Friday, June 28, 2002
What does the future hold?
Of course, the fact that this is unknown (unknowable?) is what makes things interesting, right? The mere promise of eternal happiness being around the next corner, over the next hill, or that bottom of the next beer is what keeps people going. Well, keeps me going anyway.
The counterpoint being, since we don’t know if the next corner hides a rabid hyena, or over the next hill is an 18 wheeler with my name on it, or the bottom of the next beer is psoriasis, I’m always trying to make my own eternal happiness. If it won’t find me, I’ll find it, damnit.
So I’ve lead a life of excess. I drank a lot, I was promiscuous, I’ve done several levels of drugs, without complication. Now… I like to eat. Ironically, in and of itself, no one raises a stink if you eat. Sure, people might bug you about your specific diet; pork, red meat, candy, yellow dye #5, but for the most part, people don’t treat you like a leper if you eat. UNLESS, you’re overweight! Alcohol, drugs, sex; doing any of these, under just about any circumstance, you’ll get someone complaining. But eating… as long as you’re not fat, go ahead. Sure, people have a point, fat people can be a drain on the health system, I guess. I don’t know, I haven’t had any health problems. Maybe I’m just lucky?
Do I regret being fat? Sure, sometimes. Anytime you change your lifestyle, you’ll occasionally yearn for your old life. When I was in University, I missed high school, when I was in high school, I missed public school. Just because things have changes, just because you miss something, it doesn’t mean your new lifestyle is wrong, right? I mean, in university, if I’d gone back to public school, how would that make my life better? It wouldn’t, but there were times I missed it.
Likewise, there are times I miss being thin. Would my life be better if I were thin? I don’t think so. I’d have missed out on the last few years. Jeri and I developed a very intricate, very deep relationship, and it had to do with our eating habits. Once that relationship was played out, she changed her lifestyle. I found Ian, and we developed a new lifestyle, and I continued gaining weight. Now that I’ve topped out my weight, I’m entering a new life, where I focus on Ian’s weight.
How long can my new life go before I’m ready to move on? I don’t know. I didn’t know when I was done gaining weight until I was already too fat to do some things. It’s not like school, where you have these distinct days to tell you when something is starting or ending. There is no vacation in the middle to let you adjust how you see fit.
So, for now, Ian is going to get fatter, and I’ll be losing weight. Ian is pressuring me to start gaining weight again, but doing that would be at the expense of his weight gain. I’d be more than happy to discuss something where one week I gain, next week he gains, but I’m not sure that would work. I think my ‘fat days’ are over, and I’ll be slimming down for the next couple of years.
What does this mean for Ian? Well, it means he’ll eventually be bigger than me. Will I continue to be with someone so large? I’d like to think I love Ian more than that… but I have to be honest with myself. For a while I found his fat pretty repulsive, he might get to a stage where I’m again repulsed. What would happen then? I don’t know, but I would have to be honest with him, and with myself.
In the near future, I know Ian will get to 400 pounds. He’ll probably blow right past 400 pounds. With his height, he will probably do 500 pounds about as well as I’m doing 450 right now. Will he get to 500 and stop? Will he go past? Will he stop before that? Will I keep feeding him? I don’t know.
I am excited at the prospect of feeding Ian past 400 pounds. I can even imagine him at 500 pounds! I can even dream about a future where I’m my old skinny self, and he’s large, perhaps 600 pounds. I can see myself doting on him, which is weird, because I never thought of myself as the ‘doting’ kind! Why would I dote on him? Because at 600 pounds, he would be a work of art, unlike virtually any other person. A work of art that requires a lot of work, I don’t mind working for my art. It would take a lot of effort to keep him happy. A lot of food, I’m sure. And to keep him clean, I know that would be an effort. I know it’s a lot harder to keep myself clean than it was when I was skinny! I’m just thinking about the sex. Wouldn’t that be wild? He’d be 6 times my size! Basically immobile, sex would be completely up to me. It would be my creativity that keeps things interesting. I don’t know how I’d over come any problems. I don’t know how accessible he’d be! But just the effort of getting thins to work would be fantastic.
Of course, the fact that this is unknown (unknowable?) is what makes things interesting, right? The mere promise of eternal happiness being around the next corner, over the next hill, or that bottom of the next beer is what keeps people going. Well, keeps me going anyway.
The counterpoint being, since we don’t know if the next corner hides a rabid hyena, or over the next hill is an 18 wheeler with my name on it, or the bottom of the next beer is psoriasis, I’m always trying to make my own eternal happiness. If it won’t find me, I’ll find it, damnit.
So I’ve lead a life of excess. I drank a lot, I was promiscuous, I’ve done several levels of drugs, without complication. Now… I like to eat. Ironically, in and of itself, no one raises a stink if you eat. Sure, people might bug you about your specific diet; pork, red meat, candy, yellow dye #5, but for the most part, people don’t treat you like a leper if you eat. UNLESS, you’re overweight! Alcohol, drugs, sex; doing any of these, under just about any circumstance, you’ll get someone complaining. But eating… as long as you’re not fat, go ahead. Sure, people have a point, fat people can be a drain on the health system, I guess. I don’t know, I haven’t had any health problems. Maybe I’m just lucky?
Do I regret being fat? Sure, sometimes. Anytime you change your lifestyle, you’ll occasionally yearn for your old life. When I was in University, I missed high school, when I was in high school, I missed public school. Just because things have changes, just because you miss something, it doesn’t mean your new lifestyle is wrong, right? I mean, in university, if I’d gone back to public school, how would that make my life better? It wouldn’t, but there were times I missed it.
Likewise, there are times I miss being thin. Would my life be better if I were thin? I don’t think so. I’d have missed out on the last few years. Jeri and I developed a very intricate, very deep relationship, and it had to do with our eating habits. Once that relationship was played out, she changed her lifestyle. I found Ian, and we developed a new lifestyle, and I continued gaining weight. Now that I’ve topped out my weight, I’m entering a new life, where I focus on Ian’s weight.
How long can my new life go before I’m ready to move on? I don’t know. I didn’t know when I was done gaining weight until I was already too fat to do some things. It’s not like school, where you have these distinct days to tell you when something is starting or ending. There is no vacation in the middle to let you adjust how you see fit.
