MsCezanne's Odyssey

You’re reading the words of a 500 pounds woman. 501 pounds, in fact.

So, we’ve done it, I’m officially quite fat.

It’s tough to write about, what is there to say? I’m ecstatic, I’m overwhelmed, I’m pleased… I’m enormously fat!

We did spend the evening celebrating, I didn’t feel like going to work today, I’ve been eating plenty, I’m just so famished now, I know that I’m going to start losing weight soon, so I guess my body is just getting in what it can while it can.

Once things have set in more, I’ll write more.

Fat Char

499 pounds.

Pretty big.

Not big enough!

I am loving this, I really am, there is a frustration at eating so much and not gaining the weight, while simultaneously, there is such joy in eating so much, and not reaching 500. It’s sour and sweet, and it’s just too perfect.

I could do this forever, I really could. I won’t, but I’m not going to think about that for now.
I’m just going to enjoy.

I don't have the impression that Amy has an specific goals, weight wise, for now. She's enjoying her weight, she's enjoying her gain, and she'll keep going as long as she enjoys it. If pushed to come up with a limit, I believe 600 pounds has come up in discussion. She's not sure she could really do that, but when I first moved to London the idea of being even 300 pounds seemed like something she couldn't do, so we'll see.

She has made plans to come back to Ontario this summer, so it'll be my first time seeing her since she hit 500 pounds for New Year's. Depending on when they show up she could be as much as 550 pounds the next time I see her. Also, depending on when she shows up, I'll be a tad slimmer too.

As for a personal philosophy, 'Better to regret something you did than something you didn't do' isn't so bad. I don't know that I'd put my own into words that way, though I suppose a true personal philosophy cannot be written out in a sentence, and if it can, you're probably a very dull person! Maybe a top 10 list of sentences? My guiding thought has always been that bringing beauty to the world is of paramount importance. I guess I would regret passing an opportunity to make the world a more beautiful place. I would regret taking actions that reduced beauty though! Dovetailing with my previous comments, I'm aware that 'beauty' is a very ethereal concept, and what is beautiful to me is hideous to others. It's a delicate balance between creating beauty by your own terms and beauty by social terms. Both would be very important to me. I want to make myself as happy as possible, while making the greatest number of people happy too. The best artists are probably those who go too far one way or the other, and a struggling artist is someone who's probably found a good balance...

I'd be happy to answer! Gives me something to write about!

First off, 'failure' isn't what I'd feel if I don't reach 500 pounds. At least, it's not what I fear feeling. I fear feeling regret, that I had one chance to experience it, and I didn't take that chance. Failure, to me, is when you try and don't succeed. If I stop now, it's not failure, it's simply not trying. I can accept failure. I can even accept not trying. There are great many things I haven't tried. This is something I'm trying to do. If I do fail, I'm okay with that. I'm not sure how that will be possible, though I suppose if I haven't hit 500 by the end of the summer I might be willing to chalk up a failure, and probably won't regret it nearly as much. You're certainly right, for purposes of sensation and statistics, I am 500 pounds, and it's entirely possible I actually AM 500 pounds, just using the wrong scale.

As for attaining 500 pounds, of course I could 'cheat' and make it so that when I step on the scale it reads 500 pounds. But that's not the point, is it? Without getting too political... the War in Iraq is a prime example. Is the goal to defeat Saddam Hussein, or to create a stable nation? It was certainly possible to do the former without the latter, but not the latter without the former. I don't want to weigh 500 pounds, I want to BE 500 pounds. It's not the same thing. Not to me. 500 represents a conscious enjoyment of a LOT of food, really pushing to see what I can do, what I can tolerate, how I can live. If I just want to see a couple of pretty lights, there are far simpler ways to accomplish that. I want to experience what being 500 pounds means, and it's more than a number on the scale.

As for work, it's a sedentary desk job. I talk to people on the phone, read reports, occasionally file paper work (I usually get others to do this legwork for me, so I guess that's an accommodation) and track things on the computer. I don't have a fancy rolling ergonomic chair like my co-workers, rather I have a solidly constructed armless chair which holds me quite securely. All meeting rooms have at least one chair without armrests that I get dibs on (everyone hates the chairs without arms anyway). People avoid squeezing into the elevator with me, though I'll happily squeeze in where I'm pretty sure I'll fit, though I'll let people go ahead of me if the car has room for a couple skinnies. I'm on the fifth floor, so not many people take the stairs anyway.

I dress 'respectably' at work. I don't dress as provocatively as when I was thinner, but that has to do with maturity and clothing selection as much as anything else. I'll wear a tank top and shorts when I go to the park, and if my belly pokes out, I don't mind. I am aware that I'm not everyone's cup of tea, I won't impose myself on people, but I'm not ashamed either. I do value aesthetics, and understand that there is a great majority of people who just don't want to see my flesh.

