MsCezanne's Odyssey

We're back home, I'm back at work, and it's been a fun holidays. Paul is old enough to appreciate how exciting everything is. It makes things very interesting as parents, but when all is said and done, the ups far exceed the downs, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Seeing friends and family is always the highlight of the holidays, especially when you have left town and just don't get to see everyone as much as you'd like. What struck me is it seemed like everyone got together to agree on 'My God, you've lost so much weight Ian!' as their official greeting. I don't really mind that they'd say it, it's obvious he's lost a tonne of weight. It just struck me that it seemed so consistent from person to person.

I also think that our families were surprised by how little the two of us ate. We ate more than our fair share, of course, but not much more than anyone else really. I dare say that Ian's brother even out ate Ian! I still got to cook a couple of Christmas dinners, and there's still a lot of fun watching everyone enjoying their meal.

We took time to visit with Jeri, James and Amanda. I miss them a lot, as always. And as always I forget just how old Amanda is. She's in grade 2, she reads, she writes, she knows all kinds of things. She's such a bright girl, and so big!

Speaking of big, Jeri's gotten to be pretty big again. I think she's about as big as she was before, but I didn't take the time to ask. James has gotten pretty big too, at least big for James.

Speaking of pretty big, I had the chance to spend time with Amy and Thomas not once, but twice. The first time, in Toronto, we went out with a few old friends together. It's the first time I've seen her since the summer, and I was surprised to see how big she's gotten.

Last time we were together, despite being a few pounds apart in weight, we seemed to be about the same size over all. Not now. I know it's all about perception, but I just felt dwarfed by her presence. Part of it is just my mental picture of her, being my size. She's 40+ pounds bigger than me now, which is significant even at our size. So seeing her, it's like right away she's 40 pounds bigger than I was thinking. She's so big everywhere, but especially across her hips.

Over the weekend she and Thomas came to visit us in London. Thomas has actually become a little tubby himself. Very few people would consider him 'fat', but if you know him well, you can really see the changes in him. He's just rounder, softer than normal.

Saturday I had my chance to cook for Amy, and to eat with her. We spent the whole day together, and I was shocked by how much she ate. Ian told me that I used to eat that much, but surely I'd remember? Ian and I (and Thomas for that matter) ate plenty, but we weren't even close to keeping up with Amy. We just did snack food/fast food, except for dinner I just made up a vat of my chicken fetticini al fredo. There were no leftovers for that!

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian

At 144 pounds, it's becoming impossible to convince myself I'm not fat, and I've still got a lot more weight to gain. I've also discovered what it takes to truly feel fat: the jiggle.

The other day I was running to catch an elevator, and I had the oddest, sensation, like my stomach was bouncing up and down. It turns out, my stomach was bouncing up and down! I understand that this is part of being fat, and I should have seen it coming, but the sensation was so new, so different, it really did take me by surprise.

I'll be honest, being a jiggler scared me at first. The thought of having enough fat on my body that it hangs and flops around just terrified me. It wasn't long before the journalist writing this piece came through though. I started to investigate the jiggle.

How much was I jiggling? Not very much.

Where was I jiggling? Pretty much everywhere.

How did the jiggling physically feel? Once I got past my fat-is-evil instincts and began to experience jiggling impartially, I quickly came to see it as a natural extension of myself. It isn't bad at all. It feels alien, of course. It's a new sensation, like eating Thai for the first time, watching HDTV, or reading the book before it's turned into a blockbuster starring Tom Hanks. It's strange at first, but ultimately, there's plenty to enjoy, and you start to wonder how you survived without it.

Not only have I come to peace with the jiggle, I'm starting to wonder how much more I'll be jiggling. Will I notice it more as I gain? Will it ever be as exciting as it is now? Can it possibly get better?

I'm not sure what is weirder: the fact that my body now moves on it's own, or that the jiggle has changed from a signal of being too fat to a desire to gain more weight.

Labels: byline, FA, fiction, weight gain

Matt woke up, his stomach still full from the food he ate with Annie last night. He slowly rolled over in bed, careful not to disturb his stomach too much, and careful not to wake Annie. When he finally was around facing her, he realised she was awake and looking him in the eyes.

She smiled, and leaned in to kiss him. She stopped short, their bellies were firmly pressed together, but their lips remained a few inches short of locking together.

As Annie shimmied her body around to get a better kissing position, Matt could feel her soft warm flesh pressing against his. He could feel the mattress shaking with each move she made, which in turn made his flesh jiggle with her movements. After a few moments of shimmying and shaking and jiggling, their bodies were aligned and they could finally kiss each other.