So, for now, Ian is going to get fatter, and I’ll be losing weight. Ian is pressuring me to start gaining weight again, but doing that would be at the expense of his weight gain. I’d be more than happy to discuss something where one week I gain, next week he gains, but I’m not sure that would work. I think my ‘fat days’ are over, and I’ll be slimming down for the next couple of years.
What does this mean for Ian? Well, it means he’ll eventually be bigger than me. Will I continue to be with someone so large? I’d like to think I love Ian more than that… but I have to be honest with myself. For a while I found his fat pretty repulsive, he might get to a stage where I’m again repulsed. What would happen then? I don’t know, but I would have to be honest with him, and with myself.
In the near future, I know Ian will get to 400 pounds. He’ll probably blow right past 400 pounds. With his height, he will probably do 500 pounds about as well as I’m doing 450 right now. Will he get to 500 and stop? Will he go past? Will he stop before that? Will I keep feeding him? I don’t know.
I am excited at the prospect of feeding Ian past 400 pounds. I can even imagine him at 500 pounds! I can even dream about a future where I’m my old skinny self, and he’s large, perhaps 600 pounds. I can see myself doting on him, which is weird, because I never thought of myself as the ‘doting’ kind! Why would I dote on him? Because at 600 pounds, he would be a work of art, unlike virtually any other person. A work of art that requires a lot of work, I don’t mind working for my art. It would take a lot of effort to keep him happy. A lot of food, I’m sure. And to keep him clean, I know that would be an effort. I know it’s a lot harder to keep myself clean than it was when I was skinny! I’m just thinking about the sex. Wouldn’t that be wild? He’d be 6 times my size! Basically immobile, sex would be completely up to me. It would be my creativity that keeps things interesting. I don’t know how I’d over come any problems. I don’t know how accessible he’d be! But just the effort of getting thins to work would be fantastic.
Thursday, June 27, 2002
Has the world turned a corner?
George Bush has tossed down the proverbial gauntlet, and told the world what he expects from Palestinians. A brand new Democracy, that excludes the Usual Suspects.
Democracy is good. It may have it’s limitations (Jean Chretien anyone?), but it’s much better than autocracies and dictatorships that dominate may second and third world countries.
My only concern is: what if they elect Yasser Arafat? I mean, it’s democratic, and people should be free to elect any crack pot they wish, right? If the Palestinians genuinely will not be happy until they have ‘their’ land back, then they should elect someone aiming for that goal, right?
But the USA has long shown how different countries (states) can work together for mutual benefit. Europe is just learning this now, though Rome and 19th Century Germany already kinda knew this. If the Palestinians can create a legitimate state, and are good neighbours to Israel, why can’t they cooperate in the future? Perhaps form alliances, ala NAFTA or EU?
The world is headed towards ‘super nationalisation’, where borders mean less and less amongst equal countries. The Palestinians should aim for that, then their people will be free to live wherever they wish, and justice, in the long run, will be served.
By promising to hold back Israel if they become Democratic, the USA has opened the door for the Palestinians to join the civilised world. The question is, can they live with the conditions the USA has set out? If they live with them long enough, then it won’t matter.
George Bush has tossed down the proverbial gauntlet, and told the world what he expects from Palestinians. A brand new Democracy, that excludes the Usual Suspects.
Democracy is good. It may have it’s limitations (Jean Chretien anyone?), but it’s much better than autocracies and dictatorships that dominate may second and third world countries.
My only concern is: what if they elect Yasser Arafat? I mean, it’s democratic, and people should be free to elect any crack pot they wish, right? If the Palestinians genuinely will not be happy until they have ‘their’ land back, then they should elect someone aiming for that goal, right?
But the USA has long shown how different countries (states) can work together for mutual benefit. Europe is just learning this now, though Rome and 19th Century Germany already kinda knew this. If the Palestinians can create a legitimate state, and are good neighbours to Israel, why can’t they cooperate in the future? Perhaps form alliances, ala NAFTA or EU?
The world is headed towards ‘super nationalisation’, where borders mean less and less amongst equal countries. The Palestinians should aim for that, then their people will be free to live wherever they wish, and justice, in the long run, will be served.
By promising to hold back Israel if they become Democratic, the USA has opened the door for the Palestinians to join the civilised world. The question is, can they live with the conditions the USA has set out? If they live with them long enough, then it won’t matter.
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
Now isn’t this interesting.
I lost weight.
And it’s not the scale, Ian gained 5 pounds, while I lost 2.
I don’t remember the last time I lose weight. I guess my weight fluctuated a few pounds up and down in high school, but I was thin, so it wasn’t something I was obsessed with, like a lot of my friends were. Of course, since I weighed less than they did, it wasn’t really anything to obsess about! I still remember that one winter where Jeri got ‘fat’. She was like 140 pounds, and it showed, but she got back into shape really quickly, but she was miserable for that month or so. How a few years can change someone eh? She’d kill to be 140 now!
I guess, now that I think about it, I’m not all that surprised. I’m running around, doing the shopping, the house work and everything. (Okay, not RUNNING, but I’m still doing it all) Most of the food I make goes down Ian’s gullet. When he’s not eating, I’m massaging his stomach. I don’t even get to think if I’m hungry or not!
The question is: ‘Charlotte, are you happy with this?’
Even a few weeks ago, I’d be ecstatic to learn I was finally losing weight instead of blowing up. Certainly, my knees are happy that there’s a teensy bit less to carry (lets put this in perspective, 2 pounds is only .4 % of my weight!). And I do yearn to do ‘skinny things’ again.
But Ian has been eating soooo much, and I’ve been having such a great time feeding him, it really is tempting me to go back to that lifestyle. 475 pounds isn’t that far away, even 500. I mean, how many people can say they’ve been 500 pounds?
Ian says his dream is to outweigh me, why not make him work for it? He’s just gained SEVEN pounds on me. If he gains 7 pounds on me every week, he’ll be bigger than me by the fall.
Then he can have a new dream, I suppose. It’ll probably be weighing 500 pounds, of course.
I lost weight.
And it’s not the scale, Ian gained 5 pounds, while I lost 2.
