could remember he'd had an attraction to bigger girls. It was something he found embarrassing, because in this day and age being fat was frowned upon, how could he tell people that he liked fat women? So he kept his feelings to himself and dated skinny women. A few of them weren't dreadfully skinny, and he certainly did enjoy their company, they just never really filled the place in his heart that was waiting for a really big girl.

This woman wasn't the first big girl Ryan had ever seen of course. As he tried to cast a critical eye on her, without being seen to stare, Ryan could admit she wasn't the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. Certainly not a classic beauty. There was a quality about her though that made her far more desirable than any woman he'd ever seen before. Across a crowded, moving subway car, it was impossible to tell what it was.

For the whole trip he tried to move closer to this woman, but found it impossible without being too obvious. He couldn't really bring himself to just force his way through. People would know what he was up to. 40 minutes passed too quickly, and he was forced to leave the train and get to his office.

Ryan's day was pre-occupied by this woman. Who was she? Why had he never seen her before? Would he see her again? What was it about her that had struck him so completely?

On the ride home he looked around for her, but he couldn't find her. Ryan spent the next few days trying to find her on the train, but he was so set in his habits he found it difficult to wait for a later train. He couldn't find her again, and while she remained in his thoughts, she faded.

***

Several months later Ryan found himself having another bad morning, and being forced to take an overcrowded later train. As he was busily willing the people around him to die he caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of his eye. He noticed a woman was sitting not far from him, and there was no one beside her. There was no room on the seat beside her, she was taking it up.

It was her.

His miserable morning quickly forgotten, Ryan turned his full attention to her. Again, he tried to make sure he wasn't staring at her, but he had 40 minutes to take in as much detail of her as he could. He had a much better view of her than he'd had before.

She looked bigger, had she gotten bigger? Or was it a trick of the imagination? She was as beautiful as before. She was well dressed, she must have a good job or, his heart sank for a moment, a rich husband. No ring on the finger. He chose to believe she wasn't married. Again, he was struck by how beautiful she was, even though she didn't look quite as beautiful as he felt she did.

It was an odd sensation. He finally realised what it was. Most big women he spied in public seemed to be embarrassed about their weight. They dressed to hide, they kept their eyes down, hoping no one would notice them. Not her. She seemed like she might be queen of the subway, if anyone bothered to notice. He noticed.

Again she occupied his thoughts for the day. Again he attempted to find her again over the next few weeks. Again, it wasn't to be, and she faded from memory.

***

This pattern repeated itself a few times where he would come across her, notice that she was bigger than before, and not quite get the chance to talk to her. He knew that if he REALLY wanted to talk to her, he could. He just... couldn't. He wished he could, but just could not seem to get that extra ounce of confidence he needed.

One time he saw her and his heart almost broke: for the first time she actually seemed SMALLER than the last time he'd seen her. If only he could tell her it was okay to be fat.

Over time he saw her again and again, and each time there seemed to be less and less of her.

***

Finally the day came. Ryan got on the subway. It was busy, but not crowded. He could deal with that. He looked around and saw there was a free seat he could get to. He wondered why no one wanted it. As he got closer, he could see that the woman sitting next to the empty seat was taking it up a little bit. A moment later he realised it was her.

He sat down, trying not to touch her, though when their elbows brushed, he felt like a million volts were passing between them. She turned to him, apparently a little surprised he was there.

He smiled and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Ryan."

She looked a little stunned before stammering, "Um, hi. I'm... I'm Ellen."

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain

Ellen was alive again. When Ryan had told her that he'd like to see her gain weight, it was like waking from some awful nightmare. No longer did she have to torture herself to fit into some sort of brutal socially ideal size. Gone were the days of carefully planning to ensure she got exactly the nutrients and calories she needed without a bit more.

Ellen was going to live the life she was meant to live, and it was all thanks to Ryan.

When she woke up in the morning, she ate. She had a big breakfast with toast, eggs, bacon, fruit, yogurt. She took along bagels with cream cheese, maybe some danishes or muffins, to snack on during the ride to work.

At lunch she would hit the food court and get the supersized value meal from which ever place suited her fancy that day. Sometimes she'd order an extra side to go along with it.

She kept a supply of snacks and treats at her desk. They were set out for all to enjoy, but it was Ellen who ate most of them.

Dinners were more complicated. If she could plan ahead, she'd ensure there was a meal prepped for her to cook when she got home. If she didn't have the time, she wasn't above having some frozen dinners, picking something up on the way home or calling for delivery. As she became accustomed to her new eating habits, it wasn't uncommon for Ellen to pick something up, cook something and then call for a late delivery.

