Wednesday, July 31, 2002
The last thing I want to do...
... is turn into one of those miserable women who bitch and complain at how unfair life is because they are fat.
When I was skinny, I made fun of these people, because to me being fat was your own problem, your own fault. Just eat less, exercise more and shut up you fat bitch.
Of course, the shoe is now on the other foot. However, the skinny chick in me still says the same thing. The annoying part is, I know it’s true! It’s my own fucking fault I’m fat. I need to eat less and exercise more.
But, of course, it’s more than that. I don’t like to be so defeatist. I’ve always done what I wanted, and it’s kind of hard to suddenly come across something that I can’t do: be skinny. It’s hard having a goal that I can’t fulfill quickly. I’ve always set to tasks, set goals, but rarely did I plan ahead. School was different, had no choice but to take a few years to earn a degree! But that was just the background of my life, I had other goals that came first.
I have a few unfulfilled goals: I’d like to travel to Europe. I’d like a really nice car. (My Focus is nice, but you’d never confuse it for a Jaguar.) I’d like to be happily married. I’d like to run a large museum. I’d love to own a giant art collection.
A lot of these goals seem… indefinite. I’m not really sure if I’d be happy if I achieved them anyway. If I went to Europe, I’d just want to go back. If I had a really nice car, I’d want a nicer one, or lament the one feature it was missing. If I was happily married, I couldn’t date any more. If I ran a large museum, I’d be inundated with mundane tasks that would make me loathe my job. With a giant art collection I’d regret not having the pieces I REALLY wanted.
So the same would apply to being thin. I remember being thin. I enjoyed it. But I didn’t enjoy it so much that I gave a second thought to quadrupling my body weight! I used to be 110 pounds. I am now 443 pounds. Four times larger than I used to be. Just incredible.
On the way up, I didn’t mind. I loved it. I loved every bite, every pound, everything! But once I passed 400, it just started setting in. I was TOO fat. I’m too fat to get good clothes, I’m too fat to be comfortable on the subway. Hell, I’m too fat to eat at McDonald’s. How fucking fat can you be that you’re too fat for a place who’s soul business is MAKING PEOPLE FAT?!
I recently read that there is a doctor who does Weight Lost Surgery in London who is losing his practise. I’d never considered the surgery, but I found out he’s the only one who performs it on people over 400 pounds. HOW THE HELL CAN I WEIGH TOO MUCH TO HAVE WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!?!?!?!?!??!
As you might have guessed, I gained weight over the last week. Just a pound, but still it’s my first gain in over a month.
Ian’s busy crowing how great he feels at 403 pounds, and I’m stuck here at 443. He’s a huge fucking whale, and I’m bigger.
I hate this feeling. I hate being down on myself. I can accept internal criticism when it comes to my art. That’s what strives to make me a better artist. Someday I will finish something I can truly marvel at, and then I will be ready for the world to judge my art. But when I feel bad about how I look, that just bugs me.
I got fat on purpose, so I have no right to be angry. I’m trying to lose weight, I’m several pounds away from my all time high. I’ve been good. I should be happy that I’ve found what I want to do (lose weight, duh).
But I want to stop being this big. I want to stop being hungry, I want to stop craving food, eating it without noticing. I want to stop being stared at all the time. I want to buy nice clothes. I want sit on the floor, and be able to get up! (I didn’t realise I couldn’t until this weekend! I was painting Amanda’s mural and got stuck on the floor!)
I will miss being fat too. I’ll look back, when I’m 110 lbs again, and wish I had the big boobs, the ability to command attention by entering the room, be able to eat any and every thing. I’ll miss being bigger than Ian, being twice as big as Jeri. I loved that feeling, when I first got, of being twice Jeri’s size! That was my goal. That’s also when things started getting out of hand.
I think that was my goal, to experience being twice her size, like she’d experienced being twice my size. Of course, that’s long past. She’s down to 175 pounds. Yikes… I’m 2 and a half times her size now! I totally felt it on the weekend too. She’s lifting heavy boxes, doing moving. What was I doing? I was keeping Amanda out of the way. I was a useless lump. I’m too fat to help people do stuff.
... is turn into one of those miserable women who bitch and complain at how unfair life is because they are fat.
When I was skinny, I made fun of these people, because to me being fat was your own problem, your own fault. Just eat less, exercise more and shut up you fat bitch.
Of course, the shoe is now on the other foot. However, the skinny chick in me still says the same thing. The annoying part is, I know it’s true! It’s my own fucking fault I’m fat. I need to eat less and exercise more.
But, of course, it’s more than that. I don’t like to be so defeatist. I’ve always done what I wanted, and it’s kind of hard to suddenly come across something that I can’t do: be skinny. It’s hard having a goal that I can’t fulfill quickly. I’ve always set to tasks, set goals, but rarely did I plan ahead. School was different, had no choice but to take a few years to earn a degree! But that was just the background of my life, I had other goals that came first.
I have a few unfulfilled goals: I’d like to travel to Europe. I’d like a really nice car. (My Focus is nice, but you’d never confuse it for a Jaguar.) I’d like to be happily married. I’d like to run a large museum. I’d love to own a giant art collection.
A lot of these goals seem… indefinite. I’m not really sure if I’d be happy if I achieved them anyway. If I went to Europe, I’d just want to go back. If I had a really nice car, I’d want a nicer one, or lament the one feature it was missing. If I was happily married, I couldn’t date any more. If I ran a large museum, I’d be inundated with mundane tasks that would make me loathe my job. With a giant art collection I’d regret not having the pieces I REALLY wanted.
So the same would apply to being thin. I remember being thin. I enjoyed it. But I didn’t enjoy it so much that I gave a second thought to quadrupling my body weight! I used to be 110 pounds. I am now 443 pounds. Four times larger than I used to be. Just incredible.
On the way up, I didn’t mind. I loved it. I loved every bite, every pound, everything! But once I passed 400, it just started setting in. I was TOO fat. I’m too fat to get good clothes, I’m too fat to be comfortable on the subway. Hell, I’m too fat to eat at McDonald’s. How fucking fat can you be that you’re too fat for a place who’s soul business is MAKING PEOPLE FAT?!
I recently read that there is a doctor who does Weight Lost Surgery in London who is losing his practise. I’d never considered the surgery, but I found out he’s the only one who performs it on people over 400 pounds. HOW THE HELL CAN I WEIGH TOO MUCH TO HAVE WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY!?!?!?!?!??!
As you might have guessed, I gained weight over the last week. Just a pound, but still it’s my first gain in over a month.
Ian’s busy crowing how great he feels at 403 pounds, and I’m stuck here at 443. He’s a huge fucking whale, and I’m bigger.
I hate this feeling. I hate being down on myself. I can accept internal criticism when it comes to my art. That’s what strives to make me a better artist. Someday I will finish something I can truly marvel at, and then I will be ready for the world to judge my art. But when I feel bad about how I look, that just bugs me.
I got fat on purpose, so I have no right to be angry. I’m trying to lose weight, I’m several pounds away from my all time high. I’ve been good. I should be happy that I’ve found what I want to do (lose weight, duh).
But I want to stop being this big. I want to stop being hungry, I want to stop craving food, eating it without noticing. I want to stop being stared at all the time. I want to buy nice clothes. I want sit on the floor, and be able to get up! (I didn’t realise I couldn’t until this weekend! I was painting Amanda’s mural and got stuck on the floor!)
I will miss being fat too. I’ll look back, when I’m 110 lbs again, and wish I had the big boobs, the ability to command attention by entering the room, be able to eat any and every thing. I’ll miss being bigger than Ian, being twice as big as Jeri. I loved that feeling, when I first got, of being twice Jeri’s size! That was my goal. That’s also when things started getting out of hand.
I think that was my goal, to experience being twice her size, like she’d experienced being twice my size. Of course, that’s long past. She’s down to 175 pounds. Yikes… I’m 2 and a half times her size now! I totally felt it on the weekend too. She’s lifting heavy boxes, doing moving. What was I doing? I was keeping Amanda out of the way. I was a useless lump. I’m too fat to help people do stuff.
Tuesday, July 30, 2002
I haven’t felt this bad about eating in a long time.
Long ago, in high school and even university, to me food was fuel. I didn’t much care to eat. If I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t hungry. I never craved chocolate, or McDonald’s or ice cream. I mostly ate fruit and veggies, some muffins here and there. I drank a lot of coffee, and V-8. I didn’t think I had food issues, but I probably did. I was 5’10”, 110 pounds! You could count my ribs by sight. But I was healthy, I played sports, I did stuff. I would even eat socially, if everyone went to McDonald’s, or had pizza, I had some, sure. I just had a token amount, because I wasn’t hungry.
I don’t remember ever going ‘god I wish I hadn’t eaten that’. I’m sure I did, but it wasn’t some traumatic experience. I never ate a whole cake, or a whole tub of Hagen Daaz. Or a whole pizza, a whole bag of chips or anything. I just never had the desire to do so.
Of course, when Jeri changed, and when I changed, I never regretted anything I ate… I mostly regretted wasting so many years NOT eating! I learned how to love to eat, to try new foods, new food combinations. How to cook, how to create new recipes, how to tweak ones I found to make them interesting. I loved food, I loved to eat, and aside from some failed experiments, never felt bad about what I ate!
But once I broke 400 pounds, I started becoming acutely aware that I was indeed quite fat! But that didn’t really curb my appetite much. Though I was starting to feel… that I shouldn’t be eating so much, that I was getting to be too big. Ian was encouraging me though, he made me feel, happy, comfortable as I grew larger. I hate to think that I gained weight FOR him. But it may just be that I was not eating less for him. Subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to me. I was eating for me, fat for him, everyone was happy.
Even as I got up to 450 pounds, I still loved to eat. I’d feel bad for being fat, but would never sit back and wish I hadn’t eaten what I’d just eaten.
