Thursday, October 28, 2004

Charlotte vs. The World

Charlotte vs. The World

I’ve decided to start a new ‘blog that is less about me, and more about my observations in the world.

Not everyone is going to agree with what I write there. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. My ideas change over time, if you read something you don’t like, let me know, I’d be more than happy to let you know if you’re right (or wrong!).

http://charvsworld.blogspot.com

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Opportunity and Love

Shelley gave my resume to the administration at the museum. With my background, they want to interview me for an office job. I guess they want artists with office experience working in administration, which suits me just fine! It gets my foot in the door, so to speak.

Ian’s not so impressed. I never told him about it, and now they want me to head up for an interview. He’s happy in London, and not so keen on moving again. He’s got friends in Ottawa (we were just at a wedding there!), and there’s tonnes of computer places, I’m sure he’ll like it up there.

Of course, maybe I won’t get the job, and that’d be that.

You know one thing I think that signifies love? Enjoying your partner. And I mean this as literally, and on as many levels as possible. I enjoy Ian. I enjoy talking with him, I enjoy eating with him, I enjoy sleeping with him, I enjoy just sitting with him and, of course, I enjoy having sex with him. Truly, I’ve never had another partner that I enjoyed for this long. Always something would wear out. Some I could have mindblowing sex with, but couldn’t stand to talk with them. Or some who were truly fascinating, but I wasn’t comfortable being in bed with.

Of course, any partner starts out enjoyable across the board, or maybe grows to that point, and then starts to wane. To be sure, Ian and I have had ups and downs, but overall, I never find myself wishing him away. I’ve been with Ian far longer than anyone else, and I guess that means I chose well.

I do wonder if perhaps there is more. My relationship with Ian has been totally unique amongst all my relationships: he’s the first guy I’ve dated who got fat! And not just fat, but tremendously fat. Physically, he’s not the same man I met years ago. I wonder how much of THAT is what I love. The fact that he’s totally changed who he is. Will I still love him when he finally plateaus at 600 pounds? I hope so, but I don’t control my feelings do I?

Friday, October 22, 2004

Good morning fat man!

Mmmm.

This is the best time of year to be sleeping with a fat man. If I happen to wake up at 2 AM freezing cold, I can just snuggle right into him. He’s like a furnace!

Or at 6 in the morning, if I happen to be awake with little hope of going back to sleep, I’ve got an ocean of fat that I can play with. I gave him a tummy rub that lasted 15 minutes before he woke up (smiling and rock hard, mind you). There’s a certain innocence in the smile of a sleeping fat man who’s getting a belly massage.

Then there’s the smile you get when said fat man rolls on top of you to fuck your brains out. There’s something extra special with all that soft flesh piling on to pin you to the bed.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Thanksgiving 2

More than once I’ve been accused of being selfish, self-serving, and only out for myself. Mostly I would respond to such taunts with a witty remark that simply obscured the truth: the accusations were right. I’ve long felt that I was special, that I deserved whatever I could get, and that I was by far the most important person in the world.

So have I grown beyond this? I don’t think I’m qualified to answer. I’d like to think so, but… I still love to have my own way, and know enough people who are willing to bend to it.

But I HAVE learned that there is a tremendous joy to be had in giving. Spending three days in the store and kitchen, cooking for other people, it’s not something I’d have done 10 years ago, but this weekend I did. And I loved it!

This weekend was Thanksgiving 2. For ‘real’ thanksgiving we were with our parents, so this was a chance for some friends in London to get together and celebrate. But why settle for one turkey dinner, when there’s so much more I could do.

Friday and Saturday were my days to spoil Ian. As a weekend with friends, I also spoiled Amy. I love cooking for the two of them. They enjoy eating so much, it’s so rewarding to bring that to them.

Friday I made up lasagnes. Nothing special, just toyed around with the flavouring and bake times a little variety: the spice of life! Ian, Amy and Thomas enjoyed them, although Ian and Amy definitely ate the lion’s share.

For Saturday’s dinner I made a honey glazed ham. I made a raft of vegetables to go with it. Again, it was just Ian, Amy Thomas and me at dinner. Again, Ian and Amy did not disappoint. In fact, Thomas was surprised how much they ate (I guess they’d eaten quite a bit earlier in the day as well).

Sunday brought a few more friends to the apartment. I set up another table so everyone could have a seat. It was great having so many people to a sit down dinner. I think I’ll try again sometime soon! Once again, Amy and Ian put on a show. They ate a tremendous amount.

Everyone enjoyed having a ‘second thanksgiving’ with friends; it’s tough choosing between family and friends if you have to. So, I think we’ll make this an annual thing so everyone can have a great time with their family AND their friends.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Happiness

Ever wonder what it means to be happy?

Is it possible for everything to come together, and have a perfect life?

Or do you really have to just look on the bright side of life, and just put up with the bits that you’re not happy with?

Is happiness a relentless pursuit, where the journey is the part to enjoy? Is there a finish line? Is it the same for everyone? Are ‘happy’ people the ones who gave up and are deluding themselves?

Is it reasonable for something that makes you happy to fade?

Is it even possible to know what goals will truly make you happy? What happens if you ignore the wrong ones?

Is this going somewhere?

Yes.

I think I’m happy. I’m deeply in love with Ian, and I’m completely infatuated with him. I look forward to the time we spend together, and I lament the time spent apart.

But it was never a goal of mine to marry a very fat man. It was never a goal of mine to learn to cook, to work at a small art store, or to live in a city like London. London’s nice… but it’s just not what I’m looking for.

So I’m happy, but could be happier.

One thing I’d LOVE to be doing is having a baby. We’re trying, but nothing yet.

And, as much as I love work, I’d like to move on to a real gallery.