She became a familiar face at the market, butcher and bakery she used to visit regularly. A few staff still recognised her, and she was very happy to get back in touch with people she hadn't realised had been her good friends. Before long it was as though she'd never stopped visiting.

People around Ellen noticed the change immediately. At first they assumed she was just in love. They weren't far off the mark, she was very fond of Ryan, but it was her love of food that had turned her back into the bright, engaging and focused woman they used to know.

Ellen did notice that few people seemed to put together the fact that she was happy and had stopped dieting. She was used to people seeing the world through their own prisms, and it had never occurred to them that losing weight was the cause of sadness, and that gaining weight would be the source of rejoicing. It was okay with her. She was happy.

***

If Ellen had left it up to Ryan, they'd be seeing each other every waking second of every waking day. She appreciated his excitement of finding a woman to gain weight, she was very happy to find a guy who liked her to gain weight. She wasn't ready for that kind of commitment yet. She was taking her time getting her own life sorted out, she wasn't quite ready to share it with Ryan completely.

She still dated Ryan, of course. They would run into each other on the subway in the mornings, and he'd often track her down at lunch. He was very sweet, he would be happy to just sit quietly and watch her eat, or crowd into the seat next to her on the subway so no one else would.

For one date he had challenged her to eat through the entire menu of appetizers at a family restaurant. Another date saw her facing down a stack of pizzas. They spent one night at an all you can eat buffet, with Ryan making numerous trips for her until the place finally closed.

This time they were at a restaurant renowned for its cheesecakes. Ryan had ordered a slice of every flavour for Ellen and she was doing her best to eat them all. She knew that he loved to see that, and she really did like the idea of pushing her appetite and surprising herself.

As she took a break to let the piece she'd just finished settled she finally asked Ryan, "Just how big do you think I should get?"

"Oh, I don't really know. 500 pounds seems like a nice, round number, doesn't it?"

"500 pounds?" She replied, thinking about it. "I've never even been 400 pounds, that's going to be pretty big, I think."

Ryan smiled, "Sure, it's big, but that's what you want, isn't it?"

Ellen smiled back, "no, it's what YOU want, isn't it?"

"I'm pretty sure you want it too." Ryan pushed a slice of wildberry cheesecake in front of her.

She quickly finished off the cake before moving on to the next slice. She paused and said, "You know, I've already gained 20 pounds. It's not really going to take me all that long to reach 500 pounds. Maybe 600 is more realistic?"

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain

Ellen felt lighter than she'd ever felt before. It wasn't because she'd lost weight though; it was because she was so happy at having met Ryan. Her friends always told her how special it was to find someone that makes you happy. She'd always dismissed their claims, but now she got it. She really did feel like she was floating through life. She couldn't wait to see Ryan again!

Unfortunately, she did have to wait, he wasn't on the subway that morning. She tried calling him at work, but through their various meetings didn't get in touch until after lunch. When they did finally talk Ellen was pleased to learn he'd had as much fun meeting her as she'd had meeting him. They planned to go out for dinner on Friday.

Friday could not come soon enough for Ellen. She bought something new to wear. She spent extra time at the gym burning off nervous energy. She cleaned her apartment. She got her hair done. The week was a interminable dull blur to her. Nothing mattered, she just wanted to get to Friday.

Friday did come, and Ellen went to meet Ryan at the restaurant. It was a nice little place she'd heard of, but never went to. It wasn't a place with a dress code, but it seemed like it should. Once again, Ryan was there first. Once again, Ryan's mouth was agape when he first laid eyes on Ellen in her form fitting dress.

They had a pleasant dinner, talking about their respective weeks, talking about how nice it was to find someone that they've clicked so well with, talking about other things they might go out to do together.

Finally, as they finished their entrees and waited to order dessert, Ryan burst out, "I can't hold it back any more. I mean I know I'm not supposed to ask your weight, and I know you don't want to tell me, but I want to know. I need to ask. There, I've asked, you don't need to answer. But I want to know." He cast his eyes down on the table.

Ellen smiled, "I never understood why people don't talk about their weight."

Ryan's eyes lit up, looking deep into Ellen's. Her smile broadened.

"It's been a couple of days since I weighed myself, but I was 332 pounds then. Probably a little less now, I've been hitting the gym pretty hard."

"Three hundred and thirty two," Ryan repeated slowly, as though he now had the secret of life. "Um, would it be too much to ask how much you used to weigh?"

"Not at all," Ellen had never talked about her weight with anyone outside her family. It didn't really come up very much within her family. They weren't embarrassed to discuss weight, but since they were all big, and comfortable with it, there was very little to discuss. Opening up about it to Ryan was quite exciting to her. "The most I've ever weighed is 387 pounds. That was about a year ago."