Well, after helping Jeri and James get their new place ready (I painted Amanda’s room, it was a lot of work, but it looks FANTASTIC!), I needed to spend some time on me. Since Ian was helping James set stuff up, I was home alone last night. So, what does a fat chick do when she’s alone and bored? She eats. I’ve still got huge stores of food from when Ian was gaining. We’re going through it much slower… but not last night! I had chips, cookies, ice cream. I went out and got some (okay a lot) of KFC. I have no idea how much I ate, but it was a LOT. I woke up this morning feeling more lethargic than ever, I could tell it was from that huge mass of food clogging my gut.
I’ve really enjoyed the last little while, focusing on fattening Ian has had the side effect of letting me drop some weight.
Just seeing the needle on the scale head lower was a real high point of my recent weeks! The thought of Ian getting HUGE and me getting TINY was playing out in all my little fantasies. But now… more than ever… I just feel like a huge fat eating machine. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again.
I’m tired of being the fat chick. I’m tired of having food be so important to me. I want to go back to high school when a bag of carrot and celery would last me the day. I want to go back to when women were jealous of how thin I was. I want to go back to when I could walk into a store, buy the smallest size they had and not even have to try it on. I want to see my feet! I want to run. I want to sit at a table at McDonald’s!
There are so many things that I want to do that I can’t. Things that I always took for granted, never enjoyed when I could.
Long ago, in high school and even university, to me food was fuel. I didn’t much care to eat. If I wasn’t hungry, I wasn’t hungry. I never craved chocolate, or McDonald’s or ice cream. I mostly ate fruit and veggies, some muffins here and there. I drank a lot of coffee, and V-8. I didn’t think I had food issues, but I probably did. I was 5’10”, 110 pounds! You could count my ribs by sight. But I was healthy, I played sports, I did stuff. I would even eat socially, if everyone went to McDonald’s, or had pizza, I had some, sure. I just had a token amount, because I wasn’t hungry.
I don’t remember ever going ‘god I wish I hadn’t eaten that’. I’m sure I did, but it wasn’t some traumatic experience. I never ate a whole cake, or a whole tub of Hagen Daaz. Or a whole pizza, a whole bag of chips or anything. I just never had the desire to do so.
Of course, when Jeri changed, and when I changed, I never regretted anything I ate… I mostly regretted wasting so many years NOT eating! I learned how to love to eat, to try new foods, new food combinations. How to cook, how to create new recipes, how to tweak ones I found to make them interesting. I loved food, I loved to eat, and aside from some failed experiments, never felt bad about what I ate!
But once I broke 400 pounds, I started becoming acutely aware that I was indeed quite fat! But that didn’t really curb my appetite much. Though I was starting to feel… that I shouldn’t be eating so much, that I was getting to be too big. Ian was encouraging me though, he made me feel, happy, comfortable as I grew larger. I hate to think that I gained weight FOR him. But it may just be that I was not eating less for him. Subtle difference, but it makes all the difference to me. I was eating for me, fat for him, everyone was happy.
Even as I got up to 450 pounds, I still loved to eat. I’d feel bad for being fat, but would never sit back and wish I hadn’t eaten what I’d just eaten.
Well, after helping Jeri and James get their new place ready (I painted Amanda’s room, it was a lot of work, but it looks FANTASTIC!), I needed to spend some time on me. Since Ian was helping James set stuff up, I was home alone last night. So, what does a fat chick do when she’s alone and bored? She eats. I’ve still got huge stores of food from when Ian was gaining. We’re going through it much slower… but not last night! I had chips, cookies, ice cream. I went out and got some (okay a lot) of KFC. I have no idea how much I ate, but it was a LOT. I woke up this morning feeling more lethargic than ever, I could tell it was from that huge mass of food clogging my gut.
I’ve really enjoyed the last little while, focusing on fattening Ian has had the side effect of letting me drop some weight.
Just seeing the needle on the scale head lower was a real high point of my recent weeks! The thought of Ian getting HUGE and me getting TINY was playing out in all my little fantasies. But now… more than ever… I just feel like a huge fat eating machine. I don’t think I’ll ever be thin again. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again.
I’m tired of being the fat chick. I’m tired of having food be so important to me. I want to go back to high school when a bag of carrot and celery would last me the day. I want to go back to when women were jealous of how thin I was. I want to go back to when I could walk into a store, buy the smallest size they had and not even have to try it on. I want to see my feet! I want to run. I want to sit at a table at McDonald’s!
There are so many things that I want to do that I can’t. Things that I always took for granted, never enjoyed when I could.
Friday, July 26, 2002
It’s called a changeover
– the movie goes on, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
You’ve gotta love these moments in your life.
What you were doing is no longer what you’re going to be doing, for whatever reason.
End of a school year, finishing a painting, dumping a boyfriend, moving to a new place, getting a new job. I’ve had thousands of these changeovers in my life.
Most of the time they’re good, it means I get to do something new and exciting. This is the first time I’ve reached a point where I know I can’t keep going like I have, but I don’t know what I’m going to do next. (Well, a couple office jobs kinda sucked, but I didn’t mind leaving them!)
I don’t know for sure that my life, as it is now, is going to change, but I’m starting to feel stagnant. I could probably plan something: going back to school, taking courses, doing a new painting. But none of that really interests me now.
So what’s changed? Ian’s changing. I mean he was changing before, from a fit guy into a fat guy. It took me a while to buy into the change, but now I love that fat lug! But now he’s not gaining any more. I’m still fatter than him. So that’s got me down. I was looking forward to being smaller than someone finally.
I’d really gotten into cooking, baking, shopping; everything to feed Ian’s appetite. I hate to think of myself as serving him, but basically, I was. I was doing it because I enjoyed the entire operation, feeding him was a goal, not a requirement. Making him happy, making him full, making him gain weight, these were rewards for a job well done. I was good at it. I loved doing it. Now I can’t.
I need to find something to fill this void. I’ll probably end up just regaining weight. I noticed that I’m falling back into my old routine of eating just about everything.
Damn it was easy to lose weight with eating Ian around!
– the movie goes on, and nobody in the audience has any idea.
You’ve gotta love these moments in your life.
What you were doing is no longer what you’re going to be doing, for whatever reason.
End of a school year, finishing a painting, dumping a boyfriend, moving to a new place, getting a new job. I’ve had thousands of these changeovers in my life.
Most of the time they’re good, it means I get to do something new and exciting. This is the first time I’ve reached a point where I know I can’t keep going like I have, but I don’t know what I’m going to do next. (Well, a couple office jobs kinda sucked, but I didn’t mind leaving them!)
I don’t know for sure that my life, as it is now, is going to change, but I’m starting to feel stagnant. I could probably plan something: going back to school, taking courses, doing a new painting. But none of that really interests me now.
So what’s changed? Ian’s changing. I mean he was changing before, from a fit guy into a fat guy. It took me a while to buy into the change, but now I love that fat lug! But now he’s not gaining any more. I’m still fatter than him. So that’s got me down. I was looking forward to being smaller than someone finally.
I’d really gotten into cooking, baking, shopping; everything to feed Ian’s appetite. I hate to think of myself as serving him, but basically, I was. I was doing it because I enjoyed the entire operation, feeding him was a goal, not a requirement. Making him happy, making him full, making him gain weight, these were rewards for a job well done. I was good at it. I loved doing it. Now I can’t.
I need to find something to fill this void. I’ll probably end up just regaining weight. I noticed that I’m falling back into my old routine of eating just about everything.
Damn it was easy to lose weight with eating Ian around!
Thursday, July 25, 2002
You wanna see someone freak out?
Find a single mom with a three year old who is trying to move!
Poor Jeri, she’s finally moving in with James, they’re renting a townhouse together. So they have to paint, they have to pack, they have to move. All the while, Jeri has to worry about what Amanda’s upto!
Poor Amanda, she hasn’t moved since she was teensy weensy (lol, I was still pretty slender back then). She certainly doesn’t remember it. She thinks packing is a game, that there is a prize in each and every box. While Amanda has fun rifling through a box Jeri is halfway through packing, you can bet Jeri is NOT.
She called me in last night to just keep an eye on Amanda. We did fingerpainting while Jeri kept trying to put too many things into one box. At least Jeri doesn’t expect me to help her move. Chalk up another advantage to being hugely fat!
Of course, Ian is helping James move, so I guess the rule goes only for fat women, or maybe the cutoff is somewhere above 401 pounds. Of course, when you help someone move there is free pizza, that might be what has Ian going at it.
Jeri is scared though. I know how she feels, I was pretty apprehensive about moving in with Ian, and I didn’t even have a daughter to worry about! So many things could go wrong, but at least she’s going for it, because of all the things that could go wrong, the things that could go right are so fantastic she’d be foolish not to try.
Besides, I’ve known James for a couple years, he seems great. Ian’s known him just about forever, and I trust Ian! Of course, I met Ian through James, but hey.
Find a single mom with a three year old who is trying to move!
Poor Jeri, she’s finally moving in with James, they’re renting a townhouse together. So they have to paint, they have to pack, they have to move. All the while, Jeri has to worry about what Amanda’s upto!
Poor Amanda, she hasn’t moved since she was teensy weensy (lol, I was still pretty slender back then). She certainly doesn’t remember it. She thinks packing is a game, that there is a prize in each and every box. While Amanda has fun rifling through a box Jeri is halfway through packing, you can bet Jeri is NOT.
She called me in last night to just keep an eye on Amanda. We did fingerpainting while Jeri kept trying to put too many things into one box. At least Jeri doesn’t expect me to help her move. Chalk up another advantage to being hugely fat!
Of course, Ian is helping James move, so I guess the rule goes only for fat women, or maybe the cutoff is somewhere above 401 pounds. Of course, when you help someone move there is free pizza, that might be what has Ian going at it.
Jeri is scared though. I know how she feels, I was pretty apprehensive about moving in with Ian, and I didn’t even have a daughter to worry about! So many things could go wrong, but at least she’s going for it, because of all the things that could go wrong, the things that could go right are so fantastic she’d be foolish not to try.