After the kiss, Annie smiled again. "So how about you get me breakfast in bed to celebrate my first day officially living here?"

"Um. You're not, technically, officially living here, yet," it had only been last night that he'd invited her to live with him, after all.

"Why not?"

"Well, first of all, none of your stuff is here," he grinned.

"What do you mean?"

"Your, um, stuff. The things in your apartment aren't here in my apartment," he wasn't so sure what she was getting at.

"Oh. That, yeah. It's all going to charity. There are people who will pack it all up, and give it to charity, no cost. I'll call them today."

"All your stuff?"

"Yeah. All my stuff." She grinned, looking Matt right in the eyes.

"But don't you want..." he started before Annie cut him off.

"My furniture? No. Yours is nicer. My TV? Why? You've already got one. They'll pack up my computer and photo albums for me. But that's all I really need from there."

"So what about your clothes? Aren't you going to need those?" He smiled back at her, proud of his point.

"None of the clothes at my apartment fit. Even the clothes I wore over here don't really fit. I'm going to have to buy some new ones."

"No clothes? But... what are you going to do?"

"That's why I've moved in here. I can't go anywhere now, can I?"

"What about work?"

"I'll call in sick."

"Forever?"

"No, I'm just going to order some new clothes to wear online. No big deal. I'll just have them sent here. That is... if I'm officially moved in."

Matt smiled. He wouldn't have dared to do that, but she was right, she was stuck here, might as well make it official.

She nudged his belly with her hand. "So what's a girl got to do to get some breakfast around here?! I'm STARVING, and obviously I'm not going anywhere to get anything."

Labels: annie, FA, ffa, fiction, matt, weight gain

It's time for another Wednesday Weigh In!

Charlotte (that's me): 501 Pounds

I've been working pretty good. I'm still mostly working the pool doing aquafit stuff, but a couple times a week now I'm doing weights with Sherry. Nothing impressive, I've probably eaten lunches bigger than the weights I'm using, but I can feel it. She's got me dialed in where it hurts, but not so much that I hate it. Just kind of annoyed by it, but I can feel the results. I've got more energy than I've had in years. 501 seems like a big number, but it doesn't FEEL big. If I had to say, I'd say I feel... oh, maybe 380.

Ian (that's the cute guy I sleep with): 375 pounds.

He's on a crazy schedule for work, always there to keep an eye on Paul when I'm working out, doing his fair share of the errands and chores AND still finding the time to get to the gym by himself. Sherry still keeps tabs on him, of course, but she's not there to motivate him. I think he's just enjoying his new, slender body. I know it seems crazy to call 375 slender, but that's the word that comes to mind when I see him now. He's still fat, of course, but I guess I've just got a slightly warped view.

He kind of reminds me of Mister Incredible.

Amy (a friend that people seem to enjoy hearing about): 542 pounds.

There were people who were sure I was going to catch her. Now there's 40+ pounds between us. She says she's not adapting to her weight gain as easily as before. She absolutely loves it though, because the fact that she's always thinking about her fat just reminds her how fat she's become.

Also, she's finalised her plans for Christmas, and I get to feed her again for a day.

It's the best gift I could get.

Besides diamonds.

Labels: Amy, Char, diary, Ian, weigh in, weight gain, weight loss

Karen was holding her breath. She wasn't anticipating anything in particular, just trying to make sure she didn't burst out of her clothing. She'd been gaining weight for a few months now, and even her most generous 'fat clothes' were uncomfortably tight.

Karen did like that her bulging clothes gained attention on Thursday nights, and she was looking forward to wearing bigger clothes, but she knew she was sticking out more and more on Friday nights.

She could still dance better than any of the other girls in there, but now that she jiggled a little, she knew people were talking. She knew guys were looking up at her, and looking away for someone thinner, with a leaner physique.

As she danced Karen was aware of some of the catty looks she was getting from girls who weren't on the risers. It was a coveted spot, sure to get the attention of any of the men in the bar. She knew that these girls were eager to show off their young slender bodies, and didn't know why someone with curves would get to dance on them.

As the night wore on, Karen was finding it tougher and tougher to concentrate. She could tell people were looking at her, judging her, saying things behind her back. It was throwing off her rhythm, she was finding it difficult to find someone to dance for, someone to make eye contact with and focus on.

Sucking in her tummy the whole time wasn't helping much either.