Sherry and I don't really spend a lot of time together since going back to work. Mostly on the weekend or a rare evening. She really understands what I'm doing. She probably thinks I'm nuts, but is willing to over look it because we really have enough in common that it's not an issue. She IS looking forward to working out with me though. Last weekend at the park she did join me for a picnic. She kept the kids corralled while I ate, she actually fed me strawberries, it was a lot of fun for both of us.

I've covered the 'how it feels' before, so bear with me if this seems repetitive. The key word is 'big'. I really do feel big, which makes sense, of course, but is also true. I feel that my body really extends, I have a lot in front, a lot behind, and a lot around me. When I 'bend', I feel my fat sliding along my fat. I bend slowly, it's important to keep my balance, to make sure I don't over extend myself, and don't let momentum make me a passenger in my own body. My fat isn't really very 'foldy'. I've got folds along my back that continue the lines of my breasts. My belly hangs over my thighs, and all my joints bulge and crease when I move. And when I move, everything jiggles. I love how that feels, there's a lot of great parts of being fat, but being able to feel your whole body moving like that is something special.

600 pounds would be a stretch of the imagination. I don't know that I could realistically eat more than I do now, not without making other sacrifices in my life. I suppose if I gave up working that would free up plenty of snack time, and while the idea does pique my interest, I don't know how long I could sustain a one dimensional life like that. I suppose other changes in my life would add dimensions I would enjoy, but I don't see it as all that likely to happen. If I WAS 600 pounds though, I'm sure I'd feel much 'bigger'. Mobility would be difficult, but not impossible, I guess it depends on the efforts I make to keep my mobility up. I still get around when I need to, but if I spent a week on the couch, even at 497 pounds, getting up would be a challenge for sure.

As for how big 500 pounds is: 5 feet wide when I sit sounds about right When I sit, I don't have a lap, my belly goes between my legs, forcing them apart, and then covers them to the knees. My legs are bigger around then the waist of a grown man (as long as that grown man isn't Ian...) My arms are bigger than most people's legs. To see my toes I sort of put my feet to the side, lean on something and squish my tummy out of the way. I sit down when I'm putting on shoes, so rarely do I need to see my toes.

I've had a rebellious streak forever. I was born with it, I'll die with it. My parents have often disagreed with the choices in my life, and while this may be the biggest, so to speak, they've long since learned that they're not about to talk me out of anything. As a teenager I was underweight, they tried to get me to eat more. They were so happy when I finally did, though they had no idea what it would lead to! I don't tell them what I'm up to, but I don't avoid their questions either. They've got a pretty good idea of what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it (or at least the reason I believe I'm doing it... I'm not a psychologist, lol). They've tried to talk me out of it, but they aren't too surprised it didn't work. They do know I'm planning to lose weight in the near future, and they are quite happy about that.

The public attention is a double edged sword. I've always been one to seek attention. When I was thin I dressed provocatively, when I developed curves, I managed to wear less. As I moved up to fat and obese I've never been ashamed of my appearance. As I stated earlier, I AM aware that I am a minority view of beauty, and respect that. People do stare, and for a long time, I loved it. It was attention, and it's all good, even when it's bad. What does bother me though, it's not possible to hide. Wherever I go, I'm the biggest one, you can't miss me, I always get looks. I can't dress down, I can't sit in the corner, I can't blend in, no matter how much I want to. It does take its toll sometimes, but for the most part, I do enjoy it. When I get some git giving me trouble, I'll engage them. People who want to bully me aren't looking for a fight and they'll back down, and I'll get approving looks from anyone else. It doesn't happen that much, and I do enjoy taking the time to put someone in their place.

The closer 500 comes, the further away it seems! I'm still hanging in at 497 pounds. It's not like I'm not eating, I'm eating plenty, so I don't really know why I'm not gaining more. Maybe I just need to find a scale that measures a little heavy...

Ian dropped another 4 pounds this past week, he's down to 442 pounds. He's been very supportive of me, and I've been very supportive of his efforts. We're both very happy with the direction things are going right now, although we both would like a few more pounds on me.

I was in touch with Amy again. She's all moved into her new place, she's got her 'screening room' setup and has been in utter bliss. She's got her big TV set up, couches, a snack bar and everything. She basically goes to work, then comes home to watch movies or hockey and eat. Her weight is holding at about 520 pounds, since she's been busy getting the house in order, but she expects to begin growing again.

Incidentally, to anyone who heard reports of tornadoes in London last night, obviously, we're okay.

Also, I feel like I'm out of fresh ideas to write about, anything on anyone's mind?

We packed up and went to Toronto for the weekend to see friends, family, especially our moms. It's fun going home every once in a while, everyone gets to see the changes, changes in me, changes in Ian, and, of course, the changes in Paul (they could really care less about us at this point...)

