MsCezanne's Odyssey

For the first time in weeks, I haven’t lost weight over the past week. I’m not really all that surprised: Ian was out of town over the long weekend, and I pretty much ate junk. I didn’t feel like cooking, so I wallowed in chips, ice cream fast food etc. It was fun to do, but it’s nice getting back to normal.

Actually, I’m surprised I didn’t GAIN weight.

I’m also pleased that Ian didn’t lose weight. He went with some friends to help open up a family cottage. This year they did it as a ‘guys only’ thing. There was a lot of heavy work that needed to be done, so I don’t really mind not going. Besides, I had to work on the weekend.

Thomas came home from Italy. I’m so jealous of him it’s not even funny. He was working on cataloguing some paintings. There wasn’t anything groundbreaking in his research, but still, he sounds like he had a blast being over there. He’s pretty sure he’ll be invited to work with the same people again in the future, and he’ll see about getting me a chance to tag along and see if I can help out.

He also thanked me for the 20 pounds that Amy gained while he was gone. I told him that it was the NHL playoffs he had to thank. I can’t believe she gained that much weight that quickly! I guess I just didn’t notice. She’s almost 300 pounds, so she’s getting to be quite a bit larger than I am.

I’ve reached my goal of reaching 300 pounds. I’ve set another goal of getting to 280, but it doesn’t feel like a ‘real’ goal to me. I’m sure I’ll get to it, just a matter of time. I’ve been noticing that I sort of miss my weight these days. With Ian being so much more massive than me, and with Amy surpassing my weight, they’re enjoying what I had.

Of course, out in the real world I’m still fat, but it’s really a manageable fat. I might be bigger than anyone at the store, but people my size or bigger come in from time to time now.

Anyway, it’s not just that.

The job at the store is good. I get to meet with local artists, I get to talk with some people, it’s very fulfilling. Except it’s not very challenging. Michelle keeps asking me to bring in some of my own work, but I just can’t. I don’t like my work enough to let other people pay for it.

I know I’ve thought about going to cooking school. Maybe that would be a challenge that I’m looking for. Now that I’ve lost the weight, I don’t have to worry about being on my feet all day in a kitchen, so I’m going to start looking into that. Hopefully that will add the spice to my life (no pun intended) that has been missing the last couple of weeks.

I noticed that blogger changed the way they work.

I think I broke everything switching over. I'll see if Ian can help me out later.

I've lost all my old comments. It's not that I didn't value your comments, but... they're gone, sorry.

The Study of Weight Gain

I wonder if anyone has ever done a study on the social impact on weight gain?

I know that my own observations are far from scientific, but this isn’t exactly… um… Science Weekly, so who cares how scientific they are?

I have two subjects, let’s call them A and I. Subject I is clearly an alpha male (well, okay, he’s the only male). Subject I has a mate, C, however, C is not part of the study. Subject A is a beta female, however, we won’t let her know that.

Currently, subject I is overweight. I’d estimate he’s at least twice the weight of an average male his height and age. Similarly, subject A is also pretty fat.

However, this study delves into the past. Approximately 1 year ago Subject I was overweight, but not as much. His weight was increasing, but at a slow, steady pace. Subject A was slightly overweight, and in a cycle of gaining and losing weight (commonly known among human dieters as ‘yo-yo’ dieting).

Circumstances outside of the study have changed the course of A’s weight. She stopped her yo-yo’ing, and began a steady increase in mass. Once A and I realised they both had a common goal of increasing their respective masses (massi?), they began to work collaboratively. Regular social occasions ensued, which focused around large and varied menus of food.

Over time, the frequency of these occasions increased, as did the quantity of food brought to these assemblies. As the frequency and volume increased, so did the resulting increase in masses (massi?) of the subjects.

Conclusion: if you want to be fat, it’s easier if you have someone else who wants to be fat.

Stay tuned for my next study: the effects of fat men on female sexual arousal. (If I cannot find a test subject, I will be forced to conduct the study on myself)

Charlotte's Jealousy

I’ve decided I’m officially jealous of Ian. He’s the luckiest person I know. He’s got an intelligent, beautiful woman who dotes on him. He gets to eat everything he wants. He’s got a majestic body that provides him correspondingly immense pleasure.