Eventually she needed a moment to relax, to take a deep breath. She wished she hadn't, the waist on her skirt popped apart, allowing a bulge of fat to poke out. Her shirt suddenly rode up, revealing a roll of fat around her middle.

Karen did her best to cover it up and keep on dancing, but it was too late. A manager from the bar came over and asked her to step down. "You can get back up if you're ever hot again."

She knew this day would come, but it didn't sting any less. She headed over to the bar to get a drink.

Karen took one look back at the risers, she could see a new girl, a real stick figure who could hardly dance, throwing her a victorious smile. She just turned back to the double Tim had poured her.

***

Karen walked into the club. She knew her outfit was too small. It was a little uncomfortable, but she also knew that the rolls of her belly were clearly visible, and that the men in the club would go wild seeing the bulges of flesh that poked out from her clothes in a few places.

Before heading to the dance floor, she visited Tim for her customary drink and snack to get her ready for the night. He took one look at her, "How can you even move in that thing?"

"Very carefully," Karen gave Tim a few moves, her flesh rippling and pushing her clothes to their very limits of decency.

As she finished up her snack, she noticed that Andrea, her main rival for Michael's attention wasn't around. Even Karen had to admit that Andrea was probably the most attractive woman in there on Thursday nights. She was very large: bigger than Karen by a couple sizes. She was very cute. Maybe not as cute as Karen, but that's a matter of taste. She couldn't dance as well as Karen, but was a close second, and certainly had mastered using her body to full effect. Karen was still learning how to 'dance fat'. Normally this woman would be dancing on the risers, or even with Michael himself. Karen asked Tim where Andrea was, but he hadn't seen her all night long.

Just as Karen was getting ready to get onto her riser, Andrea finally came in. Every eye was instantly on her, as Karen was used to. Andrea waddled in, her clothes every bit as tight as Karen’s, despite being larger. Andrea winked at Michael, and made for her own riser. She tried to get up, but was having trouble shifting her weight up onto the riser. Michael came over to give Andrea a hand, and she finally got up. However, she was out of breath, and took a moment before she started dancing.

By now Karen was up on her own riser and dancing for Michael as she always did. She was now one of the largest dancers on the risers, though she was one of the most energetic, aside from a few of the newer girls who hardly qualified as fat. She continued to catch glimpses of Andrea who just couldn't seem to get into a rhythm at all.

A few minutes later Karen realised that all eyes were on her. Andrea had stopped dancing. She was too tired to keep going, and just delaying getting down. Finally Karen saw Michael approach Andrea and help her down. Normally Karen was jealous of seeing Michael showering attention on the bigger woman, but there was no pride in they way Andrea held herself. Michael wasn't with her, but merely beside her, guiding her towards a table where there was food for her to enjoy alone.

Michael returned the dance floor, his attention clearly fixed upon Karen.

Karen managed to find another burst of energy, and put on one of her best performances of all time, certainly her best 'fat dance' yet. Getting her large body to move in rhythm with the music required much more effort now than when she'd been thin. It took more energy to get her body moving, to change direction. It also came to life on it's own, and took a lot of effort and planning to make sure everything was shaking and moving the right way.

Finally she was wearing down. She'd outlasted even the skinny girls though, and Michael approached her and offered his hand to help her down from the Riser.

"Congratulations," he said to her. "I think that Andrea has danced her last dance, you're my new queen."

Karen's smile was ear to ear as she sat down with him to devour the food he had spread out for her.

Labels: FA, fiction, Karen, Michael, weight gain

Whenever I've met up with people lately, they always say, "there's something different about you." I always wait a moment for them to ask, and they always say, "you look fantastic, you look so happy." A few ask my secret, a few even ask if I'm in love.

I confess, I am in love. I'm in love with chocolate, and chocolate has finally reciprocated! Now that it's no longer a sinful secret, I've indulged years' worth of pent up desires, and the affair will rage for a long time yet.

No one has commented on my weight. Of course, many of my acquaintances read this newspaper, so they are aware of my current lifestyle choices. Are they just being polite? There are some I'm sure who aren't aware though. Are they still being polite? I've never asked someone if they're gaining weight, no matter how obvious it was. Was I able to lie so convincingly? Am I just hearing what I wish to hear?

My eating habits have changed. A quick inspection of fridge (and the wrappers in my garbage) show that calorie counting is alive and well, if one order of magnitude greater than before. I eat a lot more now before feeling full, and find myself looking for something to snack on when I'm not even remotely hungry, just bored. In fact, if I'm sitting, I'm probably eating. If I'm not, I feel like I'm missing something.