"Three hundred and eighty seven? Wow!" Ryan's eyes were wide in appreciation. "What's that like, you know, being that big?"

"Lonely," Ellen laughed.

"Really? I'm sorry. But that's not what I mean, I mean... how does it feel?"

Ellen thought a moment, "It's hard to say. I was bigger. My clothes were bigger, I couldn't run. I don't really run now, but I don't think I could run then. It was just who I am."

"So how does it feel now?"

"It's awful! I feel like I'm depriving myself, I think I ate more tonight than I did all week. I'm always at the gym, I'm always eating 'right', I feel like my life is one big sacrifice, just losing weight to find someone who likes me."

Ryan took a moment to choose his words, "So you don't like losing weight?"

"No."

"You don't want to be thin?"

"I had to lose 50 pounds before a boy would talk to me."

Ryan paused again. "You didn't need to lose 50 pounds for me."

"It sure feels like I did," Ellen sighed.

"If I'd known, I'd have talked to you earlier."

"There wasn't room on the seat earlier."

"That's true," Ryan laughed. "So you really like being fat?"

"Yes."

"Would you like..." Ryan was interrupted by their waiter clearing the plates and giving them a dessert menu. "Would you like to be 387 pounds again?"

Ellen let out a wistful sigh. "Yes."

"So do it."

"Do what?" Ellen asked. "Gain weight?"

"Yes."

"On purpose?"

Ryan almost shouted, and took a moment to compose himself, "yes."

"Why?"

"Because you want to! Because you looked so good when you were fat. I mean bigger, I mean. You know what i mean. You looked incredible. I mean you look incredible now, but then you were so... ahhh... well..."

Ellen interrupted him, "you really want me to gain weight? To be 387 pounds?"

Ryan nodded, trying not to let his voice rise and thoughts ramble.

She turned to the waiter and ordered three desserts. She could see Ryan nearly explode with pleasure.

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain

Ellen was in a state of confusion. She's always been fat, fat as a teenager, fatter in college, and ever fatter as an adult. She finally took steps to lose weight, and suddenly she meets Ryan, who tells her that there are men who actually like women who are fat.

And then she doesn't see him for two weeks.

Was he playing a joke on her? Did she only hear what she wanted to hear? Was it really just a dream? She continued her workouts and her diet, the feelings of torture and deprivation they brought on were more intense than ever. She hated to diet and exercise, and she hated herself for hating it. She'd finally decided she needed to lose weight, and she was doing it and then, well, she didn't know what she wanted now.

She looked in the mirror. The clothes she wore were too large for her. She was getting used to that. It certainly looked better than wearing clothes that were too tight, something she was much more used to seeing. It made her look like she was playing dress up though, the clothes just didn't fit right. There was no time to change though, and besides, this was the smallest outfit she had to wear.

She was late for the subway that day, and it was more crowded than normal. While she hated being thin enough to share a bench on the train, at least she could get her thinner body through crowds much easier. In fact, the other day she actually ran for a train. She couldn't remember the last time she'd run (except on the treadmill).

Despite the crowd she did manage to find a seat. A few more stops and the train was filled to capacity, and Ellen had to deal with someone sitting next to her, pressing against her. She was reminded of when Ryan sat next to her that one time and looked, but it wasn't him. She'd mostly given up looking for Ryan after a week. She wasn't sure if she'd see him again, and felt silly hoping to see him.

Over her shoulder she could hear people muttering, someone was pushing their way through. It was Ryan! He'd seen her, and was trying to get close enough to talk to her. The crowd was too thick though, and while they waved and smiled, they couldn't really say anything.

Ryan's stop came up before the crowd would disperse. Ellen could see that Ryan was torn between getting off and staying on. Suddenly she jumped up (and she couldn't remember the last time she'd jumped up!) and made a dash for the door. He took her cue, and they both exited, meeting on the platform.

They stood smiling at each other. Ellen was panting from her exertion. Ryan motioned her over to a bench and they sat down while she caught her breath. Ryan was very clearly getting a good look at her. He finally said 'I rarely get an unobstructed view of you'. He suddenly became embarrassed, realising what he'd said. 'I like what I see though.'

Ellen just smiled, her breath coming back to her. 'Thanks, you're not so bad yourself.'

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before Ellen spoke again, 'did you mean what you said? I mean on the subway before, when you said you like bigger women?'