I don’t remember the last time I lose weight. I guess my weight fluctuated a few pounds up and down in high school, but I was thin, so it wasn’t something I was obsessed with, like a lot of my friends were. Of course, since I weighed less than they did, it wasn’t really anything to obsess about! I still remember that one winter where Jeri got ‘fat’. She was like 140 pounds, and it showed, but she got back into shape really quickly, but she was miserable for that month or so. How a few years can change someone eh? She’d kill to be 140 now!
I guess, now that I think about it, I’m not all that surprised. I’m running around, doing the shopping, the house work and everything. (Okay, not RUNNING, but I’m still doing it all) Most of the food I make goes down Ian’s gullet. When he’s not eating, I’m massaging his stomach. I don’t even get to think if I’m hungry or not!
The question is: ‘Charlotte, are you happy with this?’
Even a few weeks ago, I’d be ecstatic to learn I was finally losing weight instead of blowing up. Certainly, my knees are happy that there’s a teensy bit less to carry (lets put this in perspective, 2 pounds is only .4 % of my weight!). And I do yearn to do ‘skinny things’ again.
But Ian has been eating soooo much, and I’ve been having such a great time feeding him, it really is tempting me to go back to that lifestyle. 475 pounds isn’t that far away, even 500. I mean, how many people can say they’ve been 500 pounds?
Ian says his dream is to outweigh me, why not make him work for it? He’s just gained SEVEN pounds on me. If he gains 7 pounds on me every week, he’ll be bigger than me by the fall.
Then he can have a new dream, I suppose. It’ll probably be weighing 500 pounds, of course.
Monday, June 24, 2002
We had a pretty good weekend.
Friday night I fried up some chicken and potato chips/fries/whatever you want to call them. I made up tonnes, but Ian was a good boy and ate everything put in front of him. I really am enjoying feeding Ian. I had no idea it could be so rewarding, or be so much fun! It’s a challenge keeping him motivated, as I’m sure he’d get bored if I wasn’t varied in what I was feeding him.
So now my challenge is to try to make MORE than he can eat. I just want to see what his raw capacity is. I mean, I’ve had to coax some stuff into him, but it goes. Sometimes he gets so full he just lies back for a bit before we can continue. I love when he does that, his stomach juts so high in the air, and the skin gets all shiny because it’s being stretched tight! A lot of the time when he’s like that I love to massage his stomach. It’s amasing, it’s so hard, from all the food stuffed inside, and yet it’s soft, because of all the fat around his gut. As I massage, the food starts to break down and move along. I can feel as it moves out, his stomach becomes looser, and I can massage it more deeply. By the time I’m done massaging, Ian is back to being a big soft doughboy, ready for whatever I have to feed him.
Just thinking of that overstuffed tummy riding high on the couch is kinda getting me going!
Saturday we did a little shopping to get Ian something to wear out to Limelight. I must officially protest, it took no time to find a selection of stuff for Ian to wear. I can spend days searching for something that is merely not hideous to wear!
Limelight was a lot of fun. We spent most of the time on the couches, I just can’t be on my feet like I used to be able to. Ian’s the same way, of course. What surprised me is how the women were eyeing Ian! I’m used to people looking at me with that ‘how can you even be in public’ look. I get it everywhere, including night clubs. And normally when I’m out with Ian, we get those ‘you deserve each other’ looks. Which is fine, we’re not normal, we’re fat, that comes with the territory. But all the women were looking at Ian like he was Fabio or something!
Now, when we first dated, everyone was always after Ian, especially when I was getting big. He was quite devout in his public affection for me, so it was cool. But, when he was getting fat, *I* didn’t find him attractive, and, to be honest, never expected other women to find him so, I never looked for their reactions. Now that I’m finding Ian sexy again… it must be something, because there were a lot of women looking at him like he could do better, like in the old days when he was thin and I was ‘fat’ (I weighed less than Ian does now!). I like that Ian’s a hot ticket, but how’s that fair!? Maybe once he’s bigger than me it’ll go away, I don’t know. I do like the jealous looks though.
Sunday was another good day. I was just stuffing Ian SILLY. Pancakes, bacon, pizza, Chinese food, chips, cookies. I love days like that! He’s just getting so huge so fast, I love it.
Tonight I’m hoping that Jeri can come over. I really want to see how she’s looking now, I also want to show her what I’ve done with Ian. What can I say? He’s a lot of work, I get to show him off, right? Like a prize pig, lol. Except this pig is also a cute computer geek who I happen to love.
Friday night I fried up some chicken and potato chips/fries/whatever you want to call them. I made up tonnes, but Ian was a good boy and ate everything put in front of him. I really am enjoying feeding Ian. I had no idea it could be so rewarding, or be so much fun! It’s a challenge keeping him motivated, as I’m sure he’d get bored if I wasn’t varied in what I was feeding him.
So now my challenge is to try to make MORE than he can eat. I just want to see what his raw capacity is. I mean, I’ve had to coax some stuff into him, but it goes. Sometimes he gets so full he just lies back for a bit before we can continue. I love when he does that, his stomach juts so high in the air, and the skin gets all shiny because it’s being stretched tight! A lot of the time when he’s like that I love to massage his stomach. It’s amasing, it’s so hard, from all the food stuffed inside, and yet it’s soft, because of all the fat around his gut. As I massage, the food starts to break down and move along. I can feel as it moves out, his stomach becomes looser, and I can massage it more deeply. By the time I’m done massaging, Ian is back to being a big soft doughboy, ready for whatever I have to feed him.
Just thinking of that overstuffed tummy riding high on the couch is kinda getting me going!
Saturday we did a little shopping to get Ian something to wear out to Limelight. I must officially protest, it took no time to find a selection of stuff for Ian to wear. I can spend days searching for something that is merely not hideous to wear!
Limelight was a lot of fun. We spent most of the time on the couches, I just can’t be on my feet like I used to be able to. Ian’s the same way, of course. What surprised me is how the women were eyeing Ian! I’m used to people looking at me with that ‘how can you even be in public’ look. I get it everywhere, including night clubs. And normally when I’m out with Ian, we get those ‘you deserve each other’ looks. Which is fine, we’re not normal, we’re fat, that comes with the territory. But all the women were looking at Ian like he was Fabio or something!