I am still getting all my nutrition, it's not all pizza and Oreos. I'm eating veggies, with dip. Okay, maybe dip with veggies, but it still counts. I'm having salads, just with more dressing, and maybe with more bacon. I do still hit the fast food places, I still order late night pizza, but the fruit bowl is a source of snacks, and a bag of mixed nuts is as likely to follow me around as a bag of chips.

My weight has crossed 140 pounds. That's a bit of a big number, and I was a little worried about it. 139 is chubby, but 140 is fat. I'm not speaking scientifically, but just in terms of self perception. Crossing 140 was a big deal. I was so worked up, I went off and had some chocolate to calm myself. Oh ironies of life, to get over reaching 140, I managed to eat my way to 142.

142 isn't so bad though. 140 is fat, but 142 is just a number. 150 is what worries me though.

Labels: byline, FA, fiction, weight gain

Matt was busy cleaning up his apartment. He hated cleaning, it gave him time to think; but since he hated cleaning it always gave him miserable thoughts. There was always so much to do.
There was laundry to fold, he always tried to keep ahead of it, but just never really got day's laundry put away before it was time to wash again. He knew a lot of the clothes didn't fit any more, but he never took the time to sort them out, so his clost and drawers were always overflowing too.

There was cleaning to do, he couldn't conceive of someone who would enjoy vacuuming and dusting and mopping. The bigger he got the bigger a chore it seemed to be. He tried to do a quick job, but ended up spending more time at it because the quick job still looked pretty bad. He couldn't have Annie coming over if the place wasn't clean.

The worst was always the kitchen. Dishes everywhere, wrappers, boxes, empty cups overflowed the garbage and took up his counter. He tried to keep on top of that too, but taking the garbage all the way down the hall, past the elevator was just so far. There were always dirty dishes, and after eating he was too full to move, and if he was in the kitchen to get something to eat he didn't want to stop and clean, so they just piled up.

Annie was always bringing things to eat, she brought the wrappers and boxes and cups. She used half the dishes. Heck, she was always buying him new clothes, no wonder his laundry was overflowing. He was keeping the place clean for her. She really should be doing her share of the work, if he was going to make the place clean for her, it really should be her place!

The phone rang.

Matt put down the cookies he was eating on his cleaning break and answered. It was Annie. She was on her way over, she was getting pizza, garlic break and cinnamon sticks.

Matt wolfed down the cookies and began rushing around to make sure the kitchen was orderly and that there would be clean plates for dinner. Before he knew it the bag of cookies were gone, the buzzer was ringing and there was still a mess in the kitchen.

Matt hurried to let her in. He managed to get dishes ready, and cleared a place on the table to put all the food Annie had, but the kitchen really was still a disaster.

When she came waddling in, he took the food from her and directed her towards the couch. It had been a month since they'd finally realised that they loved being together, eating together, being fat together, getting fatter together. In that month she had gained a lot more weight than he had, and it showed and she slowly approached the couch and awkwardly lowered herself onto it.

"You'll have to excuse the mess," Matt offered, slightly embarrassed. "I just haven't gotten around to getting it sorted out lately."

"Oh, Matt, this is nothing, my place is an absolute pig sty!"

"Really? It was very clean last time I was over there," Matt said as he began serving.

"Matt, when was the last time you were there?"

"It was..." he stopped to think about it. "Huh, I guess it's before we broke up. It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Matt, look around, this is all MY mess, isn't it? And you've been cleaning. I haven't touched anything in months!" She eagrely bit into the pizza he'd presented her.

When Matt had seen how big Annie was, he was surprised. When he'd seen how much she could eat, he was more surprised. After a month of united gluttony, her appetite seemed to be growing far faster than his own, which surprised Matt most of all.

"I don't know if I'm ever going to clean my place again," she said when her mouth was finally empty long enough to talk.

"So why don't you move in here? Surely the two of us can keep one place clean right?" Matt hadn't really meant to ask her to move in, it was only a month after they'd rekindled their relationship, and what they had was so different from before. Was he really ready for that?

"Oh, I don't even want to leave now! I'm not sure if I could." She rubbed her belly, and Matt could see the elastic waistband digging deep into her flesh.

"I'll pack up the leftovers if you want."

"Leftovers? You're not doing already are you Matt?" She gave him a hangdog look.

"Well, if I want to clean up any more, I can't, but, you go ahead, I'll go clean up my kitchen."

"Our kitchen!" She she tried to shout through her cinna-sticks.

Labels: annie, FA, ffa, fiction, matt, mutual gain, weight gain