MsCezanne's Odyssey

Okay, I appreciate that the Canadian government values parenting enough to actually pay you to take a year off from work so you can actually raise your child without having to worry about going to back to work. I really do. But I'm seriously considering writing my MP to ask for 13 months. It's simply not fair that I have to go back to work at the exact same time I'm trying to have Paul's first birthday. I know there will be a million 'milestones' in his life, but come on, a first birthday is a BIG DEAL. It has to be just right, it's his first birthday for god's sake! And I'm trying to learn a new filing system, remember 8 thousand passwords, squeeze into appropriate work attire, figure out who does what now, what my title is, how to work the system, why my parking spot is now a high rise... I don't have time for that, I need to get the perfect cake, decide what Paul's going to wear, what I'm going to wear, who's coming, how long it's going to be, where it's going to be.

13 months, I need that extra month for his birthday. Just one month, there's no milestones in that month.

So, I've been busy, I'm back at work (yay). It really IS nice to be back at work. It's surprising what comes back to you right away, and it's also surprising what doesn't. Once you're logged into that system, it's like you never left, but dealing with people... you expect them to be more grown up and predictable than a one year old and they're not. They're not!

Anyways, I'm settling down, I've gotten over the feeling that I've abandoned Paul (he's a good boy, he doesn't cry when I drop him off) and I'm getting used to the rhythm of the work day.

With that, I hope to get back to my diary a little more often.

Quick update:
I'm 456 pounds (closing in on 460!), Ian's 519 pounds, so there's just 63 pounds between us now, and I need to fire up the BMI calculator again, 'cause I'm pretty sure we're about dead even there. I LOOK bigger than he does now.

Since even my maternity work clothes are on the teeny side I had to make a run for the border for some clothes to wear to work next week. It was also the first time I've taken Sherry along for buying fat girl clothes, so she could finally see what I mean about selection. It's been getting better, and there are plenty of stores now, in the US, that I can go to. The selection may be smaller than for skinny girls, but I did get everything I needed and pretty much what I wanted.

The fun part of being fat is that you just don't know what's going to fit and what isn't. 5x, size 36, is that for someone with a big bum or a big belly? Only one way to find out! I tried on tonnes of clothes, it's fun to see how my body looks in a thousand different sizes, styles and colours, what works, what doesn't, what *I* like and what *society* is ready for. The draw back of being fat is that trying on a lot of clothes means a lot of time on your feet, shimmying in and out of clothes that might be a lot tight. I'd love to try on clothes all day, but I'm not really up to that any more.

Sherry did have fun keeping me company though. She's got a pretty good eye for what does and doesn't work, and she even learned pretty quickly how to spot what would and wouldn't fit me. She's better at it than I am. Of course, she can see all of me, and all I can see are my boobs and belly.

We'll have to go shopping for new clothes for her in a couple of months she figures. Her clothes are getting a tad tight, but she likes how it feels for now.

In Amy news she still doesn't know what her weight is. Now that their office is a little more settled she's making a better effort at keeping snacks handy. They've got drop in business, so it's nice to have food available anyway. This just gives her that extra excuse to have a few extra doughnuts. "Gotta make room for the fresh ones." She has been friends with the construction guys. They're on to their next job, but still inviting her out for beer and wings on game night, and they're still trying to see how many wings it takes to fill her up. She was a little worried they were just being nice 'cause she was signing the cheque.

After a rather disappointing gain of zero pounds last week, I managed to put on 3 pounds worth of Hallowe'en candy this week! I'm sure there was more to it than the candy, but who cares? I'm fat, and I'm happy. Ian managed to resist the candy, and dropped another 2 pounds himself. He's not as fat, and he's happy too.

As for the motivation to go back to work? It's simply financial: my EI runs out next week. I would love to stay home and keep getting fatter. I'll do what I can to ensure work doesn't stop me from getting fatter though! I don't think that I'll ever reach 700 pounds, but don't think the ideal doesn't appeal to me.

I thought I had more to add, but I guess not. It started foggy today, now it's a bright day out, when the kids are up, Sherry and I are going for a walk.

Char: 454
Ian: 523
Diff: 69

Word from Calgary has it that Amy's still losing weight, and I might be able to retake Amy in the raw tonnage category any day now! I'm sorry to hear that she's losing weight, but I never thought I'd have an opportunity to be fatter than her again, I'm really quite excited about that! She is quick to point out that since I'm taller, she's technically fatter. That's just what skinny people say to feel good about themselves, lol.