I know Ian works very hard at work. He makes tonnes more money than I do, so I don’t really mind keeping up my end by doing most of the chores around home. Also, I don’t mind doing the shopping and the cleaning, it’s easier for me, and I’m happy to let him conserve his energy, use his time better.

But god I’d love to be in his position!

He’s much larger than I ever was, by almost 50 pounds now. I felt absolutely humungous, and he’s bigger. I’d love to know how that feels. Of course, I wasn’t as comfortable at 460 as I’m fantasizing now, so it’s kind of a tough call. Perhaps I’m jealous that he doesn’t resent the weight at all. Either way, his stomach is simply enormous, and I’ll never know how it feels to lug around such a prominent paunch.

This morning he woke up before I did, but just sitting up rocked the bed enough that I woke up too. Seeing him sitting there, with his fabulous expanse of flesh piled high and wide beside me, gave me a shiver. I just cuddled up with him, enjoying how warm and soft he is now. I love trying to reach my arms around. I love how his fat yields to mine as we press together for a kiss.

Now, at the same time I wish to become mammoth like Ian, I’m also wishing to have my old, sleek body back. I can barely imagine to know what it would be like to have my totally flat abdomen rubbing against that massive belly of his. Or when we kiss, the squishing is my ribcage against his flesh. Right now I feel like I’m in a sort of limbo. I’m fat, but not huge. I’m smaller than Ian, but not really all that small. I feel like I’ve got the worst of both worlds.

I’m sure this will pass, although I wonder if losing another 10 pounds will make me happy. Will I keep losing weight? How much do I have to lose before I’m feeling better? Or should I give it up and start to eat again?

Then, I come back to my main goal. Having kids. It doesn’t seem to fit into my heart right now. I’m desperate to have children. I want it more than anything. Except to have control over my body. I want to be fat/skinny more than I want kids, except I don’t know how fat/skinny I want to be.

So, I continue along, keeping active, eating ‘right’ and hoping that I’ll be happy with my appearance come September.

Why?

I know a few people wonder why I’d be happy with Ian gaining weight. There are two main reasons; number one, I’ve discovered that a soft, well rounded form has a majestic poetry all to itself. The second reason is the joy it brings him. I love Ian dearly, and so anything that makes him happy makes me happy. If Ian is happiest with a full tummy, then I’m happy ensuring his tummy is full. If Ian is happy eating the latest pasta concoction I’ve created, then I’ll keep creating new meals for him.

Like everything else, it boils down to my artistic tendencies: I like what I see, and I like to create. And like all artists, not everyone shares my aesthetics, not everyone shares my creative vision. I can understand that. If someone doesn’t like the idea of a 500 pound man, they’re welcome to that idea.

I’m also quite happy with Amy’s weight gain. I never set out to make her fat. She was already pudgy when I moved into London. Of course, I didn’t really hold back my cooking, even when she asked me to.

Of course, once Thomas liked the idea of Amy gaining weight, I was more than happy to become party to her weight gain. I love having an audience for my art, and that includes meals. When Jeri was gaining weight, I never thought of it as an artistic pursuit. Even when I was gaining weight, it was more decadent than artistic. But with Ian, I learned that his weight gain was like sculpting in flesh. Each pound he gained was a pound that I added, like another brushstroke to a painting.

With Amy, I’ve had a chance to relive that experience. I’ve seen her fill out, transitioning from overweight to chubby to fat to obese. Just seeing her wearing my old clothes gave me a thrill. Seeing how she has now adopted a waddle, it gives me a slight shiver. She’s changed forever, and I had a hand in it.

Of course, there is a bit of narcissistic pride to be found in Amy as well. She’s actually fatter than I am, in terms of BMI if not actual weight. I look at her, and see a fat woman, and realise that I’m not like that any more.

Of course, I still am fat, and will likely always be. But I’ve still got that 15 year old girl in the back of my head who has that need to be ‘better’ that someone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that I’m better than Amy in any way. But I’d be dishonest to discount this vile little thought that is buried in my mind.

Ian says tonight may be Toronto’s last game of the year. I don’t know if Amy will keep coming over once the playoffs are done. I think she will, she still misses Thomas, so it gives her something to do. I don’t mind having an extra person to feed one bit!