Ryan looked at his watch, tried to look back to Ellen, but couldn't look her in the eyes. Instead he focused on a poster for some gum. 'Yes. I do. I think you're incredibly beautiful. I always wanted to tell you, but... I don't know.' He looked at his watch again, 'Um, I'm going to be late for work, I was glad to talk to you though.'

Ellen turned to him, 'I'm not going to make it to work. I'm still too winded. I'm going to call in sick. Why don't you, I mean why don't we,' it occurred to Ellen she'd never asked anyone out before. It's what she wanted to do, but what if he said no?

Ryan got up and gave her his card, 'I'll be at my desk in 20 minutes, you can call me then.'

Ellen watched as Ryan virtually floated up the escalator and out of sight. She sat for another few minutes, catching her breath, watch the other commuters on their way to whereever. She didn't care. She had a date. Sort of.

***

Now that she was had the day off, had a date for lunch, was wearing clothes that just didn't fit, and was downtown, Ellen decided to go treat herself to a manicure and get some new clothes.

After getting her nails done Ellen was off to buy clothes. Normally she hated buying clothes. She'd never been 'into fashion', and the bigger the sizes, the smaller the selection, she would always get something comfortable and be done with. Her friends always bugged her that she was making enough money she really should dress like it. As she'd lost weight the selection of clothes grew, though she still put little effort into shopping. Not today. She found a nice plus sized boutique and told the saleswoman exactly what she needed an outfit for.

She tried on several different outfits, and rather liked how they looked. Eventually she settled on a skirt suit that seemed the most right to her. Ellen had to admit that the way the fabric framed her curves she looked very beautiful. Ryan was going to love it.

It was easily the best morning that Ellen could remember having in a long time. Certainly the best morning she'd had since she started losing weight. What better way to celebrate than going out to eat?

***

Neither Ryan nor Ellen had been to the restaurant before. It was well regarded for both its cuisine and speed of service; if you had a business lunch, this was the place to go. When Ellen arrived, the place was already busy. In fact, Ryan was waiting for her at a table not too far inside.

When she got closer to the table she could see that Ryan was openly staring at her. She turned a little pirouette for him before she sat down, and smiled when she saw his chin was practically on the table.

He handed her a piece of bread and said, 'You looking absolutely stunning.'

'Thank you,' she smiled and took the bread to butter it. 'I'm glad you noticed. Back when we first talked on the train, I didn't know if you were being serious or not. Now I know you are though.'

They chatted during lunch. They talked about their work, and generally just getting to know each other. Ellen would have enjoyed the lunch without Ryan, she was so far off her diet, she was in absolute heaven. She could see that Ryan was enjoying watching her enjoy her food. She felt self conscious about it, but it was so good, she didn't really care too much.

When it was time for dessert, she could see Ryan waiting hesitantly for her order. She smiled and got what seemed to be the highest calorie plate from the cart. Even though her heart was racing, she almost feel Ryans pounding faster.

'So,' she said between bites, 'how long have you liked bigger women?'

Ryan came to life, but also squirmed a little. It was obvious he wanted to discuss it, and yet he seemed embarrassed to do so. 'As long as I can remember, really. I remember seeing fat women in cartoons, on talk shows, just wherever, and was entranced. There was a girl in my class, she was so fat, and I liked her so much.'

'So what happened?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, what happened with this girl?' Ellen asked.

'Oh. I never asked her out.'

'Why not?'

Ryan paused, and lowered his eyes. 'I was just too embarassed to talk to the fat girl. What would my friends think?! I mean, it sounds silly now, but it was a big deal back then. If I could go back... I would.'

'So how many big girls have you dated?'

'Really big? None. Kinda big? Well... none. I've only ever really dated 'normal' women. Usually kinda curvy, but none really big.'

Ellen could see the pain in Ryan. 'So why me?'

Ryan looked her in the eyes, 'Well, you're so incredibly beautiful for one. As for myself, I knew I finally had to get over my fear of asking. When I saw you on the subway, I knew you were the one I had to ask out. I knew it. I'd always try to get next to you, but I never could. And then one day I did, and, well, it just worked out.'

Ellen smiled at him. 'I'm glad it worked out.'

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain

Ellen looked in the mirror, examining herself from different angles. She couldn't see the problem. Sure, she was fat, but she had excellent skin, luxurious hair, and her face was at least 'girl next door'. She knew she was biased, but she had been told enough times that she had 'such a pretty face, if she only lost some weight', it was probably true.

Ellen had always been fat. Her parents were fat, many members of her family were fat. Some of them tried desperately to lose weight, but some of them, like Ellen, just accepted themselves the way they were. She was born fat, she had grown up fat. She was fat. Why fight who you are?