Ian got to watch hockey with his friends, I got to BBQ with Jeri and Amanda. Jeri and James really have BBQ down to a science, it was really good, I'm going to have to learn how once Ian and I get our own place!

I'm no closer to 500 pounds this week than I was last week. I knew I wasn't eating enough to gain those last 3 pounds, but I was sure I might pack on one or two. I guess I could be thankful I didn't lose weight. Ian dropped another 5 pounds, this weather is just melting it off him! I'm already 50 pounds bigger than he is now.

Actually, it reminds of when we were first dating. I was about 50 pounds bigger than he was. It was my 'job' to gain weight, and it was his 'job' to make sure I did! He spoiled me rotten back then, just like he's doing now, except back then there weren't diapers to worry about, and he was in considerably better shape for doing all my running around! He was very good to me then, and he's very good to me now. I'm lucky, I know it, and I let Ian know that I know it.

I do love the changes he's going through too, he's so busy these days, I feel like I hardly get to see him, so when I do, I always see how he's a little slimmer, a little quicker, and a little more powerful. He's still tremendously big, he wiggles and jiggles when walks, but there's an aura of power to him now. He doesn't so much waddle as 'mosey'. It's still a waddle, but it's sort of like he's taking his time, rather than being slow. I know he's still slow though, lol. His shoulders are broad, they always have been, but when he was fat fat, they were very round and soft. While they're still round and soft, you can tell there's more to them than just fat, the fat just augments his breadth. His gut is still magnificent, moving with a life of it's own, though it's a pale shadow of it's previous prominence, and even next to my own belly it seems kind of pathetic. It gives him a bit of a barrel shape, which just adds to the impression of power. Finally, with the stress he carries from work really shows on his face, and he does present a facade that you don't want to mess with. He does melt when he's home and finally allows himself to relax, but when he first comes in, there have been times where even I had to wonder...

My own changes are more subtle. I get to be me all day everyday, so I don't really forget what it's like to be me. I think the biggest surprises come at work. There are full length mirrors by the elevators, and while I usually ignore them, sometimes there will be a long wait for an elevator and I'll be waiting in just such a way that I can see how I look next to someone else. Sometimes I'll see someone and think how deliciously fat they are, and then when I catch their reflection next to me, they seem so tiny! Or even funnier will be when there are a group of people in between me and the mirror, and I can see myself on either side of the group! People always give me plenty of space on the elevator, I'm now shy about squishing in during the morning/evening rush, but people do seem very kind about not bumping me. Probably worried my fat will rub off on them, lol.

Officially:
Me: 497
Ian: 446

My existence continues to be both very gratifying, and very dull to write about. Little has changed since last week: the weather is perfect, I'm fat, Ian's working hard and working out. Amy's still in the process of moving, so I haven't been in touch with her. There's just nothing to write about, and little inspiration for me to write.

I guess that makes this entry a bit of a place holder, just to record that, yes, I'm living life, and yes, I'm happy, and yes, I'm aware I have a blog read by a couple dozen people.

Yes, Sherry knows I have a blog. I don't know how much she reads of it, but she's my best friend, she knows how much I weigh, what I feel about it and what my future plans are. We do have a plan for the post 500 Char, though I haven't discussed it here yet. If you'd like to know, I'll post it, but, really, it's the furthest thing from my mind.

In fact, anyone who is regularly discussed in my blog is aware of its presence, and aware they could be mentioned. Anyone who isn't aware, isn't mentioned, at least not by name. (Paul is the exception, but I try to keep things about him to a minimum.) By extension there are people in my life who are important and have never been discussed here, and never will be. They're either people who aren't aware of the blog, I don't feel it would be fair to write about, or they've expressed a desire to be left out of it. One's reputation is a very delicate thing, and while I'm not out to bring anyone down, I know what it's like to lose control of one's reputation, and I don't really want to inflict that on anyone.

As for the weight gain, it's going to happen when it's going to happen. I'm not going to force it, if I'm not ready to weigh 500 pounds, I'm not ready; it won't some chore, or something at the bottom of a checklist. I can't wait for it to happen, but I need to enjoy it too.

As for challenges beyond 500, they're simple: being mother to two kids, then three kids, perhaps more. After that, well, surely that's enough goals for now. What will become of my body is unknown at this point, and a very low consideration. I suppose my goal is to get to about 280 pounds, big enough to be BIG, but not big enough that it's really a problem. (I add that I am aware of other women being successful parents at much greater weights. I don't even discount the possibility of me joining their ranks. It's just not what I'm planning on.)

With all that, I am up another pound this week. Gotta love a gain when you don't think you will! 497 pounds, I'm so close to 500, I can practically taste it! And the good weather was a boon to Ian, he dropped 7 pounds this week! He's been busy at work, but still making the time to hit the gym, and head out to the park with Paul. If I didn't know better, I'd wonder if Ian ever stopped to rest this week.