Besides, I’ve known James for a couple years, he seems great. Ian’s known him just about forever, and I trust Ian! Of course, I met Ian through James, but hey.
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
White Whale!
lol.
Well, Ian has broken 400 pounds. When he started gaining, I had no idea he would get so fat so fast, but I had no idea that I would be feeding him so much either!
Because we have spent so much time getting food in Ian, we haven’t gone out that much. Definitely not to the beach. As such, Ian sort of needs to work on his tan. He’s all white! A while whale, lol. (Like I should talk eh? I’m bigger and just as white… lol)
Now that he’s hit 400 though, maybe we’ll get some bathing suits and actually go to the beach. I can’t wait to slather him up with sunscreen! I’d love to see him gently bobbing on the waves in Lake Simcoe. Wouldn’t that be something? I wonder if I could convince him to get a Speedo… THAT would be hilarious! I don’t know if they make them that large or not. Of course, I have to find a bathing suit that will contain my own fat ass. I’d love to get a bikini, but that’s probably not going to happen.
I’m just picturing Ian laying on his back in the sun. His huge stomach raised to the sky like some sort of marble mountain. Oooh, or lying on his side. When he lies on his side his fat really spreads out. If he’s lying on the couch, his belly spills off the cushions. In bed he does literally fill up one half of our queen size mattress. He can’t even reach his belly button when he’s lying on his side, his gut spreads so far out!
I’d like to go with Jeri. No doubt she’ll find a bikini to strut around in. She’s still not quite skinny, but oh so proud of her body. She’s still got HUGE breasts, and a pudgy middle. Just thinking of her trying to find a bikini that would contain them sounds like a good afternoon’s activity.
Also I think Amanda would have a blast going to the beach, playing and splashing, and building sand castles!
With Ian and me going there, the tide is sure to come in.
Amanda will have a lot of shade to play in.
I can’t believe that together we weigh 843 pounds! That’s HUGE
lol
When we met our combined weight was closer to 500 pounds. In those days I thought THAT was huge!
Oh well. I’ll post more about my White Whale later.
lol.
Well, Ian has broken 400 pounds. When he started gaining, I had no idea he would get so fat so fast, but I had no idea that I would be feeding him so much either!
Because we have spent so much time getting food in Ian, we haven’t gone out that much. Definitely not to the beach. As such, Ian sort of needs to work on his tan. He’s all white! A while whale, lol. (Like I should talk eh? I’m bigger and just as white… lol)
Now that he’s hit 400 though, maybe we’ll get some bathing suits and actually go to the beach. I can’t wait to slather him up with sunscreen! I’d love to see him gently bobbing on the waves in Lake Simcoe. Wouldn’t that be something? I wonder if I could convince him to get a Speedo… THAT would be hilarious! I don’t know if they make them that large or not. Of course, I have to find a bathing suit that will contain my own fat ass. I’d love to get a bikini, but that’s probably not going to happen.
I’m just picturing Ian laying on his back in the sun. His huge stomach raised to the sky like some sort of marble mountain. Oooh, or lying on his side. When he lies on his side his fat really spreads out. If he’s lying on the couch, his belly spills off the cushions. In bed he does literally fill up one half of our queen size mattress. He can’t even reach his belly button when he’s lying on his side, his gut spreads so far out!
I’d like to go with Jeri. No doubt she’ll find a bikini to strut around in. She’s still not quite skinny, but oh so proud of her body. She’s still got HUGE breasts, and a pudgy middle. Just thinking of her trying to find a bikini that would contain them sounds like a good afternoon’s activity.
Also I think Amanda would have a blast going to the beach, playing and splashing, and building sand castles!
With Ian and me going there, the tide is sure to come in.
Amanda will have a lot of shade to play in.
I can’t believe that together we weigh 843 pounds! That’s HUGE
lol
When we met our combined weight was closer to 500 pounds. In those days I thought THAT was huge!
Oh well. I’ll post more about my White Whale later.
Tuesday, July 23, 2002
Just thinking about Ian today.
I really do love him. I’ve only other person I’ve ever loved before was Jeri. Well, I love Amanda too, but it’s not the same.
If you took the me of, oh, 5 years ago, and introduced her to the Ian of today, she would have nothing to do with him, I don’t think. She was still thin, she would never date a fat guy.
Heck, even if you take me now, all 440 pounds of me, and introduce me to the Ian of today, I’m not sure I could look past his fat! I know it’s hypocritical, but fat guys just don’t do it for me.
Fortunately I’ve gotten to know Ian as he got fat, so I’ve been able to see past the fat. He’s very smart, very quick witted. I like that in someone. He’s very determined, and firmly believes in what he believes. But he’s also open minded. Just because he believes something, doesn’t mean he can’t be convinced he’s wrong. It might take a lot of convincing sometimes, but it can be done.
When he becomes interested in something, he puts his whole self into it. His car, his work, his computer, his relationships and, yes, his eating. It’s rare to find someone so passionate. Even rarer to find someone who is so unapologetic for it. He knows what he likes, if you don’t, then keep out of his way.
It’s easy to admire someone who is smart and driven. I love to debate with him, he’s very good at it, and always learning to improve his technique.
But admiration is but a part of ‘love’.
Ian also does what he can to help me see my own admirable traits. He always supports my art, finding the good in my bad paintings. He is never without compliments for how I look, how I’m dressed or how I’m carrying myself. He’s always there if he senses anything is wrong, even the times that I think I want to be alone. He’ll quietly listen to my problems. Sometimes he’ll make me so angry by taking the other guy’s side, but he’ll show me how I was wrong. I’m always learning from him. Because of Ian, not only am I a better person, but I KNOW that I’m a better person.
And then there’s Ian’s fat. It’s funny, I love Ian’s fat. I love Ian being fat, I love Ian getting fat, I love Ian loving his fat.
And yet, I still have this little place crammed in the back of my brain that hates fat guys. This little, mean, twisted piece of my mind shouts out that he’s not in shape, he doesn’t care about himself, he looks absurd. I hate this little corner of darkness, but I cannot truthfully deny that it is there.
But fat Ian is somehow different. He does care about himself. He does not look absurd. He has such a self love that I cannot deny feeling it in myself. I love Ian’s body because Ian loves his body. Every pound, every roll, every ripple is Ian’s testament to himself. Every fold, every jiggle, every ounce is just more about him for me to love.
One day I will crush that virulent doubt in my brain.
One day I will love Ian with every fibre of my mind, body and soul.
That day cannot come soon enough.
I really do love him. I’ve only other person I’ve ever loved before was Jeri. Well, I love Amanda too, but it’s not the same.
If you took the me of, oh, 5 years ago, and introduced her to the Ian of today, she would have nothing to do with him, I don’t think. She was still thin, she would never date a fat guy.
Heck, even if you take me now, all 440 pounds of me, and introduce me to the Ian of today, I’m not sure I could look past his fat! I know it’s hypocritical, but fat guys just don’t do it for me.
Fortunately I’ve gotten to know Ian as he got fat, so I’ve been able to see past the fat. He’s very smart, very quick witted. I like that in someone. He’s very determined, and firmly believes in what he believes. But he’s also open minded. Just because he believes something, doesn’t mean he can’t be convinced he’s wrong. It might take a lot of convincing sometimes, but it can be done.
When he becomes interested in something, he puts his whole self into it. His car, his work, his computer, his relationships and, yes, his eating. It’s rare to find someone so passionate. Even rarer to find someone who is so unapologetic for it. He knows what he likes, if you don’t, then keep out of his way.
It’s easy to admire someone who is smart and driven. I love to debate with him, he’s very good at it, and always learning to improve his technique.
But admiration is but a part of ‘love’.
Ian also does what he can to help me see my own admirable traits. He always supports my art, finding the good in my bad paintings. He is never without compliments for how I look, how I’m dressed or how I’m carrying myself. He’s always there if he senses anything is wrong, even the times that I think I want to be alone. He’ll quietly listen to my problems. Sometimes he’ll make me so angry by taking the other guy’s side, but he’ll show me how I was wrong. I’m always learning from him. Because of Ian, not only am I a better person, but I KNOW that I’m a better person.
And then there’s Ian’s fat. It’s funny, I love Ian’s fat. I love Ian being fat, I love Ian getting fat, I love Ian loving his fat.
And yet, I still have this little place crammed in the back of my brain that hates fat guys. This little, mean, twisted piece of my mind shouts out that he’s not in shape, he doesn’t care about himself, he looks absurd. I hate this little corner of darkness, but I cannot truthfully deny that it is there.
But fat Ian is somehow different. He does care about himself. He does not look absurd. He has such a self love that I cannot deny feeling it in myself. I love Ian’s body because Ian loves his body. Every pound, every roll, every ripple is Ian’s testament to himself. Every fold, every jiggle, every ounce is just more about him for me to love.
One day I will crush that virulent doubt in my brain.
One day I will love Ian with every fibre of my mind, body and soul.
That day cannot come soon enough.
Monday, July 22, 2002
We got to go out Friday night, but that was it. The weekend was so hot that just going outside sapped all our energy, we couldn’t head out again Saturday night. Besides, we did some shopping on Saturday, which took up a lot of energy.
Sunday was mostly a lazy day of staying in, doing some household stuff.
Friday we went to Whisky Saigon. I love that club, great music, great atmosphere, and two dance floors makes for variety if you need it. It’s a lot of fun going out on the dance floor with Ian. We’re both huge, bigger than most of the people there! We bump into people a lot, which is kinda funny. They snap around, with an angry look on their faces, but when they see how large we are, they just kinda step back to give us the room we obviously need.
I also notice that a lot of women stare at Ian. And not the stares that I get. I can see something in their eyes, that they’re jealous of me. Until Ian got fat, I never met a fat guy I wanted to date. Maybe there’s something special about Ian that has me under his spell, and I can’t even see it. Oh well. I like having what other women want! Just wait until I slim down, then the jealousy will really kick in!