Now, when we first dated, everyone was always after Ian, especially when I was getting big. He was quite devout in his public affection for me, so it was cool. But, when he was getting fat, *I* didn’t find him attractive, and, to be honest, never expected other women to find him so, I never looked for their reactions. Now that I’m finding Ian sexy again… it must be something, because there were a lot of women looking at him like he could do better, like in the old days when he was thin and I was ‘fat’ (I weighed less than Ian does now!). I like that Ian’s a hot ticket, but how’s that fair!? Maybe once he’s bigger than me it’ll go away, I don’t know. I do like the jealous looks though.
Sunday was another good day. I was just stuffing Ian SILLY. Pancakes, bacon, pizza, Chinese food, chips, cookies. I love days like that! He’s just getting so huge so fast, I love it.
Tonight I’m hoping that Jeri can come over. I really want to see how she’s looking now, I also want to show her what I’ve done with Ian. What can I say? He’s a lot of work, I get to show him off, right? Like a prize pig, lol. Except this pig is also a cute computer geek who I happen to love.
Friday, June 21, 2002
Okay, so we have a bit of a plan for the weekend. Tonight Ian and I are going to do some shopping, and find some decent clothes to go out clubbing in. Tomorrow night we’ll be heading out to Whiskey’s or Phoenix. (We’ll be easy to see, we’re the 800+ pound couple!)
The question is, what style to look for? Loose fitting? I doubt if we find Ian anything tight it will last much longer than the evening! As for me… I don’t know if loose or tight is the way to go. I’d love a nice, tight revealing dress. But a, I don’t know if I can find one in my size and b, I don’t know how long it would fit me!
I wish I could sort my feelings out. For the longest time, it seemed pretty easy. I hated Ian being fat, and I wanted to lose weight myself. Now, suddenly I’m in love with his weight, and I’m not so dedicated to losing weight. (Well, not that I was ever *dedicated* to losing weight, but I really wanted to) I’m watching Ian have the time of his life, and it brings back the good old memories. I so want to join in, just eat until I’m ready to explode, spending the evening with Ian, passing out on the couch completely satisfied. But I’m still HUGE, and it’s just more and more a problem, and I’m getting tired of it.
And if it were just those two issues, it would be complex. But I know that I’m growing apart from my friends. I haven’t seen Jeri in weeks. Last time I saw her she was just under 200 pounds, and looking fabulous. I get the feeling she’s getting back to her old ways, and fat isn’t for her. I miss spending time with Amanda too. She’s so cute, and so much fun to play with.
Rachel, I haven’t really been close with her in years. Jeri’s pregnancy was too much reality for her I think, and she’s certainly not too impressed by my lifestyle. Considering she’s not exactly a size 2 anymore, she needs to grow up.
Jamie is certainly growing up though. I think I might spend more time with her, if I can. She’s so busy, and works at night, so it’s hard. There’s no way she can bug me about my weight any more though!
Hmmm, what I’d really like to do is see if I can find Joanne again. I don’t think about her much any more, but I would absolutely LOVE to see her now. I think she would totally be into what I’ve done, she was the person most like me that I’ve ever met. I don’t even know what country she’s in now though.
The question is, what style to look for? Loose fitting? I doubt if we find Ian anything tight it will last much longer than the evening! As for me… I don’t know if loose or tight is the way to go. I’d love a nice, tight revealing dress. But a, I don’t know if I can find one in my size and b, I don’t know how long it would fit me!
I wish I could sort my feelings out. For the longest time, it seemed pretty easy. I hated Ian being fat, and I wanted to lose weight myself. Now, suddenly I’m in love with his weight, and I’m not so dedicated to losing weight. (Well, not that I was ever *dedicated* to losing weight, but I really wanted to) I’m watching Ian have the time of his life, and it brings back the good old memories. I so want to join in, just eat until I’m ready to explode, spending the evening with Ian, passing out on the couch completely satisfied. But I’m still HUGE, and it’s just more and more a problem, and I’m getting tired of it.
And if it were just those two issues, it would be complex. But I know that I’m growing apart from my friends. I haven’t seen Jeri in weeks. Last time I saw her she was just under 200 pounds, and looking fabulous. I get the feeling she’s getting back to her old ways, and fat isn’t for her. I miss spending time with Amanda too. She’s so cute, and so much fun to play with.
Rachel, I haven’t really been close with her in years. Jeri’s pregnancy was too much reality for her I think, and she’s certainly not too impressed by my lifestyle. Considering she’s not exactly a size 2 anymore, she needs to grow up.
Jamie is certainly growing up though. I think I might spend more time with her, if I can. She’s so busy, and works at night, so it’s hard. There’s no way she can bug me about my weight any more though!
Hmmm, what I’d really like to do is see if I can find Joanne again. I don’t think about her much any more, but I would absolutely LOVE to see her now. I think she would totally be into what I’ve done, she was the person most like me that I’ve ever met. I don’t even know what country she’s in now though.
Thursday, June 20, 2002
I was hoping for a bit of a break this weekend.
Not that I’m tired of feeding Ian. Far from it. Knowing how fast he’s gaining has really just inspired me to find new ways to get more in him! But it’s been a while since I did anything with my friends.
Jeri is going to a wedding. She bought a new dress, and didn’t even invite me to help her shop for it! She figured I was busy with Ian, and she was so excited about shopping for a ‘normal size’ cocktail dress, she didn’t want to get me depressed. I hope that was just an oversight on her part, and that weight isn’t becoming an issue with her! THAT would make me depressed. They might be able to do something Friday, so I’m hoping.
I’ve been talking with Jamie a lot lately. I guess her boyfriend is trying to get her a little ‘curvier’, so she wants to talk with me about that. But she’s in Pittsburgh right now, so I can’t very well do anything with her!
Allison is going to Kingston to visit friends.
Rachel is going back to London for the weekend. I’ve thought about doing that. But Lauren and Meg aren’t very enlightened, they still act like they’re in high school!
I’ll see if I can pin anyone down to do something though. Maybe go see a movie or something. I might even convince Ian it’s a good idea, free refills… lol
Not that I’m tired of feeding Ian. Far from it. Knowing how fast he’s gaining has really just inspired me to find new ways to get more in him! But it’s been a while since I did anything with my friends.