Also, I think I’d like to spend more time with my family. For some reason… I suddenly feel disconnected from them.

I must admit, I’m a little surprised how I feel about my body right now. I’m 261 pounds, and I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to be 261 pounds. On my way up, it was never a goal. And on my way down, I only wanted to get to 280. Even when I went past 280, I was hoping to regain. I’ve lost more wiggle than I’d like.

But at the same time, I’m really liking my body now. I’m still ‘fat’ by most people’s point of view. Of course, I don’t feel fat from my own point of view. I like how my body moves, how it feels. Ian says I look sleek, and in saying it, it’s true! I FEEL sleek. It’s funny, because, again, there are few people who would consider a 260 pound woman to be sleek, but, hell, it’s what I feel.

My life is the most… undisturbed it has been in a long time. It’s time to stir the pot, see what happens.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Thanksgiving 2004

Is there a more perfect day than Thanksgiving? The holiday seems to be completely suited to those of us who are fond of a little extra flesh; a day to be lazy, a day to overindulge, a day to spend wowing family and friends.

The best part about being in a relationship is that you get to have TWO Thanksgiving dinners, one with Ian’s family and one with mine.

Sunday we had dinner with Ian’s family. His brother has a new girlfriend, and the two of us worked together to make dinner. It was fun getting to know her, and I think she really enjoyed working in the kitchen with someone like me. She’s worked in kitchens before (summer jobs and such), so she likes that I know what I’m doing, and am focusing on the business at hand. She was surprised how much food I was preparing. She knew that Ian was fat, but she didn’t realise he ate that much. She just thought it was a gland problem and that he ate normally.

She wasn’t exactly aghast when I gave her the quick version of why he’s so fat, but she’s definitely one of those people who simply ‘doesn’t get it’. Perhaps the next time we meet, I’ll explain it to her. It’s a lot to take in all at once, especially since she was still reeling from seeing Ian for the first time. She was surprised that Ian actually ate as much as he did. I’d prepared enough to ensure there were leftovers for everyone, and there was, but not as much as I’d expected!

Monday was time for dinner with my family. My mom’s so happy that I’ve lost weight. She only mentioned it once or twice, but I can really tell that she’s happy with it anyway. She likes Ian, but I can tell she wishes he’d lose weight too.

Once again we put together a fantastic meal. My sister helped out, she’s been learning a lot in the last year about cooking (and it shows, she’s gained about 25 pounds I think! I never really brought it up, as we weren’t ever alone). She’s getting pretty good at the cooking though, it was nice that we could all share that while the guys watched movies.

Besides stuffing Ian to the gills with turkey twice, we also got to see Jeri, Amanda and James Saturday! I really need to make the time to see them more often, Amanda’s getting so big! (Like kids normally do, just taller, not fatter, lol.) Ian commented that he remembers her being a baby when we first went out, now she’s in school. Has it really been that long!?

Jeri and James are doing great, they’re still silly in love and I love to see that. There’s not much better than your friends being silly in love (the only thing I can think of is being silly in love yourself. I’m not SURE Ian and I still are, but it’s easier for outsiders to tell anyway). Jeri’s weight is about the same, but since I’ve been losing there’s not nearly as much difference now as there was in June. I wish I could talk with her about weight. Actually, I’m sure I could, but just never seem to be able to bring it up with her.

All in all, it was a fantastic weekend! Can’t get enough family, food and friends.

Speaking of which, I’m having another thanksgiving this weekend! It’ll be for us, Amy and Thomas.

Monday, October 04, 2004

A blog about a blog

I’ve been working on summing up my diary in a way that makes it accessible to anyone who wants to understand where I’m coming from.

It’s a lot harder than I thought it would be!

First of all, rereading my early posts, I’d forgotten how bitter I was with my weight. I remember not being happy at 460 pounds, but WOW. It’s hard to recapture the emotion that I experienced then, as it’s not even a memory to me. If I sum it up, will the summary be true?

Second, I find myself thinking about it all. There’s so much from the last few years: new jobs, new city, new friends, rekindling old friends, missing other friends. And of course the physical changes! I love that my body always feels a little alien to me, and I love that Ian’s body isn’t quite how I remember it. But it’s been going on for years now. Again, what I think I remember and the truth are obviously very different at this point. I remember Ian being grotesquely fat at 300 pounds, and now he seems unfulfilled at 523 pounds. How can both things be true?

I am glad to have written the diary as it is. I love that my thoughts are on record. I love being able to think back to how life was, and what I was dreaming off in a future that is now the past.

Have I gotten everything I want out of life? No. How many 29 year olds have?

Have I gotten everything I expected out of life to this point? No. And yet, what I expected 10 years ago was so far removed from what has happened, that I wish my expectations had been different.

Am I happy with my life to this point? Dead on yes. I’d hoped to do more, and yet I’ve done so much that I hadn’t planned on. I would trade my experiences, yes, but for fair value, they’d be at least what I was expecting.

If I could go back, would I do things differently? Yes! However, I don’t think it would make life any better. Just different. I love different, I love having experiences, and if I could go back and have different ones, I could. I wish I was fat in high school. I wish that I’d joined a gym and become a bodybuilder. I wish that I dated fat men in university. I wish that I had a clutch of kids. I wish I was living in Vienna. I wish I was backpacking in Asia. I wish I could actually paint something to sell.

One person I chatted with suggested I simply write up what I feel about Ian’s weight gain. I’d love to do that, and probably will (perhaps writing several parallel autobiographies? Do people do that? Write about different streams of their lives? I suppose there are biographies about what the president did when not being presidential. Aren’t there?). Of course, summing up what I love about Ian’s weight isn’t all that simple either. I could go for pages about it (and I will, when I get the right seed germinated).

Someday it’ll come to me.

And then, then I might have a happy reader or two!

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