Amy's already made her New Year's resolution to get back to gaining weight, she figures things will be running smoother by then so she can spend a little more time eating than she does now. I'm sure I'll be far bigger by then, BMI or no BMI.

The weekend was fabulous weather wise out here. The park is absolutely stunning, so Ian, Sherry and Ken took the kids around the park while I did some pencils. And by doing pencils, I mean I ate with my sketch pad somewhere on the bench... I'm trying to enjoy the nice weather, but I'm trying to build up my appetite too! I hate having to choose one over the other, but the weather and the park will not last, I can always eat more later.

And I did eat more later too.

Ian's got the apartment running pretty smoothly. We've had to make some adjustments now that Paul is cruising the furniture. He can get into things he couldn't before, so it's almost a race to stay one step ahead of him. The results make the place look a little minimalist from 3 feet down, but there's a lot less shouting 'no' now too. It also forces us to decide what to do about things, and it's nice to make some changes around the place, just for the sake of change.

I love how the relationship between me and Ian changes as out relationships with food change, how the dynamic between us fluctuates with our fluctuating weights. It just seems natural to fill each others' needs as our needs change. When Ian was fat and I was smaller, I had no problem taking care of everything for him. We never discussed it, it just happened. Now that Ian's in better shape and I'm taking on greater proportions, he's happy to do the things that I can't or won't. There's no list, he just does them. (Note, I'm not just talking about house hold chores either. It just occurs to me Paul might read this one day, and that's the last thing he'll want to read about...)

It's funny, I catch myself thinking that I'm fatter than Ian, and I'm still not. He's 525 pounds, I'm 451 pounds, which is a 74 pound difference, even by BMI he's still the fat one. For a while though, it just feels like I'm fatter than he is. It has a lot to do with his energy level, he really doesn't act like he's 500+ pounds, or at least he doesn't act like he used to act when he was 500+ pounds. I love having that feeling, that I'm bigger than he is, even though he's still titanically huge. He's just not nearly as big as he was before. He looks more rugged now, with the fat melting away from his hips and chest he doesn't look as girlie as he did at 600 pounds. Maybe that's the difference?

Oh, and Sherry isn't interested in creating a website right now. She actually has some friends who have sites up, and they spend a lot of time keeping it running smoothly, and they're not exactly swimming in money from those ventures. She has been invited to join her friends in the past though, and they've given her some advice which seems pretty sound to me.

If you'd like to email her, just email me and I'll forward you to her... if I think you're worthy of my busy friend's time...

I’ve been busy. I go back to work in a few weeks, and there’s so much that I want to do, it’s just tough to fit it all in!

Sherry and I have taken the kids to day care a couple of times now. Leaving your baby with a stranger for the first time is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done… and I’ve held a bowl of ice cream just out of Fat Ian’s reach!

This is a sort of apology, from here on, my diary updates are going to be less frequent. I’m going to be busy, life is going to be routine, and I’m pretty sure my diary will suffer for it. I’m not planning to give it up, but I doubt I’ll post as often. I could be mistaken, I certainly hope so! But this is fair warning. It may drift off into oblivion…

With that said, here’s the week’s update:

Amy’s business is up and running. They’re still finishing up their offices, but they have staff, they have contacts and they have clients! She says it’s crazy, they’re going to lots of parties, but it’s all about the business now. She misses having parties where she can sit down and be fed. Just not very professional I guess.

For their costumes Amy dressed up as a French maid, and Thomas got a ‘fat French maid’ costume. I’m betting Amy looked better though.

Ian and I didn’t do anything for Hallowe’en. Paul’s still a little young to take trick or treating, and the whole thing just sort of snuck up on us, so we didn’t have time to get anything together.

Ah well. At least Ian bought me plenty of snack food.

Ian’s workouts are back on track, he dropped 5 pounds this week! I didn’t manage to gain any, I’ve been busy, and while I try to eat, I really do spend a lot of calories being a mom. Still, we’re 5 pounds closer to being comparably sized.

Sherry really has been getting into it. She’s been eating more to help her put on mass, so she’s more than happy to sit and indulge with me. She’s a lot more careful about what she eats than I am, though I do try to eat better when she’s around (it’s just common sense!). She does push me when I need it though. We’ve talked about the irony of making Ian smaller and me bigger. I think that’s her favourite part.