Jeri is going to a wedding. She bought a new dress, and didn’t even invite me to help her shop for it! She figured I was busy with Ian, and she was so excited about shopping for a ‘normal size’ cocktail dress, she didn’t want to get me depressed. I hope that was just an oversight on her part, and that weight isn’t becoming an issue with her! THAT would make me depressed. They might be able to do something Friday, so I’m hoping.
I’ve been talking with Jamie a lot lately. I guess her boyfriend is trying to get her a little ‘curvier’, so she wants to talk with me about that. But she’s in Pittsburgh right now, so I can’t very well do anything with her!
Allison is going to Kingston to visit friends.
Rachel is going back to London for the weekend. I’ve thought about doing that. But Lauren and Meg aren’t very enlightened, they still act like they’re in high school!
I’ll see if I can pin anyone down to do something though. Maybe go see a movie or something. I might even convince Ian it’s a good idea, free refills… lol
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Holey Cow!
Ian got his scale yesterday. It’s this huge green ugly thing. I don’t know where we’re going to keep it, but it’s in our living room for now.
Last time Ian weighed, he was 349 pounds, he was ‘shooting’ for 360. I was shocked to see he was upto 370 pounds! I’ve been feeding him so much the last couple weeks, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. But wow, he’s getting to be a big boy.
Of course, I’m still enormous myself. I actually thought I might be upto 475 pounds. But I’m ‘only’ 457, up from 445 last time I weighed myself a few months ago. I knew I’d gained weight, but when I saw how fat Ian was, I was worried I just might be that much larger.
So… now the question is… what do I want to do? I’m relieved I’m not 475 pounds. And yet, with Ian’s newfound fat, I’m getting somewhat jealous of the joy he’s having with his food. I haven’t been eating as much as he has, but obviously enough! Maybe I should just enjoy myself for a bit longer. I mean, what’s a few pounds when you’re almost 460 pounds? I don’t like being this fat, but I do like to eat, and there is plenty of good food at our place right now.
We’ll have to see.
I haven’t really gone out with friends in a couple weeks now. I’d like to start rebuilding my social life. I also want to show off what I’ve done with Ian, lol. I’ll see if Jeri and James are upto anything exciting this weekend. She says she’s downto 190 pounds, which is great for her! I haven’t seen her in a few weeks, but she’s looking fantastic! She carries a lot of her weight in her breasts now…
I still remember how huge she used to be… 400 pound Jeri. Not long before Ian hits that. I’d have thought it would be fall before he got there, if ever. He might do it before Civic Holiday!
Hmm… Jeri is 190 pounds now. If she loses 2 pounds a week, and I gain… 4 a week… I could be three times her size in just 10 weeks. That’s a lot of eating, but I could do it, I think. Ian would have to help out more, lol. Let’s see, I’d be… 497 pounds. Still under 500. Jeri would be 170. Still a little soft. Wouldn’t that be something? I never dreamed I’d be twice her size, but now… it’s not unreasonable that I could be three times her size! I wouldn’t even have to break 500 pounds to do it. I wonder what Ian thinks of that idea?
I’d seriously have to diet after that, I really don’t want to break 500 pounds. I’d like to see Ian break 500 pounds though! He’s been doing 4 pounds a week it looks like. That would take him 33 weeks to hit 500. Still a while out, but that would be early next year.
By then I’ll surely be smaller than he is. By then Jeri might be back to her ‘normal’ weight. If I’m still 500, and Jeri is 120, I’d be more than FOUR times her weight. lol
Ian got his scale yesterday. It’s this huge green ugly thing. I don’t know where we’re going to keep it, but it’s in our living room for now.
Last time Ian weighed, he was 349 pounds, he was ‘shooting’ for 360. I was shocked to see he was upto 370 pounds! I’ve been feeding him so much the last couple weeks, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised. But wow, he’s getting to be a big boy.
Of course, I’m still enormous myself. I actually thought I might be upto 475 pounds. But I’m ‘only’ 457, up from 445 last time I weighed myself a few months ago. I knew I’d gained weight, but when I saw how fat Ian was, I was worried I just might be that much larger.
So… now the question is… what do I want to do? I’m relieved I’m not 475 pounds. And yet, with Ian’s newfound fat, I’m getting somewhat jealous of the joy he’s having with his food. I haven’t been eating as much as he has, but obviously enough! Maybe I should just enjoy myself for a bit longer. I mean, what’s a few pounds when you’re almost 460 pounds? I don’t like being this fat, but I do like to eat, and there is plenty of good food at our place right now.
We’ll have to see.
I haven’t really gone out with friends in a couple weeks now. I’d like to start rebuilding my social life. I also want to show off what I’ve done with Ian, lol. I’ll see if Jeri and James are upto anything exciting this weekend. She says she’s downto 190 pounds, which is great for her! I haven’t seen her in a few weeks, but she’s looking fantastic! She carries a lot of her weight in her breasts now…
I still remember how huge she used to be… 400 pound Jeri. Not long before Ian hits that. I’d have thought it would be fall before he got there, if ever. He might do it before Civic Holiday!
Hmm… Jeri is 190 pounds now. If she loses 2 pounds a week, and I gain… 4 a week… I could be three times her size in just 10 weeks. That’s a lot of eating, but I could do it, I think. Ian would have to help out more, lol. Let’s see, I’d be… 497 pounds. Still under 500. Jeri would be 170. Still a little soft. Wouldn’t that be something? I never dreamed I’d be twice her size, but now… it’s not unreasonable that I could be three times her size! I wouldn’t even have to break 500 pounds to do it. I wonder what Ian thinks of that idea?
I’d seriously have to diet after that, I really don’t want to break 500 pounds. I’d like to see Ian break 500 pounds though! He’s been doing 4 pounds a week it looks like. That would take him 33 weeks to hit 500. Still a while out, but that would be early next year.
By then I’ll surely be smaller than he is. By then Jeri might be back to her ‘normal’ weight. If I’m still 500, and Jeri is 120, I’d be more than FOUR times her weight. lol
Tuesday, June 18, 2002
I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.
When I was gaining weight, I enjoyed it. I was loving life, I was indulging myself, I was enjoying the new sensations that a new layer of fat brought about.
So why was I trying to rob this from Ian? I liked how I looked and felt. I didn’t answer to anyone. So when Ian was starting to gain weight; and enjoy it, I hated it! I hated how he looked. I knew it was hypocritical, for a fat woman to be on a fat guy’s case over his weight, but I was. I just couldn’t see what he was feeling! How narrow minded of me, to expect Ian to remain thin while I continued gaining weight as I pleased.
I’ve finally gotten over that. Ian was so great when I first moved in with him. He spoiled me no end. We had all kinds of treats, he would bring me things, he would do all the work around the apartment. Basically, he helped me get fat, and I was denying him the exact same pleasure. The problem was I was so wrapped up in myself, I didn’t appreciate just how much he was enjoying it.
Now I know the joy he was getting out of it. It’s always rewarding to have your efforts pay off. The harder you work, the more satisfying the results. I’ve been spoiling Ian ROTTEN! He gets home from work, he plants himself, and basically all evening he watches TV, plays on his computer or reads. All the while, I’m bringing him the best food I can. A nice pasta dish, a sweet dessert, a bag of chips, fruit, salads, ice cream, anything! I make the grocery runs, I’m doing all the chores in the apartment. I don’t mind. Just making him happy is my reward, for now. Ian did it for me for over a month! I owe him at least that.
Already I can see he’s gained a lot of weight. It’s amasing seeing him blowing up like that. He’s gaining faster than I ever did, he’s gaining faster than Jeri ever did. I don’t know why I didn’t like it before, but I absolutely love how he looks know. Very stately, very solid, very reassuring, almost like a living piece of art. And that is how I see him now. I’ve done paintings, sketched, tried my hand at sculpting, and I even see my cooking as an art form. But now, the most amasing medium of art is Ian’s flesh. I’m helping shape him into something new. I’m helping Ian attain a dream of his. We don’t know how far this will go, but I can keep this up for a while longer. I really do want to push Ian to his limits.
And what are his limits? I know that I’m past mine. 450+ pounds (I’m dying to find out) is just too big. It’s hard on my legs, it’s hard to find comfortable places in public, it’s hard to find clothes. But Ian is taller, there are more fat guy clothes to choose from. I wonder how big he can be before he is too big? Will he exceed 400 pounds? 450 pounds? 500 pounds?
There’s only one way to find out!
When I was gaining weight, I enjoyed it. I was loving life, I was indulging myself, I was enjoying the new sensations that a new layer of fat brought about.
So why was I trying to rob this from Ian? I liked how I looked and felt. I didn’t answer to anyone. So when Ian was starting to gain weight; and enjoy it, I hated it! I hated how he looked. I knew it was hypocritical, for a fat woman to be on a fat guy’s case over his weight, but I was. I just couldn’t see what he was feeling! How narrow minded of me, to expect Ian to remain thin while I continued gaining weight as I pleased.
I’ve finally gotten over that. Ian was so great when I first moved in with him. He spoiled me no end. We had all kinds of treats, he would bring me things, he would do all the work around the apartment. Basically, he helped me get fat, and I was denying him the exact same pleasure. The problem was I was so wrapped up in myself, I didn’t appreciate just how much he was enjoying it.
Now I know the joy he was getting out of it. It’s always rewarding to have your efforts pay off. The harder you work, the more satisfying the results. I’ve been spoiling Ian ROTTEN! He gets home from work, he plants himself, and basically all evening he watches TV, plays on his computer or reads. All the while, I’m bringing him the best food I can. A nice pasta dish, a sweet dessert, a bag of chips, fruit, salads, ice cream, anything! I make the grocery runs, I’m doing all the chores in the apartment. I don’t mind. Just making him happy is my reward, for now. Ian did it for me for over a month! I owe him at least that.
Already I can see he’s gained a lot of weight. It’s amasing seeing him blowing up like that. He’s gaining faster than I ever did, he’s gaining faster than Jeri ever did. I don’t know why I didn’t like it before, but I absolutely love how he looks know. Very stately, very solid, very reassuring, almost like a living piece of art. And that is how I see him now. I’ve done paintings, sketched, tried my hand at sculpting, and I even see my cooking as an art form. But now, the most amasing medium of art is Ian’s flesh. I’m helping shape him into something new. I’m helping Ian attain a dream of his. We don’t know how far this will go, but I can keep this up for a while longer. I really do want to push Ian to his limits.
And what are his limits? I know that I’m past mine. 450+ pounds (I’m dying to find out) is just too big. It’s hard on my legs, it’s hard to find comfortable places in public, it’s hard to find clothes. But Ian is taller, there are more fat guy clothes to choose from. I wonder how big he can be before he is too big? Will he exceed 400 pounds? 450 pounds? 500 pounds?
There’s only one way to find out!
Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Okay, I admit it, I’m loving this!
I spent the weekend stuffing Ian silly! It was a lot of food, and this is turning into an expensive hobby, but I had no idea that there was so much satisfaction in seeing another person eat quite so much.
And it wasn’t just lots. I’ve eat lots, Jeri’s eaten lots, Ian’s eaten lots. It was just a vast amount. I make a pancake breakfast, toast, bacon, a huge trip to McDonald’s, chips, cookies, ice cream, a stir fry. And that was just Saturday!
Every once in a while he’d have to stop, he said his stomach hurt it was so full! So, I’d get out the cocoa butter (prevents stretch marks) and massage his stomach for about 10 minutes. That was something else! He stomach was so stuffed it really was almost rock solid. I could see the pleasure/pain on his face as I massaged his tender tummy until he had room to eat again.
Sunday was more of the same, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, turnovers, pasta for lunch, KFC for dinner. Just seeing him there, sitting on the couch, in his robe. Stuffing himself, it was just hot, seeing someone so completely devoted to sensuality. And last night I made up a potato and beef dinner that he just devoured, we had to order pizza for later, during the hockey game.
Tonight I’ll have to do a tonne of grocery shopping, but it’s going to a good place!
I’ve come to view Ian in a new way. He’s my work of art. I always sort of saw myself that way. I wasn’t fat, I was different, I was unique, I was creating a new self. Well, now I’m doing the same with Ian. I want to do some paintings of him, maybe do some pencil sketches. I wish I’d thought of this sooner, like when he was still skinny! I’m really excited about this.
I spent the weekend stuffing Ian silly! It was a lot of food, and this is turning into an expensive hobby, but I had no idea that there was so much satisfaction in seeing another person eat quite so much.
And it wasn’t just lots. I’ve eat lots, Jeri’s eaten lots, Ian’s eaten lots. It was just a vast amount. I make a pancake breakfast, toast, bacon, a huge trip to McDonald’s, chips, cookies, ice cream, a stir fry. And that was just Saturday!
Every once in a while he’d have to stop, he said his stomach hurt it was so full! So, I’d get out the cocoa butter (prevents stretch marks) and massage his stomach for about 10 minutes. That was something else! He stomach was so stuffed it really was almost rock solid. I could see the pleasure/pain on his face as I massaged his tender tummy until he had room to eat again.
Sunday was more of the same, bacon, eggs, hashbrowns, turnovers, pasta for lunch, KFC for dinner. Just seeing him there, sitting on the couch, in his robe. Stuffing himself, it was just hot, seeing someone so completely devoted to sensuality. And last night I made up a potato and beef dinner that he just devoured, we had to order pizza for later, during the hockey game.
Tonight I’ll have to do a tonne of grocery shopping, but it’s going to a good place!
I’ve come to view Ian in a new way. He’s my work of art. I always sort of saw myself that way. I wasn’t fat, I was different, I was unique, I was creating a new self. Well, now I’m doing the same with Ian. I want to do some paintings of him, maybe do some pencil sketches. I wish I’d thought of this sooner, like when he was still skinny! I’m really excited about this.
Friday, June 07, 2002
If you’re going to do something, then do it right, right?
Well, I’ve officially decided that I’m going to fatten Ian up. Why? That’s a good question, and I do know that in my weaker moments, I’d like to be able to look back and find out why.
First, he’s so damned insistent. Part of loving someone is being supportive of them. If he wants to gain weight, then by all means, I’ll help him gain weight.
Secondly, if he’s going to as uncomfortable as I am, then the sooner he knows it, the better. That way if he starts losing weight, it will be easier for me to lose weight.
Third, I’m just curious to see how big he can let himself be!
Fourth, I’ve really come around to the idea of dating someone bigger than me again! I did it lots when I was thin (try finding a 110 lb guy!), but this will be all new. I love new!
Fifth, it’s a challenge. There haven’t been many challenges in my life lately. I think that maybe a problem I had with his weight wasn’t that he was fat, but that it just gave me a cause: to try to keep him slim. Since that didn’t work (I can admit failure), if I can get him to gain a lot of weight really fast, that’s something. Keeping the diet varied, keeping him interested and full.
Seriously, he’s really switched from eating just to eat to honestly eating to gain. I’ve never eaten to gain. Well, maybe a bit, but I mostly ate just ‘cause I liked to. And that’s what Ian’s been doing, just eating what he wanted. This is different, and if I can keep him motivated when he slows down, then all the better to me!
I can’t wait to get his new scale now, I really, really want to see Ian bigger than me!
I know I’ll probably gain weight in the process too, but you know what? I don’t care right now. I can be fat a little longer while I help Ian out with this.
Besides, Ian pointed out I don’t complain as much, and I don’t. I think I’m starting to adapt to being… um… ‘really fat’. Sure, the leg pain is still there, and the whole not fitting in public can be a nuisance. But it’s getting better!
Well, I’ve officially decided that I’m going to fatten Ian up. Why? That’s a good question, and I do know that in my weaker moments, I’d like to be able to look back and find out why.
First, he’s so damned insistent. Part of loving someone is being supportive of them. If he wants to gain weight, then by all means, I’ll help him gain weight.
Secondly, if he’s going to as uncomfortable as I am, then the sooner he knows it, the better. That way if he starts losing weight, it will be easier for me to lose weight.
Third, I’m just curious to see how big he can let himself be!
Fourth, I’ve really come around to the idea of dating someone bigger than me again! I did it lots when I was thin (try finding a 110 lb guy!), but this will be all new. I love new!
Fifth, it’s a challenge. There haven’t been many challenges in my life lately. I think that maybe a problem I had with his weight wasn’t that he was fat, but that it just gave me a cause: to try to keep him slim. Since that didn’t work (I can admit failure), if I can get him to gain a lot of weight really fast, that’s something. Keeping the diet varied, keeping him interested and full.
Seriously, he’s really switched from eating just to eat to honestly eating to gain. I’ve never eaten to gain. Well, maybe a bit, but I mostly ate just ‘cause I liked to. And that’s what Ian’s been doing, just eating what he wanted. This is different, and if I can keep him motivated when he slows down, then all the better to me!
I can’t wait to get his new scale now, I really, really want to see Ian bigger than me!
I know I’ll probably gain weight in the process too, but you know what? I don’t care right now. I can be fat a little longer while I help Ian out with this.
Besides, Ian pointed out I don’t complain as much, and I don’t. I think I’m starting to adapt to being… um… ‘really fat’. Sure, the leg pain is still there, and the whole not fitting in public can be a nuisance. But it’s getting better!
Wednesday, June 05, 2002
Okay, I give up.
If Ian wants to be fat, I may as well let him be fat. He won’t give it up until it’s out of his system. I guess I really should’ve known. I was the same way when Jeri wanted to lose weight.
So this leaves me with a few options.
1… I can keep up with the eating, and grow god knows how large
2… I can try to cut back, staying at whatever size I am now (can’t wait until Ian gets his new scale, the curiosity is killing me!)
3… I can try to diet. I don’t think it’ll be easy, not while Ian sits there gorging, but who knows? If I don’t try, it’ll never work, right?
And that’s just my personal options. I have to worry about if I can still love Ian. I love him now, but don’t find him all that attractive. The fact that he would do this sort of flies in my face. Can I love someone who doesn’t respect me? I don’t know. But the less attractive he is, the more our love would be tested.
Actually, that’s something of a lie. I keep telling myself that I don’t find him attractive, and when he was 300 pounds, I really didn’t. But he’s starting to grow on me, if you’ll pardon the expression. He’s 350 pounds now. And it’s weird, but I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before. I don’t know if I’m seeing something of myself, or seeing his raw passion. But there is part of me that wants to see him continue to gain weight.
To be sure, there is that wild fantasy part of me that wants him to be much larger than me. I’ve never dated a fat guy while I was skinny (I hated fat people when I was skinny!). I’m always up for new things, and THAT would be new!
Or there’s even the possibility of dating a guy fatter than me when I’m fat myself! I’ve never done that either.
For either scenario, I’ll have to lose weight, which I desperately want to do. The problem is… I can’t motivate myself to lose weight. It seems desperation isn’t enough! There’s part of me that is just enjoying it too much to give it up.
I think the next few weeks should bring about change. I know that Ian is going to be getting fatter like never before. The question is… what will happen with me?
If Ian wants to be fat, I may as well let him be fat. He won’t give it up until it’s out of his system. I guess I really should’ve known. I was the same way when Jeri wanted to lose weight.
So this leaves me with a few options.
1… I can keep up with the eating, and grow god knows how large
2… I can try to cut back, staying at whatever size I am now (can’t wait until Ian gets his new scale, the curiosity is killing me!)
3… I can try to diet. I don’t think it’ll be easy, not while Ian sits there gorging, but who knows? If I don’t try, it’ll never work, right?
And that’s just my personal options. I have to worry about if I can still love Ian. I love him now, but don’t find him all that attractive. The fact that he would do this sort of flies in my face. Can I love someone who doesn’t respect me? I don’t know. But the less attractive he is, the more our love would be tested.
Actually, that’s something of a lie. I keep telling myself that I don’t find him attractive, and when he was 300 pounds, I really didn’t. But he’s starting to grow on me, if you’ll pardon the expression. He’s 350 pounds now. And it’s weird, but I’m starting to see something I didn’t see before. I don’t know if I’m seeing something of myself, or seeing his raw passion. But there is part of me that wants to see him continue to gain weight.
To be sure, there is that wild fantasy part of me that wants him to be much larger than me. I’ve never dated a fat guy while I was skinny (I hated fat people when I was skinny!). I’m always up for new things, and THAT would be new!
Or there’s even the possibility of dating a guy fatter than me when I’m fat myself! I’ve never done that either.
For either scenario, I’ll have to lose weight, which I desperately want to do. The problem is… I can’t motivate myself to lose weight. It seems desperation isn’t enough! There’s part of me that is just enjoying it too much to give it up.
I think the next few weeks should bring about change. I know that Ian is going to be getting fatter like never before. The question is… what will happen with me?
Monday, June 03, 2002
Yup, still fat.
As though that could change over a weekend eh?
I feel my biggest when I’m around Jeri these days. Which is funny, of course, since she’s the one who ‘inspired me’ to gain weight. But now she’s getting so trim, she looks fantastic, I’m kinda jealous (I don’t know if you read this or not Jeri, but I’ve told you this).
I think what makes the biggest difference is that her double chin is almost gone! That makes a huge impact on if someone ‘looks fat’ or not. She’s under 200 pounds, don’t remember exactly, but just that subtle reduction in her face makes all the difference.
I still sometimes remember her as her large self. I remember when she was pregnant and *I* was skinny. I just remembering being in awe of how huge she was, and, at some level, still think of her as my ‘huge friend’. So when I realise I’m bigger, well, I just FEEL bigger. Well, I am bigger, but I feel my largest when she’s around.
Not that I sit around and mope or anything. Far from it. I don’t hate feeling huge, sometimes I enjoy it! But I guess it’s just a reminder that I could look like her, but I don’t. Hell, when I last lived with her I was still THINNER than she was, though bigger than she is now.
Ian ordered some scale off the Internet. He got it for like $200, and he says it goes upto 800 pounds. That’ll be nice, I’ll be able to weigh in private when I want to now! I can see how much I weigh naked, lol. I’m sure my clothes are good for 60 or 70 pounds…
What I’d like to do is use the day we get the scale as my jumping off point for slimming down. I dream of the day that I can use Ian’s 350 lbs scale, just to tease him about it! Sure, that’s spiteful, but why not? It’s all in good fun.
Of course, it’ll be a week or so until the scale arrives, so I’ll enjoy myself until then! Maybe surprise Ian with a huge order of Chinese food or something.
Right now, if I had to guess, I’m 455 pounds. Which is 390 naked…
As though that could change over a weekend eh?
I feel my biggest when I’m around Jeri these days. Which is funny, of course, since she’s the one who ‘inspired me’ to gain weight. But now she’s getting so trim, she looks fantastic, I’m kinda jealous (I don’t know if you read this or not Jeri, but I’ve told you this).
I think what makes the biggest difference is that her double chin is almost gone! That makes a huge impact on if someone ‘looks fat’ or not. She’s under 200 pounds, don’t remember exactly, but just that subtle reduction in her face makes all the difference.
I still sometimes remember her as her large self. I remember when she was pregnant and *I* was skinny. I just remembering being in awe of how huge she was, and, at some level, still think of her as my ‘huge friend’. So when I realise I’m bigger, well, I just FEEL bigger. Well, I am bigger, but I feel my largest when she’s around.
Not that I sit around and mope or anything. Far from it. I don’t hate feeling huge, sometimes I enjoy it! But I guess it’s just a reminder that I could look like her, but I don’t. Hell, when I last lived with her I was still THINNER than she was, though bigger than she is now.
Ian ordered some scale off the Internet. He got it for like $200, and he says it goes upto 800 pounds. That’ll be nice, I’ll be able to weigh in private when I want to now! I can see how much I weigh naked, lol. I’m sure my clothes are good for 60 or 70 pounds…
What I’d like to do is use the day we get the scale as my jumping off point for slimming down. I dream of the day that I can use Ian’s 350 lbs scale, just to tease him about it! Sure, that’s spiteful, but why not? It’s all in good fun.
Of course, it’ll be a week or so until the scale arrives, so I’ll enjoy myself until then! Maybe surprise Ian with a huge order of Chinese food or something.
Right now, if I had to guess, I’m 455 pounds. Which is 390 naked…