Saturday we went shopping. I forced Ian to buy some new clothes. A lot of the ones he has just don’t fit right, so I wanted him to have something presentable. We did get loose clothing, but not too loose like some of his other clothes. With the right suit on he looks absolutely FABULOUS. The cuts have to be just right, but when they are… mmmmm. He’s an absolutely commanding presence. He looks huge, but he doesn’t look ‘fat’. Just imposing, strong, striking, determined. It’s hard to explain, but there is nothing I could wear that would give me that air. At least nothing at my size now.
Sunday was just the day in. I did some cleaning, Ian did some snacking. I don’t think he has any idea how much he eats. The funny part is, he kept mentioning how hungry he is. I’ve never seen someone eat so much AND complain they were hungry! Well, maybe Jeri when she was pregnant.
That takes me back. I remember towards the end she was… this huge ball of hormones. She’d walk (waddle) into a room, and the only thing that would cross your mind is how to make sure she’s happy. 9 times out of 10, offering food would placate the beast. She would literally be planted on the couch, eating a bag of cookies and complain she was hungry for pizza. By the time the pizza showed up, the cookies were gone, and she’d cry for chocolate. Once her craving for chocolate was satisfied, she’d beg someone to go to McDonald’s for her. It was usually a good idea to go, otherwise she’d just whine about how HUNGRY she was, and that everyone was so mean to her.
Sunday was mostly a lazy day of staying in, doing some household stuff.
Friday we went to Whisky Saigon. I love that club, great music, great atmosphere, and two dance floors makes for variety if you need it. It’s a lot of fun going out on the dance floor with Ian. We’re both huge, bigger than most of the people there! We bump into people a lot, which is kinda funny. They snap around, with an angry look on their faces, but when they see how large we are, they just kinda step back to give us the room we obviously need.
I also notice that a lot of women stare at Ian. And not the stares that I get. I can see something in their eyes, that they’re jealous of me. Until Ian got fat, I never met a fat guy I wanted to date. Maybe there’s something special about Ian that has me under his spell, and I can’t even see it. Oh well. I like having what other women want! Just wait until I slim down, then the jealousy will really kick in!
Saturday we went shopping. I forced Ian to buy some new clothes. A lot of the ones he has just don’t fit right, so I wanted him to have something presentable. We did get loose clothing, but not too loose like some of his other clothes. With the right suit on he looks absolutely FABULOUS. The cuts have to be just right, but when they are… mmmmm. He’s an absolutely commanding presence. He looks huge, but he doesn’t look ‘fat’. Just imposing, strong, striking, determined. It’s hard to explain, but there is nothing I could wear that would give me that air. At least nothing at my size now.
Sunday was just the day in. I did some cleaning, Ian did some snacking. I don’t think he has any idea how much he eats. The funny part is, he kept mentioning how hungry he is. I’ve never seen someone eat so much AND complain they were hungry! Well, maybe Jeri when she was pregnant.
That takes me back. I remember towards the end she was… this huge ball of hormones. She’d walk (waddle) into a room, and the only thing that would cross your mind is how to make sure she’s happy. 9 times out of 10, offering food would placate the beast. She would literally be planted on the couch, eating a bag of cookies and complain she was hungry for pizza. By the time the pizza showed up, the cookies were gone, and she’d cry for chocolate. Once her craving for chocolate was satisfied, she’d beg someone to go to McDonald’s for her. It was usually a good idea to go, otherwise she’d just whine about how HUNGRY she was, and that everyone was so mean to her.
Friday, July 19, 2002
No solid plans for the weekend yet.
Hopefully I’ll be able to drag Ian somewhere fun. I’m thinking maybe Whiskey’s tonight, the Docks tomorrow. Who knows?
I do want to do some shopping tomorrow. I want to get Ian some new clothes. The ones he has are kind of utilitarian, and since his weight gain is slowing down, maybe some stuff that fits a little better! Besides, it’s good to get out and walking. I need the exercise if I’m going to shed this weight, and Ian needs it so he can get adjusted to his new size.
Besides, it gives us a chance to be out in public. I LOVE being out in public, especially now that Ian has gotten so large. I do dream of me being thin and Ian being like he is, I think that would be a lot of fun! I would like to get those looks ‘you’re so thin, why be with him? What’s he got?’. Ian used to get those looks when he dated me, when he was still in shape.
What else? Ian’s ‘diet’ isn’t really going as smoothly as he thinks. He still eats more than he used to. Sure, not quite as much as when I was stuffing him, but he’s so oblivious to snacks, it’s actually kind of funny!
I think he’ll be in for a bit of a surprise when the next weigh in occurs.
I hope to get together with Jeri and Amanda sometime this weekend. Maybe I’ll hang out at the soccer game with them again, that was kinda fun. Amanda’s got so much energy, it’s no wonder Jeri is in such great shape! I really want to be able to do sports with her, so I need to get my ass in gear.
Hopefully I’ll be able to drag Ian somewhere fun. I’m thinking maybe Whiskey’s tonight, the Docks tomorrow. Who knows?
I do want to do some shopping tomorrow. I want to get Ian some new clothes. The ones he has are kind of utilitarian, and since his weight gain is slowing down, maybe some stuff that fits a little better! Besides, it’s good to get out and walking. I need the exercise if I’m going to shed this weight, and Ian needs it so he can get adjusted to his new size.
Besides, it gives us a chance to be out in public. I LOVE being out in public, especially now that Ian has gotten so large. I do dream of me being thin and Ian being like he is, I think that would be a lot of fun! I would like to get those looks ‘you’re so thin, why be with him? What’s he got?’. Ian used to get those looks when he dated me, when he was still in shape.
What else? Ian’s ‘diet’ isn’t really going as smoothly as he thinks. He still eats more than he used to. Sure, not quite as much as when I was stuffing him, but he’s so oblivious to snacks, it’s actually kind of funny!
I think he’ll be in for a bit of a surprise when the next weigh in occurs.
I hope to get together with Jeri and Amanda sometime this weekend. Maybe I’ll hang out at the soccer game with them again, that was kinda fun. Amanda’s got so much energy, it’s no wonder Jeri is in such great shape! I really want to be able to do sports with her, so I need to get my ass in gear.
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
I’m down another 4 pounds.
Woohoo!
That puts me down 17 pounds in the last month.
Sounds pretty good, until I realise that it puts me at 443 pounds.
Some days, I like my fat.
Some days, I love my fat.
Some days, I don’t even notice my fat.
Some days, I dislike my fat.
Some days, I LOATHE my fat.
Guess which kind of day today is?
I’m tired of being this huge hulk. Chairs hurt, clothes suck and it’s fucking HOT. I get called ‘Big Mac’ and ‘Chubby Char’ enough that it just grates on my nerves.
I’ve been losing so much weight, 16 pounds is a LOT! But I’m still fucking enormous. I’m bigger than Ian, and he’s a fucking whale!
The worst part, it’s my own damn fault. I ate like a pig for two years straight, just ballooning, not caring that maybe I wouldn’t like to be fat at some point. It’s not as simple as just stopping eating. Now I always have to watch what I eat, I have to start to exercise. I have to do all that bullshit I never had to do before, and never wanted to do.
What’s worse, I have to do it while Ian is stuffing his face as he tries to get to 1000 tonnes or whatever the hell he wants to do. I know he’ll support me if I really ask him to, but I don’t know he really wants to.
Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be happier again. I like the days where I love my fat. I wish I could do that today, I really really do. I’m just a fat bitter cow right now.
What else can I complain about?
Jeri’s lost more weight, she’s like 180 pounds now. I remember when we were younger, we’d make fun of people that fat. Now I’d kill to be skinny like her! Makes me think of the days when I’d get all bloated. I couldn’t complain to any body, because who’s going to have sympathy for the 110 pound chick retaining water? That sucked.
The same thing now… I can’t complain to anyone, this is my own fucking fault. I can tell people to shut the hell up, of course. That’s kind of gratifying. I could go stuff myself with every candy bar in the machine, but I don’t have that kind of change, and I’m not sure it would really help the situation very much either.
Oh well.
Tomorrow’s a new day.
Woohoo!
That puts me down 17 pounds in the last month.
Sounds pretty good, until I realise that it puts me at 443 pounds.
Some days, I like my fat.
Some days, I love my fat.
Some days, I don’t even notice my fat.
Some days, I dislike my fat.
Some days, I LOATHE my fat.
Guess which kind of day today is?
I’m tired of being this huge hulk. Chairs hurt, clothes suck and it’s fucking HOT. I get called ‘Big Mac’ and ‘Chubby Char’ enough that it just grates on my nerves.
I’ve been losing so much weight, 16 pounds is a LOT! But I’m still fucking enormous. I’m bigger than Ian, and he’s a fucking whale!
The worst part, it’s my own damn fault. I ate like a pig for two years straight, just ballooning, not caring that maybe I wouldn’t like to be fat at some point. It’s not as simple as just stopping eating. Now I always have to watch what I eat, I have to start to exercise. I have to do all that bullshit I never had to do before, and never wanted to do.
What’s worse, I have to do it while Ian is stuffing his face as he tries to get to 1000 tonnes or whatever the hell he wants to do. I know he’ll support me if I really ask him to, but I don’t know he really wants to.
Hopefully by tomorrow I’ll be happier again. I like the days where I love my fat. I wish I could do that today, I really really do. I’m just a fat bitter cow right now.
What else can I complain about?
Jeri’s lost more weight, she’s like 180 pounds now. I remember when we were younger, we’d make fun of people that fat. Now I’d kill to be skinny like her! Makes me think of the days when I’d get all bloated. I couldn’t complain to any body, because who’s going to have sympathy for the 110 pound chick retaining water? That sucked.
The same thing now… I can’t complain to anyone, this is my own fucking fault. I can tell people to shut the hell up, of course. That’s kind of gratifying. I could go stuff myself with every candy bar in the machine, but I don’t have that kind of change, and I’m not sure it would really help the situation very much either.
Oh well.
Tomorrow’s a new day.
Tuesday, July 16, 2002
So much for big changes!
Ian may be trying to eat less, but he’s not succeeding! The really funny part is, he thinks he is! Sure, dinner was a regular portion, not a super-sized-keep-it-coming meal like he’s been eating the last month, but he more than made up for it with snacks!
I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to do during the evening, but I kept his chip bowl topped up, I kept cookies on his plate and even made him one of his huge sundaes he enjoys so much. Of course, he was completely oblivious to how much he was eating. It’s not like I was exactly calling attention to it or anything. He’s just accustomed to snacking, so I let him snack.
He did make note that he felt hungry after dinner. I told him it was because he ate so little, I only refilled his plate once (versus 4 times normally). Two platefuls is what he ate before we started his ‘feedings’. That’s what I ate then too, but lately I’ve only been having one plateful. No wonder I’ve shed a couple pounds!
I suppose it will take some time for Ian’s appetite to shrink back down. Until then, I’ll make sure he’s well stocked.
Ian may be trying to eat less, but he’s not succeeding! The really funny part is, he thinks he is! Sure, dinner was a regular portion, not a super-sized-keep-it-coming meal like he’s been eating the last month, but he more than made up for it with snacks!
I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to do during the evening, but I kept his chip bowl topped up, I kept cookies on his plate and even made him one of his huge sundaes he enjoys so much. Of course, he was completely oblivious to how much he was eating. It’s not like I was exactly calling attention to it or anything. He’s just accustomed to snacking, so I let him snack.
He did make note that he felt hungry after dinner. I told him it was because he ate so little, I only refilled his plate once (versus 4 times normally). Two platefuls is what he ate before we started his ‘feedings’. That’s what I ate then too, but lately I’ve only been having one plateful. No wonder I’ve shed a couple pounds!
I suppose it will take some time for Ian’s appetite to shrink back down. Until then, I’ll make sure he’s well stocked.
Monday, July 15, 2002
All good things must come to an end.
I’m not really sure what I should be feeling.
I know I’m feeling disappointed.
I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling disappointed, so I’ll just keep writing until I can nail it down.
I’ve really enjoyed the last month, doing what I can to help Ian with his pursuit of weight gain. I didn’t mind doing most of the chores, most of the cooking. I have no idea what came over me, but it was important to help him focus on his quest. Maybe I’m disappointed that it was his decision to stop, and not mine.
Maybe I feel there is more work to be done!
I was also starting to think that he would become bigger than me quickly. I know that I’ve enjoyed my size, I’ve enjoyed eating well, but I’m tired of being the fattest person I know. I was looking forward to Ian taking that mantle from me. I’m sure he’ll still do it, but what if I start regaining weight?
What if I do start regaining weight? I have lost weight while focusing on Ian, that weight could just pile right back on if things go back to ‘normal’. Certainly I was gaining weight before Ian started this binge. I don’t want to go back to that ‘normal’. I don’t want to be more than 450 pounds again. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I don’t have the T-Shirt, they don’t make them that big!
Maybe I just need something else to fill my time. I should start working on Amanda’s mural, that would occupy me, give a little meaning to my spirit. Certainly I don’t want a dark cloud hanging over me when I paint her room, I know it would show up. I’d hate to put some depressing mural on her wall just because I’m all messed up.
Hmmmm… I still haven’t hit on it yet.
I think that I’m missing something. This last month has given me more purpose than I’ve ever felt, I’m not ready to give it up, not yet. But what can I do? Ian doesn’t want to eat that much any more. I certainly don’t want to eat that much any more.
I don’t know what I’ll do just yet.
I hope I think of it soon, I hate this feeling I’ve got now!
So what are my thoughts on this past month?
I’ve absolutely loved watching Ian gain weight. He’s put so much effort into it, watching him eating, enjoying himself, all of it was very nice to see. Seeing him growing bigger, watching as he waddles around the apartment, through the mall, across the parking lot, watching as he struggles to get up from the couch, discover that he can’t put on a pair of pants, realise his seatbelt won’t fit. I’ve enjoyed all of that; enjoyed as he changed but the world stayed the same and he had to learn it.
I’ve gotten chills just staring at him as he snoozed on the couch, his large stomach hanging over the cushions. I’ve admired him as he slept, his enormous guy rhythmically moving up and down. I’ve adored watching him shower, as he tries to find new ways to reach places that weren’t a problem just a few short months ago. I’ve secretly watched as he inspects himself: hefting his considerable belly, exploring his rounded cheeks and doubled chin. I thrill when I see him try to examine his behind. There is no feeling to describe when I can see that look on his face, that look that says to me ‘Oh my god, I didn’t realise that I was this big! I can’t believe how much I’ve changed!’ It’s the closest thing to pure joy.
Of course I’ll miss seeing him eat. He doesn’t always just shovel it back. With my better creations he takes his time. He savours it, he asks if I can make him more so he can enjoy it longer. Just the expressions, the enjoyment, the pure pleasure he can take in such a poetically simple act as taking a bite of dinner. I’m going to miss that.
But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.
I’m not really sure what I should be feeling.
I know I’m feeling disappointed.
I don’t know exactly why I’m feeling disappointed, so I’ll just keep writing until I can nail it down.
I’ve really enjoyed the last month, doing what I can to help Ian with his pursuit of weight gain. I didn’t mind doing most of the chores, most of the cooking. I have no idea what came over me, but it was important to help him focus on his quest. Maybe I’m disappointed that it was his decision to stop, and not mine.
Maybe I feel there is more work to be done!
I was also starting to think that he would become bigger than me quickly. I know that I’ve enjoyed my size, I’ve enjoyed eating well, but I’m tired of being the fattest person I know. I was looking forward to Ian taking that mantle from me. I’m sure he’ll still do it, but what if I start regaining weight?
What if I do start regaining weight? I have lost weight while focusing on Ian, that weight could just pile right back on if things go back to ‘normal’. Certainly I was gaining weight before Ian started this binge. I don’t want to go back to that ‘normal’. I don’t want to be more than 450 pounds again. I’ve been there, I’ve done that, I don’t have the T-Shirt, they don’t make them that big!
Maybe I just need something else to fill my time. I should start working on Amanda’s mural, that would occupy me, give a little meaning to my spirit. Certainly I don’t want a dark cloud hanging over me when I paint her room, I know it would show up. I’d hate to put some depressing mural on her wall just because I’m all messed up.
Hmmmm… I still haven’t hit on it yet.
I think that I’m missing something. This last month has given me more purpose than I’ve ever felt, I’m not ready to give it up, not yet. But what can I do? Ian doesn’t want to eat that much any more. I certainly don’t want to eat that much any more.
I don’t know what I’ll do just yet.
I hope I think of it soon, I hate this feeling I’ve got now!
So what are my thoughts on this past month?
I’ve absolutely loved watching Ian gain weight. He’s put so much effort into it, watching him eating, enjoying himself, all of it was very nice to see. Seeing him growing bigger, watching as he waddles around the apartment, through the mall, across the parking lot, watching as he struggles to get up from the couch, discover that he can’t put on a pair of pants, realise his seatbelt won’t fit. I’ve enjoyed all of that; enjoyed as he changed but the world stayed the same and he had to learn it.
I’ve gotten chills just staring at him as he snoozed on the couch, his large stomach hanging over the cushions. I’ve admired him as he slept, his enormous guy rhythmically moving up and down. I’ve adored watching him shower, as he tries to find new ways to reach places that weren’t a problem just a few short months ago. I’ve secretly watched as he inspects himself: hefting his considerable belly, exploring his rounded cheeks and doubled chin. I thrill when I see him try to examine his behind. There is no feeling to describe when I can see that look on his face, that look that says to me ‘Oh my god, I didn’t realise that I was this big! I can’t believe how much I’ve changed!’ It’s the closest thing to pure joy.
Of course I’ll miss seeing him eat. He doesn’t always just shovel it back. With my better creations he takes his time. He savours it, he asks if I can make him more so he can enjoy it longer. Just the expressions, the enjoyment, the pure pleasure he can take in such a poetically simple act as taking a bite of dinner. I’m going to miss that.
But, as they say, all good things must come to an end.
Friday, July 12, 2002
Wooohoooo!
Jeri, Amanda and James are moving into a town house, and Jeri’s decided that she wants me to paint a mural in Amanda’s room. Something cutesy, but not too Disney.
I can’t wait! I’ll talk it over with Amanda, of course. But I’m thinking something like an enchanted forest, hills, a castle in the distance. I think she’ll love that, it’s what she likes to paint. Hopefully if I get the tone of it right, she’ll never get tired of it. I’ll see if I can ‘hide’ things in it, that she can discover over time.
I’ve never done something like that, I’ll have to find out how much time these things generally take, what kinds of paints to use etc. If it goes well, I just might put a mural in our apartment! No idea what I’d put up, but maybe an abstract cityscape, or maybe a small French café perhaps?
Jeri, Amanda and James are moving into a town house, and Jeri’s decided that she wants me to paint a mural in Amanda’s room. Something cutesy, but not too Disney.
I can’t wait! I’ll talk it over with Amanda, of course. But I’m thinking something like an enchanted forest, hills, a castle in the distance. I think she’ll love that, it’s what she likes to paint. Hopefully if I get the tone of it right, she’ll never get tired of it. I’ll see if I can ‘hide’ things in it, that she can discover over time.
I’ve never done something like that, I’ll have to find out how much time these things generally take, what kinds of paints to use etc. If it goes well, I just might put a mural in our apartment! No idea what I’d put up, but maybe an abstract cityscape, or maybe a small French café perhaps?
Thursday, July 11, 2002
Crazy Environmentalists
So it seems that environmentalists are to ‘blame’ for the recent spate of massive forest fires in the USA. Wonder if that’s true in Saskatchewan and Quebec? If I weren’t lazy, maybe I’d go find out.
Don't get me wrong, I think preserving as much of Earth's natural beauty is vitally important. But before I make any effort to actually do so, I might actually try to make sure what I'm doing is the best thing to do... for at least nature or mankind.