Ellen sighed and looked in the mirror. It was Friday night. She was home alone. Again. Maybe that's why she had to fight it.

***

When she'd started high school she was amongst the biggest students in the school. By graduation she was clearly the biggest. It didn't bother her, she was working hard to getting into university.

When university came, she was among the biggest students in the school. By the time she graduated, she was again clearly the biggest. It didn't bother her, she had a full scholarship, she was a sought after Teaching Assistant. She had offers for graduate studies, as well as lucrative job offers.

She'd focused on studying for so long, she knew that her social life had suffered. It was time to get on with life, it was time to get a job and be a grown up. Getting the job was tougher than she thought, too many people judged her by her weight. It didn't bother her too much, she knew these people couldn't help being narrow minded. She did eventually get a job that turned out to be better than what she'd hoped for anyway.

With her professional life established, Ellen finally tried to get her personal life in order. She spent more time with friends, getting to know them better outside the academic setting she'd always focused on. She was surprised to learn that they unanimously believed she needed to lose weight. She didn't need to lose weight, she'd simply find someone who could look past it.

She went on a few blind dates that didn't go well. She tried to meet men by going out with her friends, and had even less luck.

***

Another sigh, another look in the mirror. She started to look up gyms in her neighbourhood. It didn't feel right, changing for some unseen, unknown man, but not changing for some unseen unknown man just wasn't working for her.

It wasn't long before friends and co-workers were heaping praise on her. Ellen just smiled awkwardly and steered the conversation in another direction. She was following her diet and exercise regime with the same fervour she had brought to school, and the effects were clearly noticeable on her. Despite her friends' commendations, Ellen just didn't feel right. She felt as though she was depriving herself, she felt as though it was a self imposed torture. As her weight dropped, she became miserable.

Her friends noticed this change too, and Ellen found herself more lonely than ever. She hadn't lost enough weight to become 'desirable', she hated what she was doing to herself, and she couldn't help but take it out on others. She just kept her focus on work and on losing weight, hoping that something good would come of it soon.

***

One day Ellen got on the subway to work. She sat down and smiled to herself, now that there was room to sit next to her, she couldn't think of anyone she wanted to sit beside.

A stop later someone did sit down beside her. Ellen's smile turned to a frown, she wasn't used to sharing her space on the subway. Chalk up one more reason to hate what she was doing to herself. She recognised the man sitting beside her. She'd seen him on the subway many times before. They'd exchanged glances a few times, but they'd never sat together. Of course, Ellen realised, she'd never sat with anyone, not just him.
He smiled and introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Ryan".

Still miserable about having her space invaded, Ellen was taken aback by how friendly Ryan sounded. "Um, hi. I'm... I'm Ellen."

"It's nice to meet you Ellen. I've seen you on the subway before."

"Yes, I've seen you too," she felt dumb for saying it, but wasn't sure what else to say. He was smiling at her. A man, was sitting, talking, and smiling with her.

"I notice you've lost some," Ryan offered nervously.

"Yeah, I've been on a diet and exercising," she shrugged. She felt awkward that he'd noticed.

"Um," Ryan hesitated for a moment, apparently trying to decide if he should ask or not, "why?"

Ellen was ready to snap at him for asking, but she could see the look on his face. He really wanted to know, there was a look in his eyes that asking this question would be the most important thing he'd do all day. He deserved a polite answer. "It's simple," she sighed, "I haven't had any luck finding a boyfriend. Men just don't want fat women."

"Not all men."

"Pardon me?" Ellen couldn't have heard him right.

"Not all men don't, I mean, some men like fat women."

"And where would I find these mythical men?" Ellen rolled her eyes, desperate to end the conversation now. Wishing she could just go back to normal, never have to sit next to anyone again.

"On the subway. Right next to you." Ryan's voice was quivering.

Ellen realised that he was being honest, actually, more than that, he was baring his soul to her, on the subway of all places. She turned to him and smiled. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

The next few minutes passed in an awkward silence as Ellen's stop eventually came. As Ryan moved out of her way, he finally spoke, "Ellen, it was a pleasure to finally meet you. I'll see you soon."

Ellen could not take her mind off her discussion with Ryan all day long. She wasn't sure what to think. What he said seemed right to her. Why would he lie about that?

On the ride home she looked all over the subway for him. Even with the weight she'd lost, she couldn't really squeeze through the throngs of people to find him, she wasn't even sure if they were on the same train or not. She didn't find him, and was very disappointed.

In fact, for the rest of the week she was on the look out for him, but she just couldn't seem to catch a break. What had happened to him? When would she see him again? Could she even hope to see him again?

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain