MsCezanne's Odyssey

Ellen was in a state of confusion. She's always been fat, fat as a teenager, fatter in college, and ever fatter as an adult. She finally took steps to lose weight, and suddenly she meets Ryan, who tells her that there are men who actually like women who are fat.

And then she doesn't see him for two weeks.

Was he playing a joke on her? Did she only hear what she wanted to hear? Was it really just a dream? She continued her workouts and her diet, the feelings of torture and deprivation they brought on were more intense than ever. She hated to diet and exercise, and she hated herself for hating it. She'd finally decided she needed to lose weight, and she was doing it and then, well, she didn't know what she wanted now.

She looked in the mirror. The clothes she wore were too large for her. She was getting used to that. It certainly looked better than wearing clothes that were too tight, something she was much more used to seeing. It made her look like she was playing dress up though, the clothes just didn't fit right. There was no time to change though, and besides, this was the smallest outfit she had to wear.

She was late for the subway that day, and it was more crowded than normal. While she hated being thin enough to share a bench on the train, at least she could get her thinner body through crowds much easier. In fact, the other day she actually ran for a train. She couldn't remember the last time she'd run (except on the treadmill).

Despite the crowd she did manage to find a seat. A few more stops and the train was filled to capacity, and Ellen had to deal with someone sitting next to her, pressing against her. She was reminded of when Ryan sat next to her that one time and looked, but it wasn't him. She'd mostly given up looking for Ryan after a week. She wasn't sure if she'd see him again, and felt silly hoping to see him.

Over her shoulder she could hear people muttering, someone was pushing their way through. It was Ryan! He'd seen her, and was trying to get close enough to talk to her. The crowd was too thick though, and while they waved and smiled, they couldn't really say anything.

Ryan's stop came up before the crowd would disperse. Ellen could see that Ryan was torn between getting off and staying on. Suddenly she jumped up (and she couldn't remember the last time she'd jumped up!) and made a dash for the door. He took her cue, and they both exited, meeting on the platform.

They stood smiling at each other. Ellen was panting from her exertion. Ryan motioned her over to a bench and they sat down while she caught her breath. Ryan was very clearly getting a good look at her. He finally said 'I rarely get an unobstructed view of you'. He suddenly became embarrassed, realising what he'd said. 'I like what I see though.'

Ellen just smiled, her breath coming back to her. 'Thanks, you're not so bad yourself.'

There was a moment of uncomfortable silence before Ellen spoke again, 'did you mean what you said? I mean on the subway before, when you said you like bigger women?'

Ryan looked at his watch, tried to look back to Ellen, but couldn't look her in the eyes. Instead he focused on a poster for some gum. 'Yes. I do. I think you're incredibly beautiful. I always wanted to tell you, but... I don't know.' He looked at his watch again, 'Um, I'm going to be late for work, I was glad to talk to you though.'

Ellen turned to him, 'I'm not going to make it to work. I'm still too winded. I'm going to call in sick. Why don't you, I mean why don't we,' it occurred to Ellen she'd never asked anyone out before. It's what she wanted to do, but what if he said no?

Ryan got up and gave her his card, 'I'll be at my desk in 20 minutes, you can call me then.'

Ellen watched as Ryan virtually floated up the escalator and out of sight. She sat for another few minutes, catching her breath, watch the other commuters on their way to whereever. She didn't care. She had a date. Sort of.

***

Now that she was had the day off, had a date for lunch, was wearing clothes that just didn't fit, and was downtown, Ellen decided to go treat herself to a manicure and get some new clothes.

After getting her nails done Ellen was off to buy clothes. Normally she hated buying clothes. She'd never been 'into fashion', and the bigger the sizes, the smaller the selection, she would always get something comfortable and be done with. Her friends always bugged her that she was making enough money she really should dress like it. As she'd lost weight the selection of clothes grew, though she still put little effort into shopping. Not today. She found a nice plus sized boutique and told the saleswoman exactly what she needed an outfit for.

She tried on several different outfits, and rather liked how they looked. Eventually she settled on a skirt suit that seemed the most right to her. Ellen had to admit that the way the fabric framed her curves she looked very beautiful. Ryan was going to love it.

It was easily the best morning that Ellen could remember having in a long time. Certainly the best morning she'd had since she started losing weight. What better way to celebrate than going out to eat?

***

Neither Ryan nor Ellen had been to the restaurant before. It was well regarded for both its cuisine and speed of service; if you had a business lunch, this was the place to go. When Ellen arrived, the place was already busy. In fact, Ryan was waiting for her at a table not too far inside.

When she got closer to the table she could see that Ryan was openly staring at her. She turned a little pirouette for him before she sat down, and smiled when she saw his chin was practically on the table.

He handed her a piece of bread and said, 'You looking absolutely stunning.'

'Thank you,' she smiled and took the bread to butter it. 'I'm glad you noticed. Back when we first talked on the train, I didn't know if you were being serious or not. Now I know you are though.'

They chatted during lunch. They talked about their work, and generally just getting to know each other. Ellen would have enjoyed the lunch without Ryan, she was so far off her diet, she was in absolute heaven. She could see that Ryan was enjoying watching her enjoy her food. She felt self conscious about it, but it was so good, she didn't really care too much.

When it was time for dessert, she could see Ryan waiting hesitantly for her order. She smiled and got what seemed to be the highest calorie plate from the cart. Even though her heart was racing, she almost feel Ryans pounding faster.

'So,' she said between bites, 'how long have you liked bigger women?'

Ryan came to life, but also squirmed a little. It was obvious he wanted to discuss it, and yet he seemed embarrassed to do so. 'As long as I can remember, really. I remember seeing fat women in cartoons, on talk shows, just wherever, and was entranced. There was a girl in my class, she was so fat, and I liked her so much.'

'So what happened?'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, what happened with this girl?' Ellen asked.

'Oh. I never asked her out.'

'Why not?'

Ryan paused, and lowered his eyes. 'I was just too embarassed to talk to the fat girl. What would my friends think?! I mean, it sounds silly now, but it was a big deal back then. If I could go back... I would.'

'So how many big girls have you dated?'

'Really big? None. Kinda big? Well... none. I've only ever really dated 'normal' women. Usually kinda curvy, but none really big.'

Ellen could see the pain in Ryan. 'So why me?'

Ryan looked her in the eyes, 'Well, you're so incredibly beautiful for one. As for myself, I knew I finally had to get over my fear of asking. When I saw you on the subway, I knew you were the one I had to ask out. I knew it. I'd always try to get next to you, but I never could. And then one day I did, and, well, it just worked out.'

Ellen smiled at him. 'I'm glad it worked out.'

Labels: Ellen, FA, fiction, Ryan, weight gain