I guess the main problem is that they advocate the ‘status quo’. Certainly seems like a good idea, the forests got along just fine before Americans showed up, so they should get along just fine without Americans visiting/tending/logging them. However, it turns out that the status quo was already so far out of equilibrium that the forests basically had no choice but to burn out of control. Of course, without American stewardship, the forests will eventually return to an equilibrium, but who knows how long?
Let me ask this: what do you think creates more greenhouse gas: 500,000 Ford Explorers or 8 million burning trees?
So it seems that environmentalists are to ‘blame’ for the recent spate of massive forest fires in the USA. Wonder if that’s true in Saskatchewan and Quebec? If I weren’t lazy, maybe I’d go find out.
Don't get me wrong, I think preserving as much of Earth's natural beauty is vitally important. But before I make any effort to actually do so, I might actually try to make sure what I'm doing is the best thing to do... for at least nature or mankind.
I guess the main problem is that they advocate the ‘status quo’. Certainly seems like a good idea, the forests got along just fine before Americans showed up, so they should get along just fine without Americans visiting/tending/logging them. However, it turns out that the status quo was already so far out of equilibrium that the forests basically had no choice but to burn out of control. Of course, without American stewardship, the forests will eventually return to an equilibrium, but who knows how long?
Let me ask this: what do you think creates more greenhouse gas: 500,000 Ford Explorers or 8 million burning trees?
Wednesday, July 10, 2002
Unreal.
Ian and I did our weekly weigh in this morning. Ian likes to do it weekly, as it is a long enough period for ‘serious gain’, but frequent enough to satisfy his curiosity. I used to do it sort of whenever I got curious, but I must admit, I love seeing Ian’s weekly weigh ins! He’s become my project, my work, my life, my obsession (in a good way!). Just seeing that satisfied look as he leans back, his stomach full to capacity, brings me a nice little shiver. Watching as he plows through a plate of my three cheese macaroni, I get a very agreeable thrill. Watching him waddle through the door when he gets home, the feeling of his stomach pressing against mine in bed, seeing his billowing clothes get tighter by the day. I love all of it, wouldn’t give it up for anything.
But most of all, I know he absolutely loves his life right now, and I know it’s because I’m such an important part of it.
So this morning Ian got up on the scale and he has gained EIGHT pounds since last week! I’ve been feeding him more and more. I’ve been serving him a high carb ‘sports drink’ which certainly seems to be doing it’s damage. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he would gain more this week than ever before.
I myself have lost another 4. I know you’re not supposed to lose more than 2 a week, but surely when you’re hyper fat like I am, it’s not a huge deal. I’m sure the fact I’m spending more energy than I have in years, and really eating sensibly is a valid reason. I do have more energy than I’ve had in a while, I’m thinking by the time I hit 400, I might be quite okay with things. But who knows? We’ll see how I feel then.
Speaking of 400, Ian is going to hit that pretty soon, the next couple of weeks if he’ll let me keep feeding him past the weekend. I had no idea I could get him this fat this fast! I thought, when I originally agreed to let him gain weight, that he might hit 400 in late fall, if ever.
I definitely thought it wouldn’t be until next summer when Ian might outweigh me. Looks like that could even come before the end of summer, if I can put my mind to it!
I’m under 450 pounds for the first time since… god knows when. Ian seems a little disappointed that I’m still losing, but tough for him. I’ve been too big for months now, I need to be comfortable in my own body. I never ever seriously imagined I’d be over 450. Heck, even getting to 400 was a semi-serious goal, along the lines of ‘if it happens, it happens’. How I got to 457, I’ll never know.
I’d like to set a long term goal for myself, but I really don’t know what I want. I’d like to get to 400 pounds, but that’s not long term, is it? Maybe it is.
I’ve seen Jeri playing soccer with Amanda. Jeri looks so happy being so ‘slim’ after the last few years. I’d love to teach Amanda to play basketball, but I’d have to get down to maybe 200 before I could really do that.
My other dream, becoming a teacher, doesn’t have a specific weight requirement. But of course, I need to be able to fit into the seats at Teacher’s College, plus I’m not sure I want to be known as ‘that fat art teacher’. Especially with the name Miss McDonald, that’s just ASKING for trouble!
Ian and I did our weekly weigh in this morning. Ian likes to do it weekly, as it is a long enough period for ‘serious gain’, but frequent enough to satisfy his curiosity. I used to do it sort of whenever I got curious, but I must admit, I love seeing Ian’s weekly weigh ins! He’s become my project, my work, my life, my obsession (in a good way!). Just seeing that satisfied look as he leans back, his stomach full to capacity, brings me a nice little shiver. Watching as he plows through a plate of my three cheese macaroni, I get a very agreeable thrill. Watching him waddle through the door when he gets home, the feeling of his stomach pressing against mine in bed, seeing his billowing clothes get tighter by the day. I love all of it, wouldn’t give it up for anything.
But most of all, I know he absolutely loves his life right now, and I know it’s because I’m such an important part of it.
So this morning Ian got up on the scale and he has gained EIGHT pounds since last week! I’ve been feeding him more and more. I’ve been serving him a high carb ‘sports drink’ which certainly seems to be doing it’s damage. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that he would gain more this week than ever before.
I myself have lost another 4. I know you’re not supposed to lose more than 2 a week, but surely when you’re hyper fat like I am, it’s not a huge deal. I’m sure the fact I’m spending more energy than I have in years, and really eating sensibly is a valid reason. I do have more energy than I’ve had in a while, I’m thinking by the time I hit 400, I might be quite okay with things. But who knows? We’ll see how I feel then.
Speaking of 400, Ian is going to hit that pretty soon, the next couple of weeks if he’ll let me keep feeding him past the weekend. I had no idea I could get him this fat this fast! I thought, when I originally agreed to let him gain weight, that he might hit 400 in late fall, if ever.
I definitely thought it wouldn’t be until next summer when Ian might outweigh me. Looks like that could even come before the end of summer, if I can put my mind to it!
I’m under 450 pounds for the first time since… god knows when. Ian seems a little disappointed that I’m still losing, but tough for him. I’ve been too big for months now, I need to be comfortable in my own body. I never ever seriously imagined I’d be over 450. Heck, even getting to 400 was a semi-serious goal, along the lines of ‘if it happens, it happens’. How I got to 457, I’ll never know.
I’d like to set a long term goal for myself, but I really don’t know what I want. I’d like to get to 400 pounds, but that’s not long term, is it? Maybe it is.
I’ve seen Jeri playing soccer with Amanda. Jeri looks so happy being so ‘slim’ after the last few years. I’d love to teach Amanda to play basketball, but I’d have to get down to maybe 200 before I could really do that.
My other dream, becoming a teacher, doesn’t have a specific weight requirement. But of course, I need to be able to fit into the seats at Teacher’s College, plus I’m not sure I want to be known as ‘that fat art teacher’. Especially with the name Miss McDonald, that’s just ASKING for trouble!
Tuesday, July 09, 2002
Didn’t see that coming!
Well, it seems that Ian has eaten his fill. In some ways, I was surprised he lasted this long, but with him lasting this long, I was starting to think he could eat like that forever! I must say, I’m going to kind of miss feeding him all night. Yeah, it’s a lot of work, but it was very satisfying, that we were working together on something like that. Besides, I saw it as a kind of turn about, Ian was very nice to me when we first moved in, this was my first real chance to even the balance.
It really has been quite spectacular, seeing how much Ian can eat in one ‘sitting’. The amount of food I could put in him in a night was truly staggering the last week! Just seeing his appetite increase over the last month has been quite a treat. Of course, the real treat has been seeing how he himself has increased. I know I hated his fat at first, but now that he’s so large, so soft, so at ease with it, it really is pretty sexy. His stomach is bigger ‘round than mind is, I think. It’s kinda funny, how his body stores fat so differently than mine. He’s got the enormous stomach, a large chest. But his legs are still... well not skinny, but they seem too small for him. His arms are smaller than mine, his face has gotten a little rounder, his double chin is actually bigger than mine is. I like the feeling of his double chin.
I’d hoped we’d get to 400 before slowing down the feedings. I’m sure we’ll still hit 400. And, to be honest, I don’t know how much we’re really going to slow down the feedings. His appetite is huge, after all. I’ve trained his body to process an immense amount of food, it’s going to be expecting it. Of course, if he goes through a dry spell, it might slow his metabolism down, then we could get back to some serious gaining.
I do appreciate his need to slow down. I gained weight pretty rapidly myself. Not as quickly as he did, but there were some days I’d wake up, and not know who I was, as though I was stuck in someone else’s body. I STILL get that feeling, and I’m losing weight now! It will take some time for Ian to adjust to his new form. I’m sure the fat will move around a little as it finds its permanent home.
This also gives us more time to do things. I really do like going out with Ian, just to be out in public with him is a greater thrill than I’d ever imagined. I want to take him to all the places he used to like to go, where he’s too big for now. I really wish that *I* were small enough to fit, so he could feel what it was like for me to squeeze in when he didn’t quite understand the impact of being fat was for me. But unless we wait a year to do anything, that’s not going to happen. Maybe I can get Jeri to take him places; she loves to go visit places she used to be too fat for!
We are going to finish out the week of feeding. I already have the food and meal ideas to last until Friday, so we’re going to finish that off. Maybe Saturday we’ll do a proper sendoff. I’m thinking a LOT of ice cream…
Well, it seems that Ian has eaten his fill. In some ways, I was surprised he lasted this long, but with him lasting this long, I was starting to think he could eat like that forever! I must say, I’m going to kind of miss feeding him all night. Yeah, it’s a lot of work, but it was very satisfying, that we were working together on something like that. Besides, I saw it as a kind of turn about, Ian was very nice to me when we first moved in, this was my first real chance to even the balance.
It really has been quite spectacular, seeing how much Ian can eat in one ‘sitting’. The amount of food I could put in him in a night was truly staggering the last week! Just seeing his appetite increase over the last month has been quite a treat. Of course, the real treat has been seeing how he himself has increased. I know I hated his fat at first, but now that he’s so large, so soft, so at ease with it, it really is pretty sexy. His stomach is bigger ‘round than mind is, I think. It’s kinda funny, how his body stores fat so differently than mine. He’s got the enormous stomach, a large chest. But his legs are still... well not skinny, but they seem too small for him. His arms are smaller than mine, his face has gotten a little rounder, his double chin is actually bigger than mine is. I like the feeling of his double chin.
I’d hoped we’d get to 400 before slowing down the feedings. I’m sure we’ll still hit 400. And, to be honest, I don’t know how much we’re really going to slow down the feedings. His appetite is huge, after all. I’ve trained his body to process an immense amount of food, it’s going to be expecting it. Of course, if he goes through a dry spell, it might slow his metabolism down, then we could get back to some serious gaining.
I do appreciate his need to slow down. I gained weight pretty rapidly myself. Not as quickly as he did, but there were some days I’d wake up, and not know who I was, as though I was stuck in someone else’s body. I STILL get that feeling, and I’m losing weight now! It will take some time for Ian to adjust to his new form. I’m sure the fat will move around a little as it finds its permanent home.
This also gives us more time to do things. I really do like going out with Ian, just to be out in public with him is a greater thrill than I’d ever imagined. I want to take him to all the places he used to like to go, where he’s too big for now. I really wish that *I* were small enough to fit, so he could feel what it was like for me to squeeze in when he didn’t quite understand the impact of being fat was for me. But unless we wait a year to do anything, that’s not going to happen. Maybe I can get Jeri to take him places; she loves to go visit places she used to be too fat for!
We are going to finish out the week of feeding. I already have the food and meal ideas to last until Friday, so we’re going to finish that off. Maybe Saturday we’ll do a proper sendoff. I’m thinking a LOT of ice cream…
Friday, July 05, 2002
Silly Americans
Most of the time, there is very little difference between Canadians and Americans. We live in cities without long histories. We live in cultures that have only recently emerged, historically speaking. Many of us are only the first or second generation to grow up in our country.
We speak the same language (basically). We watch the same TV, the same movies, the same commercials (mostly).
On a day to day basis, there aren’t many clues as to how we are different.
But the MOMENT the constitution is mentioned, Americans become bizarre zealots who really have no clue. The first problem is that the language used to write their constitution hasn’t been modernised, so no one knows what the hell the ‘Founding Fathers’ really meant!
The second problem is that they just use their constitution to selectively defend whatever pet cause they might want supported that day.
The Pledge of Allegiance. Basically, they salute the flag, and state they believe in what the flag represents. That’s nice, we don’t have anything like that in Canada, but of course, the Canadian flag is very new, and not many ‘real’ wars have been fought under it. (No offence to Canadian troopers who have availed themselves many times over in Iraq, Bosnia and Afghanistan, but it’s not the same as the World Wars we fought under the Ensign.) So maybe we don’t know what our flag stands for. In the 50’s, in order to hold back the red tide of ‘Godless Communism’, they added ‘Under God’ to the end of their pledge.
However, their constitution clearly forbids the government supporting religion. Which is fine, too many countries allow religion to interfere with daily life to the detriment of average citizens. So, they’ve decided that the ‘new’ pledge is unconstitutional, and they must revert to the original pledge. The same pledge that WW1, WW2 were fought under. What’s the problem with that? WHY are so many people up in arms? They say ‘Under God’ doesn’t refer to a specific god. Fine. There is also another clause that allows Americans to say whatever they want. If you want Under God, just say it. But if the very fabric of your society says the government cannot condone God, then the pledge should not refer to God.
To all the people who believe that God had something to do with the founding of the USA, keep in mind that it was God who made King George the King of the United States. He can’t have done both. Why can’t your country have been born of the blood of heroes? Why does God HAVE to be on their side?
The other part that just KILLS me, is that they say that obviously Under God doesn’t refer to a SPECIFIC god, so no one should be offended, and then they turn around and say that a ‘Well Regulated Militia’ obviously means every man woman and child old enough to lift a pistol has the right to own as many guns as they wish.
The selective reading is hilarious, and it’s hard to take both stands seriously. If you want to go word for word on one part of the constitution, you have to go word for word for the ENTIRE constitution.
Most of the time, there is very little difference between Canadians and Americans. We live in cities without long histories. We live in cultures that have only recently emerged, historically speaking. Many of us are only the first or second generation to grow up in our country.
We speak the same language (basically). We watch the same TV, the same movies, the same commercials (mostly).
On a day to day basis, there aren’t many clues as to how we are different.
But the MOMENT the constitution is mentioned, Americans become bizarre zealots who really have no clue. The first problem is that the language used to write their constitution hasn’t been modernised, so no one knows what the hell the ‘Founding Fathers’ really meant!
The second problem is that they just use their constitution to selectively defend whatever pet cause they might want supported that day.
The Pledge of Allegiance. Basically, they salute the flag, and state they believe in what the flag represents. That’s nice, we don’t have anything like that in Canada, but of course, the Canadian flag is very new, and not many ‘real’ wars have been fought under it. (No offence to Canadian troopers who have availed themselves many times over in Iraq, Bosnia and Afghanistan, but it’s not the same as the World Wars we fought under the Ensign.) So maybe we don’t know what our flag stands for. In the 50’s, in order to hold back the red tide of ‘Godless Communism’, they added ‘Under God’ to the end of their pledge.
However, their constitution clearly forbids the government supporting religion. Which is fine, too many countries allow religion to interfere with daily life to the detriment of average citizens. So, they’ve decided that the ‘new’ pledge is unconstitutional, and they must revert to the original pledge. The same pledge that WW1, WW2 were fought under. What’s the problem with that? WHY are so many people up in arms? They say ‘Under God’ doesn’t refer to a specific god. Fine. There is also another clause that allows Americans to say whatever they want. If you want Under God, just say it. But if the very fabric of your society says the government cannot condone God, then the pledge should not refer to God.
To all the people who believe that God had something to do with the founding of the USA, keep in mind that it was God who made King George the King of the United States. He can’t have done both. Why can’t your country have been born of the blood of heroes? Why does God HAVE to be on their side?
The other part that just KILLS me, is that they say that obviously Under God doesn’t refer to a SPECIFIC god, so no one should be offended, and then they turn around and say that a ‘Well Regulated Militia’ obviously means every man woman and child old enough to lift a pistol has the right to own as many guns as they wish.
The selective reading is hilarious, and it’s hard to take both stands seriously. If you want to go word for word on one part of the constitution, you have to go word for word for the ENTIRE constitution.
Thursday, July 04, 2002
It’s already that time again:
What to do for the weekend!?
Hopefully the weather won’t be so oppressive this weekend, but with the garbage strike on in Toronto, is it worth going outside at all? Might just stay here or go north where it’s nicer, but it’ll be crowded with everyone leaving the city.
Maybe I’ll just stay in, fatten Ian up some more. I still can’t believe a) how big he is. b) that I rather enjoy how big his is. Stranger things can happen I suppose. I do like the way that I’m losing weight though. It would certainly make my current workload much easier. It’s also nice that my selection of clothes is going to become larger again.
I hope I don’t start to obsess over my weight loss. It’s kind of sad that Jeri is so focused on her weight. Of course, who am I kidding? I tend to obsess over everything! And I guess Jeri is entitled to do what ever makes her happy.
What to do for the weekend!?
Hopefully the weather won’t be so oppressive this weekend, but with the garbage strike on in Toronto, is it worth going outside at all? Might just stay here or go north where it’s nicer, but it’ll be crowded with everyone leaving the city.
Maybe I’ll just stay in, fatten Ian up some more. I still can’t believe a) how big he is. b) that I rather enjoy how big his is. Stranger things can happen I suppose. I do like the way that I’m losing weight though. It would certainly make my current workload much easier. It’s also nice that my selection of clothes is going to become larger again.
I hope I don’t start to obsess over my weight loss. It’s kind of sad that Jeri is so focused on her weight. Of course, who am I kidding? I tend to obsess over everything! And I guess Jeri is entitled to do what ever makes her happy.
Wednesday, July 03, 2002
Wow.
I lost another 4 pounds! I had no idea losing weight would be this easy. Of course, with the heat the last week, that could be 4 pounds of sweat that I’ve lost!
I’m almost under 450 now. I don’t FEEL smaller, but again, it’s just a little bit. Ian says that he can’t see it, and he knows my body better than I do.
Ian, on the other hand is upto 381. I’m amased at how fast he’s gaining weight! Who knew he could get so big so fast. It was only a year ago that he was reaching 280, and becoming noticeably fat.
I still remember the fights we’d get into over that! He wanted me fat, I wanted him fit, but somehow only he got his way. I’m glad this is a fight he won though. I really do like how he’s filling out, and I’m really enjoying being a large part of it. Not many people get to have a living, breathing, eating piece of art to play with.
Ian and I have actually discussed what would happen if he just kept gaining weight, if I’d actually take care of him if he became too large to take care of himself. I don’t know how that would work, where would our money come from? Right now, certainly Ian is the one earning the big $$$, not me! So, it’s kind of academic.
Given that we had the money to do that? I don’t know. Could I be responsible for him 24 hours a day? I think it would get a little tiresome after a while. I think it would be fun for a little bit though! I did rather enjoy the image of Ian being too large to get up from the couch. And the thought of me snuggling up with that much flesh is kind of thrilling. In this vision, I’m a more slender woman, about Jeri’s size, which seems reasonable to me.
I guess Ian would be maybe 700 pounds, and I’m about 200. Still a while from that, but the way things are going, it doesn’t seem THAT far away!
Even now, I think Ian’s stomach is further around than mine is. He’s just not filled in quite as much as I am. I love to see him sit back on the couch, he just takes up so much space. There isn’t room for both of us on the love seat, and even the couch isn’t long from being tight. I’m almost tempted to regain weight, just until it takes just the both of us to completely fill a sofa! But, it looks like I’ll never hit 500 pounds, which is okay by me.
So how much will I lose? I think 300 pounds (getting to 300 that is) would be a reasonable aspiration. I’ll still be twice Jeri’s size (she should be under 150 by then), and I’ll be small enough that pregnancy shouldn’t be TOO bad. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I’m ready to have kids. And to do that, I MUST lose weight. The risks of complications just go too high when you’re overweight.
I lost another 4 pounds! I had no idea losing weight would be this easy. Of course, with the heat the last week, that could be 4 pounds of sweat that I’ve lost!
I’m almost under 450 now. I don’t FEEL smaller, but again, it’s just a little bit. Ian says that he can’t see it, and he knows my body better than I do.
Ian, on the other hand is upto 381. I’m amased at how fast he’s gaining weight! Who knew he could get so big so fast. It was only a year ago that he was reaching 280, and becoming noticeably fat.
I still remember the fights we’d get into over that! He wanted me fat, I wanted him fit, but somehow only he got his way. I’m glad this is a fight he won though. I really do like how he’s filling out, and I’m really enjoying being a large part of it. Not many people get to have a living, breathing, eating piece of art to play with.
Ian and I have actually discussed what would happen if he just kept gaining weight, if I’d actually take care of him if he became too large to take care of himself. I don’t know how that would work, where would our money come from? Right now, certainly Ian is the one earning the big $$$, not me! So, it’s kind of academic.
Given that we had the money to do that? I don’t know. Could I be responsible for him 24 hours a day? I think it would get a little tiresome after a while. I think it would be fun for a little bit though! I did rather enjoy the image of Ian being too large to get up from the couch. And the thought of me snuggling up with that much flesh is kind of thrilling. In this vision, I’m a more slender woman, about Jeri’s size, which seems reasonable to me.
I guess Ian would be maybe 700 pounds, and I’m about 200. Still a while from that, but the way things are going, it doesn’t seem THAT far away!
Even now, I think Ian’s stomach is further around than mine is. He’s just not filled in quite as much as I am. I love to see him sit back on the couch, he just takes up so much space. There isn’t room for both of us on the love seat, and even the couch isn’t long from being tight. I’m almost tempted to regain weight, just until it takes just the both of us to completely fill a sofa! But, it looks like I’ll never hit 500 pounds, which is okay by me.
So how much will I lose? I think 300 pounds (getting to 300 that is) would be a reasonable aspiration. I’ll still be twice Jeri’s size (she should be under 150 by then), and I’ll be small enough that pregnancy shouldn’t be TOO bad. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I’m ready to have kids. And to do that, I MUST lose weight. The risks of complications just go too high when you’re overweight.
Tuesday, July 02, 2002
What a fun weekend!
I finally got to spend some quality time with Amanda. I was there for so much of her life at the beginning, I really, really missed being with her every day. I knew it was something I had to give up when I moved in with Ian, but some days… I just miss her so much. She’s so cute, so bright, so energetic! She has an infectious way of bringing out those qualities in me too.
She’s over three years old now, she doesn’t remember how much I put in when she was young. Helping Jeri in the middle of the night, changing diapers, making bottles, doing laundry (how can someone so small have so much laundry?!). But now, I just get the fun stuff! I get to play, I get to paint, I get to read to her.
On the weekend Jeri played some soccer. These are the guys she used to play soccer with, before Amanda was born. So that’s like 4 years ago I guess. I remember watching Jeri play, I was always impressed how she could keep up with the guys. Well, not any more. Granted, she’s still not in her top physical shape, but she was pretty rusty out there. I’m sure she’ll get better as she gets more playing time in. Besides, these guys haven’t had to take a 4 year break like Jeri has!
It was good seeing her out there too. I do miss the time I spent with Jeri, back when we were both getting big. But I do like how she’s really turned her body right back around! She has a lot more energy than she did just a few months ago. She’ll have her soccer body back. I wasn’t sure at first. When she said that was her goal, it’s hard to picture a 400 pound woman playing soccer, even if you knew that 400 pound woman when she was 120 pounds! But she’s on her way there, her game will get better as she gets trimmer.
Seeing her out there makes me kinda wish I could play some volleyball this summer. I mean, I guess I COULD. But there’s no way I can move like I used to. Hell, if I go for a dig, it could be four or five points before I can get out of the sand! Hmm, I haven’t been to a beach yet this summer. You know… it’s entirely possible I could not stand up in sand at all. It was pretty tough last summer, and I’m bigger now! And Ian wouldn’t be any help, he has enough problems getting his gut off the couch these days.
Again, this looks like regrets. It’s not. I loved every morsel of food that got me here. I loved every moment of being the biggest woman I know. But the more I see my thoughts here, the more I’m sure it’s time to slim back down. It’s time for Ian’s moment in the sun as the biggest guy I know. I’m sure once he’s there, he’ll slim back down too. Or not, it’s up to him. If he wants to be 5, 6, 700 pounds, I’ll be there for him.
Oh, and Ian’s weekend! I thought that this feeding would last a week or two. Who knew that it could be so exciting to watch Ian getting fatter? Who thought that I would ENJOY dedicating my time to making Ian’s life very easy? I cook, I clean, I do just about everything. And that’s not exactly easy at 450 pounds! Once I get to three hundred, this would be a breeze, I think. I don’t think I could convince Ian to wait. Or maybe I could. Can’t hurt to ask.
Anyway, I spent all the time I had feeding Ian. I bought this stuff called ‘Cytomax’. It’s a high energy drink that is just full of carbohydrates. It’s a little pricey, but tastes like Kool-Aid, and has way more calories in it. Ian’s capacity is getting up there, which means I spent more time bringing him stuff to eat. He used to eat, then rest. Now he eats longer and rests less. I guess his stomach is adapting to having that much food in it.
I still love how he gets when he’s completely full, especially when he’s already kind of sleepy. He just gets kind of glazed over. He lays back, with his hands on his stomach. If I’m lucky, he’s just wearing his robe, and I can see his stomach stretched tight. I’ve been doing my best with the cocoa butter, to prevent stretch marks, and I think it’s worked pretty well. He’s got a few, here and there, but nothing too bad. Of course, I rather enjoy applying the cocoa butter to his stomach, especially when it’s stretched tight, so there’s no real surprise there!
Last night, as we were going out, Ian seemed that much larger. That much more awkward. It took him a while to get up off the couch, and forever to put his sandels on. I like to make a difference!
I finally got to spend some quality time with Amanda. I was there for so much of her life at the beginning, I really, really missed being with her every day. I knew it was something I had to give up when I moved in with Ian, but some days… I just miss her so much. She’s so cute, so bright, so energetic! She has an infectious way of bringing out those qualities in me too.
She’s over three years old now, she doesn’t remember how much I put in when she was young. Helping Jeri in the middle of the night, changing diapers, making bottles, doing laundry (how can someone so small have so much laundry?!). But now, I just get the fun stuff! I get to play, I get to paint, I get to read to her.
On the weekend Jeri played some soccer. These are the guys she used to play soccer with, before Amanda was born. So that’s like 4 years ago I guess. I remember watching Jeri play, I was always impressed how she could keep up with the guys. Well, not any more. Granted, she’s still not in her top physical shape, but she was pretty rusty out there. I’m sure she’ll get better as she gets more playing time in. Besides, these guys haven’t had to take a 4 year break like Jeri has!
It was good seeing her out there too. I do miss the time I spent with Jeri, back when we were both getting big. But I do like how she’s really turned her body right back around! She has a lot more energy than she did just a few months ago. She’ll have her soccer body back. I wasn’t sure at first. When she said that was her goal, it’s hard to picture a 400 pound woman playing soccer, even if you knew that 400 pound woman when she was 120 pounds! But she’s on her way there, her game will get better as she gets trimmer.
Seeing her out there makes me kinda wish I could play some volleyball this summer. I mean, I guess I COULD. But there’s no way I can move like I used to. Hell, if I go for a dig, it could be four or five points before I can get out of the sand! Hmm, I haven’t been to a beach yet this summer. You know… it’s entirely possible I could not stand up in sand at all. It was pretty tough last summer, and I’m bigger now! And Ian wouldn’t be any help, he has enough problems getting his gut off the couch these days.
Again, this looks like regrets. It’s not. I loved every morsel of food that got me here. I loved every moment of being the biggest woman I know. But the more I see my thoughts here, the more I’m sure it’s time to slim back down. It’s time for Ian’s moment in the sun as the biggest guy I know. I’m sure once he’s there, he’ll slim back down too. Or not, it’s up to him. If he wants to be 5, 6, 700 pounds, I’ll be there for him.
Oh, and Ian’s weekend! I thought that this feeding would last a week or two. Who knew that it could be so exciting to watch Ian getting fatter? Who thought that I would ENJOY dedicating my time to making Ian’s life very easy? I cook, I clean, I do just about everything. And that’s not exactly easy at 450 pounds! Once I get to three hundred, this would be a breeze, I think. I don’t think I could convince Ian to wait. Or maybe I could. Can’t hurt to ask.
Anyway, I spent all the time I had feeding Ian. I bought this stuff called ‘Cytomax’. It’s a high energy drink that is just full of carbohydrates. It’s a little pricey, but tastes like Kool-Aid, and has way more calories in it. Ian’s capacity is getting up there, which means I spent more time bringing him stuff to eat. He used to eat, then rest. Now he eats longer and rests less. I guess his stomach is adapting to having that much food in it.
I still love how he gets when he’s completely full, especially when he’s already kind of sleepy. He just gets kind of glazed over. He lays back, with his hands on his stomach. If I’m lucky, he’s just wearing his robe, and I can see his stomach stretched tight. I’ve been doing my best with the cocoa butter, to prevent stretch marks, and I think it’s worked pretty well. He’s got a few, here and there, but nothing too bad. Of course, I rather enjoy applying the cocoa butter to his stomach, especially when it’s stretched tight, so there’s no real surprise there!
Last night, as we were going out, Ian seemed that much larger. That much more awkward. It took him a while to get up off the couch, and forever to put his sandels on. I like to make a difference!
